Baldy's back, and just in time for my favorite month

^
10. My Internet buddy (and faithful reader back when my columns appeared in the Springfield, Ill., newspaper), Doug Nicodemus, has been asking me repeatedly why I haven't been blogging much lately. On Monday, after checking TBT regularly the last 5 weeks but finding no new entries, he posted this on my Facebook page:

"no blog for awhile ... are we all done ... maybe ..."

No, I'm not all done. But as I have explained to Doug -- and as I explained earlier Monday to my softball buddy Johnny, whom I saw at a local golf course -- the little bit of writing I'm doing these days has involved me getting paid. Crazy concept, I know.

Not that money is the end-all and be-all, but it buys more things than bupkis. Which is what I get paid for posting here on The Baldest Truth.

So to my tens and tens of regular readers, I thank you for your loyalty but I make no promises other than to say that I'll continue to blog when something strikes me as relevant or when I have some spare time to write pro bono.

9. As much as I'd like to see the Pirates or Rays or A's win for the small markets or the Indians or Reds win for underdogs everywhere, I can't bring myself to predict multiple champagne showers for those teams this October.

I'm thinking the Tigers, with their fine starting pitching and powerful middle of the order, will meet the talented, high-priced Red Sox, for the AL pennant. And the Dodgers, with their incredible pitching, will take on the Cardinals, who always seem to rise to the occasion, for the NL crown. 

If the Tigers had a stud reliever, I'd pick them to beat the Red Sox. But they don't. So I won't. 

I'd like to see the Cardinals do it with Mike Matheny managing, because I always appreciated him as a player, but the Dodgers remind me of recent Giants teams that won championships despite mediocre hitting.

So I'm saying Red Sox vs. Dodgers in the World Series.

The champion? I'm leaning Dodgers, but I'll hold off with an "official" prediction until we get to the Series.

There. I've committed to another blog post later in October. That should make Doug and Johnny delirious with joy!

8. Folks keep trying to find all kinds of reasons that somebody other than Miguel Cabrera should win the AL MVP. Please. This is one of those it's-so-obvious-there-must-be-another-choice situations, like when NBA MVP voters used to try to find somebody not named Michael Jordan to win the award.

Mike Trout had a fine season for a sub-.500 Angels team that finished 18 games out -- a team that started poorly in part because Trout started poorly. And yet Cabrera still had better stats almost across the board, almost won a second straight Triple Crown, and did it all for a team he led to another division title.

This is the no-brainer of all no-brainers. Sabermetricians and other misguided souls need to stop trying to make this "race" something it isn't. 

Cabrera should be the unanimous MVP choice.

7. Meanwhile, if I had an NL MVP vote, I'd be going with Braves closer Craig Kimbrel, the single biggest reason Atlanta led its division from wire-to-wire.

When a team blows a late-inning lead, it's bad. When that happens repeatedly, it's catastrophic -- not only in the standings but in the psyche of every player on that team.

What a great joy and comfort it must have been all season for manager Fredi Gonzalez and all the Atlanta players to know their team pretty much was never going to blow a ninth-inning lead.

6. My "hometown" NFL team, the Panthers, better not have spent their bye week patting themselves on their backs for their blowout victory over the Giants. 

Everybody blows out the Giants!

The only team worse than the Giants right now is Jacksonville. And yes, I said "right now" for a reason. The Giants might still be able to find a new low.

5. I have started umpiring youth baseball, something I hadn't done for at least two decades. My first game was supposed to be this coming Wednesday but the umpiring coordinator was in a pinch and asked me call the bases for three games last Sunday involving 9-year-olds.

The first game began at noon. It went so long -- walks, physical errors, more walks, mental mistakes, still more walks; these are 9-year-olds, after all -- that the second game started 45 minutes late. That game also went long, so the third game started more than an hour late, and didn't end until 6:58 p.m.

So I spent 7 hours standing on a hot, dusty field. I tried to stay hydrated but almost surely didn't drink enough. I ate only an apple. By the time I drove home, I had one of the worst headaches of my life.

Next time I have to work more than one game, I will make sure I sit down between innings, will find some shade between games and will force myself to consume several gallons of water. Oh, and I'll take some Advil before the first pitch of the first game!

4. Because I umped all day Sunday, I watched zero football. Just saw a few highlights on ESPN; I couldn't watch it with the volume on because my head was pounding. 

I couldn't help but notice that Jay Cutler was back to his old give-the-ball-away tricks, playing a huge role in the Bears falling to the Lions.

That team will go only as far as its QB takes it, and I wouldn't want to bet my life savings -- or even one-billionth of my billion-dollar portfolio -- on that guy.

3. October is my favorite month.

The World Series (and the playoffs that precede the Series). The NFL in full swing. College football conference games (rather than the creampuff schedules that permeate September). The start of the NHL and NBA seasons. The start of college basketball practice. Wonderful weather here in Charlotte. 

October also is my birthday month. And given that my immaturity prevents me from getting old, what's not to love about that?!?!?!

2. In Monday's least-surprising sports story, the Cubbies fired manager Dale Sveum.

No matter who is running the show, including current Pooh-bah Theo Epstein, firing managers is what the Cubbies do best. 

They're not so hot at pitching or hitting or fielding or running the bases. Firing managers? They are championship-caliber in that domain!

The hot speculation is that Joe Girardi will be the next sucker. Girardi is a Peoria native, a Northwestern grad and a former Cubs catcher, and his contract with the Yankees expires in one month.

Even if he decided to leave New York, why he would want to manage in Cubbieland? Wouldn't several other organizations that have a chance to win before 2020 be more interesting to him? If he doesn't like the scrutiny in New York, why would he like it in Chicago, where Lou Piniella and Dusty Baker each went from genius to dolt (in the fans' eyes) in the space of less than one season? 

Then again, there does seem to be this amazing allure to the Cubs. Everybody wants to be The Guy to fix them. Piniella and Baker are recent examples of proven winners who went to Cubbieland, made an early splash and soon learned the hard way what all the trappings of Cubdom really mean.

If I'm Girardi, I stay with the Yankees. Or I go to just about any other team where winning actually happens. Or I chillax for a couple of years being a TV yakker.

I do just about anything but sign on to be part of Championship-Free Years No. 106, 107, 108 and 109. 

1. I'd come up with a memorable, spectacular, sensational conclusion to this blog post except I'm so excited about the Republicans in the House voting for the gazillionth time to either repeal or defund Obamacare that it's hard to think!

Never mind that repealing Obamacare was the No. 1 Republican goal of the 2012 election ... which they lost ... handily. Also never mind that the GOP also questioned the constitutionality of Obamacare in front of the Supreme Court ... and lost that, too.

This time, they're willing to shut down the entire government and possibly willing to refuse to pay the bills the country already has due. All for a fight they can't win, all to please the tea-partying extremists, all to avoid being "primaried."

What a country.

^

Brain-dead Carlson bites Vick ... and other silliness

^
The Bald Truth

When a person goes to jail, that should be it for him or her. No rehabilitation. No job. No loved ones. No home. No chance at a life once the sentence is served. No nothing.

At least that, apparently, is what Fox yahoo Tucker Carlson believes.

Angry that Barack Obama told Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie that ex-cons deserve the right to contribute to society, Carlson barked: "Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did (it) in a heartless and cruel way. I think personally he should have been executed for that."

Simply executed? Why not stoned to death in the village square?

For trying to imitate an insightful human being, Tucker Carlson should be sentenced to 20 years of having to watch Keith Olbermann on a continuous loop.

Indeed, a fate much worse than death.

The Balder Truth

Now that he has changed Sox, Bobby Jenks is saying Ozzie Guillen doesn't know how to manage a bullpen.

Hmmm. I seem to recall Ozzie running the White Sox bullpen quite well during the 2005 ALCS romp by letting his starters pitch four straight complete games.

Now shaddup, Bobby, and go eat another dozen doughnuts.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Once again, Rafael Palmeiro is saying he never took steroids. He is lobbying to get into the Hall of Fame. He has only a slightly better chance than fellow juicer Felix Heredia.

It's pretty sad when we're left having to believe Jose Canseco over everybody else in the whole juicing mess. Canseco insists he introduced both Palmeiro and Mark McGwire to steroids long ago - but not long before Palmeiro went from being slap-hitter to slugger.

Canseco is a scumbag, to be sure, but his 'roid-related accusations have been proven true over and over again.

McGwire spent most of two decades denying Canseco's claims -- and Big Mac had an army of apologists, led by Gen. Tony La Genius, marching right along with him into an ambush of humiliation.

I'm putting the over-under on Palmeiro's tearful confession at 12 years.
^

We have clearance, Clarence ... Roger, Roger ... What's our vector, Victor?

^

The Bald Truth

As one of the guest celebrities playing for charity this week on Jeopardy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar impressively nailed correct responses in categories about books, history and oceans. Then came this answer in the category I WENT TO UCLA:

TELL YOUR OLD MAN TO DRAG THIS '70s UCLA & TRAIL BLAZER CENTER (& LANIER!) UP & DOWN THE COURT FOR 48 MINUTES

Kareem buzzed in first and, with a knowing gleam in his eyes, confidently spit out: "Who is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?"

To which Alex Trebek immediately scolded: "No!"

With a shocked look on Abdul-Jabbar's face, Trebek continued: "You're the one who delivered the line, but it was about Bill Walton!"

Kareem, who had delivered that line as co-pilot Roger Murdock in 1980's hilarious Airplane!, hesitated for a second, slapped his bald head, laughed and moaned: "Ohhh ... "

Said Trebek: "Embarrassing moments on Jeopardy!"

In the end, Kareem finished well behind comedic actor Michael McKean (but ahead of CNN's Soledad O'Brien).

Somehow, I think it would have gone better, stewardess, had Trebek spoken jive.

The Balder Truth

Here's a shock: Instead of ripping prospective bid leader Dave Checketts for caving in to public pressure and stabbing him in the back by booting him from a prospective Rams ownership group, Rush Limbaugh blamed "Obama's America."

Tune in Monday, when Limbaugh blames Obama for ESPN firing Rush in 2003, for Rush getting hooked on drugs a few years earlier and for Rush dropping out of college three decades before that.

Damn Obama! Is there no evil that man and his minions cannot perpetrate!

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Albert Pujols says he's in no hurry to work out a contract extension with the Cardinals. A perfect response for a guy who seems in no hurry to get his first postseason extra-base hit since 2006.

Losers easy to find ... in NFL stadiums & at Chicago ballparks

^

The Bald Truth

Just two weeks ago, the Lions were national punchlines. Now, Detroit isn't even close to being the NFL's worst team. I'm not sure if that tells us more about the Lions and the positive changes they've made or about the putrid state of the league's lowest reaches.

Among those the Lions have eclipsed:

Browns: The funniest thing is that they thought Eric Mangini was the answer. Next savior genius on their list: Gotta be Charlie Weis, right?

Bucs: It must be quite a blow to Malcolm Glazer's enormous ego that his squad is, at best, Florida's sixth-best pro football team, behind the Jaguars, Dolphins, Gators, Hurricanes and Seminoles.

Raiders: And speaking of blows and egos ... if only Al Davis would fire himself.

Bills: Another fine Dick Jauron production. A terrible team and an unhappy T.O. Talk about a jackpot!

Panthers: Was Jake Delhomme really a Super Bowl QB once upon a time?

Chiefs: As bad as they are - hint: real bad - they aren't even the worst team in Missouri by a long shot. That honor goes to ...

Rams: Pull Jim Hart and Dan Dierdorf out of their steakhouses and put 'em on the field, and the Rams wouldn't be one lick worse than they are right now. I know I'd bet on a reunion of '75 Cardinals over this crew.

The Balder Truth

The final Cubs play of the season: Geovany Soto swinging through a mediocre fastball. How perfect! The 2008 NL Rookie of the Year finishes a lost season with one last utter failure.

Lou Piniella can blame injuries all he wants, but it was the team's supposed best players' inability to come through over and over and over again that condemned the Cubbies to beginning another century doing what they do best (or worst, as the case may be).

The final White Sox play of the season: Alex Rios grounding into a double play. How perfect! Ken Williams' wild, desperate stab at saving a hopeless season backfires one last time.

One last time in 2009, anyway. The White Sox will be overpaying this guy for years. I'm a big fan of Williams' willingness to aggressively pursue championships - his relentless, masterful Jake Peavy deal will turn out to be a great one as long as the guy stays healthy - but Rios was available for any taker for a reason. Methinks Williams got took.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

It has become clear that only one person could have saved Chicago's Olympic bid.

Why weren't you in Copenhagen, Jay Cutler?

Wouldn't even have cost us taxpayers a dime because J.C. could have walked all the way there!

It is Favre's life, isn't it?

^
The Bald Truth

Nobody likes a waffler, a flip-flopper, a dude who can't make up his stinkin' mind. But enough about Barack Obama and his health plan.

Seriously, why all the hate for Brett Favre?

Obviously, most folks in Minnesota are loving their newest Viking hero. And most people in Green Bay don't appreciate Favre now throwing for the enemy. And, of course, most Chicagoans would spit on Favre no matter his team (unless it was da Bears, my friend).

Otherwise, what's the big deal? Why are so many people so upset that Favre can't bring himself to walk away from the game he loves?

Michael Jordan felt some of the same hate way back when. So did Sugar Ray Leonard. It made no sense.

Once upon a time, we hated quitters. Now, apparently, we hate guys who won't quit.

If Favre ends up stinking up the Humptydome, that's his problem (and the Vikings' massive problem). He's the one taking the risk (though perhaps not as big a risk as Minny's taking).

Some would argue that he's just being selfish. Well ... duh! If you can name one pro athlete who isn't at least a little selfish - and three who aren't a lot selfish - I'll be very impressed.

Bottom line: If you retired from your job but almost immediately had misgivings, and then a different employer in the same field offered you big money, killer benefits and ideal working conditions ... I'm guessing you'd make a comeback, too.

And I, for one, wouldn't hate you because you waffled.

The Balder Truth

Viking fans haven't been this giddy since 1989, when an already good team brought in Herschel Walker as the final piece of its championship puzzle.

That turned out pretty well, no?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

And speaking of old jocks who keep on keeping on ...

Nice move by the Cardinals to pick up John Smoltz - and for a heck of a lot less money than the Vikings are paying Favre.

If Smoltz works out as the No. 5 starter, he could be the difference in the pennant race.

If he fails, he likely will not have been hit any harder than the other bottom-of-the-rotation noodle-arms the Cards have been trotting out there. In other words, the team probably will have been no worse off.

Besides, this is starting to feel like one of those stretches in which just about everything the Redbirds touch turns to gold.

So figure Smoltz for a few wins - no doubt backed by Matt Holliday homers, Mark DeRosa RBIs and Julio Lugo fielding plays.

Why, Tony La Russa will be so happy, he actually might think about smiling for a second.

Urlacher, Cutler can learn from my new partnership

^

The Bald Truth

Observant folks might notice that, right next to the lead headline of the day here on TBT, there is a new icon announcing that this friendly neighborhood blog is now "A Proud Partner of SportsFanLive.com."

It's true. The site was created about a year ago by David Katz, the former head of Yahoo Sports, and the ultimate goal - besides conquering the world - is to make SportsFanLive.com a go-to place for sports fanatics everywhere. There are blogs from all over the country (soon to include The Baldest Truth) as well as news items, interactive games, polls and oodles of opportunities for fans to find and chat with each other.

Check it out. And do so often. Every time that icon is clicked, I make another $1.2 million dollars!

OK, I'm exaggerating. I barely even get half that much.

In A Rush

Gotta hurry up and finish this thing. I'm planning a busy evening of watching anything but the X Games. Hello, syndicated reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

The Balder Truth

Ex-Bears and current Vikings receiver Bobby Wade is catching grief from his former coach and teammates after telling a Twin Cities radio station that Brian Urlacher recently called Jay Cutler a "wussy." (Just trade the "w" for a "p.")

Nice to know that Bobby Wade can catch something. He sure didn't do much catching during his time in Chicago.

But hey, this is a fun story. Do I believe Wade's side of it? Sure, why not? Do I believe that if it's true it will make it impossible for Urlacher and Cutler to coexist, therefore undermining the Bears' title hopes? Nah.

Middle linebackers are supposed to hate quarterbacks. Just about every defensive player on the '85 Bears hated Jim McMahon, and vice versa.

Dat creative tension didn't stop Da Bearsss from winning da big one, my friends.

If I were a Bears fan, I'd worry much more about Cutler's reputation as a choker and a whiner than about whether or not the new QB has to pussy-foot around the old MLB.

Worth A Shot (& A Beer)

Then again, maybe President Obama should just invite Urlacher and Cutler to the White House for a few brewskis.

And Obama should do it sooner than later. A socialist Kenyan Muslim like him won't be able to maintain his grasp on the presidency for long.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

The New York Times is reporting that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez were among the 100-plus evil-doers on the infamous (and supposedly confidential) list of ballplayers who tested positive for steroids in 2003.

Ho. And hum.

The Red Sox aren't going to give back their 2004 and 2007 titles. Nobody is surprised by this revelation. And fans sure as hell don't care.

The Times is to be commended for exposing Big Papi, Manny, A-Roid, Shammy and all assorted other juicers. And it should keep doing so as a public service ... even if the public barely can muffle its collective yawn.

White Sox: Perfectly momentum-resistant

^

The Bald Truth

Game 1: Tigers 5, White Sox 1

Game 2: Tigers 4, White Sox 3

So much for Perfection-Fueled momentum!

Stat of the Day

The White Sox are 15-5 in games started by Mark Buehrle, 35-42 in games started by the less-perfect members of their rotation.

Solution: Let Mr. Perfect start every game.

The Balder Truth

Attention, President Obama! Attention, Lou Piniella!

The guy who made The Perfect Catch is DeWayne Wise ... as in "Hey, youse wise guys!" 

His name's not "Weiss." So stop calling him that!

Quote of the Day

"I guess if we're not scoring runs, then he hasta figure out a way to drive 'em in himself." - Reds manager Dusty Baker after Friday's starting pitcher, Aaron Harang, an .090 career batter, hit his first home run since high school in Cinci's loss to the Cubs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

After crying poor despite their loyal fans filling their ballpark day after day, season after season, the Cardinals finally have gone on a shopping spree.

Matt Holliday has joined Julio Lugo and Mark DeRosa to surround Albert Pujols in the batting order. And in the first game with the new lineup, the Redbirds put an 8-spot on the Phillies.

Now, if only the Cards have a few pennies left over for Roy Halladay to join their rotation - and to give them a roster including both Halladay and Holliday. What a jolly holiday that would be, eh?

You know, spending billionaires' money is one of my favorite hobbies.

12 years for Hossa? It only seems like a long time

^

The List

The economy has tanked, right? Well, apparently not in the NHL, where the Blackhawks just handed out a 12-year, multi-gajillion-dollar contract to Marian Hossa. 

Twelve years! 

The deal doesn't expire until after the 2020-21 season, which has to be the longest any franchise in any sport has committed to one today's athletes. Hossa will be 42 by then.

Here are 12 things certain to happen in those dozen years:

1. Twitter becomes ancient history, replaced by Thoughter - the process by which we communicate to each other through brainwaves alone. Only 140 characters at a time, please.

2. Princess Sasha takes over the U.S. throne from King Barack.

3. In a dramatic reversal, the medical community says anabolic steroids are essential to the health and well-being of every human. Steroids replace flouride in the water we drink. Athletes are suspended for refusing to take performance-enhancing drugs. Bryce Harper, a one-time phenom who has bulked up to 255 pounds of pure muscle, becomes the first big-league ballplayer to hit 100 home runs in a season. Syringes are available in vending machines at every high school. Jose Canseco is elected MLB commissioner.   

4. After democracy wins out in Iran, the country merges with Iraq. And the great nation of Iranq becomes one of our most loyal allies.

5. Led by manager Ozzie Guillen, the Cubs win their seventh World Series.

6. The Toyota Prius is declared illegal in the U.S. by Princess Sasha, who says: "Sorry, but hybrids use too much fuel."

7. Patrick Kane will be a third of the way through his 24-year contract. But he still can't grow a playoff beard.

8. Fresh out of federal prison, Rod Blagojevich wins American Idol with his flawless performance of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

9. Boise State emerges from the first-ever NCAA Division I football playoffs to win the national title. Raking in $100 million for each of their institutions, presidents from the six major conferences wonder what took them so long to blow up the BCS. 

10. After ceasing to exist for six years, newspapers make a dramatic comeback because readers missed Hagar The Horrible too damn much.

11. At 95, Joe Paterno signs what Penn State is calling "perhaps his last three-year contract extension."

12. Marian Hossa is the unanimous choice as the greatest hockey player of all time and is enshrined in the sport's Hall of Fame even though he's still an active player. His presenter is Wayne Gretzky, now known merely as "The Very Good One." 

The Bald Truth

With a huge victory over the mighty Buccos, the Cubs have convinced me that they'll win the vast majority of their remaining games as long as ...

++Lou Piniella gets ejected every day.

++Randy Wells can make 60 or so starts.

++The Cubs eat the rest of Alfonso Soriano's contract so Sam Fuld can be their left fielder and leadoff hitter.

++Kosuke Fukudome bats, say, .600 from here on in.

++Aramis Ramirez stays healthy through the rest of the regular season, positioning himself perfectly to go 0-for-12 in the playoffs.

The Balder Truth

As a guy who has seen a lot of Bulls games these last five years, I already miss watching Ben Gordon dribble 23 seconds off the clock before hoisting a 27-foot fadeaway.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Last July, the Brewers pulled within a game of the Cubs going into a four-game series at Miller Park. Riding high from their recent acquisition of CC Sabathia, the Brewers were ready to send a message to Cubbieland: We're in the race to stay. 

Four days and one Cubs sweep later, Bernie Brewer had to enter detox.

Flash forward to this weekend: Starting Thursday, the Cubs and Brewers will meet at Wrigley Field for a four-game series. Somehow, the Cubs have stayed in the division race, trailing the Brewers by only 3 1/2 games despite being baseball's biggest underachievers. 

Another Cubs sweep and they'll be in first place (or close to it, depending upon what the Cardinals and Reds do). 

But if the Brewers do in Chicago what the Cubs did in Milwaukee in July 2008 ... well, let's just say it will be open season on Gatorade coolers in the Cubbie dugout.

This judge plays hardball

^

The Bald Truth

Fourteen years ago, a wise federal judge named Sonia Sotomayor wouldn't let Bud Selig, Jerry Reinsdorf and the rest of the grinches who tried to steal baseball use replacement players to start the 1995 season.

Say this for Barack Obama's first Supreme Court nominee: She has displayed concern for the greater good, and she can't be bullied by the whiny, rich yahoos in the old boys' network.

The Balder Truth

Anquan Boldin is firing his agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

Word is, Boldin simply wouldn't do situps in his driveway.

Said Rosenhaus: "Next question!"

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Heads are about to roll in the NBA, where far too many people apparently didn't get David Stern's Kobe-and-LeBron-in-the-Finals memo.

Magic vs. Nuggets, anybody?

I mean, is it possible for a series to generate negative TV ratings?

Jack Bauer's sports to-do list

^

If we're to believe where 24 was steering us at the end of another hellish "day," Jack Bauer will be back after doctors use his daughter's stem cells to rid his body of toxic pathogens.

Anyway, now that he's saved the world again, here are ...

Five things we can expect from Jack during his next day at the office:

5. Short-circuit all television satellite feeds into the White House, thereby protecting President Obama from exposure to lethal doses of the White Sox.

4.  Force Terrell Owens to listen to Paul Warfield, John Stallworth, Raymond Berry and other classy receivers who rarely dropped the football, never blamed their QBs and actually won something during their careers. And by "force," all 24 fans know what that means.

3. Administer truth serum to Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and so on and so on and so on. And don't worry about this being too difficult. If approached with syringes, these fine gentlemen aren't likely to resist.

2.  Make Brett Favre make up his mind. Do whatever it takes and use every means at your disposal. One way or another, the madness must end.

1. Stop terrorist attacks? Yawn! Really impress us and stop the BCS.

Ozzie tries to save baseball from itself

^

The Bald Truth

Just when I didn't think Ozzie Guillen could be any wackier, the White Sox skipper pulled off a stunt I never had seen before: 

He complained about a strike called by the umpire ... with his own pitcher on the mound.

Just minutes after Jermaine Dye was ejected for arguing a bases-loaded Strike 3 call Wednesday, Guillen could be seen jawing with ump Mike DiMuro. Reading Ozzie's lips, I thought I saw him complaining that Mark Buehrle's pitch to Cleveland's Jhonny Peralta was low - and Ozzie later confirmed it.

"I asked Peralta if that pitch was low and in, and he said yes," Guillen told reporters after his team's 4-0 loss. "They thought I was crazy because I wasn't protecting J.D., I was protecting the opposition. I was gonna send the message that ... I was here to protect baseball."

Actually, I think "crazy" just about covers it, Ozzie.

As usual.

The Balder Truth

Yahoo Sports is reporting that USC hoops coach Tim Floyd paid off the guy who delivered O.J. Mayo to the school.

If true, failing to adequately cover up these shenanigans will be Floyd's stupidest move since he had Kornel "The Hungarian Jordan" David playing at crunch time of Bulls games.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Here in Chicago, we've have the Unholy Trinity: A corrupt governor's office, a corrupt mayor's office and a corrupt county government. While everybody likes to talk about Blago and Hizzoner Daley The Younger, Cook County Board President Todd Stroger might be the unfairest of 'em all.

After running for election on a reform platform - don't they all? - Stroger has proceeded to spend like a drunk Illinois politician. Expanding the county government to immense proportions - think a Bartolo Colon-Roseanne Barr love child - he has spent and spent and spent and spent.

He spent so much that he realized the only way he could pay for all the spending was by raising the county's portion of the sales tax, giving Chicago the highest such tariff in the nation: a laughable-if-it-wasn't-so-sad 10.25 percent. 

With elections approaching, several county board commissioners regretted what they did and tried to repeal the tax, but Stroger vetoed the repeal. 

Mr. Reformer isn't in the reforming mood.

But that's not the best part. This is: Stronger owes the United States nearly $12,000 in unpaid income taxes.

So, even as he demands that poor people (and others) fund his bloated government with a regressive tax that ranks No. 1 in the nation, he opts to ignore his own taxes until the feds catch him.

Beautiful.

Talk about high aspirations: Stroger must be angling for a spot in President Obama's cabinet.

This is what we Chicagoans face every day, folks. Two consecutive crooked governors (both "reformers," don't you know), a mayor who values taking care of his cronies above all else and Todd "Tax Me? Tax You!" Stroger.

Of course, nobody is holding a gun to our heads to stay here, right? And the majority of our citizens keep re-electing these clowns. 

Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us a gajillion times ... and we'll line up for a gajillion more opportunities to prove what fools we are.

How humiliating.

Gotta love that (bleeping) KG!

^

The Bald Truth

Whether happy or sad, anguished or encouraged, excited or outraged, Kevin Garnett sure loves his f-bombs.

And even more, it seems, his m-f-bombs.

The guy's a 7-foot, black, athletic, male Patti Blagojevich, for (bleep's) sake!

Genteel lip-readers couldn't have been pleased Monday that TNT cameras kept zooming in on KG every time the injured Celtic screamed the f-word in any and all of its various forms.

Adjectives. Nouns. Verbs. Hyphenated qualifiers. 

KG had his whole vocabulary on display. And TNT captured it all for viewers big and small.

Something for everyone ... which, I guess, is what the NBA Cares campaign is all about.

The Balder Truth

Just when I thought it would be impossible to top Game 1, the Bulls-Celtics series got even more exciting in Game 2. 

Watching Ray Allen and Ben Gordon trading incredible clutch shots was like watching two in-their-prime middleweights trading haymakers.

As it turns out, Allen got in the last shot and was the last man standing.

In Game 1, a new Chicago sports legend officially was born, with Derrick Rose outdueling Rajon Rondo. It's just been great stuff, every bit as intense and entertaining as any basketball anywhere.

The Celtics are one missed Paul Pierce free throw from holding a 2-0 series lead. And the Bulls are one made Allen jumper from holding a 2-0 series lead. 

Appropriately, then, it's all tied at 1 ... and I'm already looking forward to Act Three at the United Center.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Taking a detour during their off-day in Baltimore, the White Sox visited the White House and met Barack Obama. 

The president shook hands and traded small talk with the players on his favorite team - and even granted reliever Octavio Dotel's request for a hug.

"Look at that!" screamed Sean Hannity. "As if it isn't bad enough that Obama is a militant Muslim socialist! There's all the proof you need that he's a gay militant Muslim socialist! We're all doomed! Doomed, I tell you!!!"

Cabrera masters the art of hackery better than you and I do

^

The Bald Truth

One of the many reasons I love golf: Although I'm a complete hack - or, as some of my golf buddies might argue, an incomplete hack - I could beat even the world's best golfer on any given hole.

Take Angel Cabrera. On one hole, he shanked a shot sideways. On another, he skulled a simple pitch across the green. On the first playoff hole, he hit his drive into the woods and then slammed his next shot off a tree.

And he's the guy who won the Masters, beating Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and the rest of a star-studded field.

Cabrera did hit a bunch of 300-yard-plus bombs, make some amazing recoveries to get himself out of serious jams and sink some incredible pressure putts. I might have a round in which I did one of those things one time - as I said, I'm a hack - so I never could beat Cabrera or any pro over even a short stretch.

But one hole? Sure. For example, I might have been able to avoid dunking my ball in the drink, as Mickelson did on No. 12, and thus might have beaten Phil's double bogey.

Could I ever hit Tim Lincecum's best fastball (or even his worst)? Could I ever score a basket against LeBron James if he didn't want me to? Would I have any chance to put the puck past Martin Brodeur? Would I ever be able to run away from Ray Lewis to score a touchdown?

Of course not.

And yet, even if Tiger Woods was trying to do his very, very best on a hole, I could beat him - and it wouldn't necessarily be miraculous, either. 

OK, it would be at least a little miraculous ... but you get my drift.

For all the talk of golf being the ultimate rich man's game, it really is a common man's game.

Once you get past green's fees, equipment costs and the price of Pro-V1s, that is.

The Balder Truth

Kenny Perry has a reputation of being a great guy, and he seems nice every time he's interviewed. 

It sure was easy to root for the 48-year-old to become the oldest man ever to win a major ... and it sure was easy to feel sorry for him as he choked down the stretch.

And no, it probably wasn't any consolation to him that Tiger and Phil also gagged.

Nerves can get the best of anybody - yes, even Tiger - which is one more thing these guys have in common with hacks like us.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Thank goodness, the Obamas got their dog. Now we can pay attention to Jay Cutler, American Idol, CC Sabathia, the new Star Trek movie, the Cubs, anything involving Lindsay and Britney, Shaq's Twitters and various other overhyped stuff.

I must admit, though, that I am a little disappointed with the choice of pup's name.

Bo? Really?

"Deficit" would have been both original and fitting.

NCAA tourney delivers - as usual

^

Friday's final four:

1. If you don't love the NCAA basketball tournament, why even bother loving sports? Those who were a little disappointed that the first-day action didn't produce more thrills needed to wait only a few hours. Friday included victories by the 13th-seeded Cinderfellas of Cleveland State, classic 12/5 upsets pulled off by Wisconsin and Arizona, and a month's worth of late-game heroics. There is nothing - nothing! - better than this. It is the one major sporting event that never fails to live up to the hype.

2. The only thing more stunning than Cleveland State's victory over No. 4 Wake Forest was the ease in which it occurred. The Vikings were in control from the opening tip to the final horn in knocking out a team many thought could sneak into the Final Four. Another popular choice as a possible Final Four crasher, fifth-seeded Florida State, was victimized by Wisconsin. As I watched the game, I was thinking: "Remember when Trevon Hughes was going to be the Badgers' next great player? What ever happened to that?" Well, it was Hughes who came through with the huge, old-fashioned, drive-and-a-foul 3-point play to give Wisconsin an amazing triumph. I still don't think Wisconsin deserved a bid ... but as long as they were invited to the party, they are to be praised for showing up ready to rock and roll.

3. Kudos to CBS for the spectacular way it handled the tense moments in two OT games that were unfolding simultaneously: Wisconsin-Florida State and Siena-Ohio State. The network slickly provided every big play live for its audience, and the announcing teams (Craig Bolerjack/Bob Wenzel for UW-FSU and Verne Lundquist/Bill Raftery for Siena-OSU) were spot-on in capturing the drama. The time I spent watching the endings of both games was about as much fun as a guy can have sitting alone in his recliner.

4. After the first round, my prognostication record stands at 26-6. Not great, for sure, but more than twice as good as Hoopster in Chief Barack Obama. Really, Mr. President? 19-13? Here's hoping you're better at fixing the economy than you are at filling out a bracket.

Jobless but hardly hopeless

^
Well, it's been one month since I officially became part of a statistic reflecting the nation's dire economic status, and the only thing that worries me is that I'm not especially worried.

Oh, and I feel a little guilty about not feeling even the least bit depressed.

I can't say unemployment is similar to or different than what I expected, because I didn't really know what to expect after cash-strapped GateHouse Media laid me off from my column-writing gig on Jan. 15. I mean, I had been a working stiff since I was 15, so I had no experience with the situation.

One indisputable fact: There is significantly less money coming into the family coffers - yes, even with the trillion dollars or so of unemployment benefits I'm receiving.

(That's right, folks: What your president and other elected officials didn't tell you was that the entire stimulus package would be going to me. Thanks, everybody!)

Though I've had my people (that would be me) talk to a few management-type people about possibilities in journalism, I can't say at this point that I'm very optimistic about staying in the business. Like so many industries, ours is in financial distress. There are few decent jobs available, and those that are available draw precisely 9,144 applicants each.

So why am I not worried or panicked or depressed? Because I'm working hard at keeping things in perspective.

For one thing, my wife Roberta is a registered nurse who will have a good job with good benefits for as long as she wants. While it's difficult to support a family on an R.N.'s salary, it does provide a nice safety net. We have been renters for most of the last two years, meaning we aren't stuck in a home we can't afford and/or can't sell. I feel so bad for those who are trapped in real-estate hell. We will be making the last college payment for our daughter Katie in one month. My son Ben is 21 and mostly independent. And we are not extravagant folks; give Rob and me a couple of tall iced teas and an episode of 24, and we're pretty content.

In other words, financially, I am much better off than many in my shoes, and I am grateful.

Beyond that, I simply know things will work out. I don't even know exactly what that means, but I feel in my gut that it's true. Somewhere out there, my next calling awaits. I just have to figure out what it is and pursue it.

Getting all stressed and crazy won't help, so I refuse to let it happen.

Once again, I thank the many, many, many people - readers, journalism colleagues, family and friends - who have taken the time to write or call with kind thoughts and encouragement.

With so many folks pulling for me, feeling sorry for myself is not an option.

To Barack, from George

^
The List

Top 10 pieces of advice Dubya gave The New Guy after watching Monday's presidential press conference:

1. Make up nicknames for reporters. Call Helene Cooper Soul Sister. Call Jake Tapper Skippy. Call Michael Fletcher Specs. Call Helen Thomas Toots. Call Sam Stein Blogger Boy. That way, you'll be making it clear that you're the only serious player in the room.

2. What's with all of those well-thought-out answers, complete sentences and real words? When you interrupt yourself constantly and sound like an uneducated hick, it confuses the media mopes. Besides, making up words is just plain fun!

3. I'll tell you this once and only once: It's nuke-u-lar!

4. Don't promise transparency within your administration. Americans don't really want to know how their money is being spent and how their government is being run. Secrecy lends an air of importantuity to the operation.

5. Offer prayer as a solution. I'm proof that it works. For example, thanks to prayer, I won two elections I had no business winning.

6. Don't poke fun at your vice president. Every president should have a healthy fear of his veep.

7. Wear a bigger flag on your lapel. Everyone knows that the size of a politician's flag represents the level of his patriosity.

8. Call America's opponents "evil." That's the first step to scaring the bejeepers out of the public. And a scared public is a public that's willing to be manipulerated.

9. When you use a word like "stool," giggle like an 11-year-old.

10. Stop making eye contact with reporters. Unless, of course, they're pretty.

It just gets better and better

^
On the same day our Mac died, which probably will force us to buy a new computer we didn't account for in our shrinking family budget, my Marquette Golden Warrior Eagles lost to a South Florida outfit that never had beaten a top-10 team.

Jeesh. When is Obama gonna make things better already?

The B's have it

^
BARRY!

Miscreant. Juicer. Liar.

And, sources say, not a very good Scrabble player.

BECKHAM!

Isn't it nice that Mr. Spice saved American pro soccer before bending it back to Europe for good?

Here's hoping he at least paid his taxes during his brief time here. Otherwise, he runs the risk of being named to Obama's Cabinet.

BLOOMINGTON BEDLAM!

The Fighting Creaners win one Big Ten game and the town is up for grabs.

Why, folks there haven't been this thrilled since the last time Bobby Knight cursed out a 19-year-old student newspaper reporter.

BALLERS BRON-BRON & BRYANT!

Hey, Kobe ... I'll see your 61 points and raise you a 52-point, 11-assist, 10-rebound triple-double.

See, the Knicks can be defensive laughingstocks even without Eddy Curry.

BULLISH!

Four wins in five road games for Vinny Del Excuse's crew.

A few more streaks like this, and they'll be a .500 team by the time he's fired.

Bowling you over with Super story lines

^

The List

Angles, angles, angles. The media - from Internet bloggers to MTV airheads and from radio yakkers to good old-fashioned newspaper types (yes, there are a few left) - will be offering up every possible Super Bowl angle from Tampa this week. 

Or will they?

The top five Super Bowl story angles that probably never will surface:

1. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will reveal that next year's Super Bowl, originally scheduled to be played in Miami, instead will take place at Wrigley Field - where everything (even hockey) is magical (except the Cubs).

2. The most popular interview subject at Tuesday's media day will be Jesus, who will explain he has no time to deal with disease, famine, war, genocide, dirty governors and other inconsequential stuff because he's too busy taking care of Kurt Warner.

3. Displaying his altruistic side, Edgerrin James will take his once-famous gold teeth out of storage, turn them in for cash and use the money to feed 12,000 needy Phoenix-area families.

4. Deciding to settle the "who's the best safety?" argument once and for all, Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu will stage an interception contest ... with Rex Grossman as the designated quarterback.

5. Eager to give Pittsburgh a top-flight pro sports team all year 'round, Steelers owner Dan Rooney Sr. will announce that his squad will replace the Pirates at PNC Park from April to October. "Really," Rooney will say, "would the Pirates win any less with Big Ben pitching to Hines Ward than they did with Ian Snell throwing to Ronny Paulino?"

The Bald Truth

Rookie Bulls coach Vinny Del Excuse can't whine enough about injuries to role players such as Drew Gooden and Kirk Hinrich.

What will his excuse be if the team finishes behind the Bucks, who will spend the rest of the season dealing with the absence of All-Star and Olympian Michael Redd?

The Balder Truth

Chicago baseball fans should circle April 13 on their calendars.

One week after First White Sox Fan Obama will have thrown out the season's ceremonial opening pitch at U.S. Comiskular Park (at least the Sox hope so), Cubbie Lover Blago will do the same at Wrigley Field.

Unless, of course, he's in handcuffs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Obviously, I'm very pleased my Marquette Golden Warrior Eagles - the No. 8 team in all the land! - went into the Joyce Center and took down Notre Dame.

As impressed as I was with Jerel McNeal and the rest of the lads, though, I came away even more amazed by Irish center Luke Harangody.

An all-but-unstoppable bruiser under the basket, the guy has developed an outstandingly accurate - albeit highly unorthodox - jump shot. He also is a rebounding machine.

He'd get my national player of the year vote today. There certainly isn't anybody who can convince me he's anything less than the best big man in college basketball.

It's close, but he's even better than Blake Griffin - I'm talking as a collegian, not as a pro prospect. As for Tyler Hansbrough, who does less than Harangody despite getting far more help from his teammates, it really isn't very close.

Marinelli's not so tough

^
The Bald Truth

First, Rod Marinelli was beaten by every NFL coach he went up against in 2008. Then he was beaten up by a girl.

The latest Lovie Smith BFF to join the Bears' staff, Marinelli, of course, is best known for ingeniously guiding the Lions to the only 0-16 record ever. Earlier this week, he brushed off several male Detroit reporters at the Senior Bowl by saying: "Goodbye, ladies."

Jenni Carlson, a columnist at The Oklahoman and the president of the Association for Women in Sports Media, complained to the NFL.

I know Jenni and I think she overreacted a little. But whatever ... she won. And any victory over smug Lovie and his lads is a victory for media mopes everywhere!

Properly chastened, Marinelli issued this apology:

"In attempting to avoid being interviewed, I understand that my comment was inappropriate and wrong. I want to assure you that this tone and this choice of words will not occur again in response to questions from reporters."

That's right. Next time, he'll just say: "Get the hell out of here. I'm not talking to media scum like you."

And nobody will consider that inappropriate at all.

The List

No second baseman has hit more home runs than Jeff Kent, who on Thursday was scheduled to announce his retirement, but that doesn't mean he was the greatest ever at his position.

The top five second basemen I've seen:

1. Robbie Alomar. There's no stat for this, but I doubt any 2B ever made more amazing plays than he did. He also was a great hitter and base stealer who, according to Ozzie Guillen, is the best Puerto Rican ballplayer ever - Roberto Clemente included. Alomar might not be a first-ballot Hall of Famer next year because some voters will punish him for hocking a louie into the face of umpire John Hirschbeck ... and it's hard to find fault with that stance.

2. Joe Morgan. Before he became one of the most annoying announcers on the airwaves, he was a little stud for The Big Red Machine.

3. Craig Biggio. A great team player who stole a bunch of bases and had surprising pop. Started his career as a catcher and willingly moved to center field nearly two decades later when the Astros asked. Also had 3,000 hits. A Hall lock.

4. Ryne Sandberg. He fielded everything hit to him, was a great baserunner and was a dynamic hitter. Having a power guy at 2B let the Cubs more or less get away with having slap-hitting Mark Grace at first.

5. Jeff Kent. Had little range and a mediocre glove. Seemed like kind of a jerk, too. But it's hard to argue with all of those HRs and RBIs. Probably not a first-ballot Famer but he'll eventually get in.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Newspapers couldn't print enough editions after Barack Obama won the election in November. And the same was true Wednesday, the day after the new president's understated, low-budget inauguration.

It seems millions upon millions of people wanted keepsakes of history being made ... and a print-out of an Internet story simply wasn't going to cut it.

Hmmm. I think we've stumbled on the solution to the newspaper industry's woes:

Elect or inaugurate Obama several times a week.