Hot in Charlotte ... and in Blue Valentine!

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70 and sunny in Charlotte today! I miss lots about Chicago, but the weather ain't one of them!

On another note ...

I mentioned in yesterday's post that Roberta and I saw Blue Valentine. Though the movie is more than a little depressing as it chronicles a couple falling out of love, it is powerful. The acting, with Michelle Williams and Ryan Goslin in the lead roles, is top-notch. It's not anywhere near my Oscar choice, but it's still worth seeing ... with a disclaimer:

If you are even a little prudish or the least bit uncomfortable seeing naked bodies grinding on the big screen, this is not the flick for you.

The sex scenes were intense and graphic. The soft-core porn HBO shows late on weekend nights (from what I hear) leaves more to the imagination than Blue Valentine's many sex scenes.

There. You've been forewarned. Now, did I mention that I wore shorts and a t-shirt on the long walk Roberta and I took today? Nice!
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Blindsided at the Oscars

At first, I thought it was just some bad leftover pizza ... but I soon realized it was all of those speeches made by the pals of the best actor and actress nominees that made me feel a little ill.

Yeah, we get it. Every nominated actor and actress not only is a wonderful performer but also a paragon of virtue. Just like everybody else in Hollywood.

OK, I will admit I kind of liked Tim Robbins' spiel about Morgan Freeman - because it played on Freeman's fallibility.

And then I had to get sick all over again when Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for an over-the-top performance in a mediocre film. I mean, The Blind Side wasn't even one of the three best sports movies of 2009.

Oh, and remember the olden days ... you know, when Steve Martin was actually funny?

Pass the Tums, please.

We have clearance, Clarence ... Roger, Roger ... What's our vector, Victor?

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The Bald Truth

As one of the guest celebrities playing for charity this week on Jeopardy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar impressively nailed correct responses in categories about books, history and oceans. Then came this answer in the category I WENT TO UCLA:

TELL YOUR OLD MAN TO DRAG THIS '70s UCLA & TRAIL BLAZER CENTER (& LANIER!) UP & DOWN THE COURT FOR 48 MINUTES

Kareem buzzed in first and, with a knowing gleam in his eyes, confidently spit out: "Who is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?"

To which Alex Trebek immediately scolded: "No!"

With a shocked look on Abdul-Jabbar's face, Trebek continued: "You're the one who delivered the line, but it was about Bill Walton!"

Kareem, who had delivered that line as co-pilot Roger Murdock in 1980's hilarious Airplane!, hesitated for a second, slapped his bald head, laughed and moaned: "Ohhh ... "

Said Trebek: "Embarrassing moments on Jeopardy!"

In the end, Kareem finished well behind comedic actor Michael McKean (but ahead of CNN's Soledad O'Brien).

Somehow, I think it would have gone better, stewardess, had Trebek spoken jive.

The Balder Truth

Here's a shock: Instead of ripping prospective bid leader Dave Checketts for caving in to public pressure and stabbing him in the back by booting him from a prospective Rams ownership group, Rush Limbaugh blamed "Obama's America."

Tune in Monday, when Limbaugh blames Obama for ESPN firing Rush in 2003, for Rush getting hooked on drugs a few years earlier and for Rush dropping out of college three decades before that.

Damn Obama! Is there no evil that man and his minions cannot perpetrate!

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Albert Pujols says he's in no hurry to work out a contract extension with the Cardinals. A perfect response for a guy who seems in no hurry to get his first postseason extra-base hit since 2006.

A serious hockey comeback and a seriously good movie

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The Bald Truth

As I prepare to start covering Blackhawks games again for the first time in years - my first assignment is Wednesday - I ventured to the United Center for Monday's wild game against the Flames. Playing about as horrendously as a team can play, the Hawks fell behind by five goals ... only to come back and win 6-5 in OT.

As has become the case during the team's renaissance, the crowd at the United Center was amazing, and the Blackhawks were all smiles afterward.

But let me tell you: This team has zero chance to live up to the Stanley Cup hype with Cristobal Huet in goal. For all of the Blackhawks' offensive firepower, pretty much every team they'd play in the playoffs would have a huge advantage in net.

Let's see how good Bowman & Son are at finding a championship goalie in a hockey haystack.

The Quote

"That first period, I think we were still in our pregame nap." - Kris Versteeg

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Earlier Monday, the missus and I saw the Coen brothers' latest flick, A Serious Man.

You'll enjoy it more if you're Jewish. So if you're not, I highly recommend converting before plunking down your 10 bucks.

Seriously (pun intended), it was a fun period piece and a funny biblical parable, and it had the kind of witty writing and zany characters typical to the Coens' work.

As a comedy, it certainly wasn't Fargo, one of my 20 favorite movies ever. As a drama, it wasn't in the same league as No Country for Old Men (nor did it attempt to be). But I'd put A Serious Man against any of the Coens' other flicks - and that's some pretty good company.

Must-Miss TV: A Rocky ride

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It was on cable a few weeks ago, so I DVRed it. My son and I watched it yesterday.

I might be scarred for life and I want to save you from that fate.

Rocky Balboa, a 2006 release that was the sixth (and, God willing, last) in the series, was so cover-your-eyes stupid and schmaltzy that "bad" isn't a good enough adjective to describe it.

What statement was Sly Stallone making by naming it that instead of calling it Rocky VI? Maybe, like Balboa, he's too over-the-hill to count to six?

This film was all about Stallone desperately trying to prove his relevance. Sorry, Sly. Oh, and the toupee looked ridiculous, too.

There have been many great boxing movies. To name a few: Raging Bull ... When We Were Kings ... The Harder They Fall ... Million Dollar Baby ... and, yes, Rocky.

Rocky Balboa falls just a little short of great the same way Sly Stallone falls just a little short of Tom Hanks.

Amazingly, back in '06, many reviewers actually liked this thing. I know, because I did some Googling to check out what they wrote. For example, Sun-Times critic Richard Roeper called it "a fitting and triumphant final chapter." Then-Tribune critic Michael Wilmington wrote: "The movie itself, defying all odds, comes close to a knockout." Some dude named Mark Bell for some site called Film Threat, said: "The acting in the film is grade-A."

I'm wondering: Had these "experts" inadvertently reviewed the original Rocky? Or even Rocky III, with the glorious Mr. T stealing the show with his own unique brand of grade-A acting?

Thankfully, confirming that I'm not totally insane, plenty of rational critics agreed with me. Said the Boston Globe's Ty Burr: "It's so wrapped up in its maker's personal mythology and psychic needs that it becomes a hall of mirrors to which we're given a slack-jawed ringside seat." Said Kenneth Turan of the L.A. Times: "This is a film for gluttons for punishment. Everyone else, please leave the building."

The premise of Rocky Balboa is idiotic enough: a 50-something has-been who hasn't stepped in the ring in years decides his life won't be complete unless he goes toe-to-toe with the undefeated, in-his-prime champion.

Boxing fans who prefer realism to fantasy chuckled at all of the Rocky movies - even the superior first edition. Specifically, why wouldn't the ref have stopped the fight the first half-dozen times Apollo knocked Rocky into la-la-land? OK, it's a fairy tale. We get it.

This time, though, you have an old man getting the crap beaten out of him in the opening minutes of a so-called "exhibition." The second time he was knocked down, Rocky actually needed to use the ropes to pull himself up at the count of nine.

And yet ... the ref let the fight go on. That's not a fairy tale, it's sanctioned abuse of the elderly.

Some might say it's so bad it's funny. No. It's simply so bad. One absurd/terrible/unwatchable scene after another. On a few occasions, the writing and acting were so awful, I had to fast-forward it just to get on with the story.

OK, so why am I going on and on about a three-year-old movie? What's next? My review of Klute?

Well, I'm doing this because I love boxing movies and I hate bad boxing movies. And because Rocky Balboa is out there in cable-land, just waiting to reel in the next sucker. And because you might see that it's on, see the three stars next to the title in the cable guide and say to yourself, "You know, I never saw this one. I think I'll check it out."

Don't!

Spend those 102 minutes doing something productive ... like staring blankly into space.

You're welcome.

Does any GM try harder to win than White Sox GM?

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The Bald Truth

So many GMs in all sports try to avoid embarrassment. They try to avoid "losing" a trade. They try their hardest not to lose instead of to win.

And then there's Kenny Williams.

The White Sox and their fans are very lucky that their guy will do pretty much anything legal to win. Victory - ultimate victory, like the team experienced in 2005 - is the only thing that matters to Williams.

Hey, I'm not sure if Alex Rios is a great player waiting to bust out, a very good player who already has peaked, a good player who never will be great, or an OK player who is vastly overpaid.

What I am sure of is that claiming him on waivers from the salary-dumping Blue Jays was worth a shot.

The arrival of Rios and his $61 million contract through 2014 - along with last month's stunning deal for big-money ace Jake Peavy - almost surely means that Jermaine Dye and/or Jim Thome won't be back next season. So be it.

Where Rios will play is another matter. Ozzie Guillen, a manager who often doesn't get the credit he deserves for his ability as a strategist, will find creative ways to fit five players - Rios, Dye, Thome, Carlos Quentin and Scott Podsednik - into four slots.

Besides, given the injury histories of Dye, Thome, Quentin and Podsednik, the acquisition of Rios could end of being the difference in the AL Central race. If the White Sox don't win, it won't be because they had too many outfielders and DHs.

Bottom line: If Kenny Williams believes so much in Alex Rios, I'm willing to give the player the benefit of the doubt.

Williams is right a hell of a lot more often than he is wrong. And even when he's wrong, he's wrong in a good way because all he cares about is winning.

The Quote

"There was a dispute over the fee and it just kind of escalated from there. It was not really a robbery. That is probably a large distortion of what happened. I think we should be able to work things out." - Andrew LoTempio, the lawyer for the Buffalo cabbie who allegedly was assaulted by Blackhawks star Patrick "20 Cent" Kane over chump change.

Those were a lot of words to say what one word would have covered: Ka-ching!

A large distortion? Yeah, by the lawyer's obviously beat-up client - who repeatedly told TV stations, radio outlets and newspaper reporters what a thug Kane was.

Now this client suddenly seems willing to, um, negotiate with Kane concerning the level of punishment that actually was doled out by the hockey player.

What a country.

The Balder Truth

Well, Lou Piniella argued. He got ejected. His Cubbies got thumped in Denver. And then they got thumped again.

So much for the dopey theory that if Lou goes ballistic, the Cubs will break out of their slumps.

If baseball worked like that, don't you think more managers would get the heave-ho more often?

So please give it a rest, dopey theorists.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Finally got to see The Hangover on Monday. Verdict: I hadn't laughed so hard at a movie since Borat.

And if you think that's just because I'm a guy who is into stupid, sick-humor buddy movies, Mrs. N also laughed her keister off.

No, it's not for the kiddies. And yes, it is quite stupid. But there were very few 45-second stretches in which everybody in the theater wasn't downright delirious.

Roger Ebert gave it 3 1/2 stars ... and who am I to disagree?

3 1/2 bald heads for The Hangover.

Remembering John Hughes, John Smoltz and Steven Tyler

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The List

My five favorite films written, directed and/or produced by John Hughes, who died Thursday after suffering a heart attack at age 59:

5. Home Alone. Just because Macaulay Culkin has become the butt of jokes, it doesn't mean this flick wasn't a blast. Sadly, this 1990 film was the last really good one Hughes made.

4. The Breakfast Club. From the script to the cast to the message, this was the best of the '80s Molly Ringwald trilogy. (Although I admit it: I laughed more at Sixteen Candles.)

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. In addition to giving a generation of teenagers fresh ideas on how to play hooky, this turned Matthew Broderick into a major star. Of course, it also turned him into Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.

2. National Lampoon's Vacation. Hughes wrote the perfect screenplay for Chevy Chase, whose Clark Griswold is one of the funniest screen dads ever. Watch this again and, as Clark would say, "You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-dah out your a--holes!"

1. Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Often overlooked on those "greatest comedy ever" lists that come out every year or two, this John Candy-Steve Martin buddy farce produced more laughs per minute than just about anything out there. I especially loved that Martin, who by 1987 pretty much had stopped being funny, was cast as the straight man for Candy, who was never funnier. As a result, Martin actually was funny again. Just because Hughes was known for his many coming-of-age flicks, it doesn't mean this film about and for grown-ups (OK, very immature grown-ups like me) wasn't numero uno. Three words sum it all up, folks: "Those aren't pillows!"

The Bald Truth

If John Smoltz is supposed to be the answer for the Red Sox, the question must be:

What future Hall of Famer with an 8.33 ERA should retire already?

The Balder Truth

I'm not sure the best plan is to put more money into the Cash For Clunkers program.

But really, enough about Milton Bradley and Barry Zito ...

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler got hurt falling from a stage during a concert in South Dakota.

Jeesh. As if falling so far that one has to play a concert in South Dakota isn't painful enough.

Give 'em 1 minute, they'll give you 2 L's

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The Bald Truth

So I was watching Dennis Leary's Rescue Me with my wife when we put the show on pause to check out what was happening in Tuesday night's Chicago ballgames.

Within a 60-second span, Gordon Beckham grounded weakly to the pitcher with the tying run on base to end the White Sox's come-from-ahead loss to the Rays and The Great Jeff Samardzija served up Jayson Werth's 13th-inning homer to cap the Cubs' loss to the Phillies.

 

And then my wife and I switched back to Rescue Me, distracted only by the realization that our fine city is a mere three months away from yet another Cubs-Sox World Series.

Once Upon A Time

Hey, didn't Bobby Jenks used to be more than just another bad reliever with a goofy beard?

The Balder Truth

Now that they're 1-6 in games in which Mark DeRosa has played, the Cardinals must be trying to figure out what they need to do to get him back on the Cubs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Cool story by Yahoo! football writer Michael Silver, who tells of a phone conversation he had with Chad Ochounodostrescuatrocinco. Apparently, during a Lakers game last spring, the former Chad Johnson had a sit-down with Denzel Washington - who told Chad to stop being such a tool.

"He wasn't being gentle," C.O. told Silver. "He said, 'You know what? You need to straighten up and stop fussin' about something you have no control over. Make it fun again because it sure looks better when you do it that way.' That's all I needed to hear, especially from somebody like him."

By all means! After you're done getting real coaches fired, make sure you pay attention to a make-believe coach.

My sources tell me that Denzel's final words to C.O. were this:

"Oh, and remember the Titans!"