Rush Limbaugh eats babies?

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So my many advertisers don't abandon me, I'd like to apologize in advance.

See, I'm about to call Rush Limbaugh a disgusting, fat, vile slob who rapes little children and then eats their hearts, livers and kidneys. He washes down those internal organs (along with a half-dozen Oxycontin pills, of course) with human blood.

See, I already realize I didn't choose the best words to describe Mr. Limbaugh, the conscience and spokesman of today's GOP. What happened is that I got caught up with the vitriol spewed by those on the right, and I followed their lead. I should have been better than that.

Republican leaders -- men and women we entrust to run our country and take on our enemies abroad -- live in fear of Mr. Limbaugh, who could crush them by uttering one word about them on his radio show (not to mention by sitting on them). It's one of the many problems with our country today, but that doesn't mean I should be using insults and other incendiary language when describing him.

So believe me ... when I said that Mr. Limbaugh puts firecrackers into the anuses of puppies and then lights the fuses, what I really meant to say is that he merely is a drug-abusing hypocrite jerk who wants to play God.

Phew. I feel better already. And I'm sure my sponsors do, too.

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And speaking of idiocy bordering on evil ...

NFL commish Roger Goodell can't possibly come down hard enough on the Saints for giving their players financial incentives to injure opposing players during their title-winning 2009 season and other years.

Fines to the GM and the coach should reach into seven digits, the former defensive coordinator should be suspended for a year and every player involved should be suspended without pay for a minimum of four games. The franchise should lose at least two first-round draft picks and should be banned from next year's postseason.

The NFL should keep investigating to see if other teams from the recent past -- especially those that employed defensive coordinator Gregg Williams -- also engaged in the "bounty pool" practice and should punish them accordingly.

With Williams egging them on, Saints players pooled their money to create a bounty system that rewarded players with $1,000 for "cart-offs" and $1,500 for "knockouts." The Saints targeted specific opponents, among them Kurt Warner and Brett Favre.

Sick.

Football is violent enough. (And we love that about it, don't we?) But to reward players with money for purposely injuring opponents is as immoral an act as anything that has taken place in recent sports history. It is significantly worse than Spygate -- and that was pretty bad.

Goodell has made a name for himself as the toughest sheriff around, doling out significant punishment for relatively minor infractions. If he's willing to fine a player $10,000 for celebrating in the end zone, he certainly should be willing to fine a player 10 or even 100 times that for aiming to deliberately hurt fellow players.

Here is Goodell's chance to show his disciplinary program is for real and not just for show.

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Bloviating bully Limbaugh & other non-surprises

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Kentucky rolls. Illinois loses. Infamous druggie hypocrite Rush Limbaugh says something bombastic, insensitive and idiotic. Grady Sizemore has back surgery and will be sidelined for months. Tiger Woods laments his lousy putting. GOP voters voice displeasure with their presidential-candidate choices. SI reports that a college basketball coach, UCLA's Ben Howland, looked the other way while the inmates ran the asylum. European Union leaders are arguing. Cubbie fans express hope.

If you were looking for the first day of March to yield unexpected treasures, you shoulda stayed in bed.

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Mariotti: reaping what he sows

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So how 'bout that wacky Jay Mariotti getting charged with felonies for stalking, domestic violence and assault?

Even though he has pleaded innocent, we all know he is guilty. Why? Because if Jay Mariotti were writing this right now about somebody else -- especially an athlete -- he'd be assuming the alleged felon were an actual felon. Guilty until proven innocent.

This reminds me of Rush Limbaugh saying all drug addicts should be jailed. Until, of course, he became one himself.

Jay ... Rush ... there's nothing worse than a bombastic bully.

Oh wait, I'm wrong about that. A felon is worse. And soon enough, Mariotti very well might be found to be one of those, too.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
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Talk about sexy: Limbaugh in a Speedo!

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You gotta love Rush Limbaugh calling Michelle Obama a hypocrite because she occasionally eats high-fat foods while promoting healthy eating habits and because "she does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."

Even allowing for some hyperbole on Rush's part, you gotta love his suggestion that only those with the bodies of SI cover models -- not even mere SI swimsuit models, but cover models! -- are allowed to use a public forum to promote healthy eating.

And you gotta love Rush calling anybody a hypocrite on anything, because it's not as if he would ever say drug addicts should be jailed even as he's popping prescription pain-killers he acquired illegally because he's an addict.

Nope, he'd never do that.

Thank goodness we have a paragon of virtue such as Rush Limbaugh to point out others' hypocrisies.

And, while we're at it, thank goodness we have him to comment on obesity and other health issues.

I mean, I can't wait to see him in a Speedo on the cover of next year's SI swimsuit issue.
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We have clearance, Clarence ... Roger, Roger ... What's our vector, Victor?

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The Bald Truth

As one of the guest celebrities playing for charity this week on Jeopardy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar impressively nailed correct responses in categories about books, history and oceans. Then came this answer in the category I WENT TO UCLA:

TELL YOUR OLD MAN TO DRAG THIS '70s UCLA & TRAIL BLAZER CENTER (& LANIER!) UP & DOWN THE COURT FOR 48 MINUTES

Kareem buzzed in first and, with a knowing gleam in his eyes, confidently spit out: "Who is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?"

To which Alex Trebek immediately scolded: "No!"

With a shocked look on Abdul-Jabbar's face, Trebek continued: "You're the one who delivered the line, but it was about Bill Walton!"

Kareem, who had delivered that line as co-pilot Roger Murdock in 1980's hilarious Airplane!, hesitated for a second, slapped his bald head, laughed and moaned: "Ohhh ... "

Said Trebek: "Embarrassing moments on Jeopardy!"

In the end, Kareem finished well behind comedic actor Michael McKean (but ahead of CNN's Soledad O'Brien).

Somehow, I think it would have gone better, stewardess, had Trebek spoken jive.

The Balder Truth

Here's a shock: Instead of ripping prospective bid leader Dave Checketts for caving in to public pressure and stabbing him in the back by booting him from a prospective Rams ownership group, Rush Limbaugh blamed "Obama's America."

Tune in Monday, when Limbaugh blames Obama for ESPN firing Rush in 2003, for Rush getting hooked on drugs a few years earlier and for Rush dropping out of college three decades before that.

Damn Obama! Is there no evil that man and his minions cannot perpetrate!

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Albert Pujols says he's in no hurry to work out a contract extension with the Cardinals. A perfect response for a guy who seems in no hurry to get his first postseason extra-base hit since 2006.

Some real bald baseball predictions

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The Bald Truth

For all those who somehow missed that Wednesday was Bald and Free Day - really; you can look it up! - I, as Grand Pooh-bald, have extended the event through the end of the week.

So now that you have several more days, feel free to hug your favorite bald dude ... or dudette, if Natalie Portman, Sinead O'Connor or Demi Moore happen to be around.

The Balder Truth

Wow, I remember the Rams' Rush Limbaugh Era as if it were just yesterday.

Wait ... it was just yesterday.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

For all the talk about a possible Freeway Series out in La-La-Land, why do I get the feeling we're going to see a Nothing-Free-About-It I-95 Series instead?

Well, because the Yankees and Phillies are better than the Angels and Dodgers, that's why.

Of course, that doesn't always matter. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to see the fundamentally sound, motivated-by-tragedy Angels nibbling CC Sabathia until he weighs only 300 pounds and shutting down A-Roid & Co. Nor does it take much imagination to see Manny being vintage Manny and the good Dodgers pitching making life tough on the Phils.

But I'm not letting my imagination run wild here. I'm going with chalk.

This just feels like the Yankees' year. They have more great players than any other team, and those great players have been playing especially well lately. Yankees in 6.

And as much as I want to see Jim Thome do some DH-ing in the World Series, his Dodgers simply will not be able to keep up with the balanced Philly lineup. I'm going to put a little caveat out here: As long as Brad Lidge isn't terrible, Phillies in 6.