Must-Miss TV: A Rocky ride

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It was on cable a few weeks ago, so I DVRed it. My son and I watched it yesterday.

I might be scarred for life and I want to save you from that fate.

Rocky Balboa, a 2006 release that was the sixth (and, God willing, last) in the series, was so cover-your-eyes stupid and schmaltzy that "bad" isn't a good enough adjective to describe it.

What statement was Sly Stallone making by naming it that instead of calling it Rocky VI? Maybe, like Balboa, he's too over-the-hill to count to six?

This film was all about Stallone desperately trying to prove his relevance. Sorry, Sly. Oh, and the toupee looked ridiculous, too.

There have been many great boxing movies. To name a few: Raging Bull ... When We Were Kings ... The Harder They Fall ... Million Dollar Baby ... and, yes, Rocky.

Rocky Balboa falls just a little short of great the same way Sly Stallone falls just a little short of Tom Hanks.

Amazingly, back in '06, many reviewers actually liked this thing. I know, because I did some Googling to check out what they wrote. For example, Sun-Times critic Richard Roeper called it "a fitting and triumphant final chapter." Then-Tribune critic Michael Wilmington wrote: "The movie itself, defying all odds, comes close to a knockout." Some dude named Mark Bell for some site called Film Threat, said: "The acting in the film is grade-A."

I'm wondering: Had these "experts" inadvertently reviewed the original Rocky? Or even Rocky III, with the glorious Mr. T stealing the show with his own unique brand of grade-A acting?

Thankfully, confirming that I'm not totally insane, plenty of rational critics agreed with me. Said the Boston Globe's Ty Burr: "It's so wrapped up in its maker's personal mythology and psychic needs that it becomes a hall of mirrors to which we're given a slack-jawed ringside seat." Said Kenneth Turan of the L.A. Times: "This is a film for gluttons for punishment. Everyone else, please leave the building."

The premise of Rocky Balboa is idiotic enough: a 50-something has-been who hasn't stepped in the ring in years decides his life won't be complete unless he goes toe-to-toe with the undefeated, in-his-prime champion.

Boxing fans who prefer realism to fantasy chuckled at all of the Rocky movies - even the superior first edition. Specifically, why wouldn't the ref have stopped the fight the first half-dozen times Apollo knocked Rocky into la-la-land? OK, it's a fairy tale. We get it.

This time, though, you have an old man getting the crap beaten out of him in the opening minutes of a so-called "exhibition." The second time he was knocked down, Rocky actually needed to use the ropes to pull himself up at the count of nine.

And yet ... the ref let the fight go on. That's not a fairy tale, it's sanctioned abuse of the elderly.

Some might say it's so bad it's funny. No. It's simply so bad. One absurd/terrible/unwatchable scene after another. On a few occasions, the writing and acting were so awful, I had to fast-forward it just to get on with the story.

OK, so why am I going on and on about a three-year-old movie? What's next? My review of Klute?

Well, I'm doing this because I love boxing movies and I hate bad boxing movies. And because Rocky Balboa is out there in cable-land, just waiting to reel in the next sucker. And because you might see that it's on, see the three stars next to the title in the cable guide and say to yourself, "You know, I never saw this one. I think I'll check it out."

Don't!

Spend those 102 minutes doing something productive ... like staring blankly into space.

You're welcome.

It is Favre's life, isn't it?

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The Bald Truth

Nobody likes a waffler, a flip-flopper, a dude who can't make up his stinkin' mind. But enough about Barack Obama and his health plan.

Seriously, why all the hate for Brett Favre?

Obviously, most folks in Minnesota are loving their newest Viking hero. And most people in Green Bay don't appreciate Favre now throwing for the enemy. And, of course, most Chicagoans would spit on Favre no matter his team (unless it was da Bears, my friend).

Otherwise, what's the big deal? Why are so many people so upset that Favre can't bring himself to walk away from the game he loves?

Michael Jordan felt some of the same hate way back when. So did Sugar Ray Leonard. It made no sense.

Once upon a time, we hated quitters. Now, apparently, we hate guys who won't quit.

If Favre ends up stinking up the Humptydome, that's his problem (and the Vikings' massive problem). He's the one taking the risk (though perhaps not as big a risk as Minny's taking).

Some would argue that he's just being selfish. Well ... duh! If you can name one pro athlete who isn't at least a little selfish - and three who aren't a lot selfish - I'll be very impressed.

Bottom line: If you retired from your job but almost immediately had misgivings, and then a different employer in the same field offered you big money, killer benefits and ideal working conditions ... I'm guessing you'd make a comeback, too.

And I, for one, wouldn't hate you because you waffled.

The Balder Truth

Viking fans haven't been this giddy since 1989, when an already good team brought in Herschel Walker as the final piece of its championship puzzle.

That turned out pretty well, no?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

And speaking of old jocks who keep on keeping on ...

Nice move by the Cardinals to pick up John Smoltz - and for a heck of a lot less money than the Vikings are paying Favre.

If Smoltz works out as the No. 5 starter, he could be the difference in the pennant race.

If he fails, he likely will not have been hit any harder than the other bottom-of-the-rotation noodle-arms the Cards have been trotting out there. In other words, the team probably will have been no worse off.

Besides, this is starting to feel like one of those stretches in which just about everything the Redbirds touch turns to gold.

So figure Smoltz for a few wins - no doubt backed by Matt Holliday homers, Mark DeRosa RBIs and Julio Lugo fielding plays.

Why, Tony La Russa will be so happy, he actually might think about smiling for a second.

Very human Tiger gets weekend off

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The Bald Truth

I love watching any golf tournament in which the scores are close in the final nine holes and Tiger Woods is a legitimate contender.

That being said, I also think it's a good thing the very few times Tiger misses the cut, as he did at the British Open.

Yes, I know it costs the network viewers and, by extension, money. And I know it automatically makes Sunday at least a little less interesting.

But I'm a big fan of anything that works against the deification of any human being.

Woods is a great golfer. Probably the greatest ever. But he doesn't always win. Neither did Jack Nicklaus or Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or Martina Navratilova or Wayne Gretzky or Babe Ruth.

How boring would it be if the greatest always performed greatly and always won?

It's good for the rest of us - and a wonderful lesson for us to teach our kids - that even Tiger Woods fails sometimes.

Now get out to that practice range, young man, and work on that driver!

The Balder Truth

This is Example No. 773 why you should always take The Field over Tiger Woods.

Yeah, he amazingly has won 14 of the 49 majors he's played as a professional.

Hello! That means he has not won 35 of them - 71.4 percent!

This is the biggest no-brainer out there. Yet before every major, the experts and talking heads always, always, always pick Tiger to win.

Dumb.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Frankly, it was sickening the way the TNT folks openly, desperately pulled for Tiger to make the cut. It got to the point where they were rooting against others in the field, hoping the non-Eldricks would miss shots just so the cut line would come down to Woods at +5.

I mean, nobody really expects TV types to be objective, but this was ridiculous.

And TNT won't even be televising the final two rounds!

That means it was hero worship as much as it was rooting for ratings.

Pathetic.

Isiah's legacy, Oscar's future and my puck reawakening

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The Bald Truth

Are sports yakkers actually debating Isiah Thomas' legacy now that he's taken a college coaching job at some nondescript Sun Belt school? What is there to debate?

One of the great point guards ever.

A mediocre coach when his team had good talent and a bad coach when his team had mediocre talent.

As bad an executive as anyone who hasn't run the Clippers.

There. That's Isiah's legacy.

The Balder Truth

Boxer Oscar De La Hoya has retired because he has pretty much done it all.

Except come out of retirement to win a title.

Translation: His unretirement press conference will take place in eight months. Ten tops.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Once upon a time, I watched hockey. Lots of hockey.

For most of a decade, as the de facto national hockey writer for The Associated Press, I witnessed every big event the sport staged - Stanley Cup Finals, Olympics, All-Star Games, NCAA Frozen Fours, Minnesota prep puck tourneys, strikes, lockouts. You name it, I covered it.

Then I came to Chicago in the mid-'90s, when the Bulls were the big story and the Blackhawks were a punch line. The NHL started sticking teams in every city that had a population larger than that of the LaSalle-Peru Greater Metro Area and started scheduling work stoppages just for funsies.

As a result, I completely lost my puck mojo.

It's a little too early to say that it's completely back, but now I at least can watch a game all the way through - especially on HDTV. I'm starting to enjoy the entertaining sport again and to re-educate myself about the NHL's top players and best teams.

I'm not going to pretend I know enough about today's NHL to predict which team will win the Stanley Cup, but I do know enough to say this:

Expect playoff upsets. 

Why? Two reasons:

1. The luck factor. In the NBA, the ball doesn't go off somebody's backside and into the hoop. In baseball, nobody hits a home run while diving through the air, his body parallel to the ground. But in hockey, the Cup-winning goal can be scored in overtime on a shot that deflects off of eight people.

2. The goalie factor. Baseball comes close, because one pitcher can dominate the opponent and lift an ordinary team (see: 1988 Dodgers), but that's pretty rare because said pitcher only can work three World Series games max. The NHL goaltender is in the net for every second of every game ... and if he's hot, he's hot. Almost every year, one goalie makes the folks in Canada say: "He's really standing on his head, eh?"

While it's impossible to predict who will be lucky, it's a little easier to forecast which teams might benefit from otherworldly goaltending. 

Watch out for the Canucks and the marvelous Roberto Luongo. It's possible that the neophyte Blue Jackets could steal at least a couple of games from the heavily favored Red Wings thanks to remarkable rookie Steve Mason. There is no better gamer in net than the Devils' Martin Brodeur. The Bruins' Tim Thomas led the league in save percentage and goals-against average.

Or maybe some decent goalie will catch fire at just the right time - a la Jon Casey with the '91 North Stars - and carry a sub-par team all the way to the Finals.

I guarantee that the North Stars won't pull off a repeat. Otherwise, it would be folly for me to try to predict the team that will be drinking from Lord Stanley's Cup. 

I'd have a better chance to score a date with Anna Kournikova while standing on my head, eh?