Lofa Tatupu and then Jay Cutler? Please!

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Wow. Not a single Chicago Bear is ranked in the top 56 on Sporting News' 2009 list of the NFL's 100 greatest players. And get this: Jay Cutler is No. 68, right between Lofa Tatupu and Kris Jenkins.

Sixty-freakin'-eight!!!

This is all the information anybody needs to realize that the list is a complete sham, my friends.

Peyton Manning No. 1? Just wait 'til he has to go head-to-head in the Super Bowl against a team not quarterbacked by Rex! Bears 40, Colts 1.

Tom Brady No. 2? Let's see if he even makes it to Week 2 this year.

Adrian Peterson No. 3? Clearly, this selection was influenced by the superior Bears tailback of the same name.

I mean, who did these rankings? Packer fans, cloistered monks and Josh McDaniels' Cutler-hating staff?

Obviously, this should have been the NFL's top 10:

1. Jay Cutler. Nuff said.

2. More Jay Cutler. He throws so nice, he gets ranked twice.

3. Devin Hester. That speed ... Jay's arm ... pure magic!

4. Earl Bennett. You know that age-old football saying: There's no passer-catcher combo like one from Vanderbilt.

5. Greg Olsen. Was a great tight end even with Orton throwing to him.

6. Dez Clark. Ditto.

7. Matt Forte. Delightfully nuanced with a delicate bouquet ... nobody hands off like Cutler.

8. Olin Kreutz. The only center lucky enough to have Jay's hands you-know-where.

9. Orlando Pace. Knowing he must protect Cutler's blind side is all the motivation any left tackle needs.

10. Brian Urlacher. Just for being Jay's pal.

There. Glad that's settled. Now let's do the list of NFL teams that will go undefeated, untied and unscored-upon in 2009:

1. Bears.

It is Favre's life, isn't it?

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The Bald Truth

Nobody likes a waffler, a flip-flopper, a dude who can't make up his stinkin' mind. But enough about Barack Obama and his health plan.

Seriously, why all the hate for Brett Favre?

Obviously, most folks in Minnesota are loving their newest Viking hero. And most people in Green Bay don't appreciate Favre now throwing for the enemy. And, of course, most Chicagoans would spit on Favre no matter his team (unless it was da Bears, my friend).

Otherwise, what's the big deal? Why are so many people so upset that Favre can't bring himself to walk away from the game he loves?

Michael Jordan felt some of the same hate way back when. So did Sugar Ray Leonard. It made no sense.

Once upon a time, we hated quitters. Now, apparently, we hate guys who won't quit.

If Favre ends up stinking up the Humptydome, that's his problem (and the Vikings' massive problem). He's the one taking the risk (though perhaps not as big a risk as Minny's taking).

Some would argue that he's just being selfish. Well ... duh! If you can name one pro athlete who isn't at least a little selfish - and three who aren't a lot selfish - I'll be very impressed.

Bottom line: If you retired from your job but almost immediately had misgivings, and then a different employer in the same field offered you big money, killer benefits and ideal working conditions ... I'm guessing you'd make a comeback, too.

And I, for one, wouldn't hate you because you waffled.

The Balder Truth

Viking fans haven't been this giddy since 1989, when an already good team brought in Herschel Walker as the final piece of its championship puzzle.

That turned out pretty well, no?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

And speaking of old jocks who keep on keeping on ...

Nice move by the Cardinals to pick up John Smoltz - and for a heck of a lot less money than the Vikings are paying Favre.

If Smoltz works out as the No. 5 starter, he could be the difference in the pennant race.

If he fails, he likely will not have been hit any harder than the other bottom-of-the-rotation noodle-arms the Cards have been trotting out there. In other words, the team probably will have been no worse off.

Besides, this is starting to feel like one of those stretches in which just about everything the Redbirds touch turns to gold.

So figure Smoltz for a few wins - no doubt backed by Matt Holliday homers, Mark DeRosa RBIs and Julio Lugo fielding plays.

Why, Tony La Russa will be so happy, he actually might think about smiling for a second.

Stallworth, like Vick, can show he deserves second chance

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The Bald Truth

The Browns won't commit to bringing Donte' Stallworth back next season. Fair enough. He has to earn their trust.

I applaud NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for doing what the courts were afraid to do: punish Stallworth harshly for getting drunk, getting behind the wheel of a car and killing an innocent man. The one-year suspension without pay won't bring the victim back to life, but at least it's something real - as opposed to the 24-day jail sentence Stallworth served.

I also applaud Stallworth. He could have reacted any number of ways after the suspension was handed down Thursday. He could have been irate. He could have acted as if he were the victim. He could have made noise about appealing, either through the union or the courts.

Instead, he issued this statement:

"Regardless of the length of my suspension, I will carry the burden of (the victim's) death for the rest of my life. I urge NFL fans not to judge NFL players or me based on my tragic lapse in judgment. I am a good person who did a bad thing. I will use the period of my suspension to reflect, fulfill my obligations, and use this experience to make a positive impact on the lives of those who look up to NFL players."

Maybe he took that tone just to save his career, but at least he took it.

If he comes out of this a better person, he will deserve a chance to do what he does best - if not for Cleveland, than for another team.

The Quote

"He gave Lou exactly what he needed - a deep outing." - Cubs broadcaster Bob Brenly as Ryan Dempster neared the end of a seven-inning, six-run, two-HR, eight-hit outing in Thursday's 6-1 loss to the Phillies.

Really?

Hey, I'm a big Bob Brenly fan because he tells it like it is more often than just about any team announcer in the bigs ... but really?

A $52 million pitcher gives up six runs to fall to 6-6 with a 4.23 ERA for a team that is crashing and burning, and he gets a big thumbs-up just because he labored through seven innings in yet another lopsided defeat for Lou Piniella's losers?

I understand that the Cubs scored only once and that the result was hardly Dempster's fault, but does he really deserve praise for pitching seven innings of batting practice?

How in the name of Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver and Sandy Koufax did actual performances on the mound become secondary to eating innings?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Even if Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was motivated at least in part by his desire to steal some thunder from the Phillies, his signing of convicted dog torturer Michael Vick showed guts and compassion.

My longtime readers know I'm a big believer in second chances. Vick committed a heinous crime and served a long sentence. He has been apologetic and humble.

The ultimate goal of incarceration is to rehabilitate criminals, to make them valuable contributors to society.

Lurie obviously knows PETA will be out in full force, picketing Eagles games to draw attention to their cause. Well, if the PETA folks would look at the big picture, they would realize that having Vick campaign publicly against inhumane treatment of animals - as he says he will - is far more valuable than having him manage a Waffle House in Podunk.

As for the football side of it, I'm a little surprised Vick landed in Philly, where Donovan McNabb just got a lucrative contract extension and where coach Andy Reid benched McNabb at one point last season in favor of supposed QB of the future Kevin Kolb.

So either Reid is no longer very high on Kolb or the coach is intrigued by the many roles Vick can play in the offense (or maybe a little of both).

Whatever the reason, I'm glad to see our legal system working properly.

Now, here's hoping that a Falcon turned Eagle truly will spread his wings and take flight.

Become a solid citizen, Mr. Vick, and prove you deserve the tremendous second chance you have received.

Was Kane really able to do such a thing?

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The Bald Truth

The first time I read the Patrick Kane story, I couldn't believe it. So I surfed the 'Net and found more versions of it. And it still seems too absurd to be true.

For those unfamiliar with the whole shebang: The 20-year-old Blackhawks star - the carefully marketed, baby-faced face of the franchise - supposedly beat the crap out of a Buffalo cabbie over 20 cents.

The CliffsNotes version: He and his cousin, James Kane, allegedly handed the cabbie $15 cash for a $13.80 fare after a night of partying. After the driver gave the Kanes a dollar back but said he didn't have 20 cents in coins, according to the police report, one of the Kanes tore money from the driver's hand and both punched the driver in the face and head.

(Click here for the TV interview of the cab driver.)

"They broke my glasses. They ripped my clothes off. All over 20 cents," the cabbie told the Chicago Tribune.

As I said earlier: Un-freakin'-believable.

But is it? Is it really?

Is there anything that pro athletes - so full of wealth, testosterone, feelings of invincibility and senses of entitlement - are above doing?

Even sweet-looking kids like Patrick Kane, the new EA Sports NHL '10 video game coverboy and a prospective U.S. Olympian?

Hey, I'm not here to convict Patrick Kane. I don't know all the facts. The only people who really know what happened in that cab are the Kanes and the cabbie. Over time, hopefully everything will come to light.

All I know is that the most unbelievable actions involving jocks turn out to be all-too-believable anymore.

I'm determined to keep an open mind. A skeptical and cynical mind, yes, but an open one.

If these charges prove false, I hope Patrick Kane can have some semblance of a normal life and NHL career. If they prove true, however, I hope he rots in jail until he's ready for hockey's Senior Circuit.

The Balder Truth

I'm not supposed to joke about such a serious subject, but ...

I'm so, so, SO tempted to give Patrick Kane a new nickname that's sure to give him street cred:

"20 Cent," of course!

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Every time there's a story about a one-time multimillionaire athlete or rock star or actor going broke, the natural reaction is:

How? I couldn't spend all that money even if I tried!

Well, actually, you could. And these rich and famous people do. All the time.

A three-paragraph item tucked deep inside Sunday's Tribune tells of the real-estate transactions of one Rex Grossman, the QB Chicago fans learned to loathe until he was handed a one-way ticket out of Bear Country.

Seems that Grossman - who already was trying to sell his three-bedroom suburban townhome for $899,000 - now is trying to unload his 3,437-square-foot condo in the new Trump International Hotel & Tower downtown at a substantial loss from the $2.68 million he paid for it less than a year ago.

OK, I understand why Grossman bought the expensive home in the 'burbs. That's where the Bears train and the former No. 1 draft pick figured he'd be the team's starting quarterback for a decade. Plus, he bought it before the market went to crap.

But the Trump place? Really? He thought $2.68 million was a bargain for a condo in a declining market? And he thought buying a second place in Bear Country was a good idea even though the team had lost all faith in him and practically was holding the exit door open for him?

Either he got bad advice, he's really stupid or a little of both.

Maybe Rex has made dozens of great investments and that was just a bad one. Maybe he's got more money than God and would laugh at his name even being mentioned in this blog post.

Still, such silliness is just one of hundreds of examples I can give you illustrating how a millionaire can become a bankrupt ex-millionaire faster than a mediocre QB can get picked off for a TD.

Stop the press! Urlacher tells truth about himself

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The Bald Truth

Last year, anybody who dared say that Brian Urlacher was playing poorly got an earful from the Bears' proud middle linebacker.

Also, from Lovie Smith, Jerry Angelo, Bob Babich (Lovie's defensive coordinator wannabe), Lance Briggs, Peanut Tillman and from pretty much everybody who had anything to do with the team - including Staley, Mrs. McCaskey and the Galloping Ghost's ghost.

How dare we look at Brian The Great and view him as Brian The OK?

So I found it most interesting that, in a one-on-one interview with Tribune football writer Dan Pompei, Urlacher admitted he "got pushed around at times" last season.

"I wasn't happy with last year, put it that way. It wasn't one of those years I'll look back on and remember as a good year."

What? Didn't Brian get the memo that he could do no wrong?

Now 31, he has pronounced himself healthy, happy and rarin' to go. That must sound good to the intelligent Bear fans who know it was the defense - not the much-maligned offense - that most often condemned the team to defeat last season.

Because I'm an objective skeptic and not a fan, I think I'll wait until October or so to see if Urlacher had the right to declare, "I'm back" ... or if Michael Jordan should sue him for plagiarism.

The Quote

"Well, we've had a lot of injuries this year, Tony. We don't use that as an excuse, but ... " - Lou Piniella on Wednesday's "Pardon the Interruption."

Oh no, the Cubbie skipper never uses injuries as an excuse.

Except pretty much every day.

The Balder Truth

There's a reason Kyle Lohse has an 82-87 career record with a 4.67 ERA.

So if the Cardinals are waiting for the guy who went 15-6 with a 3.78 ERA last year, they might have a long wait.

For all the good work GM John Mozeliak did leading up to the trading deadline, the Cards still might find themselves an arm or two short at summer's end.

Archie's Boy/Peyton's Bro

Six years, $97 million? Good for you, Eli Manning!

That's a pretty nice haul for a guy who isn't even one of the top two QBs in his own family.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Twenty-six years ago, a sweet, young Chicago woman named Roberta Palenica took a chance on a slightly overweight, extremely hairy, cocky, loud, East Coast knucklehead named Mike Nadel.

I'm glad she didn't think about it too much back on Aug. 6, 1983. Because if she had, she might have said: "I don't."

In the 26 years since, I've gotten a little thinner, a lot balder and, yes, even a little quieter (but only a little). My Robbie? She's more gorgeous now than ever. Really.

Here we are just a couple months ago at a Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers concert. What ever happened to the theory that men age more gracefully than women?

Anyway, I just want to wish my beautiful bride a Happy Anniversary and thank her for thinking I was an acceptable catch instead of throwing me back!

Vikes insist on wearing purple, so Favre takes a pass

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The List

Top five reasons Brett Favre decided against coming out of retirement to play for the Vikings:

5. "If I can't play with the Bears' Adrian Peterson, I don't want to play with any Adrian Peterson at all!"

4. "Purple only looks good on Whoopi, Barney and Prince."

3. "It's my dream to play baseball, and Jerry Reinsdorf has a spot for me on the Birmingham Barons."

2. "That control freak Roger Goodell won't let me wear Wranglers during games!"

1. "I don't want anything to happen on the field that might tarnish my Jets legacy."

The Bald Truth

A walk and a hit?

After only 15 perfect innings?

Boy, Mark Buehrle sucks!

The Balder Truth

We got a look at what makes a perfect game so damn near impossible - and even a shutout an outstanding accomplishment.

Though he pitched masterfully again Tuesday, Buehrle was charged with five runs and a loss because neither LF Scott Podsednik nor 2B Chris Getz could make what should have been routine plays.

Ah, but give Podsednik and Getz a break. They aren't perfect, you know.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Twinkie fans at the Humpty Dome cheered for Buehrle after he walked Alexi Casilla with two outs in the sixth, gave him a standing O again after he gave up a single to the next batter, Denard Span, and cheered long and loud until he tipped his cap after he was taken out of the game in the seventh.

I wish I could say I was surprised by the classiness of Minnesotans, but having spent a very enjoyable decade of my life there, I'm not.

Folks there are nice. Period.

Seems the cold weather keeps the riffraff out.

T.O. ... as Voice of Reason?

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The Bald Truth

Hold on ... I'm hyperventilating.

I ... can't ... catch ... my ... breath ...

OK. I'll just try to get this out of the way so I can relax.

It seems Terrell Owens and I agree on something important. And we don't just kind of agree a teeny bit, we are in complete agreement. Jeesh!

There. I said it. And I'm still alive.

T.O.'s subject du jour at Bills training camp Sunday was Michael Vick ... and here's what Owens had to say about reports that NFL commish Roger "The Sheriff" Goodell plans to suspend the ex-All-Pro/ex-con for the first four games of the season if and when some team signs Vick:

"I think he's done the time for what he's done. I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground. The guy's already suffered so much. And to add a four-game suspension on a two-year prison sentence, that's ridiculous."

Wow.

When the man's right, the man's right. Even if "kicking a dead horse" might not have been the best defense for Vick given PETA's disdain for him already.

Hey, I like that Goodell is taking a tough stance against some of these thugs. But when the law already has taken an extremely tough stance, why pile on? Why not let Vick try to make a living doing what he does best?

Michael Vick was mean - really, really, insidiously mean - to dogs. He deserved punishment. He got punished. But believe me, he will not be the worst guy earning a paycheck in the NFL this season.

As T.O. said: "I mean, there's a lot more guys around the league that have done far more worst things than that and gotten second chances."

Help! 

It's ... happening ... again. Must ... loosen ... collar ... 

The Quote

"I don't think we're gonna get any nicer articles written about us. But we're in first place, so you can't find a negative in that." - Milton Bradley, when asked what he thought about the Cubs taking the NL Central lead Sunday.

This is beautiful, no? In going out of his way to call the media negative, Bradley took the most positive subject possible and turned it into a negative.

If only he could have been more positive ... like the media!

(For more on Mr. Happy and the Cubs, check out the story I wrote for AP.)

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Over the next few days, the Blue Jays will face major pressure to accept an offer for Roy Halladay, but there is absolutely no reason for them to settle for anything short of an amazing, no-brainer of a deal.

Halladay is signed through the end of next season and, in today's dollars for a stud arm, he's even reasonably priced.

He is the best pitcher in the American League, maybe in baseball, and he's still in his prime. The Blue Jays have every right to expect big-time value in exchange.

Unless Halladay suffers some kind of catastrophic injury, the teams desperate for him now will still want him during the Winter Meetings or in spring training 2010 or at next year's trading deadline.

If the Jays get an offer they can't refuse, they shouldn't be afraid to trade him - and I don't think they are.

If GM J.P. Riccardi keeps getting offers he easily can refuse, however, he should keep Halladay, let loyal Jays fans enjoy Doc's pitching for the next couple of months and then see what happens during the offseason.

That's exactly the vibe Riccardi is sending as this year's deadline nears. If he's just bluffing, he's one heck of a poker player.

To: Curtis Enis ... From: Your Favorite Jew

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It was 10 years ago Thursday that I had perhaps the weirdest conversation I've ever had with an athlete - that athlete being Curtis Enis, the enigmatic sled of a tailback who lasted only three years in the NFL after the Bears made him the fifth-overall pick in the 1998 draft.

As a rookie, Enis was mostly unproductive on the field before hurting his knee. He was known more for being a soft-spoken, self-described Christian who had gotten horrible advice from his agent than for being a star on the rise.

Now, as training camp 1999 opened, a different Enis had arrived. As I wrote in my column from that day: 

"Enis barreled into Platteville in his gigantic, customized, seven-miles-per-gallon Hummer, rap-music blaring, horns sounding his arrival. He wore a New York City cabbie shirt with 'Abdule' stitched over the right pocket, khaki shorts tugged down just enough to reveal the waistband of his red Hilfiger briefs, and a pair ot Chuck Taylor hi-tops over his sock-less feet. This is Curtis with a 'tude. ... He has dumped his agent. ... And, hold your ears: Enis has changed linguistic styles, too. A half-hour chat with the media included multiple damns, hells and other colorful words."

OK, now that you've got the picture, here was the exchange he and I had (with another half-dozen or so media listening in):

Me: "Don't take this question the wrong way. Do you still consider yourself a Christian?"

Enis: "Do you consider yourself one?"

Me: "No."

Enis: "OK then."

Me: "I'm Jewish."

Enis: "Well, I have no problem being Jewish. I like to get money and make things happen."

What? No reference to my big nose, my love of bagels or the way I singlehandedly control the media? So disappointing.

After his playing career ended, Enis bounced around from job to job. According to newspaper accounts, he has landed with the Miami (Ohio) County Sheriff's Dept., where he is a deputy. He also is doing some volunteer coaching with a local high school.

There were no updates about his views of Jews (or any other religion, race, creed, color or nationality), which is probably a good thing.

Anyway, how a decade flies when you're having fun.

Happy anniversary, Curtis Enis. And shalom.