Fun with stats

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The Bald Truth

After pitching his no-hitter against the Rangers on April 18, 2007, Mark Buehrle won only one of his next eight starts and had a 4.61 ERA through June 9 as the White Sox tumbled helplessly out of the race.

After throwing his no-no against the Astros in that hurricane-displaced game at Milwaukee on Sept. 14, 2008, Carlos Zambrano was 14-5 with a 3.41 ERA in 28 starts. Cra-Z then allowed 13 runs in his final two regular-season outings, was lousy (and received lousy defensive support) in losing his only playoff start and has followed in 2009 with his worst season as the Cubs have been baseball's biggest busts. Total stats since the no-hitter: 8-8 with a 4.32 ERA over 29 games for the $91.5 Million Man.

After pitching his perfect game against the Rays this past July 23, Buehrle was 11-3 with a 3.28 ERA. Batters were hitting .247 against him, with a .286 OBP and .411 slugging average. Since then, he is 1-6 with a 4.91 ERA in 11 starts and batters are at .322/.366/.496 against him. No wonder the Sox have spiraled to oblivion.

So here's a little tip for all future Chicago pitching aces: Whatever you do, avoid throwing no-hitters!

The Balder Truth

Say this much about Milton Bradley: He made the Cubs interesting to follow this season.

Yep, they weren't nearly as boring as in 2008, when they were stuck with Mark DeRosa and the rest of a 97-win team.

Oh, and by the way, DeRo on Monday hit two more homers for the victorious Cardinals.

Jeesh ... talk about rubbing it in.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Projecting the results backward from the moment the Cubs banished Bradley to baseball's Nowhere Land, here is an irrefutable fact:

Had they never signed him, they'd be 149-0.

Take that, Cardinals!

Give 'em 1 minute, they'll give you 2 L's

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The Bald Truth

So I was watching Dennis Leary's Rescue Me with my wife when we put the show on pause to check out what was happening in Tuesday night's Chicago ballgames.

Within a 60-second span, Gordon Beckham grounded weakly to the pitcher with the tying run on base to end the White Sox's come-from-ahead loss to the Rays and The Great Jeff Samardzija served up Jayson Werth's 13th-inning homer to cap the Cubs' loss to the Phillies.

 

And then my wife and I switched back to Rescue Me, distracted only by the realization that our fine city is a mere three months away from yet another Cubs-Sox World Series.

Once Upon A Time

Hey, didn't Bobby Jenks used to be more than just another bad reliever with a goofy beard?

The Balder Truth

Now that they're 1-6 in games in which Mark DeRosa has played, the Cardinals must be trying to figure out what they need to do to get him back on the Cubs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Cool story by Yahoo! football writer Michael Silver, who tells of a phone conversation he had with Chad Ochounodostrescuatrocinco. Apparently, during a Lakers game last spring, the former Chad Johnson had a sit-down with Denzel Washington - who told Chad to stop being such a tool.

"He wasn't being gentle," C.O. told Silver. "He said, 'You know what? You need to straighten up and stop fussin' about something you have no control over. Make it fun again because it sure looks better when you do it that way.' That's all I needed to hear, especially from somebody like him."

By all means! After you're done getting real coaches fired, make sure you pay attention to a make-believe coach.

My sources tell me that Denzel's final words to C.O. were this:

"Oh, and remember the Titans!"

Managing to seem idiotic

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The Bald Truth

Lou is No. 1! Ozzie is No. 2!  And apparently, if they were managers, then would come Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Satan.

According to a Sports Illustrated survey of 380 ballplayers, Lou Piniella was chosen as the worst guy to play for (26 percent), followed by Ozzie Guillen (21 percent).

"I take that as a compliment," Lou said.

I take it for what it is - silliness. 

Ever since Piniella became the Cubbie skipper, players from every corner of the baseball world - even Japan - have begged to join Lou's Lovable Losers. Maybe it's despite him, maybe it's not, but they sure have wanted to take the Cubs' money to be on Lou's crew.

What is supposed to be so bad about Piniella anyway? He's certainly not the kind of guy who constantly gets on his players. Yeah, he called Milton Bradley "a piece of (poo)" last week. And yeah, he has given up on Stevie Ire and a few other guys. 

Mostly, though, he has been a big-time enabler. He has threatened to make changes but hasn't done so; instead, he has taken to making excuses for his players and his team. 

Fact is, Piniella's biggest fault has been that he's become too little like the Lou who threatened to kick Rob Dibble's butt and too much of a 65-year-old teddy bear.

As for Ozzie, he'd be near the top of my list of manager's I'd most like to play for. I'd know that as long as I show up on time and play hard, he'd have my back. And even if I sucked, he'd say so much goofy stuff that the headlines would be about his outrageousness and not my suckiness.

Oh, and Joe Torre finished fourth in the survey. Not only is he one of the all-time good guys, but he's a four-time champion who hasn't missed the playoffs since Clinton's first term.

Yeah, who'd want to play for a bum like that?

The Balder Truth

Scuttlebutt says Larry Brown had so much fun coaching Allen Iverson in Philly that he's ready for one more go-'round with AI in Charlotte.

Which leads to these two all-important questions:

Practice? You talkin' 'bout practice?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Boy, the rest of the National League sure will be in deep doo-doo as soon as The Great DeRosa actually gets a hit!