Jordan's Bobcats: "We're No. 1!"

^
The NBA has been around for so long that there were lots of Jewish players in its early years but no black players.

And in all that time, no team ever had finished with a winning percentage lower than .110.

Until now.

The Bobcats -- my home team -- became the suckiest suckers in pro basketball history Thursday, when they wrapped up their NBA season with their 23rd straight loss. With owner Michael Jordan watching from on high, the Bobkittens were trounced by a playoff-bound Knicks team that rested everybody this side of Dan Gadzuric.

M.J.'s freckle-faced lads finished the lockout-shortened season at 7-59 for a winning percentage of .106.

Or, if you prefer, a losing percentage of .894.

Once upon a time, Jordan was the ultimate winner. Now he is the king of the losers.

Maybe he just needs to bring a few Jewish players aboard.
^

Today's High 5: Charlotte Bobcats Edition

^
5. Some think it's pathetic that Kemba Walker and the Bobcats have won only 7 games this season. But hey, that's one whole win more than Walker managed in the 2011 NCAA tournament with UConn.

4. It's time to stop asking if this year's Kentucky Wildcats could beat the Bobcats in a 7-game series and start wondering if the Bobcats could beat the Bethune-Cookman Wildcats. (My money's on the Bobcats taking a tight series!)


3. OK, so things aren't all that peachy for the Bobcats. But at least they can look forward to paying Tyrus Thomas $26 million over the next three seasons.

2. Nobody can convince me that Cam Newton wouldn't be one of the three best Bobcats right now.

1. Sources say Michael Jordan just called his lawyer to see if he could make an addendum to his divorce settlement that would force Juanita to take the Bobcats.
^

MJ's mansion = Mitt's servant's quarters

^

Michael Jordan has put his 9-bedroom, 15-bathroom suburban Chicago home on the market.

Asking price: $29 million.

"That's not much at all," Mitt Romney was overheard saying. "Michael's practically giving it away."

^

Fool Michael twice, shame on him

^

You're a multizillionaire, you famously like to play the field and you lost a small fortune to your previous wife in a divorce settlement.

If you're Michael Jordan, why on earth would you want to get married again?

Love? Please. You can be in love without having to put your name on what has become a meaningless piece of paper.

You'll make this one sign a pre-nup? Big deal. There are lawyers who do nothing else for a living other than beat pre-nups.

I tell you this: If my Roberta ever dumps my sorry behind, I won't ever get married again.

And I only have about half the money MJ does.

^

Today's High Five: Michael Jordan, Quitter Palin, Brett Favre, Steve Jobs and more

^

5. Back in 1998, NBA owners thought they had a deal with players in time to save the entire season. Then an influential block of players -- mainly, those controlled by Michael Jordan's "superagent," David Falk -- nixed the deal. The lockout continued until a desperately negotiated agreement was followed by a sham 50-game season.

Flash forward to 2011. NBA owners, saying they are losing so much money it would make Mike Tyson's head spin, again have locked out their players. Once again, the start of the season is in jeopardy. Once again, prominent agents are threatening to scuttle any chance of an agreement.

This time, though, it is Jordan -- now the Bobcats owner -- who is crying poor. He says he and other owners of small- and mid-market franchises can't accept any new deal that doesn't include major concessions from the players.

Hmmm. I wonder what MJ the player (and his bobo, Falk) would have said about such a demand from MJ the owner?

In a related note ...

My son Ben, a Bulls season-ticket holder, is thrilled the league has canceled its entire exhibition season because now he'll get a full refund for those fake games.

The way the NBA, NFL and NHL force fans to buy tickets to make-believe games is borderline extortion.

Of course, nobody (not even Gilbert Arenas) held a gun to Ben's head, forcing him to buy season tickets.

4. Too bad Sarah Q. Palin, queen of the cash grab, formally announced she isn't running for president.

She had as much chance of getting elected as I do, and the comedy value of her bid would have been priceless.

3. Rather than congratulating Aaron Rodgers for leading the Packers to the championship and becoming one of football's best QBs, Brett Favre told an Atlanta radio station that Rodgers "just kind of fell into a good situation" and should have won a Super Bowl sooner.

This from a guy who, despite having outstanding talent around him most of his career, won all of four playoff games in his last 13 seasons. (Rodgers won four playoff games last season alone.)

Now that you've finally gone away, Brett, please shut the hell up.

2. I'd consider joining the Charlotte branch of Occupy Wall Street if I could figure out exactly what Occupy Wall Street stands for. Seriously.

1. Steve Jobs, the Apple founder who on Wednesday succumbed to pancreatic cancer after a long and brutal fight, was one of the world's most innovative men. One of the wealthiest, too. Even with all that money and fame, however, he couldn't stay alive.

He was only 56 years old.

Rich or poor, famous or anonymous, brilliant or stupid, happy or sad, beautiful or ugly, funny or serious, good or evil ... Death simply doesn't care.

Death gets all of us, whether or not we "deserve" to be gotten.

I think I've been trying to live life to its fullest, but maybe I need to try a little harder.

^

Hall Call: Worm 5, Reggie 0

^
Interesting that Dennis Rodman was chosen as a hoops Hall of Fame finalist but Reggie Miller wasn't. I'm not sure which guy Michael Jordan disliked more!

Worm undoubtedly is one of the all-time great characters in the history of sports. He gave me two of the best interviews I had as a journalist, so there's a soft spot in my heart for the dude.

Rodman's personality was so large it's easy to forget that he probably was the best pound-for-pound rebounder in basketball history. Phil Jackson used to say Rodman was one of the smartest offensive and defensive players he's ever coached, too. Throw in his major role for five championship teams -- five more than Miller won -- and it's pretty much impossible to exclude him, no?

Then again, none of it really matters if Tex Winter doesn't finally get in. Given all he has accomplished, they might as well not even have a Hall of Fame if it doesn't include the architect of the triple-post offense.
^

New Bobcats coach will need aspirin in bulk

^
Like me, Paul Silas loves shopping at Costco. I just saw him filling his cart at our Charlotte store a couple of days ago.

Now we have something else in common: We're both coaches.

Silas is the new interim coach of the Bobcats after Michael Jordan decided that Larry Brown was no longer the man for the job.

If the Bobcats tune him out, at least Silas knows he can go to Costco and buy a 12-pack of new players.

As for my mighty Lady Bucs of Charlotte Country Day, we're 4-2 with 3 straight wins heading into our winter break. If we have a good second half of the season, I figure Michael will be calling to offer me the Bobcats job.

And in an unrelated story ...

It's somehow fitting that the Bears might have been the team to end Brett Favre's career. After all, over the years he ended the careers of many a Bear - head coaches, defensive coordinators, cornerbacks, safeties, quarterbacks ...
^

Today's High 5

^
5. Donovan McNabb ... benched by Redskins genius Mike Shanahan ... and replaced by Rex Grossman ... with the game on the line. Hell hasn't merely frozen over; it has entered the cryogenics lab, right next to Ted Williams' head.

4. A ripple in the Journalism Force: The Charlotte Observer, now my hometown paper, didn't send its Bobcats beat reporter to Milwaukee for the third game of the season. A short AP story on the game appeared on Page 4 of the sports section. Again: This was only the third game of the season and the newspaper of record for one of the city's only two major professional sports franchises is pinching pennies instead of covering the story. That ticking you hear is the Newspaper Doomsday Clock.

3. Given Mike Fontenot's star power, it's stunning that so few people are watching the World Series.

2. While demonstrating a passing drill during my first practice as an assistant basketball coach, I tripped myself and went sprawling to the floor. The only thing with a bigger bruise than my right hip is my ego. This just in: Chevy Chase aside, it is impossible to look cool while falling.

1. Once upon a time, the Cowboys' biggest concern was that, before a playoff game, the quarterback was distracted by his pop-diva girlfriend. Now, the Cowboys are 1-6, the playoffs are an impossible dream and the QB is hurt. Yes, the Cowboys are a bigger disaster than Jessica Simpson's acting career.
^

Carolina in my mind

^
In a few weeks, I'll be an ex-Chicagoan.

My wife has accepted a job in Charlotte. And since she's my Sugar Mama, I'll be joining her in the land of BBQ, NASCAR and Tyrus Thomas.

We've had 16 fun years in Chicago, where we raised a great family and made too many friends to count. And now, we're very excited to start a new life adventure.

After covering Tuesday's Cubs-Brewers game for AP - read what I wrote HERE - I have six more Cubs games and two more White Sox games left before I go.

Then ... well ... I have absolutely no idea what I'll be doing. It probably won't involve newspaper journalism because of the paucity of jobs in that field. Then again, maybe it will. Who knows? That's one of the cool things about the entire endeavor: Anything can happen, and the slate is beautifully blank.

I do know that I hope to do some work with non-profit organizations I admire - be it professionally, as a volunteer or some combination of both. That's right: As if I haven't messed up my own kids enough, maybe I can shape the lives of some others out there.

As for The Baldest Truth, I think I'll still do some blogging after I land in North Carolina ... but I sure won't be writing much about Cra-Z or Ozzie or The Zooker. There's a whole world out there that has nothing to do with sports, and I plan to both inhabit it and revel in it.

Of course, I'll still be around for most of August, so expect to read about some of my favorite Chicago moments, sports and otherwise, in the coming weeks.

Bullish on Jax, less so on Pax

^

Let's take a look at the Dynastic Bull Scorecard, shall we?

10 - Phil Jackson, already with 10 NBA titles as a coach and 2 as a player, is closing in on the baker's dozen.

9 - Steve Kerr's Suns finally beat those dastardly Spurs and advanced to the Western Conference finals.

8 - B.J. Armstrong became an agent and quickly landed Derrick Rose as a client. Last month, B.J. sold his Highland Park mansion to new Bears savior Julius Peppers. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching!

7 - Scottie Pippen soon will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame.

6 - Bill Cartwright, cast aside by "buddy" John Paxson 7 years ago, is an assistant coach for the high-flying Suns.

5 - Michael Jordan's Bobcats scrapped their way into the playoffs but promptly got swept out.

4 - Luc Longley is a rich, happy, 7-foot surfer dude in Australia, mate.

3 - Bill Wennington is the only coherent member of the ex-Bulls big men announcer troika that also includes Stacey King and Dickey Simpkins.

2 - Dennis Rodman occasionally still finds some dupe to give him money just for being That Wacky Old Worm. When he's not being hauled off to jail for copping a feel at some Vegas bar, that is.

1 - Jerry Krause has been hired as an international scout by the White Sox and, sources say, is closing in on Dominican baseball's Dragan Tarlac.

0 - John Paxson turned the Bulls into laughingstocks, went into hiding and then crawled out from under his rock just long enough to make a martyr out of Vinny Del Negro.

Managing to seem idiotic

^

The Bald Truth

Lou is No. 1! Ozzie is No. 2!  And apparently, if they were managers, then would come Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Satan.

According to a Sports Illustrated survey of 380 ballplayers, Lou Piniella was chosen as the worst guy to play for (26 percent), followed by Ozzie Guillen (21 percent).

"I take that as a compliment," Lou said.

I take it for what it is - silliness. 

Ever since Piniella became the Cubbie skipper, players from every corner of the baseball world - even Japan - have begged to join Lou's Lovable Losers. Maybe it's despite him, maybe it's not, but they sure have wanted to take the Cubs' money to be on Lou's crew.

What is supposed to be so bad about Piniella anyway? He's certainly not the kind of guy who constantly gets on his players. Yeah, he called Milton Bradley "a piece of (poo)" last week. And yeah, he has given up on Stevie Ire and a few other guys. 

Mostly, though, he has been a big-time enabler. He has threatened to make changes but hasn't done so; instead, he has taken to making excuses for his players and his team. 

Fact is, Piniella's biggest fault has been that he's become too little like the Lou who threatened to kick Rob Dibble's butt and too much of a 65-year-old teddy bear.

As for Ozzie, he'd be near the top of my list of manager's I'd most like to play for. I'd know that as long as I show up on time and play hard, he'd have my back. And even if I sucked, he'd say so much goofy stuff that the headlines would be about his outrageousness and not my suckiness.

Oh, and Joe Torre finished fourth in the survey. Not only is he one of the all-time good guys, but he's a four-time champion who hasn't missed the playoffs since Clinton's first term.

Yeah, who'd want to play for a bum like that?

The Balder Truth

Scuttlebutt says Larry Brown had so much fun coaching Allen Iverson in Philly that he's ready for one more go-'round with AI in Charlotte.

Which leads to these two all-important questions:

Practice? You talkin' 'bout practice?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Boy, the rest of the National League sure will be in deep doo-doo as soon as The Great DeRosa actually gets a hit!

Stepping out of MJ's shadow

^

The Bald Truth

Although I've had only a few conversations of any length with Jeff Jordan, I can tell he's a good kid.

Intelligent, humble, likable, respectful, proud to be Michael's son but anxious to make his own way in the world. 

Many are surprised by Jeff's decision to walk away from his backup role at Illinois to concentrate on his studies, but it makes perfect sense. 

He proved he could make it as a jock - going from walk-on to scholarship athlete by playing good defense, working hard in practice and growing into a leadership role - but, as he said in his statement: 

"I have come to the point where I’m ready to focus on life after basketball.”

Playing college sports is a huge time commitment. My daughter played two years of Division III ball and she had little life outside the team. And the commitment is even more all-consuming at the major-college level.

Jeff only was going to play a few minutes a game for the Illini and he wanted to get on with making his mark outside of athletics. So he opted to step out of his dad's long basketball shadow to focus on real life.

It was an admirable, mature decision.

Nice job, kid, and good luck.

The Balder Truth

NBA teams are in love with the potential of Spanish teen Ricky Rubio, who is expected to be either the second or third player drafted Thursday.

Well, he might be the goods. Or he might not be. Nobody really knows.

Give me Stephen Curry. He can handle the ball, he's an excellent passer and he'll be a big-time 3-point shooter.

A stiff breeze could carry Curry into the next county, true, but we know he has a lot of game.

Can anybody really say as much about Ricky Rubio?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

The fine folks of Albuquerque are going ga-ga for Manny Ramirez, and you know he'll receive much the same treatment when he returns to Tinseltown.

Yep, baseball fans sure are outraged by these juicing cheaters!