It's Turkey Time!

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This kind of snuck up on me this year. I was sitting down, thinking about all I have to be thankful for, and -- wham! -- "Uh-oh, I forgot to choose my Turkey of the Year."

So I'm going to dispense with the long introduction and get right down to the countdown, which will lead to the latest in this parade of  lunkheads, losers, scammers, slimeballs, chokers, cheaters, bullies, boors, pouters and pitiable punching bags:

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells & Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002);Sammy Sosa (2003); Sammy Sosa (2004, the only repeat winner); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry & Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley(2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno & Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012).

As always, this is dedicated to the late, great Gene Seymour, my Copley columnist predecessor and good friend.

10. DOLPHINS OFFENSIVE LINE. You know the old saying: The only time you hear the name of an offensive lineman is when he commits a holding penalty. Or when he leaves voicemails for a fellow lineman filled with vulgarity, profanity and racist taunts. What a mess. It's tough to stay, um, Icognito with this stuff going on.

9. TIM TEBOW. By all accounts, he's a great guy and a noble human being. But being a turkey isn't only about being a wretched human being. Sometimes, it's just about being a wretched quarterback. (And yet he still won one more playoff game as Denver's QB than Peyton Manning and Jay Cutler combined!)

8. GATEHOUSE GANGSTERS. Hey investors! Shares of stock in my former employer can be had for 3 cents apiece! Warning: After systematically gutting the editorial staff over five-plus years and emerging from bankruptcy just this week, it's high time for the pencil-necked weasels who run GateHouse Media to give themselves yet another round of raises and bonuses. Capitalism at its finest!

7. TIGER WOODS. He was golfer of the year and deservedly so. How, then, does he end up on this list? Four more majors by the board, four more also-ran finishes, five years without the only titles he considers truly relevant. As for that two-stroke penalty he had to take for his illegal drop in the Masters, well ... gobble, gobble!

6. DENNIS RODMAN. After befriending Kim Jong Un, Wormy McDiplomat's next project is Charles Manson. "Dude's just a little misunderstood, man."

5. ROB FORD. OK, he's not an athlete, but he is the mayor of a great North American sports town, Toronto, so I'm winging it. Hey, I never thought any politician could top the 2012 GOP presidential circus acts for pure comic relief, but this crack-smoking, drunken-stuporizing, foul-mouthed, real-life Chris Farley character takes the cake. And falls face-first in the frosting on a regular basis.

4. MANTI TE'O. The Notre Dame linebacker enthralled the national media with his heartbreaking story about his longtime girlfriend, who supposedly suffered a tragic death. Problem is, his dearly departed squeeze was no more real than Jan Brady's George Glass. Meanwhile, Alabama showed that Notre Dame's title hopes were an illusion, too.

3. RYAN BRAUN. The Brewers slugger had everything -- fame, talent, money and a legion of loyal fans. But that wasn't enough, so he juiced and made things worse by lying about it. Now, nothing he ever does on the ballfield can be taken seriously. 

2. RILEY COOPER. Eagles wide receiver and infamous cracker threatened to "fight every n----- here" at a Kenny Chesney concert. My immediate reaction: Black people go to Kenny Chesney concerts?

AND NOW ... THE BALDEST TRUTH'S 2013 TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

ALEX RODRIGUEZ

Cheater. Liar. Druggie. Professional Victim. And now he's little more than a pathetic, broken-down lowlife. Yes, the 2012 runner-up was an easy choice as this year's top turkey. 

These days, A-Roid is the poorest multimillionaire on the planet. His wife divorced him. Most of his "friends," no doubt, are the people he pays to stay close to him. Even Yankee fans, not a particularly discerning lot, must have to take long, hot showers after rooting for this miscreant. (I'm talking about the few fans who don't come to the ballpark to boo him.)

There was a time when it seemed possible that he could be the greatest ballplayer ever. Now? As the old-timers would say:

He's just another bum.
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Rodman ... bigger in Korea than in U.S.?

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One of this winter's wackiest stories is this week's news that Dennis Rodman is in North Korea to promote "basketball diplomacy."

So I guess this means the Worm isn't planning to head-butt Kim Jong Un or kick him in the groin or grope any of the royal women, right?

Word is, KJU loved the '90s era Chicago Bulls, so he's thrilled about Worm's appearance. I think it's a great idea. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

One thing I know for sure is that Rodman doesn't have too many more years that he can impress people just by being Dennis Freakin' Rodman.

I recently appeared at a 5th-grade career day and brought several props with me, including a 1997 international magazine for which I had written a long freelance article on Worm. Rodman was on the cover all decked out as only he could do it: rainbow-dyed hair, earring, mascara, lipstick, a huge cross on his naked chest, tats aplenty. Back then, he was among the most recognizable human beings on the entire planet.

Fast-forward 16 years. Not a single one of the 100 or so fifth-graders I talked to had a clue who Dennis Rodman was.

They do know Michael Jordan, but mostly as a TV pitchman and the owner of the NBA's worst basketball team. What I'm saying is that it won't be many more years until I no longer am able to impress anybody with old newspaper photos showing me and Jordan together.

I'm 52 now, and that isn't always fun. Still, it's somehow a little comforting to know that even uber-celebs such as Rodman (who is 51) and Jordan (50) have expiration dates, too.
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For Hall of Famer Worm, still time to be truly outrageous

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Dennis Rodman showed up at the Hall of Fame announcement wearing jeans, sneakers, sunglasses, a black baseball cap, a leopard-spot scarf and a white shirt with gold sequined cuffs. The other enshrinees-to-be wore suits, of course.

When he is inducted in August, Worm says, his personal designer will "make a lot of crazy stuff."

I'll say now what I told Rodman during one of our many fun conversations in the '90s: "Dennis, if you really want to be outrageous, show up with no facial jewelry and with your natural hair color (whatever that is). And for God's sake, wear a tux, tails and top hat. For you THAT would be outrageous!"

While I think it's cool that Worm got in the Hall of Fame based on his rebounding and defense -- he was a huge part of the personality of his era, not to mention an important contributor to five championship teams -- I fully understand the argument of those who thought his almost total lack of scoring ability should have kept him out.

What I don't understand is how it took so long for Tex Winter to get in.

One of basketball's great innovators and coaches deserved to be enshrined when he was young and healthy enough to fully appreciate it.
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Bullish on Jax, less so on Pax

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Let's take a look at the Dynastic Bull Scorecard, shall we?

10 - Phil Jackson, already with 10 NBA titles as a coach and 2 as a player, is closing in on the baker's dozen.

9 - Steve Kerr's Suns finally beat those dastardly Spurs and advanced to the Western Conference finals.

8 - B.J. Armstrong became an agent and quickly landed Derrick Rose as a client. Last month, B.J. sold his Highland Park mansion to new Bears savior Julius Peppers. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching!

7 - Scottie Pippen soon will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame.

6 - Bill Cartwright, cast aside by "buddy" John Paxson 7 years ago, is an assistant coach for the high-flying Suns.

5 - Michael Jordan's Bobcats scrapped their way into the playoffs but promptly got swept out.

4 - Luc Longley is a rich, happy, 7-foot surfer dude in Australia, mate.

3 - Bill Wennington is the only coherent member of the ex-Bulls big men announcer troika that also includes Stacey King and Dickey Simpkins.

2 - Dennis Rodman occasionally still finds some dupe to give him money just for being That Wacky Old Worm. When he's not being hauled off to jail for copping a feel at some Vegas bar, that is.

1 - Jerry Krause has been hired as an international scout by the White Sox and, sources say, is closing in on Dominican baseball's Dragan Tarlac.

0 - John Paxson turned the Bulls into laughingstocks, went into hiding and then crawled out from under his rock just long enough to make a martyr out of Vinny Del Negro.

Little Miltie: Everybody picks on me!

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The Bald Truth

Oh, poor, poor me. I can't catch a break. Everybody hates me. The umpires always pick on me. Waaa! Waaa! Waaa!

Jeesh. Even those of us who thought umpire Larry Vanover did screw Milton Bradley with a Strike 3 call on an out-of-the-zone pitch last month are sick of this woe-is-me crapola.

Grow up, Little Miltie!

In a decision announced Thursday by MLB honchos, Bradley's suspension for getting into Vanover's face back on April 16 was reduced from two games to one.

Milton's reaction?

"I never get treated fairly." 

Why? 

"Because I'm Milton Bradley, you know what I'm saying?"

Oh, do we ever. Poor, poor, pitiful me.

Look, those of us who have been around Chicago sports for awhile heard this same sad song in the 1990s. Back then, NBA refs had it in for poor, misunderstood Dennis Rodman.

Well, maybe if The Worm wasn't always cursing out, mocking and head-butting them, the refs wouldn't have been "out to get" him. 

And maybe if Milton Bradley wasn't always tearing the umps a new one, they wouldn't be "out to get" him.

Like ballers and ballplayers, umps and refs are only human. Treat them like dirt and they aren't likely to cover you with roses.

Act like a child and you get detention, Little Miltie. Deal with it.

(For more, here's the Bradley story I wrote for AP.)

The Quote

"I love Jim Hendry. He's the most honest, decent person I've ever met ... probably ... as far as GMs go." - Bradley, after the Cubs GM publicly backed his $30 million hothead.

Wow. Could Bradley possibly have thought of another qualifier to describe his love for Jim Hendry? Maybe Milt could have added "on a Thursday in Chicago"?

Lou-ism of the Day

Asked if this was the best bench he's had since he started managing the Cubs, Piniella said: 

"Oh gosh, they've improved the bench. I'm talking about the cushions."

THE BALDEST TRUTH

After a few minor hiccups, it didn't take long for the Cubs to re-establish themselves as the class of the NL Central.

There are some very nice stories in the division. Some better-than-expected teams, too. The Cardinals, especially, won't give up or concede anything. But the Cubs have spent so much more money on so much more talent than every other club. And most times, talent does win out.

The Cubs haven't come close to having their whole team healthy this season and they've played pretty bad for long stretches. Yet their record is right where it was last year, when they won 97 games and ran away from the field.

It doesn't bode well for the rest of the division.

Of course, the Cubs actually going on to win a playoff game is a whole 'nother story.

Nice try, Bulls

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The Bald Truth

When the Bulls were down 10 with 12.8 seconds to go, I was trying to figure out how they were going to make a 10-point play to send the game into the first of 10 overtimes.

It was that kind of series.

The Balder Truth

Congratulations to my old Marquette friend, Doc "He Was Glenn Back Then" Rivers, for his Celtics managing to survive the Baby Bulls.

Next up: The Orlando Magic. Not exactly a vacation at Disney World.

If Rivers' best player, Paul Pierce, doesn't do significantly better in the next round, the tired Celtics will get swept.

The Letter

From loyal reader and frequent e-mailer Ron Pritchard of Dixon, Ill.:

All of the "experts" that were screaming when the Bulls picked Joakim Noah are pretty quiet now. The kid's playing pretty good basketball. Same thing goes for those who thought the Bulls should have picked Michael Beasley. Derrick Rose didn't turn out too badly, either.

Second point first: Not too many "experts" said the Bulls should take Beasley over Rose. Beasley will be a very good NBA player but it's a point guard's league and most of us knew Rose would be a good one.

As for Noah, I have been one of his detractors and I'll admit he has exceeded my expectations. During long stretches of Game 7, he was the Bulls' best player - which probably wasn't a good thing for the Bulls. 

Still, at best, Noah is a one-dimensional "Worm Lite" - a rebounding specialist and defensive pest. 

I think it's safe to say we all can agree on this: NBA power forwards shouldn't shoot like girls.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Much has been made and will continue to be made of the Bulls' fight and grit and spirit in almost upsetting the defending champions.

Well, while I give them their props for refusing to fold and making this one of the most memorable playoff series in NBA history, let's get one thing clear:

These Celtics bear little resemblance to last year's champions.

Kevin Garnett is out and one of his top backups, Leon Powe, suffered a season-ending injury in Game 1. The absence of Garnett, especially, changed everything. Boston's defense is nowhere near what it was. 

I said it before and I'll say it again: The Bulls were the deeper, more athletic, more talented team. They should have won the series - especially after stealing homecourt advantage.

It will be interesting to see what GM John Paxson does from here. The Ben Gordon decision will be excruciating - and I just don't see how they keep him. From there, questions abound.

If Gordon leaves, who will take the big shots and score the big baskets for this team? (Rose, perhaps, if he continues to develop?) If the Bulls do figure out how to bring Gordon back, how do they find enough money to pay the superstar perimeter player and stud inside presence they still need to be taken seriously as contenders? Is Luol Deng as big a dog as he appeared to be these last two seasons? What can John Salmons and Brad Miller do for the team over a full season? Will Tyrus Thomas, who is due a fairly sizable raise, ever really be a player? What kind of coach is Vinny Del Negro?

Optimistic Bulls fans look at this seven-game loss to the Celtics and see a team ready to break out. But I look at the Bulls' parts and still see a team nowhere near as good as the Cavaliers, Magic and Celtics (with Garnett). They're a superstar or so behind the Heat and Hawks, too.

Although that's progress from earlier this season and last year, let's not forget that it was only 2006-07 when the Bulls won 49 games and were considered a team ready to break out.

Instead, they just broke.

Pax has a lot of work yet to do ... and not a lot of room under the salary cap and luxury tax to do it.

Losing this epic series to the Celtics probably will be as good as it gets for most guys on this team not named Derrick Rose.