Gobble, Gobble! It's Turkey of the Year time again!

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Remember 1998? I sure do. MJ's last championship before the Jerrys broke up the Bulls Dynasty ... the Summer of Steroid Sluggers, featuring Big Mac and Sammy ... Wanny's last stand in Bear Country ... my kids excelling on the basketball court ... my dad passing away after a courageous fight against cancer ... and me starting a new phase of my journalistic career as a sports columnist.

Naturally, a lot has changed since then -- far too much to list here. For one thing, I've been a former columnist for nearly a decade now; for another, my former business has been hurtin' for years. (Those things are related, of course.) 

Anyhoo ... one thing that has endured: the annual Turkey of the Year Countdown.

This is the 20th anniversary of me carving out a list of losers, lunkheads, dopes, druggies, cheaters and chokers -- a process I began back in my first year as Chicago sports columnist for the Copley family of newspapers.

For this edition, it would have been easy to select the abusive Michigan State doctor and his enablers, or the Maryland coach who had a player die on his watch, or the sleazy d-bag who had to sell the Carolina Panthers after getting nabbed in the MeToo movement. And then there's the reality show host masquerading as president, who is such a racist jerk that athletes refuse to visit to the White House after winning championships.

But because I don't want this to be too heavy, I'll go a different direction ...

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Before I begin this year’s Turkey Countdown, let’s review the previous “winners” (and by that, I mean losers):

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells and Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno and the Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012); Alex Rodriguez (2013); Roger Goodell and Ray Rice (2014); Derrick Rose (2015); Pat McCrory (2016); Kyle Shanahan (2017).

Astute readers will note that up until 2010, each of those Turkeys did his gobbling in Chicago and/or the Midwest because that's where I was based. The "award" actually got its start under my Copley predecessor and friend, the late, great Gene Seymour. Since moving to North Carolina, I've expanded my Turkey-choosing horizons. Still, as always, I dedicate this in memory of Gene.

Now let's get to it!

15. LIONEL MESSI. I don't follow soccer, so I'll take the word of my futbol-fanboi friends who say he is one of the greatest players ever. Whatever. This mighty Argentine icon failed to score on a penalty kick as his heavily favored team couldn't even beat Iceland in the World Cup.

14. JON GRUDEN. Only days after the coach-turned-broadcaster-turned-coach traded Khalil Mack to the Bears, he had the gall to say: "Great pass rushers are hard to find." Although Gruden's Raiders have been laughingstocks, you can't say he hasn't quickly built a winner ... in Chicago.

13. PAUL GEORGE. You gotta love a guy who gives himself the nickname "Playoff P" despite pretty much sucking every time his team has played a series-deciding playoff game. This time, George missed 14 of 16 shots and committed 6 turnovers as the OKC Thunder bowed out meekly to Utah in the first round. More like "Playoff P-U!"

12. MARCUS WILLIAMS. The Saints cornerback arguably made the worst defensive play in NFL playoff history when he let Stefon Diggs score on a 61-yard catch and run (mostly run) to give the Vikings a walk-off win over the Saints. Not only did Williams whiff on Diggs, but his flying body also prevented any teammate from making a play. 

11. JAMES HARDEN. Choke much? To paraphrase one of the great sports quotes ever (courtesy of former baseball player Gary Gaetti): "It's hard to shoot the basketball when you have both hands around your throat."

10. SERGIO GARCIA & JORDAN SPIETH. In 2017, Garcia finally got the major title that had eluded him and Spieth was one of the world's great golfers. In 2018, however, they combined to miss the cut in 13 events, including 4 majors. Sergio's defense of his Masters championship ended on the first day, when he infamously dunked five shots in the drink on No. 15 to card a 13. Thirteen!!!

Still, both Garcia and Spieth did perform well in the Ryder Cup, which is more than I can say for ...

9. PHIL MICKELSON. He got benched by U.S. coach Jim Furyk after he failed in Friday foursomes. In Sunday's singles, Phil was routed by Francisco Molinari in the match that clinched the Ryder Cup for Europe. And those results weren't even the worst of it for Mickelson, who during the U.S. Open ran up to his ball while it was still moving on the green and whacked it with his putter for a 2-stroke penalty. I certainly will not be paying $19.99 to watch this washed up hacker "compete" against Tiger Woods on pay-per-view the day after Thanksgiving; heck, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't watch it if Mickelson paid me $19.99.

8. KEN GILES. The Astros reliever blew a save ... and showed his frustration by punching himself in the face. 

The closer for Houston's 2017 championship team, Giles was so bad this year that he was demoted to the minors. Then he was traded to Toronto, and he continued being horrible north of the border, too. I guess Canada shoulda built that wall!

7. JALEN RAMSEY. In a off-season interview with GQ, the Jaguars' cornerback ripped QBs such as Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco and Jared Goff. Of Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers, all he would say was they they didn't suck. Fast-forward to this season; Jalen's Jags are 0-6 since a 1-3 start. And just last Sunday, Roethlisberger led the Steelers back from a late 10-point deficit to beat Jacksonville. Maybe now Ramsey will elevate Big Ben, a two-time Super Bowl winning QB, all the way up to "doesn't suck," too.

6. LeVEON BELL. The Steelers running back thought he had all the leverage, so he held out and held out and held out ... until finally deciding to skip the entire season. As it turned out, he didn't have any leverage because his replacement, James Conner, is running as well as Bell ever did for a Pittsburgh team with legitimate Super Bowl aspirations. Bell also gave up $14.5 million ... making me wonder how he hopes to feed Latrell Sprewell's family!

5. VIRGINIA HOOPSTERS. It was bad enough that Virginia found a way to lose to the University of Maryland, Baltimore County -- becoming the first No. 1 seed ever to drop an NCAA basketball tournament game to a No. 16 seed. 

Even worse, the Cavaliers were out-shot, out-rebounded, out-defended, out-coached and out-played from the opening tip to the final horn in losing to UMBC by 20 points. If you didn't know which team was seeded first overall and which was the very lowest seed, you'd have sworn that the mighty Retrievers were the better team. 

4. TY MONTGOMERY. When his Packers played the Rams on Oct. 28, Green Bay return man Montgomery was told to take a knee if he caught the kickoff in the end zone with 2 minutes left and the Packers trailing by 2 points. Instead, he tried to make a "hero" play, fumbled, and Aaron Rodgers was deprived of the opportunity to lead a winning drive. 

Montgomery was said to be upset that he was taken out of the game the previous series, but he denied his mood had anything to do with his insubordination. No matter ... the Packers lost a game they could have won, and they sent Montgomery packing 2 days later.

3. RICK PITINO. It's not all that surprising that the former Louisville coach cheated; he's always seemed like a guy who has lived on the fringe of the rule book. What is surprising is that of all the stink attached to the college game, Pitino is the only one who ended up being flushed down the toilet. He now says he wants to coach again in the NBA, where he already has failed twice.

2. LARRY FEDORA. The North Carolina football coach might merit a spot on this list even if all he did was lead the Tar Heels to a 2-8 record. But he's the runner-up gobbler because of his all-around turkeyness all year long. First, 13 UNC players under his watch were suspended for breaking NCAA rules. Then Fedora said he didn't believe the act of playing football has led young men to suffer degenerative brain disease CTE, despite it being a scientifically proven fact. He doubled-down on his idiocy by saying those who agree with science were "attacking" football -- and America itself. If the sport is weakened, he breathlessly claimed, "our country goes down, too." How does a dim bulb like Fedora keep his job at a prestigious university?

And now ... the 2018 Turkey of the Year ...

J.R. SMITH

The soon-to-be former Cleveland Cavaliers guard pulled off the most boneheaded play of 2018 ... and then compounded his boneheadedness by lying about the circumstances surrounding it.

In Game 1 of the NBA Finals -- which was tied with 4.7 seconds left in regulation thanks to the heroics of LeBron James -- Smith rebounded teammate George Hill's missed free throw. 

Rather than go right back up for what might have been the winning basket against the heavily favored Warriors, Smith inexplicably took off and dribbled rapidly toward midcourt. James frantically called for the ball, then pointed for Smith to pass to Hill in the corner and finally tried to call time out ... but alas, by then the buzzer had sounded.

In interviews after the game, Smith claimed that he knew the score was tied, but television cameras clearly showed him telling LeBron: "I thought we were ahead." (See the 18-second mark of this video.)

Naturally, the Warriors blitzed the downtrodden Cavs in overtime and then crushed them in the next three games to take their third title in four years.

LeBron, who otherwise was amazing all postseason in willing a mediocre team to the NBA Finals, didn't cover himself in glory here, either. He could have been a leader, consoled Smith and vowed to carry the Cavs to victory in OT. Instead, he sat dejectedly on the bench, didn't join the team huddle and ignored his coach's instructions.

Still, this was classic J.R. Smith, whose career has been filled with silliness. He had a miserable 2018 playoffs overall, and he has been horrible so far this season, too. At 33, he is in the twilight of his crazy career.

Smith recently asked for a trade, and it appears he'll get his wish after ripping Cavs management for tanking the season: "I don't think the goal is to win." He actually is probably right about that, but it doesn't make his boneheaded play in Game 1 of the Finals any less boneheaded.

Nor does it make him any less fitting as the choice for Turkey of the Year.
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THE JOY OF SIX: The Masters, the presidential race and the return of the Sons of Pitches

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6. How 'bout that Jordan Spieth, huh? Every time Phil Mickelson or Justin Rose or anybody else drew within a few strokes of him at the Masters, the 21-year-old Texan would birdie the next couple of holes and re-open a commanding lead. He ended up breaking a bunch of records and tying Tiger Woods' mark for best Masters score ever. Pretty impressive.

I know that I'm looking forward to many years of him dueling with Rory McIlroy, the reigning king who is only 25 himself. Then again, I remember Tiger and Sergio Garcia going toe-to-toe as youngsters in the 1999 PGA Championship at Medinah and thinking, "Wow, it's gonna be fun watching these guys go at each other for the next decade or two."

How has that worked out?

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5. At one point, CBS showed a list of the last 10 Masters champions -- reminding me that the one and only Masters I ever covered (or ever will cover) was won by the "least good" (to borrow a phrase from former Bears coach Dick Jauron) champion in decades. Maybe ever.

Despite shooting a 75 in the final round, Trevor Immelman beat a field that never really showed up. Woods tried to rally but got no closer than 3 strokes. Immelman hasn't won since and, since 2012, he has missed the cut more than he has made it. In 10 starts so far this year, he has made the cut twice.

Trevor Freakin' Immelman won "my" Masters. But hey, at least the weather was perfect and I got to see a golf course that actually exceeded my very lofty expectations.

^^^

4. It seems almost impossible that the race for the GOP presidential nomination could top 2012 for sheer craziness, but the candidates are off to a running start.

Ted Cruz is an absolute loony, which is fitting because he was born in Canada (unlike our current Kenya-born president). Rand Paul is supposed to be a Libertarian but he already is sucking up to the far right. Chris Christie just came out with Social Security reform that looks suspiciously like a liberal re-distribution plan. Marco Rubio is backtracking from his compassionate immigration policy because to the party base, there is no room for compassion in an immigration policy.

I already miss Herman "9-9-9" Cain, Rick "Oops" Perry, Mitt "47 Percent" Romney and Newt "I Guarantee $2.50 Gas" Gingrich.

And isn't there anything anybody can do to get Michele Bachmann to run again? She just predicted that Barack Obama's Iran policy would result in the End Times and usher in Jesus' return to earth, saying: "I believe the Bible is true. And believe what the Bible says is  that our nation and the people of our nation will reap a whirlwind, and we could see economic disasters, natural disasters."

I don't remember any mention of the U.S. of A. in either testament, but I admit I'm no biblical scholar.

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3. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton finally stopped delaying the inevitable and announced online that she would be running for the Democratic nomination.

She's a piece of work, too. She actually might be a bigger liar storyteller than her hubby.

It's gonna be a fun 17 months until November 2016.

^^^

2. The Cubs paid $155 million to a left-hander who gets the yips every time he thinks about throwing to first to hold the runner. In Jon Lester's last start, he threw one so far over the first baseman's head it almost landed in the stands. It's the damnedest thing. So Cubbie.

Fortunately for the Cubs, the right fielder chased down the baseball and gunned the runner out at third base.

Obviously, it was a set play orchestrated by Joe Maddon, the latest Savior Skipper who for sure will take the Cubbies to the pennant.

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1. My over-50 softball league's season has begun and I'm thrilled to be back with the Sons of Pitches. Our manager/pitcher, Pat, traded for me because he knows I'm the ultimate softball stud. Either that or he just wanted to be sure he had somebody to drink with after games. (OK, I guarantee it's not the "stud" thing.)

Pat and I entered the league as teammates in 2012 and played one season with the Blue Thunder. He decided to become a manager the following year and traded for me. The Sons of Pitches capped a very nice two-year run by winning the '14 fall championship, but then in accordance with league rules, we (and all other teams) were broken up for the league-wide re-draft.

For the SoP's latest incarnation, Pat did a nice job of getting 5 of us back together, as Pat and I are joined by Bob, Spike (the other Mike) and Wayne. Our 8 teammates seem like great guys and fine players. Definitely a fun group. I'd list 'em all here by name but I'm still getting to know them.

Our season started Tuesday and we promptly gave up the maximum 5 runs in the top of the first inning. It was a delightful combination of booted grounders, errant throws, walks and other assorted miscues. We only managed one run ourselves and gave up a couple more runs over the next 3 innings to fall behind 7-1 going into the bottom of the 4th.

Pat, who fancies himself as quite the motivator, yelled, "Do you guys wanna win or what?" Duly inspired, we scratched out 3 runs to make it a 7-4 game. We held our opponent scoreless in the fifth and I led off the bottom of the inning.

While coaching third base earlier in the game, I had a brief conversation with the opposing third baseman. He had a great glove and a gun for an arm, but he told me he was having knee problems and wouldn't be able to move very well. I joked that I was going to lay down a bunt.

Now, bunting isn't allowed in slow-pitch softball ... but swinging bunts are another story. I took a mighty cut and the ball traveled all of about 15 feet down the third-base line. Using my cheetah-like speed -- I mean, there's nothing faster than a bald, slightly chunky, 50-something Jewboy -- I beat out the infield hit.

"Real" hits -- the kind that actually leave the infield -- followed, one after the other, and by the time the 5th inning was over, we had an 8-7 lead. The umpire's timer went off during the inning, meaning the 6th would be the last. Pat retired the first two batters before giving up a hit, but he stranded the tying run by inducing a come-backer. After he threw to first, it was time to head to the bar.

There's nothing wrong with winning ugly, because there's no such thing as losing pretty.

The Sons of Pitches are back, baby!
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Today's High Five: U.S. Open and other endings

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5. Martin Kaymer reminds me a lot of myself.

No, I'm not talking about his wire-to-wire victory in the U.S. Open, his incredible putting, his bunker play, his 310-yard drives, his good looks, his physique or his overflowing bank account.

I'm talking about his apparent disdain for using wedges around the greens. Like me (and many other high-handicappers), the man putts everything he possibly can.

On one hole, Kaymer could have tried a tricky chip from a tight lie over a bunker into a pin near the edge of the green. Instead, he actually putted backward through the fringe, leaving himself with a long par putt from off the green. He two-putted from there for a bogey, and seemed quite happy to get it.

With a huge lead over the field, he knew that the only way he could lose the tournament was by experiencing a few horrific holes. He knew that the best way to avoid that was to stick with the club he trusted most. I loved it because I do the exact same thing. (And not only when I am leading the U.S. Open.)

What I didn't love was Kaymer lapping the field. I dig fantastic finishes, and watching dramatic U.S. Open battles has become a Father's Day ritual. So Tiger being hurt, Phil stinking up Pinehurst, Rory failing to find any magic, Bubba missing the cut and everybody else being unwilling or unable to challenge Kaymer turned the tournament into the Who S. Open and ruined my Father's Day.

Ruined it, I say!

Actually, that's not close to being true. I had a lovely, relaxing day. Roberta, Simmie and I took a long walk and visited with some goats and a donkey at a nearby hobby farm. I saved nearly $40 on a $12 grocery store bill - I am not making this up! - and even received a $10 instant rebate for buying a $5 pie. That's right: They paid me 5 bucks for taking a key lime pie off their hands! Later, I thoroughly enjoyed the Copper River salmon I grilled on a cedar plank for dinner. (And pie for dessert!) Of course, I also took several moments to fondly recall my many happy times with my father, truly a great man.

Kaymer even saved an otherwise anticlimactic U.S. Open for me by putting from off the green - well off the green - on at least a dozen occasions.

The next time I'm playing with my buddies and they scoff at me for putting from 15 feet off the green, I'll just smile and say, "It worked for the Who S. Open champion!"

4. And speaking of anticlimactic, it sure would have been nice if the Heat had bothered showing up for the last three games of the NBA Finals.

You know what? Instead of totally ragging on the losing team, let's give a big thumbs-up to the winners.

The Spurs were the NBA's best all season and they underscored their dominance in the Finals. They are talented and savvy and well-coached and deeper than the Grand Canyon. They wore out LeBron & Co., outplayed them, outclassed them and outscored them by 20 points per game after the series was tied 1-1.

There was a lot of talk about players' legacies going into this series, specifically revolving around LeBron James and Tim Duncan.

Despite all the haters' blah-blah-blahing, LeBron's legacy is fine. He has won two titles, has carried two organizations to a total of five Finals appearances and already is one of the top 10 basketball players ever.

Duncan? You know, he's pretty good, too!

3. The U.S. Open and NBA Finals weren't the only things to end Sunday. I already miss Game of Thrones.

It might be time to put my HBO subscription on hiatus for a little while.

2. And while we're on the subject of endings, this weekend marked the end of my Little League umpiring season. 

Here in Charlotte, it is too hot and humid to make the kiddies play all summer, so they have spring and fall seasons.

I had a lot of fun in my first full season behind the plate and in the field. And hey, I only ejected one coach all year - and I let him hang around for at least three innings of whining longer than I should have.

My highlight: During a brief time-out while one of his teammates was tying a shoe, a 10-year-old catcher turned around and asked me: "Do you umpire MLB, too?"

I was so stunned, I didn't even have a clever retort. I probably even blushed. Umps don't get compliments very often, especially one quite like that!

1. The weekend's first ending, the L.A. Kings' clutch performance against the Rangers in the Stanley Cup Final, served as a happy reminder of something that happened to me 20 years earlier.

That memory actually started 21 years ago, when Wayne Gretzky and the Kings lost in the 1993 Final to the Canadiens. I was the lead hockey writer for AP back then, and my coverage earned the Will Grimsley Award for best body of work.

Flash forward to '94. This time, the Rangers were in the Final, and prevailed over the Canucks in a thrilling seven-game series to break their 54-year championship drought.

About two weeks after covering that series, Roberta and I were flown to a resort in southern California, where I received my '93 award at the Associated Press Sports Editors conference. Because I happened to be the first AP writer called to the podium, I had the stage to myself for about a minute while my peers applauded.

Twenty years later, I still consider that minute to be the pinnacle of my AP career ... and one of the great things to happen to me in what I acknowledge has been a very lucky life.
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U.S. Open in 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... Fore!

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1. I'm not sure which I liked better: Tiger's three duffed chips, Phil's bladed wedge or Steve Stricker's shanked iron.

I'll say they all were equal fun and give a big thumbs-up to the two big winners at the U.S. Open:

Justin Rose and Merion Golf Club.

2. As a teen amateur sensation, Rose finished fourth in the 1998 British Open -- right around the time a young Tiger Woods was taking the golf world by storm. Bursting with confidence, Rose immediately turned pro ... and then proceeded to turn into a golfing mediocrity. He eventually became a solid European pro and challenged in a few majors, but it wasn't until he made a bunch of ridiculous putts in last fall's Ryder Cup -- earning opponent Phil Mickelson's applause and carrying the Europeans to a sensational comeback victory -- that casual golf fans were reminded how good he could be.

On Sunday, he again bested Mickelson to drop off the list of best golfers never to win a major. (Stricker, alas, remains high on said list.)

To say Mickelson choked late and blew yet another chance at an Open title wouldn't be very fair. Merion was an absolute demon that didn't give anybody anything. Sure, the bogey at 13 -- by far the easiest hole -- was a killer, but Phil battled the course better than most.

I mean, even Rose finished over par for the event.

3. In the last five years, Tiger has won exactly as many majors as Elin Nordegren has.

4. I loved that an old-school, less-than-7,000-yard course could tame the best golfers in the world thanks to tight fairways, brutal rough and amazingly difficult-to-read greens. Even on Sunday, the pros were missing 8-foot putts by 18 inches. That simply doesn't happen on the PGA Tour.

Yes, I enjoy watching sensational shots, and there were plenty. But I also enjoy it when Sergio gets a 10 and saying, "Hell, I could have done that!" When Tiger chunked back-to-back chips, I laughed out loud.

Been there, done that.

And to think: Before the tournament, the usually astute Johnny Miller looked at the rain-soaked greens and predicted that Merion would be putty in the pros' hands.

Ain't it great when the experts are wrong?
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Today's High 5: Masters Edition

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5. Bubba Watson never has had a golf lesson and never has seen video of his swing.

I have had lessons, many of which emphasized that I needed to unlearn what I had learned in previous lessons. I have been traumatized by video of my swing. I haven't won the Masters.

If only I had heard about Bubba's plan for golf stardom 30 years ago!

4. As much as I enjoy the NCAA basketball tournament and the World Series, I would rather watch the final 9 holes of a hotly contested major golf championship than any other sports programming.

3. Peter Hanson absolutely shanked his tee shot on No. 12. Phil Mickelson hit consecutive irons totaling about 10 feet on the way to a triple-bogey.

And those were the leaders heading into the final round!

Golf humbles even the best of us.

2. Louis Oosthuizen used a 253-yard 4-iron to card a double-eagle.

Yeah, like I haven't done that 100 times.

1. Far too many media mopes experienced far too many Tigasms after The Hyped One won Arnie Palmer's tournament a couple weeks before going to Augusta.

Tiger is the Masters favorite! Tiger has found his swing and his mojo! Tiger is ready to reclaim his rightful throne!

TIGER'S BACK!!!!!!

And then the Masters began ... and Tiger was back to being the Tiger of the previous 2 1/2 years -- the one scarred by the 9-iron the ex-Mrs. Tiger went at him with.

Simply stated, Tiger isn't back until he wins a major.

He repeatedly has said he should be measured only by how he does in the sport's showcase events.

Why should the rest of us hold him to a lower standard?

Tiger is not back. And, frankly, he isn't even close.

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Mastered again

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I dislike self-important people, overhyped events and attempts to paint athletes as heroes just for doing their jobs.

Why, then, do I like the Masters so much?

Is there a more self-important event in all of sport?

Is there any event (not rhyming with Schnooper Schnowl) that gets more overly hyped?

Is there any limit to the number of times announcers will call Masters participants "courageous," as if Tiger and Phil actually are risking life and limb for some noble cause?

No.

No.

And God no.

And yet the Masters is such compelling theater that I will have spent a high percentage of my weekend bolted into my La-Z-Boy, unable to avert my gaze at the TV set.

I like to think it's more about the drama than about the azaleas, Bobby Jones stories and hyperbole, but maybe it isn't.
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Heimlich, anyone?

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You know it's a crazy sports Sunday when the Cubs don't choke but Tiger, Phil and Ernie do!

A double celebration on U.S. Open Sunday

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Tiger, Phil and Ernie are in the hunt ... and I'll be watching from my recliner, enjoying guacamole, chips and iced tea all day long.

For all the dads out there, here's hoping your Father's Day will be as great as mine.

Cabrera masters the art of hackery better than you and I do

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The Bald Truth

One of the many reasons I love golf: Although I'm a complete hack - or, as some of my golf buddies might argue, an incomplete hack - I could beat even the world's best golfer on any given hole.

Take Angel Cabrera. On one hole, he shanked a shot sideways. On another, he skulled a simple pitch across the green. On the first playoff hole, he hit his drive into the woods and then slammed his next shot off a tree.

And he's the guy who won the Masters, beating Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and the rest of a star-studded field.

Cabrera did hit a bunch of 300-yard-plus bombs, make some amazing recoveries to get himself out of serious jams and sink some incredible pressure putts. I might have a round in which I did one of those things one time - as I said, I'm a hack - so I never could beat Cabrera or any pro over even a short stretch.

But one hole? Sure. For example, I might have been able to avoid dunking my ball in the drink, as Mickelson did on No. 12, and thus might have beaten Phil's double bogey.

Could I ever hit Tim Lincecum's best fastball (or even his worst)? Could I ever score a basket against LeBron James if he didn't want me to? Would I have any chance to put the puck past Martin Brodeur? Would I ever be able to run away from Ray Lewis to score a touchdown?

Of course not.

And yet, even if Tiger Woods was trying to do his very, very best on a hole, I could beat him - and it wouldn't necessarily be miraculous, either. 

OK, it would be at least a little miraculous ... but you get my drift.

For all the talk of golf being the ultimate rich man's game, it really is a common man's game.

Once you get past green's fees, equipment costs and the price of Pro-V1s, that is.

The Balder Truth

Kenny Perry has a reputation of being a great guy, and he seems nice every time he's interviewed. 

It sure was easy to root for the 48-year-old to become the oldest man ever to win a major ... and it sure was easy to feel sorry for him as he choked down the stretch.

And no, it probably wasn't any consolation to him that Tiger and Phil also gagged.

Nerves can get the best of anybody - yes, even Tiger - which is one more thing these guys have in common with hacks like us.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Thank goodness, the Obamas got their dog. Now we can pay attention to Jay Cutler, American Idol, CC Sabathia, the new Star Trek movie, the Cubs, anything involving Lindsay and Britney, Shaq's Twitters and various other overhyped stuff.

I must admit, though, that I am a little disappointed with the choice of pup's name.

Bo? Really?

"Deficit" would have been both original and fitting.