Jack Bauer's sports to-do list

^

If we're to believe where 24 was steering us at the end of another hellish "day," Jack Bauer will be back after doctors use his daughter's stem cells to rid his body of toxic pathogens.

Anyway, now that he's saved the world again, here are ...

Five things we can expect from Jack during his next day at the office:

5. Short-circuit all television satellite feeds into the White House, thereby protecting President Obama from exposure to lethal doses of the White Sox.

4.  Force Terrell Owens to listen to Paul Warfield, John Stallworth, Raymond Berry and other classy receivers who rarely dropped the football, never blamed their QBs and actually won something during their careers. And by "force," all 24 fans know what that means.

3. Administer truth serum to Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and so on and so on and so on. And don't worry about this being too difficult. If approached with syringes, these fine gentlemen aren't likely to resist.

2.  Make Brett Favre make up his mind. Do whatever it takes and use every means at your disposal. One way or another, the madness must end.

1. Stop terrorist attacks? Yawn! Really impress us and stop the BCS.

Soft Harden, a Dutch treat and T.O.'s new folly

^

The Bald Truth

This can't be a good thing for the Cubs:

Just about every time a team official discusses the long-term health prospects of ultra-fragile fastballer Rich Harden, the phrase "knock on wood" gets used.

I'm not making that up. Really.

The Balder Truth

Wow, what a day at the World Baseball Classic. I'm so proud to be Dutch!

What's that you say? My name doesn't seem very Netherlandy?

OK, you got me there. It's not as if Mike Nadel has the same kind of classic Dutch sound to it as Sidney Ponson does.

Anyway, we Netherlanders would have been in trouble had Alex Rodriguez and Aramis Ramirez been in the Dominican Republic lineup. 

A-Roid and A-Ram absolutely would come through in the clutch - just as they always have in postseason play for the Yankees and Cubs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Young QB ... inexperienced offensive coordinator ... Dick Jauron, a coach who speaks softly and carries no stick at all.

Oh yes, absolutely, Buffalo sounds like the perfect place for a receiver who habitually blames everybody but himself when things go wrong.

And things will go wrong for T.O. and the Bills next season.

Should be fun ... for all of us who aren't in Buffalo.

Hey, Bears: T.O., baby!

^

The List

Ten reasons the Bears should sign Terrell Owens:

1. Why should Brian Urlacher have to carry the burden of being the team's only overhyped, overpaid, over-the-hill guy?

2. T.O. would show Devin Hester how to drop passes like a true pro.

3. Without Tank Johnson, Cedric Benson and Rex Grossman, Bear Country has gotten too damn boring.

4. All those who hate Ron Turner's offense would be able to live vicariously through T.O., who no doubt would articulate his feelings about 15 minutes into the season opener.

5. Ever since Moose Muhammad left, the Bears haven't had anybody to take cheap shots at Kyle Orton. Anybody other than Jerry Angelo, anyway.

6. In the words of Drew Rosenhaus: "Next question!"

7. T.O. is politically correct. He'll disrespect a black coach and a white QB just as completely as he disrespected a white coach and a black QB.

8. Did I say they should sign T.O.? What was I thinking? He'd have no chance to crack a receiving corps that includes Brandon Rideau and Rashied Davis.

9. We know the Bears are "close" to winning the Super Bowl because Coach Lovie says so, and T.O. obviously would be the final piece of the championship puzzle.

10. He already is working on his first end-zone celebration as a Bear: spiking the football over the crossbar while doing a spot-on imitation of Da Coach going postal on Jim Harbaugh.

The Bald Truth

Now that a stand-up, clean-living citizen like Darryl Strawberry has said he, too, would have used steroids, it certainly takes all the juicers off the hook.

The Question

Does A-Roid really have a torn labrum in his hip, or is he just trying to scam some doctor into writing him a prescription for Primobolan?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

If you don't watch Friday Night Lights yet, please start doing so: Friday on NBC at 8 p.m. Central.

This show about teen angst, big-time Texas prep football and adults' uncanny ability to mess up youth sports is too good to be scrapped due to lack of viewership.

Step up, people!