Colbert on college football "slaves" ... also, kudos to consumers for bringing delicious salsa back to Costco

^
Funny bit by Stephen Colbert the other night:

I'm a huge fan of college football. It's got all the grace and athleticism of pro football, but the players don't make any money. They're in it for the love of not getting paid.

I have no interest in jaded "professionals" who do things "for money." Same reason I just don't enjoy watching people pick cotton anymore.

The studio audience groaned a little at the picking cotton reference. OK, college athletes aren't really slaves. Still, there's a lot of "truthiness" to the comparison.

I'd love to see college athletes in the revenue sports go on strike for a month. There would be some swift changes, including a stipend that would let these laborers at least buy a pizza, a beer (if they're 21, of course) and a tank of gas without having to worry about breaking NCAA rules.

+++

Crazy weather here in Charlotte. On Monday, I walked the dog in shorts and a t-shirt. (Note to readers: I was the one in the clothing, not Simmie.) When I took her out today, I wore a winter coat, scarf, gloves and hat. (Note to readers: I also had other clothing on in addition to those items.)

You know what they say about Charlotte weather: If you don't like it, wait a minute and it will change.

And they only say that about weather in Charlotte, so I don't want to hear from folks in New England or Florida or Chicago or anywhere else claiming they say the same thing about other places.

Because they don't. And if you want them to, you'll have to go get your own "they."

+++

Who says the "little guy" can't make a big difference?

Costco used to carry a product called Santa Barbara Mango with Peach Salsa. Once or twice a week, I'd make a lunch out of the salsa and Stacy's pita chips, washing it all down with a refreshing iced tea (unsweetened, with lemon). Filling, tasty and even borderline good for me! Robbie and I also loved the salsa, along with guacamole, on our spicy black-bean burgers. Mmmmmmm.

Several months ago, the salsa started being produced by Sabra, the dip and hummus company. They touted it on the label, as if that would make it a big draw to the masses. We were out so I bought some ... and we hated it. Hated it! It was runny. The mango and peach flavors were muted, seemingly replaced by unfavorable spices. We ate as much as we could stand before throwing out a half-full container. (Should have taken it back to Costco, which has the best return policy in the business. Don't know why I didn't.)

I complained. Lots of others must have, too.

I was at Costco yesterday and noticed that the label no longer touted the Sabra connection. Instead, in capital letters, it screamed: ORIGINAL RECIPE. The same words were on the lid. The only reference to Sabra was in tiny letters under the nutrition label. I was thrilled -- and extra thrilled because Costco was discounting the item to reintroduce it to shoppers: 48 ounces for $3.99 ... are you kidding me? I put two in the cart before realizing we might not be able to eat that much mango salsa before the expiration date, so I put one back.

Well, I just had a few chips and salsa a few minutes ago and -- WOW! -- it is the ORIGINAL RECIPE and it is delicious.

I know what I'm having for lunch. And I'll be eating it with pride because of my little role in making it so!
^

Bowl protest almost over ... and fans actually won!

^
Saturday is an exciting day. It's the start of another college football bowl season ... and, kids, you know what that means for me!

It means one more year of not watching one second of any of them.

Not the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl.

Not the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl.

Not the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl.

Not the Fight Hunger Bowl.

Not the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl.

Not the Taxslayer.com Bowl.

Not the BBVA Compass Bowl.

And definitely not the Make-Believe Championship Game.

When I started my protest -- vowing not to watch one second of one bowl game until there was a legitimate playoff system -- I was still a columnist for the Copley Newspaper chain, which hadn't been bought yet by the evildoers from GateHouse Media. When I started this, the White Sox ruled baseball, Dubya was pretending to search for WMDs and -- gasp! -- most 9-year-olds still didn't have cellphones.

That's a long time to go without watching two .500 teams do battle in the Poinsettia Bowl. How did I survive?

Well, here's the good news (or bad news, depending upon one's point of view): This is the final year of my protest.

After more than a decade insisting that a playoff system absolutely, positively was unnecessary, the powers-that-be saw the light -- and the dollar signs -- and realized that, well, yes it was. So the 2014 college football season will be followed by a four-team playoff, eventually crowning an actual champion rather than a computer-generated championish team.

While the change probably won't compel me to tune in most bowl games, I might at least stop surfing channels long enough to check out a play or three. And if the playoff matchups are compelling enough, I might even watch the final quarter of games that count.

To be sure, the playoff should include eight or 16 teams, not four. But at least this is a start. Baby steps, people.

I'm not egotistical enough to think my protest led to one iota of change. Even if the few readers who said they would join me followed through on their pledge, at the height of the protest maybe a dozen of us were totally ignoring the bowl season. Still, I like to think we represented the vast majority of American sports fans who had been clamoring for a playoff system only to be told to shut up and eat our Beef 'O' Brady's.

Congratulations, fans, you dragged the college football ruling elite kicking and screaming into a new era.  

The playoffs are more than a year away, however. So, until then, enjoy watching Middle Tennessee and Navy battle for none of the marbles in this year's thrilling Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl.

As usual, I'll be in the middle of enjoying anything else. Please don't let me know how it turns out.
^

It's only a 40-yard dash to Orange Julius

^

National Signing Day ... ugh.

If I wanted to watch a bunch of teenage boys trying on college team caps, I'd hang out at Lids in the mall.

^

Oh no ... I'm feeling a horrible draft coming on

^
We're on the clock, all of us sports fans.

The worst day in sports -- which now has morphed into the worst three days in sports -- is almost upon us.

The only way to survive is to program your cable box to skip all of the ESPN networks so you won't even accidentally watch one second of the NFL draft.

This year, The Mel Kiper & Co. Show promises to be more insufferable than ever, as there might not even be a 2011 NFL season for these young men.

Though I don't really believe the season will be lost because there's simply too much money for both greedy sides to sacrifice, one never knows. So the draft might be the only football left this year.

That's right: It could be Mel or nothing.

If so, isn't nothing the only real sensible choice?

Even Sarah Palin hates the BCS (mostly, of course, because she can't spell it)

^
So now the major conferences are using BCS standings to determine their regular-season champions? Can college football get any more ridiculous?

I'd rather listen to a Sarah Palin lecture on the superiority of abstinence-based sex education than support the sham that sport perpetrates each December and January.

That's why, for the fifth straight year, I won't watch one second of any of the 549 bowl games.

This year, in fact, I'll celebrate my anniversary by not watching the Chick-fil-A Bowl twice!

Ah, don't you just love the fun benefits of a DVR?
^

Why can't Johnny count?

^

12 teams in the Big Ten ... and ten teams in the Big 12. Beautiful.

And that's barely the tip of the dyslexic fun as schools and conferences dash for television cash.

Yep, the BCS era just keeps making college football better and better.

How many ND fans will be pulling for USC to beat Weis?

^

The Bald Truth

Just as some so-called patriotic Republicans are rooting against the president of the United States, will there be self-professed diehard Notre Dame fans rooting against Charlie Weis this Saturday?

As wrong as that seems, Weis has become so despised by a fairly large faction of Fighting Irish faithful that it's possible some Golden Domers would rather see him lose - and lose big - to USC than gain glory by winning.

Notre Dame has won a lot of close games against a lot of not-so-great teams this season, but those count, too. Jimmy Clausen's production down the stretch in those games has helped him climb in stature among the nation's QBs.

Now here comes USC - a team that last lost to Notre Dame two coaches ago and a squad that whipped the Irish by approximately 8 gazillion points the last couple of seasons - for just the kind of home game a coach must win if he wants to be taken seriously.

And if Weis does happen to beat USC, I can't wait to see what he'll do about Afghanistan.

The Balder Truth

And speaking of coaches you can't take seriously ...

Another fine job by Ron Zook. The man's team is all ILL, no ini.

Call me crazy, but when you're six games into your program's fifth season, you should have a pretty good idea who your quarterback is, no?

Hey, let's go easy on the Zooker. He just wants everybody in Illiniland to get excited about hoops season early.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

With convicted dog-abuser Michael Vick coming to town, a Bay Area animal-rights group plans to protest Sunday's Raiders-Eagles game.

These folks believe that if smacking around humans was good enough for Raiders coach Tom Cable, it should have been good enough for Vick, too.

Notre Dame rises, Washington surprises, Glenn Beck surmises

^
The Bald Truth

With its big win over Michigan State, Notre Dame proved it just might be every bit as good as Central Michigan.

Backhanded Compliment of the Year Nominee

"Washington wasn’t the better team. They just outplayed us. Clearly, we have superior athletes. But hard work beats athleticism any day." - USC's Joe McKnight after his Trojans were stunned by the Huskies.

Yes, and Washington's players have great personalities, too.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

ABC's Terry Moran let slip an off-the-record comment made by Barack Obama, who supposedly called Kanye West a "jackass" for the jackass singer's jackassian outburst when Taylor Swift was being presented an award that Beyonce didn't win.

Whaddayaknow ... Glenn Beck was right!

With such obvious, deep-seated hatred for black people, the president really is a racist.

As Marv would say: Yesssss!

^
Five Stumpers

(Hint: The answer is the opposite of no.)

5. With the Miami Hurricanes once again bad (the good bad, as opposed to the bad bad of recent years), is it time to hide the women and children?

4. When even Jody Gerut becomes a Cubbie-killer, isn't it really time to pull the plug on Lou's Losers?

3. Isn't Michael Crabtree the only one fooled by Crabtree's bluff that he'll re-enter the draft?

2. If the NBA and its refs don't avoid a contract dispute, won't Sir Charles have to find some other old coot to race?

1. Is Jerry Jones' ego the only thing on the planet larger than the Cowboys' new digs?

Losers du jour

^

Today's post - about Charlie Weis, Jay Cutler, the Cubbies and other losers du jour - can be seen exclusively at SportsFanLive.com. Check it out HERE.

Who's not No. 1?

^
Today's post is at SportsFanLive, so check it out.

Bad Eleven strikes again

^

I went into this college football season determined not to ridicule the Big Ten by calling it the Bad Eleven, as I've had to do in recent years.

Then the Bad Eleven had to ruin everything by playing games. Sorry.

Illinois got crushed by Missouri, and you know what that means: Time to extend Ron Zook's contract again!

Ohio State needed an intercepted 2-point conversion pass in the waning moments to beat Navy.

Iowa had to block two late field goals to pull out a one-point win over Northern Iowa.

Wisconsin almost blew a huge lead against Northern Illinois.

Minnesota, needing OT to overcome Syracuse, was nearly done in by a mediocre ex-Dookie.

Indiana, alas, still looked every bit like Indiana always does in barely getting past Eastern Kentucky.

But hey, big victories for Michigan State (over Montana State), Michigan (over Western Michigan), Northwestern (over Towson State), Penn State (over Akron) and Purdue (over Toledo).

And the Mountain West can't get an automatic bid to the big bowls because ... ?

3 cheers for ...

^

1. Oregon coach Chip Kelly and AD Mike Bellotti, for suspending LeGarrette Blount for the rest of the season (and, as a result, the rest of the fifth-year senior's career) for punching Boise State's Byron Hout after Thursday's Oregon loss. It would have been nice if Boise State coach Chris Petersen had suspended Hout at least a game or two for taunting Blount to the point of violence.

2. NFL commish Roger Goodell, for only suspending Michael Vick for the first two games of the upcoming season. Vick spent nearly two years in jail for his crimes against caninekind, so I would have preferred no NFL suspension at all. Still, two games seems reasonable given that some people think Vick should have gotten a 100-year sentence.

3. Braves manager Bobby Cox, for his MLB-record 150th ejection. Hey, if you're gonna go down, go down fighting.

Heisman "race" isn't much of one

^

Are you ready for some college football silliness? Check out my latest exclusive post HERE at SportsFanLive.com.

Cubs won't get swept in playoffs this year

^
The Bald Truth

Very nice of the Cubbies to save their fans so much autumn angst.

The Balder Truth

In a shocking development, Lou Holtz looked into the ESPN cameras the other day and predicted Notre Dame would play in the BCS Make-Believe Title Game.

Next on the Worldwide Leader: Digger Phelps goes out on a limb in forecasting a Big East hoops championship for the Fighting Irish.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Word is, some Vikings prefer Tarvaris Jackson to Brett Favre.

Um ... have these Vikings actually watched Tarvaris Jackson play?

Not that there's anything wrong with that

^

The Bald Truth

Pretty much everybody except Greg Louganis and Billie Jean King has gone ballistic ever since Hawaii football coach Greg McMackin used a disparaging term for "gay" to describe a goofy dance-and-chant number that Notre Dame players performed before last year's Hawaii Bowl.

The university suspended McMackin for 30 days.

The Western Athletic Conference reprimanded him.

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis said he was personally offended by McMackin's remark.

And Jay Mariotti immediately called for the White Sox to fire Ozzie Guillen.

The Balder Truth

I'm trying to decide which is more incredible:

That Randy Wells is the Cubs' best pitcher.

Or that it isn't even particularly close.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Interesting responses to the poll question: "Are you for or against Michelle Wie being chosen for the U.S. Solheim Cup team?"

++ 5 percent: "For."

++ 4 percent: "Against."

++ 91 percent: "What's the Solheim Cup?"

Prima + Donna = Ryan Braun

^

The Bald Truth

That Ryan Braun spoke the truth about the Brewers' pitching staff being inadequate is beside the point. 

He proved himself a prima donna, a jerk and, mostly, a horrendous teammate.

It's also beside the point that he met with GM Doug Melvin on Tuesday and tried to take back everything he said: "I apologized if I offended anybody in the organization. I wasn't trying to call anybody out." 

Oh, so when he blamed the pitching staff for the team losing three of four against the Cubs - when he said every Cubs starter was better than every Brewers starter - he was just trying to be constructive. He was just trying to prod Melvin into making a move, maybe bringing back CC Sabathia one more time or something.

I wonder how Braun would have reacted if any Milwaukee pitchers ever commented publicly about his atrocious defense in left field?

As for Melvin, he was pissed because Braun was disrespectful to people in the front office.

Really? What Braun did was far worse than taking a poke at Melvin and his minions. Braun ripped his own teammates - angrily and very publicly. 

He all but said: "I'm great, they're not. I can win us the pennant. They're weighing me down."

Think about all the ballplayers who have been jerks this season: Manny, A-Roid, Milton, Magglio, Cra-Z and so on. 

Have any of them shown their teammates less respect than Ryan Braun did?

Hey, at least the Brewers - a team too flawed to be taken seriously even in the horrid NL Central - have somebody who is No. 1 in one category.

The Balder Truth

True story: The Indians are beating the White Sox 3-1 in the sixth inning when Cleveland manager Eric Wedge goes to his bullpen. Before turning the channel to check what's going on in the Cubs-Braves game, I say to my wife and son: 

"With those rag-arm relievers, the Sox will be leading 9-3 pretty soon."

We turned back to the Sox game just in time to see Paul Konerko's grand slam - his second of three HRs on the night - sail into the stands. An inning later, it was 10-3.

Nice pitching staff you've got there, Cleveland. 

Ryan Braun can't even blame Kerry Wood for this one.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Now that Michael Jackson has been eulogized, memorialized and laid to rest, can we please get on with something that matters? 

You know, like Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch's proposed Justice Department probe into the BCS?

Because if there's one thing our federal government should be investing time and money in, it's that Utah didn't get a chance to play for the mythical national football title.

And some people wonder why our country is bankrupt.

12 years for Hossa? It only seems like a long time

^

The List

The economy has tanked, right? Well, apparently not in the NHL, where the Blackhawks just handed out a 12-year, multi-gajillion-dollar contract to Marian Hossa. 

Twelve years! 

The deal doesn't expire until after the 2020-21 season, which has to be the longest any franchise in any sport has committed to one today's athletes. Hossa will be 42 by then.

Here are 12 things certain to happen in those dozen years:

1. Twitter becomes ancient history, replaced by Thoughter - the process by which we communicate to each other through brainwaves alone. Only 140 characters at a time, please.

2. Princess Sasha takes over the U.S. throne from King Barack.

3. In a dramatic reversal, the medical community says anabolic steroids are essential to the health and well-being of every human. Steroids replace flouride in the water we drink. Athletes are suspended for refusing to take performance-enhancing drugs. Bryce Harper, a one-time phenom who has bulked up to 255 pounds of pure muscle, becomes the first big-league ballplayer to hit 100 home runs in a season. Syringes are available in vending machines at every high school. Jose Canseco is elected MLB commissioner.   

4. After democracy wins out in Iran, the country merges with Iraq. And the great nation of Iranq becomes one of our most loyal allies.

5. Led by manager Ozzie Guillen, the Cubs win their seventh World Series.

6. The Toyota Prius is declared illegal in the U.S. by Princess Sasha, who says: "Sorry, but hybrids use too much fuel."

7. Patrick Kane will be a third of the way through his 24-year contract. But he still can't grow a playoff beard.

8. Fresh out of federal prison, Rod Blagojevich wins American Idol with his flawless performance of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

9. Boise State emerges from the first-ever NCAA Division I football playoffs to win the national title. Raking in $100 million for each of their institutions, presidents from the six major conferences wonder what took them so long to blow up the BCS. 

10. After ceasing to exist for six years, newspapers make a dramatic comeback because readers missed Hagar The Horrible too damn much.

11. At 95, Joe Paterno signs what Penn State is calling "perhaps his last three-year contract extension."

12. Marian Hossa is the unanimous choice as the greatest hockey player of all time and is enshrined in the sport's Hall of Fame even though he's still an active player. His presenter is Wayne Gretzky, now known merely as "The Very Good One." 

The Bald Truth

With a huge victory over the mighty Buccos, the Cubs have convinced me that they'll win the vast majority of their remaining games as long as ...

++Lou Piniella gets ejected every day.

++Randy Wells can make 60 or so starts.

++The Cubs eat the rest of Alfonso Soriano's contract so Sam Fuld can be their left fielder and leadoff hitter.

++Kosuke Fukudome bats, say, .600 from here on in.

++Aramis Ramirez stays healthy through the rest of the regular season, positioning himself perfectly to go 0-for-12 in the playoffs.

The Balder Truth

As a guy who has seen a lot of Bulls games these last five years, I already miss watching Ben Gordon dribble 23 seconds off the clock before hoisting a 27-foot fadeaway.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Last July, the Brewers pulled within a game of the Cubs going into a four-game series at Miller Park. Riding high from their recent acquisition of CC Sabathia, the Brewers were ready to send a message to Cubbieland: We're in the race to stay. 

Four days and one Cubs sweep later, Bernie Brewer had to enter detox.

Flash forward to this weekend: Starting Thursday, the Cubs and Brewers will meet at Wrigley Field for a four-game series. Somehow, the Cubs have stayed in the division race, trailing the Brewers by only 3 1/2 games despite being baseball's biggest underachievers. 

Another Cubs sweep and they'll be in first place (or close to it, depending upon what the Cardinals and Reds do). 

But if the Brewers do in Chicago what the Cubs did in Milwaukee in July 2008 ... well, let's just say it will be open season on Gatorade coolers in the Cubbie dugout.

Jack Bauer's sports to-do list

^

If we're to believe where 24 was steering us at the end of another hellish "day," Jack Bauer will be back after doctors use his daughter's stem cells to rid his body of toxic pathogens.

Anyway, now that he's saved the world again, here are ...

Five things we can expect from Jack during his next day at the office:

5. Short-circuit all television satellite feeds into the White House, thereby protecting President Obama from exposure to lethal doses of the White Sox.

4.  Force Terrell Owens to listen to Paul Warfield, John Stallworth, Raymond Berry and other classy receivers who rarely dropped the football, never blamed their QBs and actually won something during their careers. And by "force," all 24 fans know what that means.

3. Administer truth serum to Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and so on and so on and so on. And don't worry about this being too difficult. If approached with syringes, these fine gentlemen aren't likely to resist.

2.  Make Brett Favre make up his mind. Do whatever it takes and use every means at your disposal. One way or another, the madness must end.

1. Stop terrorist attacks? Yawn! Really impress us and stop the BCS.

Notre Doom, Bullspit and a rocky Tripp

^

The Bald Truth

Notre Dame had such a lousy basketball season. Are we sure Charlie Weis isn't running those Fading Irish, too?

Anything You Can Do

After watching on TV as St. John's lost by 29 points to Marquette in the Big East tournament, the inspired Bulls went out and lost by only 28 to Orlando.

Yep, just a few more wins and the Bulls will be NIT ready.

The Balder Truth

Brian McNamee is alleging that he injected Roger Clemens with steroids right at the Yankee Stadium hot tub.

I won't reveal what the two supposedly did next, but let's just say it involved candlelight, Crisco and Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight."

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Speaking of unlikely romances, I was devastated to hear that Bristol Palin and her baby daddy, Levi Johnston, have broken up just 2 1/2 months after little Tripp entered the world.

And to think, the teenagers had looked so happy every time Granny Sarah marched them onstage to make a point about family values. 

Remember, kids: "Abstinence is the only thing you need to know about sex ... (wink) ... You betcha!"