Today's High Five

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5. Headline you don't expect to see at Notre Dame:

Crist Benched.

I mean ... Jesus! ... is nothing sacred?

4. Cubbie closer Carlos Marmol said a seventh-inning rain delay was partly to blame for his troubles two innings later, when he gave up a hit, walked two batters and then served up Derrek Lee's go-ahead grand slam.

"I don’t make excuses," Marmol said, pausing for a second before making his excuse. "But the mound was a little slippery."

I guess the Wrigley mound must have gotten completely unslippery in the bottom of the ninth, when Pirates closer Joel Hanrahan retired the Cubs 1-2-3.

Lee had just come off the DL, where he had been since Marmol broke his hand with a pitch on Aug. 10. That led to this quote from Pirates manager Clint Hurdle, which perfectly summarizes why many of us prefer sports to real life:

"Isn’t it amazing? Sometimes in sports, you can’t write the script. The game plays out and gives you stories you never would have written up."

3. LSU's QB has been suspended for his alleged involvement in a bar fight. One of his top receivers has been suspended due to a possible NCAA infraction. And yet the Tigers shook off the "distractions" to beat Oregon in a rare Week 1 college-football battle that actually mattered.

One of my pet peeves about the media always has been the whole Distractions Thing.

What some of my colleagues obviously don't understand is that once the game starts, offensive linemen aren't saying: "I'd make this block but I can't stop thinking about our receiver." A Cardinals batter trying to get a hit off Roy Halladay doesn't have Albert Pujols' contract situation on his mind. When Kobe Bryant drives to the hoop, he isn't thinking about some goofy Ron Artest quote from four days earlier.

The game starts ... and athletes just play. If they were easily distracted, they wouldn't be high-level athletes.

2. Cubbie bum-in-the-making Tyler Colvin, batting .145, wants to be Adam Dunn when he grows up.

As for Dunn's team ... could there have been a better way for the White Sox to officially bow out of AL Central contention than by blowing a seven-run lead and losing to the first-place Tigers?

Thanks for pretending all season long, kids.

1. LSU's impressive win over Oregon took place at spacious, luxurious Cowboys Stadium, but I doubt LSU players spent any time daydreaming about their possible NFL careers.

You know, nobody likes to contemplate a pay cut.
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3 cheers for ...

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1. Oregon coach Chip Kelly and AD Mike Bellotti, for suspending LeGarrette Blount for the rest of the season (and, as a result, the rest of the fifth-year senior's career) for punching Boise State's Byron Hout after Thursday's Oregon loss. It would have been nice if Boise State coach Chris Petersen had suspended Hout at least a game or two for taunting Blount to the point of violence.

2. NFL commish Roger Goodell, for only suspending Michael Vick for the first two games of the upcoming season. Vick spent nearly two years in jail for his crimes against caninekind, so I would have preferred no NFL suspension at all. Still, two games seems reasonable given that some people think Vick should have gotten a 100-year sentence.

3. Braves manager Bobby Cox, for his MLB-record 150th ejection. Hey, if you're gonna go down, go down fighting.