Thursday, November 24, 2016

Loosen your belt and enjoy the Turkey of the Year Countdown

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It's Thanksgiving. So naturally, while Roberta is relaxing blissfully in the kitchen (something about getting dinner ready), I am doing real work: putting together my 18th annual Turkey of the Year Countdown.

Lest I end up on this list myself, I do hope everybody knows I'm joking. Robbie is working hard in that kitchen. As she should, being a woman at all. (That's for you, President Trump!)

Anyway, on with the task at hand - "honoring" the sports year's losers, lame-os, louts, haters, hypocrites and hacks.

Previous "winners" (and by that, I mean losers):

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells and Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno and the Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012); Alex Rodriguez(2013); Roger Goodell and Ray Rice (2014); Derrick Rose (2015).

Sharp readers will notice that up until 2010, each of those Turkeys did their gobbling in Chicago or the Midwest. Because I columnized for the Copley newspaper group in Chicago, where the annual countdown got its start under my predecessor and friend, the late, great Gene Seymour, I naturally favored that region. (The Cubs were particularly well-represented, taking the "honor" six times in a 7-year span in the aughts ... but that obviously isn't the case this year!) Since moving to North Carolina, I've expanded my Turkey-choosing horizons. Still, as always, I dedicate this in memory of Gene.

OK, enough appetizers. Time to get to the main meal ...

12. JIMMY HASLAM. Since buying the Cleveland Browns in 2012, they are 19-56 - including 0-11 so far this season, when they will miss the playoffs for the 14th straight year. Haslam already has shot through four coaches and three GMs, and he doesn't even have a GM now because he hired a baseball guy to focus on Moneyball-type analytics. Good luck with that. Can't LeBron buy the team?

11. NICK KYRGIOS. Tennis is the only mainstream sport in which even high-ranked competitors routinely tank games: Player is losing 5-1, so he or she barely moves to save energy for the following set. The enigmatic Kyrgios took tanking to an absurd level in a Shanghai Masters loss to Mischa Zverev: He literally didn't try almost the entire match, tapping serves barely over the net, walking away as Zverev returned shots and saying out loud that he just wanted to go home to Australia. Fans, who had paid hundreds for tickets, booed - and Kyrgios cussed them out. Nice guy.

10. TIGER WOODS. I faintly remember him being a pretty fair golfer. I've won as many majors as he has the last eight years.

9. CHRIS SALE. Flipped out not because the crappy White Sox became laughingstocks in Cubbieland but because he didn't want to wear an alternate jersey the team was promoting. Apparently oblivious to the fact that such promotions help pay ballplayers' astronomical salaries, Sale went comically ballistic, cutting uniforms to shreds in the clubhouse. It probably was the first step in Sale's eventual departure from the team. Hmmm ... maybe he knew exactly what he was doing all along.

8. COLIN KAEPERNICK. I have no problem with him declining to stand during the national anthem as a protest against police violence against blacks. (Nor do I have a problem with those who dislike him for it.) But when Kaepernick wears socks depicting cops as pigs, when he says something idiotic like Trump and Hillary are equally racist and when he decides to not even vote ... well, he undermines his own cause.

7. TONY ROMO. The Cowboys finally seem ready to contend for the Super Bowl, and their snakebit QB - injured yet again - gets "Wally Pipped" by Dak Prescott. Romo is healthy enough to play now but can't get his job back. The classy Romo has said Prescott should stay in the lineup, so this Turkey mention is more about his doggone bad luck.

6. RYAN LOCHTE. First, he swam in Rio as if he had an anchor tied around his neck. Then he lied about being robbed at gunpoint. Then he came back to America after the Olympics and staged a pathetic apology tour. I'm not sure what's worse, athletes who dope, or dopey athletes.

5. BRIAN KELLY. It isn't easy to make Notre Dame football completely irrelevant, so Kelly deserves special congratulations for that. Oh, and the team just had to forfeit 21 wins for academic malfeasance under his watch. Predictably, he says he had no knowledge of the situation. Either he is lying or he is ignorant; neither speaks highly of the man in charge. Touchdown Jesus is mortified.

4. CAM NEWTON. The year started great, as the NFL MVP passed and ran and dabbed the Panthers into Super Bowl 50. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to go but down. Getting little help from his teammates, he didn't play especially well in the big game, and he deserved the grief he caught for not even trying to recover a late fumble that sealed Carolina's fate. He then demonstrated how not to conduct a post-game press conference. This season, he has been only OK and the Panthers likely will miss the playoffs. He also got himself concussed when a defensive player blasted him at the goal line after Cam slowed down instead of simply running into the end zone. I'm a Panthers fan - and a Cam fan - so I hope this was just one of those years and he'll come back strong in 2017.

3. HOPE SOLO. The U.S. soccer goalie gave new meaning to "poor sportsmanship" - and to "Ugly American" - when she reacted to an Olympic quarterfinal loss to Sweden by calling the Swedes a bunch of cowards. What got Solo so perturbed? Did the Swedes play dirty? Did they call U.S. players names? Did they spike the U.S. team's Gatorade? No ... they had the temerity to employ a slow-down strategy that helped them win in a shootout. Of course, the U.S. could have won the shootout had their goalkeeper made more saves ... but it's easier to lash out than to look in the mirror.

2. DRAYMOND GREEN. Who knew that the statistic that would have the biggest bearing on the NBA Finals would be not points or assists or rebounds or turnovers but crotch shots? Green, one of the Golden State Warriors' best players, turns out to also be one of basketball's dirtiest. He started kicking opponents in their man-zones earlier in the postseason and kept it up in the Finals. Finally, when Green changed things up a bit by using his hand to swat LeBron during Game 4, NBA commissioner Adam Silver had little choice but to suspend Green for Game 5. The Warriors had a 3-1 series lead but lost without Green. He then played poorly in Game 6 as the Cavs won again, setting the stage for Cleveland's remarkable, entertaining and historic win in Game 7. For Draymond Green, that must have been quite a kick in the, um, teeth.

And now, friends and fans, the 2016 Turkey of the Year ...

N.C. GOVERNOR PAT McCRORY

What? Am I suddenly making this a political "award." Well, only kind-of.

McCrory almost did the impossible. In a state that decisively elected Trump and pretty much every other Republican on the ballot, McCrory seems to have managed to lose his job as governor. (I say "seems to" because a recount appears to be in the offing, but the odds against him winning remain very long.)

What's especially interesting is that North Carolina has created jobs during McCrory's tenure and even has a budget surplus. The state is growing, as newcomers pour in. Formerly a popular Charlotte mayor, he won easily in 2012, getting millions of votes from Democrats. As the incumbent, he should have cruised to victory - and if there had been any doubt, he could have ridden the coattails of Trump, whom he supported vocally. Instead, he trails Democrat Roy Cooper, the attorney general, by about 8,000 votes.

How did this happen?

There might have been a few reasons. He is perceived by many Republicans as too moderate and by most Democrats as exceedingly right-wing. He is seen as a feckless leader, bullied frequently by legislators from his own party. He refused to take a stand against toll roads that will cost North Carolina commuters dearly. But perhaps the overriding factor was a piece of legislation called House Bill 2.

HB2 - or Hate Bill 2, as detractors call it - strips antidiscrimination protections away from LGBT residents. It prevents counties, cities and towns from raising the minimum wage. And, most famously, it mandates that transgender people use bathrooms that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates.

Almost immediately, corporations scrapped plans to bring jobs to North Carolina. Bruce Springsteen and other high-profile entertainers canceled concerts. Large groups moved their conventions to other states.

And - here's where the sports comes in - those in charge of professional and college leagues expressed serious doubts about whether they wanted to hold major events here. The NBA gave N.C. leaders a few months to try to rectify the situation, but when the state refused to back down, the league pulled the 2017 All-Star Game out of Charlotte.

The ACC followed, taking its championship football game out of Charlotte. Greensboro was supposed to host two NCAA basketball tournament rounds - but not any more. Numerous other college sporting events pulled up stakes to go elsewhere.

In addition to being embarrassing, all of that activity is costing North Carolina hundreds of millions of dollars in economic activity. McCrory and his people keep trying to downplay the losses and to blame those who are moving the events. The soon-to-be-ex-governor does everything but take responsibility for his own mess.

HB2 was rushed into law during a one-day special session and signed within minutes by McCrory, who since has admitted that he didn't know some of what was in it. McCrory has defended it as a common-sense law that protects women and little girls from sexual predators. This despite the fact that there have been zero instances of transgender people committing deviant crimes in the hundreds of cities that allow them to use the bathrooms of their choice.

Besides being pretty much unenforceable, the law actually requires transgender men - who look like men, act like men and might even have facial hair (think Chaz Bono) - to use the ladies room. Why? Their birth certificates say they are female, so they have to pee in stalls next to the little girls McCrory purports to protect.

Oh, and McCrory supported Trump, who has bragged about going into locker rooms at beauty pageants, many of which involved teenage girls. If only HB2 had banned Agent Orange!

It is so much hypocrisy, all in the name of hate and exclusion. It has cost North Carolina the NBA All-Star Game, thousands of jobs and considerable humiliation. And now it apparently has cost McCrory his governorship.

Channeling his inner Hope Solo, he is refusing to concede. Channeling his inner Trump, he is alleging voter fraud despite there being no evidence that wide-spread fraud cost him the election. But the more votes that are being counted - all by Republican county election boards - the further behind McCrory is falling in the race. Classic.

It's a performance well deserving of the highest honor in the land, The Baldest Truth's Turkey of the Year.
^

Friday, November 11, 2016

A bald take about Trump's victory ... and a search for the bright side (such as: No More Clintons!)

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The Bald Truth

Hillary Clinton lost the presidency because she was a horribly flawed candidate and because she couldn't energize enough minorities and women to vote for her.

She lost because she made some terrible mistakes - if they even were "mistakes" - with her infamous email server. 

She lost because America is sick of the Clintons and the rest of the political establishment. 

She lost because the vast majority of Americans considered her untrustworthy and unlikable.

The Balder Truth

Donald Trump won because Americans wanted change for change sake.  


He won because a large swath of America is uneducated, gullible and desperate.

He won because he did a brilliant job of appealing to the "deplorables" ... as well as plenty of non-deplorables who simply were tired of the status quo. Many good people voted for him, but they are naive to think he is going to bring back jobs in the steel mills and garment plants; the man's own clothing label is from far-flung destinations. They are naive to think he gives a rat's rump about them; he has spent decades stiffing the Average Joes who have worked for him, attended his "university" or thrown craps at his now-defunct casinos.

He won because he was right about the election being rigged; he was just wrong about the "rig-ee." The combination of the Russian hacks being leaked through Wikileaks and Comey's outrageously awful handling of the email situation -- all in the campaign's final two weeks -- made things very difficult for Clinton. Of course, those situations wouldn't have existed had Clinton not committed her multiple faux pas. 

He won -- thrilling the KKK, the alt-right and the millions of others who want to Make America White Again -- because rampant, overt racism is very much alive in the Land of the Free. 

Think about our president-elect. In his very first hour as a candidate, he cast Mexicans as rapists and drug-dealers. The leader of the Republican Party, Paul Ryan, said Trump's comments about a Mexican judge represented "the textbook definition of racism." To cement this, Trump hired an avowed bigot as his campaign CEO. And now Ryan has become an enthusiastic supporter.


And that's just the start. Agent Orange is an admitted sexist, an admitted sexual abuser, an admitted pervert who bragged about being able to watch 15-year-old Teen USA contestants in various states of undress. 

Can you imagine if Barack Obama boasted about being so famous that he could grab women by their hoo-has and kiss them against their will? It would have been Superfreakin' Blackageddon!

Trump has almost no knowledge of anything beyond our borders and little intellectual curiosity. He brazenly refused to show his tax returns. PolitiFact said that more than 70% of what he said during the campaign was either "mostly false," "false" or "pants on fire." He wants to spread nukes around the world and has threatened to use them. He has offered few detailed policies. He is exceedingly vindictive; it will be interesting to see how he engages with the many Republicans who repudiated him.


In the end, more than half of America was bamboozled by a racist, sexist, bombastic snake-oil salesman. How embarrassing. We are the laughingstock of the world.

Over the next four (or - yikes! - eight) years, I'll be curious to see if the Dems in Congress have the cajones to wage the kind of stonewalling, obstructing and fillibustering that the Republicans did against just about all of Obama's initiatives. My guess is that the Dems will have neither the will nor the political courage.

Meanwhile ...

Our VP-elect, Mike Pence, doesn't believe in basic science. He's a bible-thumping evolution denier who thinks God actually created the world in six days, and did so only a few thousand years ago: the classic "Jesus rode dinosaurs" guy. Disavows anything to do with climate change. Wants to deny women control of their bodies and futures. In some ways, he is more dangerous than his boss.

The Lowest Bar Ever

Every time Trump went on TV and didn't say something ridiculous, insulting or incendiary, he was hailed as being "presidential." So it was no surprise that his followers went ga-ga over his vanilla declaration of victory, in which he urged us all to do the kumbaya thing as a nation.


Just a few weeks ago, Agent Orange was threatening, if he lost, to repudiate our political process by refusing to accept the results. Now he's all for the peaceful transfer of power. Shocker that he would be for whatever suits him.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Hey, as long as Trump doesn't start World War III because Kim Jong-un tweets an insult about his small hands, this probably won't affect me much personally. I'm white, I'm male, I'm straight, I'm financially comfortable and I've got a Sugar Mama. 

I sure wouldn't be comfortable being anything other than a straight white male under a Trump presidency, though, especially with the GOP retaining control of the Senate and almost surely about to take back the Supreme Court. Trump not only has the title, he has the backing. Scary. Fifty-plus years of work on women's rights, black rights, gay rights, etc., are in jeopardy of being flushed down the toilet.

Hey, I did all I could do - even held my nose and voted for Hillary - so now I'll be a big boy and live with it. It's not as if I have a realistic choice. Despite Roberta's declaration that we're moving to Canada ... we're not. 


We probably won't even leave North Carolina, which since our arrival six short years ago has erased a century of progress to become a haven of backward thought. That my quiet, leafy, suburban neighborhood was thick with Trump signs surprised me at first; it shouldn't have.

So this registered Independent is going to try to look at the few silver linings:

1. I like to think we have seen the last of the Clintons. In 2008, Hillary couldn't beat an unknown rookie whose name sounded like Osama. And eight years later she couldn't beat one of the most unpopular people on the planet -- a guy with even higher "unfavorable" numbers than her's. She's toast, and so is Bubba. When all this started 18-plus months ago, the betting money was on another Clinton-v-Bush showdown. Now, both political families are afterthoughts. 

2. This should open the Dems' eyes to see that they can't just throw any old retread on the presidential ballot and rely upon the minority vote to save them. They need to tap into their pool of younger potential stars -- people that progressive whites, minorities, women, Millennials and others can rally behind. My kids were thrilled to vote for Obama in 2008; they and the rest of their generation (and my generation, too!) need candidates they can get excited about, or they simply won't turn out to vote. It will be interesting to see how the Cory Bookers, the Julian Castros, the Eric Garcettis, etc., progress as political figures.

3. This totally exposed the religious far-right as the hypocrites they are. Has there ever, ever, EVER been a less-Christian, major-party political candidate than Donald Effen Trump? And yet millions upon millions of Christians couldn't wait to make a thrice-married, lecherous, foul-mouthed, uncharitable, money-obsessed, boastful casino operator the most powerful man on the planet. 


Here in North Carolina, the GOP passed the infamous "bathroom law" known as HB2 because, they said, it would prevent perverts from spying on their daughters in locker rooms. And then, for president, they backed a pervert who literally bragged about spying on teenagers in locker rooms. Bravo!

All right. End of screed. I'll hang up and listen now while Agent Orange makes America great again.

^

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Another fantastic finish for the Sons of Pitches, another super start for my hoopin' Eagles

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Election aside (I'll save my musings on that subject for another time), Tuesday was a wonderful day for a beginning and fantastic evening for an ending.

First, my Scholars Academy Eagles girls basketball team won our season opener. Although we lost a lot of offensive weapons from last season's championship squad, I was thrilled to see that our trademark "outwork-'em-to-death" style is back in full force.

We had trouble scoring early, but we were relentless on defense and just wore down our opponent to pull away in the second half. Our captain, 8th-grader Ritika, has been with me for all four of my years at the school. She controlled the game at point guard and, as is her custom, she nailed a dagger of a 3-pointer to break our opponent's back. She got strong support from Deirdre, our talented 6th-grader who matched Ritika's 8 points, and the rest of her aggressive, hard-working teammates.

It's always nice to start off with a win. You can't go undefeated if you lose your first game!

After my Eagles wrapped up the victory in Rock Hill, S.C., I jumped in my car and drove 35 minutes to Charlotte, where our Sons of Pitches won our second Carolina Senior Softball championship.


We tend to like to do things the hard way, and we outdid ourselves this time. Due to injuries, absences and, yes, a little bit of bad, old-fashioned poor play, we only had a 4-6 record in the Fall season. So we entered the postseason tournament as the No. 9 seed -- meaning that if we were going to win the title, we would have to do win four straight games as the visitors.

We opened the tournament with a 19-3 thrashing of the No. 8 seed. We then took out the No. 1 seed, a team that had only lost once, advancing to Tuesday's Final Four.

In the semifinal, we faced the No. 4 seed, Orange Crush. We proceeded to crush the softball all game long and rolled to a 19-13 victory. I had a couple of hits but most notably got a lot of exercise shifting from right-center field to left-center field and back again.

Our regular LCF, Rick, is one of the best outfielders around. Meanwhile, I'm primarily a catcher who has trouble seeing flyballs at night; I was needed for the outfield because one of our players was out of the country and another was hurt. So when there was a right-handed hitter batting, Rick would play LCF and I would play RCF, as he was more likely to get a ball pulled to him. And when there was a left-handed hitter up (or, in a couple of instances, a righty who liked to go to the opposite field), Rick would shift to RCF and I'd move to LCF.

Our inventive manager Pat devised this strategy and, unlike some of his strategies, this one actually worked - ha! I didn't get a single fly all game, Rick got several, and I think it messed with our opponents' minds to see us shifting constantly.

That win put us in the championship game against the same team that had thrashed us a few months earlier in the Spring title game, the Raiders. Unlike Al Davis' old Oakland Raiders, this time these Raiders didn't "just win, baby." Our bats stayed hot, we jumped on them for 3 in the first and 5 in the second (capped by yours truly's "mini-walkoff hit"), and we led from beginning to end in our 18-11 victory.

The final out set off a nice little celebration that put an exclamation point on an amazing two-year run for the SoPs.

In the CSS, teams are re-drafted every other year, so the nucleus of teams are together for two years. That's four seasons: two Spring and two Fall. In that span, we won two championships (2015 Spring, 2016 Fall) and a runner-up trophy (2016 Spring). The only time we didn't at least reach the title game was Fall 2015, when bad weather canceled the entire postseason. Pretty darn impressive, no?

More important than the championships have been the friendships. We have a great group of guys who pick each other up and cheer each other on. We like to clown around, but we're all business once the games start. (Almost all business. When Pat or Bob shout, "Come on guys, one out at a time," my response usually is, "Screw that, I'm getting 2 outs at a time!")

Peter and Eddie, injury-replacement players who joined us most recently, shored up our infield and brought big bats (and great attitudes) to our team. "Good Mike" (as opposed to me, "Bad Mike") and Doug were the injured guys they replaced, yet both showed up for the final four, coached the bases and rooted us on. Bruce was our resident wise-ass, and also a good hitter and outfielder. Gary, our left fielder and cleanup hitter, has a lethal bat to right-center field. Rick is the ultimate table-setter, a leadoff man who got on base nearly every time and had speed to burn (for an old dude). Jerry, our shortstop, never met a pitch he didn't like; he was especially adept at crushing pitches over his head. Bob was the best first baseman in the league and a perfectionist who, um, "gently reminded" everybody else to do things right. O.K. and Mickey, our two most senior seniors, are still going strong even though 70 has been in their rearview mirrors for quite a few years. Wayne was a good clutch hitter who, importantly, was reliable when it came to going out for a beer. Pat was our No. 3 hitter who pitched superbly in the playoffs after excelling at other positions during the season. And I was the keep-it-loose guy with the big mouth who had a few decent moments at the plate (too few) and tried not to screw up too often in the field.

This was my third season with O.K. and Wayne, and my fourth with Good Mike and Bob, and I've been lucky to be around them for all these years.

And Pat ... we entered the league at the same time, all the way back in 2012, and were thrown together on a team of misfits. We've been together ever since, for five seasons, as he kept trading for me after he became a manager. He loves telling stories about how he traded a blind guy for me -- or was it a double amputee or a dead guy? I'm pretty sure he just kept bringing me along because he wanted to make sure he had a teammate who would be willing to grab a beer after games. As much as I (and many of our teammates) like to kid Pat, he's been a great manager and a true amico.

Lots of teams talk about camaraderie, chemistry and other hard-to-quantify intangibles, but it really, truly has been the case for this group. I've been involved with a lot of teams in a lot of sports, as a player, a coach, a parent, a writer, etc., and this one has been extra special.

Here's to you, Sons of Pitches: great champions, great guys, great friends.
^

Friday, November 4, 2016

Cubbies bring The Baldest One back

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Yeah, yeah ... it's been forever since I posted here. Hey, I've been busy as heck. Coaching basketball again (we begin defense of our conference title next week), umpiring several days a week, writing for actual money for Seeking Alpha, golfing again (still mediocre at best), losing sleep as Hillary loses her lead in the polls, etc., etc., etc.

All it took was the Cubbies to win the World Series to get me going again. So here are a baker's dozen observations about that every-108-years occurrence ...

1. The Cubs were the best team all season, and it really wasn't very close. They were built beautifully by Theo Epstein, from the front office and manager on down. Very balanced: pitching, hitting, fielding, the whole nine yards. Seemed to have a very good "team personality," too -- guys liked each other, picked each other up when necessary, etc. This should serve them well for many years.

2. Joe Maddon over-manages sometimes, did so quite often during the postseason and really had a pretty crappy Game 7. It reminded me of Tony La Russa's occasional inability to keep his hands off. But, like La Russa, I'll take Maddon every day of the week. It doesn't take a genius to do a double-switch. The most important part of managing is dealing with the egos, and Maddon is wonderful at that.

3. Those who love the Cubs but hate domestic abusers had the perfect scenario in Game 7. Aroldis Chapman sucked so badly he actually was reduced to tears, but the Cubs still won.

4. The Indians had a nice lineup but their bench ... pretty suspect. The best pinch-hitters Terry Francona could come up with were Yan Gomes and Michael Martinez, who, to be charitable, are really bad. Gomes had a particularly terrible at-bat when the Indians had Chapman on the ropes in the 8th inning.

5. As soon as Chapman retired the side 1-2-3 in the ninth, I knew the Cubs were going to win. They had the heart of their lineup coming up in the 10th, and the Indians' staff was gassed. Jason Hayward's speech and some divine force causing a rain delay ... it's fun to talk about stuff like that, but it came down to a tired, good-but-not-great pitcher going against some outstanding hitters.

6. Kyle Schwarber ... now THAT'S a great story. And how fr
eakin' good is Kris Bryant? Yikes! I'll already say that he could retire as the best Cub ever.

7. As I said, I'm no Cubs fan. I really didn't care if they had won or lost. But as with the Cavs, it's nice to see something that never happens, happen. Also, Ben still lives in Chicago and is a huge Cubbie fan, and it's nice to hear my son be so happy.

8. It was an interesting series, and a great Game 7, reminding me of some faves from over the years. The best series I ever saw in person was Twins-Braves '91. That produced several amazing games, including the best meaningful game I ever saw in person - Game 7, the "Jack Morris Game." (I make the "meaningful" distinction because we've all seen a lot of great regular-season games in every sport; it's the great moments that happen when the stakes are the highest that we really remember.)

9. My first major sportswriting assignment was the 1982 ALCS (Brewers-Angels) and World Series (Brewers-Cardinals), so those have special personal meaning for to me.

10. The most incredible half-hour of sports that I have ever witnessed personally came in the 2003 NLCS, Game 6, 8th inning. Never had seen anything like it and almost surely never will again.

11. Otherwise, I've seen so many great World Series games on TV that it's hard to rank them. Certainly, the Carlton Fisk game in '75 was memorable. Diamondbacks over Yankees in 2001. So, so, so many others. Old-timers will say the "Mazeroski game" in 1960 - when Bill Mazeroski's 9th-inning homer gave the Pirates a huge upset victory over the Yankees - was the greatest ever. That actually took place the day I was born, Oct. 13, 1960, and I have a cool baseball card commemorating that game with the date highlighted.

12. If you're truly a long-suffering Cubbie fan who stuck by the Lovable Losers through thin and thinner, I'm happy for you. If you're one of the zillions of Cubbie-come-latelies who glommed onto this team this season ... meh.

13. Two years ago, if you had asked me if the Cubs could win the 2016 World Series, I would have responded:

"Yeah, sure. And Donald Trump can win the effen White House."

That's all for this edition of The Baldest Truth, folks. See you again in 2124!
^

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Six years of Chicago in our rearview mirror

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It has been exactly six years since Roberta and I bailed on Chicago. When we are sitting in the sunroom behind our suburban Charlotte home, enjoying the autumn breeze and a beer on a beautiful North Carolina night, I gotta tell you that we might as well be a million miles away from the Midwest.

Still, I miss plenty about Chicago, mostly the people we left behind. In honor of our six years away, here are a half-dozen people (and/or couples) that I dearly miss (in alphabetical order):

Phil Arvia ... My columnist counterpart (I was with the Copley Newspapers, he was at the Daily Southtown), Phil also eventually was chewed up and spit out by the brutal business known as newspaper journalism. He worked hard, he wrote wonderfully and he always had my back. Except when it came to golf. Then I was fair game, and he was quick to use his voluminous vocabulary to come up with ways to describe the delicate nuances of my game. (Shout-out to Tammy, as well.)

Darcia and Mike Brundidge ... They lived across the street from us on Bell Ave, their older son Troy was one of Ben's best friends, their younger son Chris used to shovel off our backyard basketball court so he and his buddies could play in the middle of winter. Good times. Even though the miles separate us now, we remain close to Darcia and Mike to this day.

Rick Gano ... My former AP Chicago colleague and one of my all-time favorite characters from the world of journalism. Funny, self-deprecating, poisonously sarcastic and far too hard-working (back when he was working). Also lovably neurotic. (Shout-out to Martha, too.)

Kristi and Jim Johnson ... I met Jim when I signed up to play softball in Minnesota about 1,000 years ago, and we became good friends. They moved to Detroit at about the same time we moved to Chicago, but eventually they came to their senses and joined us in the Chicago area. We didn't see them quite as often as we would have liked because they live in Grayslake, which I believe is just outside Winnipeg, but we do try to get together with them when we make the trip back.

Ben Nadel ... Yep, our little boy is still representin'. Except now our little boy is a fine 28-year-old man who makes us proud every day. He also has a great girlfriend, Sammi ... and if I'm not mistaken they're now past their 1-year mark together. Woo-hoo! What's extra cool is that Ben's presence in Chicago pretty much forces us to visit several times a year.

Zillions of Others ... I could have listed one more person, but then I would have been leaving out so many. And I'm too freakin' nice for that.

You also might notice that I didn't list a single Chicago sports figure. It wasn't my job to get close to the people I covered. I like to think most of us had mutual respect for each other. But for those who might not have liked me because of the stuff I wrote or the questions I asked ... to hell with 'em!
^


Saturday, July 30, 2016

One speaker the Dems forgot to invite ... and other DNC stuff

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Sure, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Mike Bloomberg, Bill Clinton, Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders and Tim Kaine spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And yes, their testimonial speeches on Hillary Clinton's behalf were more than just OK.

And sure, also speaking in Philadelphia were Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, numerous generals (including some Republicans) and Khizr Kahn -- the father of a slain Muslim U.S. soldier who challenged Donald Trump's patriotism and knowledge of the Constitution. In addition, Katy Perry provided the musical entertainment.

So yeah, the Dems flashed a little more "star power" than the Republicans had a week earlier, when the best the GOP could do was dig Scott Freakin' Baio up from under a rock.

But hey, if the Dems had any sense of humor at all, they would have located the troubled Erin Moran and let her speak for a few minutes.

I mean, I can't believe they missed the opportunity to counter Chachi with Joanie!

+++

Never able to control his worst impulses, Trump has lashed out at the aforementioned Khizr Kahn. He told ABC that Clinton's staff wrote Kahn's speech and said it appeared as if Clinton's people wouldn't let Kahn's wife, Ghazala, speak.

Kahn, a Harvard-educated lawyer, went on MSNBC on Friday to say Trump was lying -- which of course is Trump's default action. And Ghazala told MSNBC that she was too nervous to speak at the convention and she was still too emotionally shaken every time she thinks about her son, Humayun, a decorated captain who was killed by a car bomb in Iraq in 2004.

During his MSNBC interview, Khizr praised the patriotism of Republicans. He called Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell "a decent human being" and a great leader, and also praised House Speaker Paul Ryan. But, Kahn added: 

"If your candidate wins, and he governs the way he has campaigned, my country, this country, will have constitutional crises. ... There comes a time in the history of a nation when an ethical, moral stand has to be taken, regardless of the political response. The only reason (McConnell, Ryan and others in the party) are not repudiating his behavior, his threat to our democracy, our decency, our foundation, is just because of political consequences."

I guess Hillary's people wrote that for him, too.

During the convention, Kahn ripped Trump for having never sacrificed anything. In his ABC interview, Trump responded: "I think I've made a lot of sacrifices," citing "millions of dollars" in donations for veterans.

About that ...

The Washington Post investigated those claims and found out that Trump hadn't donated a dime to charities for veterans. Shamed, Trump responded by finally cutting a check ... and banning Post reporters from receiving credentials to his events.

+++

The three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate this fall will be must-see TV. Trump warmed up for them two months early with more Twitter bluster, accusing Hillary and the Dems of booking some debates the same nights as NFL games.

The only problem with that accusation is that the debates were scheduled 10 months ago by the same non-partisan commission that has run presidential debates for three decades.

Eh, but since when did facts ever stop Trump?

+++

All the late-night comedians are razzing Tim Kaine for being boring, but I rather liked his speech -- especially when he was taunting Trump for punctuating his frequent lies with calls of, "Believe me!"

I think Kaine was a very good choice for Hillary's running mate. The Dems didn't need a "superstar veep." They needed a person with proven credentials and unimpeachable character.

You know you've got a good one when numerous Republicans are testifying how good a guy Kaine is.

No, he's no Barack or Bill or Biden in the speech-giving department, but he'll find his footing just fine.

+++

Both Obamas were amazing at the convention. Michelle is a national gem. And if that was the president's last major speech in front of a national audience ... wow ... what a way to go out. 

Biden's passion practically jumped off the stage. His closing punctuation -- "Come on!" -- will be remembered for years. Booker's speech was outstanding but was overshadowed by Michelle's.

Still, I think my favorite convention yakker was Bloomberg, the Independent former New York mayor who is backing Hillary.

Bloomberg taunted, emasculated and humiliated Trump the way only somebody with MORE billions could. He called Trump a con man and a hypocrite, and explained with wit and energy why Trump isn't even a good businessman.

I don't agree with all of Bloomberg's policies from his three terms as mayor, but it's a shame we got the wrong Big Apple billionaire in this presidential race. I'm guessing Bloomberg would have defeated Hillary, and perhaps quite handily.

+++

From all of the above, it's obvious that I think the Dems did a better job at their convention than the Trumpsters did in hosting Fear & Fright Fest 2016.

Nevertheless ...

Although Hillary's speech was better than I expected, she did fall back on cliches quite often. And she never really tried to convince Independents, disgruntled Republicans, Bernie Sanders followers and undecided voters why they should trust her, given her trail of lies and deceit.

Also, I didn't think Bill Clinton gave one of his better speeches. I was bored midway through it -- which wasn't the case as I watched Kaine's, by the way.

And there's still plenty of healing to do between Clinton and the Bernie Backers. Yet another email scandal made the party (and, by extension, Hillary) look bad. It played right into the "Hillary can't be trusted" narrative that the Republicans have wisely crafted.

White males, especially uneducated white males, are decidedly behind the macho, race-baiting narcissist at the top of the Republican ticket. So Hillary needs the Bernie Backers -- and they need to get over themselves. They might not like Hillary, but a Trump victory ends their "revolution," period.

Hillary also needs to handily win the black, Latino, female and young votes. I think she will, but I take nothing for granted. I admit I was among the millions who totally dismissed Trump's chances to win the GOP nomination. 

I underestimated him -- and the naivete of millions of Republican voters.

+++

I'm trying -- and failing -- to understand why so many veterans and current soldiers seem to favor a draft dodger who belittled war hero John McCain for being captured and tortured.

+++

North Carolina is a swing state, and Hillary got a major bump when an appeals court struck down the state GOP's restrictive voter ID law -- a law that also would have reduced the number of early-voting days, eliminated a weekend of early voting, tossed out a tradition of pre-registering 16- and 17-year-olds, etc. 

The three-judge panel correctly ruled that the law "targeted African-Americans with almost surgical precision."

The court ruled (and I agree) that Republicans who wrote and passed the law artfully got rid of all provisions that encouraged voting by blacks, other minorities and young people -- in other words, the Democratic base. When Pennsylvania powered through a similar law in 2012, one of that state's GOP leaders was caught on tape crowing that the law would give the election to Mitt Romney.

The courts have caught on, however. Just in the last two weeks, appeals courts have struck down voter-suppression laws in Texas, Wisconsin and now North Carolina.

The GOP laws in those and other states all were enacted in the guise of eliminating voter fraud. But the appeals court shot down the N.C. law as one that "imposes cures for problems that did not exist." Study after study has shown that in-person voter fraud is practically non-existent. 

For what it's worth, I thought the ID part of the N.C. law was about as close to fair as such a law could be. IDs would be free for those who couldn't afford them, and there was a chance to fill out provisional ballots for those who lacked ID. 

As usual, however, our wonderful state GOP couldn't stop there. They had to eliminate voting days, pre-registration for older teens, on-site registration, etc. They had to do everything possible to reduce voter turnout, because elections that have high voter turnout usually favor Democrats.

They targeted the black vote "with almost surgical precision" ... and now their own chances ended up in the sick bed.
^



Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Donald chats about Melania

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When Slovenia sends its women, they're not sending their best. They're sending women that have lots of problems. They're bringing daughters of Communists. They're bringing gold diggers. They're plagiarists. And some, I assume, are good people.

You have people coming in, and I'm not just saying Slovenians, I'm talking about people that are from all over that are plagiarists and college dropouts and they're coming into this country.

The Slovenian government is much smarter, much sharper, much more cunning. And they send the bad ones over because they don't want to pay for them. They don't want to take care of them.

Well, somebody's doing the plagiarizing, Don! I mean, somebody's doing it! Who's doing the plagiarizing? Who's doing the plagiarizing?

Sadly, the overwhelming amount of plagiarism in our major cities is committed by Slovenians.

^




Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Trump defends Melania: "Hey, we the people, in order to form a more perfect union ... "

^
Melania Trump obviously plagiarized two passages of her GOP convention speech from Michele Obama.

Predictably and hilariously, Trump and his people not only denied the plagiarism, they blamed the reaction to it on Hillary Clinton! (And, of course, the liberal media.)

Here's the main case of thievery. You be the judge.

     What Michelle said in 2008:

 "And Barack and I were raised with so many of the same values: that you work hard for what you want in life; that your word is your bond and you do what you say you're going to do; that you treat people with dignity and respect, even if you don't know them, and even if you don't agree with them.
"And Barack and I set out to build lives guided by these values, and to pass them on to the next generation. Because we want our children — and all children in this nation — to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them."    
What Melania said Monday:

“From a young age, my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life, that your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise, that you treat people with respect.
"They taught and showed me values and morals in their daily lives. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to our son. And we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow. Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.”


What's next? Trump opening his acceptance speech with: "Four score and seven years ago ..."?

Democrats are, of course, attacking with the same kind of gusto Draymond Green displayed whenever an opponent's groinal region was nearby. 

At the very least, the Dems say, Trump should acknowledge the plagiarism and do what he does best -- fire the speechwriter. The problem with that is this: Melania told Matt Lauer earlier in the day, "I wrote it, and with as little help as possible."

And we all know Melania is still at least a year or two away from being fired by Trump in favor of Young Wife No. 4.

Hey, as Trump-associated horrors go, this plagiarism thing ranks pretty low on the list. Besides, this is 'Merica, and freedom to do what we want is sacrosanct.

As I famously wrote just a couple of weeks ago ...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

And I stand by those words, come hell or high water (another phrase I invented).
^


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

He's Back ... And Balder Than Ever!

^
For the longest time, I thought The Baldest Truth only had tens of readers. But given how many folks have asked why I haven't written in such a long time, I now realize that I have many more than that.

Dozens, even!

So for you loyal TBT readers, here's some stuff to chew on ...

+++

Hey, GOP! You're Focusing On The Wrong POTUS Candidate!

I'm not sure why the GOP is trying so hard to get Hillary Clinton in such deep trouble that she will have to quit the presidential race.

If the Dems were forced to replace her with Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden or any number of other folks who aren't Wall Street-beholden pathological liars, the Democrat's margin of victory over the presumptive Republican nominee would be larger than Ronald Reagan's was over Walter Mondale in 1984.

The GOP should be thrilled that an unlikable, untrustworthy jerk heads the Dem ticket.

I mean, if the Republicans really want to win this presidential election, they'd work a little harder at getting rid of the anti-conservative racist on the top of their own ticket!

+++

Sons of Pitches: Thisclose To Another Title

Our push for a second consecutive championship in Charlotte's old man's softball league fell one game short ... but not before we pulled off yet another spectacular comeback.

A few weeks ago, late in the regular season, we were losing 9-1 with two innings to play and came back to win.

In our first playoff game on July 5, with our coach (and pitcher and No. 3 hitter) Pat out of town and yours truly taking over in his absence, we blew an 8-2 lead and trailed 10-8 going into the last inning. We then scored 9 runs to win going away. (I had a single to start the rally but I also had a comical pratfall in my second at-bat of the inning -- I tripped over my own two feet about half-way down to first base, wiped out and gave myself raspberry burns on both knees. D'oh!)

Then, in our semifinal on July 12, we played an exciting, back-and-forth game with our opponent. We had a bad defensive inning, gave up 5 runs and trailed 13-9 going into the top of the last. But the Sons of Pitches do not quit, my friend. Again, the bottom of our order (which I am proud to be part of) got things going, and the big boys took care of business to finish off our 7-run rally. We got 'em out in the bottom of the inning, with the final play being a grounder to me at first base.

I saw the ball bouncing toward the line and took a step that way. I thought there was a chance it might hit the bag so I prepared myself for that possibility; it ended up bouncing over the top of the base. There was not going to be any Bucknering going on here, as I dropped to one knee and made sure the ball couldn't get through me. I fielded it and flipped to Pat covering -- a knee-high toss that made Pat work just a teeny bit before the celebration began!

Our opponents looked stunned as we high-fived each other, and I gave a thumbs-up to the other Mike -- a.k.a. "Good Mike" -- who suffered severe ankle and knee injuries during the season but still came out, walker and all, to support us. (Thanks to Mrs. Good Mike for getting him there and cheering us, too!)

After about a 10-minute break, the title game began. I was looking forward to the possibility of enjoying a "championship sandwich," with softball titles coming on both sides of the basketball crown my girls' team won last March.

We picked up right where we left off, with 4 runs in the first. But we promptly gave up 4 in the bottom of the inning and we never got the bats going again. Our opponent definitely outplayed us, pounding the softball on offense and making some incredible defensive plays to beat us decisively.

It was a sad end to a great season with an incredible group of guys. I'm already looking forward to fall ball starting next week. Yep, with softball in Charlotte, "fall" starts in mid-July. Should only be about 95 degrees with 80 percent humidity. But that's OK ... the Sons of Pitches are one tough bunch of old dudes!!!

+++

What "Black Lives Matter" Means To Me

The correct response to a black person saying, "Black lives matter," is NOT "All lives matter." Why? Because it goes without saying that every human who has been born and occupies the planet "matters." Black people are trying to accentuate the special challenges they face in a country that still has many issues in dealing with race. To counter, "Black lives matter," with "ALL lives matter," is disrespectful and confrontational, and it certainly does not move the conversation forward in a positive way.

It would be like an activist saying, "End Darfur genocide," and me responding, "End ALL genocide." Or it would be like a non-profit group saying, "Prevent breast cancer," and me responding, "Prevent ALL cancer."

Yes, everybody wants to end genocide everywhere and to prevent all forms of cancer. But these folks are trying to call attention to THEIR issues and circumstances.

That having been said, there is no valid reason to incite violence in the name of Black Lives Matter. Doing so ends up weakening the message and pushing away the very people the movement should be trying to attract.

+++

KD's Not Even The Most Interesting NBA Free Agency Story

Kevin Durant is a wonderful player and a good teammate. He will fit in with the talented Warriors and help them achieve greatness again. And I don't think choosing to join a juggernaut makes him any less of a man, as Charles Barkley implied. (Yes, the same Chuck who whined and threatened his way out of both Philly and Phoenix so he could play with championship contenders is criticizing KD for taking advantage of free agency to improve his lot.)

I'm not amazed that Durant was coveted by every team. Nor am I amazed by the big deals signed by the likes of Dwyane Wade, Mike Conley, Nicolas Batum, Al Horford and Andre Drummond.

You want amazing? How 'bout these contracts:

Matthew Dellavedova, Bucks, $38.4 million.

Jordan Clarkson, Lakers, $50 million.

Ryan Anderson, Rockets, $80 million.

Jon Leuer, Pistons, $42 million.

Timofey Mozgov, Lakers, $64 million.

Mirza Teletovic, Bucks, $30 million.

Ian Mahinmi, Wizards, $64 million.

Tyler Johnson, Heat, $50 million.

Talk about a Who's Who of What The Hell?

Meanwhile, ex-Bulls Joakim Noah and Luol Deng each scored a 4-year, $72 million contract, Noah from the Knicks and Deng from the Lakers. That wouldn't be so crazy ... if it were 2011.

The Lakers, coming off their worst season ever, somehow came to the conclusion that the road to salvation was committing $186 million to Deng, Clarkson and Mozgov.

But I guess I understand. To win an NBA title you've got have three great players.

Jordan-Pippen-Grant ... Bird-McHale-Parish ... Curry-Thompson-Green ... James-Wade-Bosh ... and now Deng-Clarkson-Mozgov.

+++

My Kind Of Camp: No Mosquitoes, No Sunburn!



















A great group of girls, including four players from last season's championship team, participated in my third annual basketball camp at the Scholars Academy gym.

I give all credit to my assistant Sholeh, a recent Scholars graduate as well as our All-Conference, co-MVP guard. It's easy to stay humble when a 14-year-old girl can shoot 14 times better than I can!

+++

Cubbies Stagger Into All-Star Break

The first month of the season, the Cubs looked like the 1927 Yankees. The last month, they looked like the 1962 Mets.

The real 2016 Cubs are somewhere in between those extremes, probably closer to being a very good team than a very bad ballclub. But it says here that, in the end, they will be only good enough to break their fans' hearts ... again.

Hey, Cleveland, you wanna talk about futility for the ages? Cubbie fans will show you futility for the ages! Give them a call when you get to 108 years (and counting).

+++

Writing for $$$, Not For Giggles & Snorts

Although I haven't been blogging, I have been doing plenty of writing -- mostly for the investing Web site Seeking Alpha. My latest article, which has generated 25,000 page-views and nearly 900 comments, is HERE.

I'm especially proud of the gratuitous Trump reference. Hey, page-views don't grow on trees, and I get a penny per click!! I'm now the site's top-ranked writer in the Dividend Investing Strategy category, with almost twice as many readers as the No. 2 ranked author.

And you thought I was just another pretty face.

Speaking of which ...

I recently did a podcast with a Seeking Alpha colleague, my first venture into that medium. I always thought I had a face for radio.

+++

That's all for now, kiddies. I'll try to return to these parts in less than 3 months.
^

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Murderous CEO gets slap on wrist - what else is new?

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Here's an article that made me sick to my stomach:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-blankenship-50cb4360-fc1b-11e5-813a-90ab563f0dde-20160406-story.html

29 miners dead, the direct result of the CEO going for every last dollar at the expense of safety, and all he gets is a year in a cushy prison before he gets out to spend the hundreds of millions of dollars he "earned."

He also shows zero remorse and plans to appeal.

Here, in italics, are a few passages from the article. The bold-faced parts are my observations.

Donald Blankenship, who presided over his coalfields from a mountaintop castle, was sentenced Wednesday to a year in prison and a $250,000 fine, the maximum punishment after his misdemeanor conviction for conspiring to flout mine-safety rules. In December he became the first chief executive officer in U.S. history found guilty of a workplace-safety crime, prosecutors said.

Incredible, and scary, to think that he is the first CEO ever punished like this given how many incidents of negligence have led to deaths over the years. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, though, as these guys have the money to buy judges and politicians (as is later documented in this article) and of course to buy the best defense. So while U.S. prisons are filled with poor mopes serving life sentences for crack possession, these guys face next to no legal accountability for their heinous crimes. 'Merica!

Blankenship, 66, stood stone-faced Wednesday as U.S. District Judge Irene Berger handed down the sentence and then denied his request to remain free on bond while he appeals. The former Massey Energy CEO, who didn't testify at trial, denied Wednesday that he masterminded a scheme to evade mining regulations and speed-up coal production.

"It's important for everyone to know that I am not guilty of any crime," Blankenship told Berger. "There's no direct evidence that I committed any crime."

The courtroom was filled with family members of the deceased. If there is a hell, there should be a special place there for him. Sad to say, but the fact that guys like this are allowed to do what they do -- ENCOURAGED to do what they do, even -- makes me wonder what God is doing with his time.

A blunt taskmaster who bullied underlings and controlled virtually all of Massey's operations, Blankenship turned the mining company into the U.S.'s fourth-largest coal producer. 

Nice guys finish last, I suppose.

Blankenship, a Republican, spent heavily to back politicians and judges friendly to the coal industry, according to state reports.

There's a shock.

He spent $3 million in 2004 to support a candidate for the West Virginia Supreme Court of Appeals. The winning judge later helped overturn a $50 million jury award against some of Massey's units.

A rich CEO using influence to get richer and buy more influence? There's another shock.

In 2009, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the judge shouldn't have participated in the case.

Now, that ruling from the Roberts court really IS a shock!

A state panel concluded that Massey managers forced miners to ignore basic safety measures, such as controlling coal dust and ensuring the mine had proper ventilation, as part of a push to increase production. The company operated the site in a "profoundly reckless manner," the panel said.

But what we really need in this country is less regulation. Damn gubment, always getting in the way of job creators. So what if the jobs created kill the employees? At least the jobs were created, dammit!

The disaster should've sparked reforms on mine safety, said Phil Smith, spokesman for the United Mine Workers of America in Triangle, Virginia. But if changes didn't come within weeks or months of the deaths of the miners, Smith said he doesn't expect them to come now.

Darn union leaders. They think it's important to keep their members alive. What jerks!

At trial, prosecutors presented evidence showing that in 2009 alone Blankenship made more than $18 million. He stepped down as Massey's top executive in 2010 with a $12 million retirement package.

"Mr. Blankenship gambled with the lives of miners all for the sake of money," Assistant U.S. Attorney Steve Ruby told Berger Wednesday.

I am stunned to hear that a CEO would do something like this! Stunned, I say!!

Even though Blankenship didn't take the witness stand during his trial, his own words came back to haunt him as jurors reviewed internal memos and listened again and again over seven weeks to recordings he secretly made of telephone conversations.

Blankenship said Massey managers should keep quiet about safety issues and focus on what "pays the bills," according to one memo. Their job, he said, was simply to "run coal."

Although I am not in favor of the death penalty, I would be tempted to make an exception for this murderous prick. But hey, at least he has to spend a whole year in a country-club prison at taxpayer expense!

It is likely the Bureau of Prisons will assign him to a minimum-security facility because of his short stay, said Larry Levine, who served 10 years in federal prisons and now advises on how to survive time behind bars.

Each day will start at 6 a.m. as a loudspeaker blares, "The Compound is Now Open!" Levine said. Blankenship will probably be assigned a demeaning job and may not get to pick whether he sleeps on a bottom or top bunk bed, the consultant said. Meals will feature beans, rice and tortillas.

Awww, poor baby! A demeaning job? Like what? Shoveling coal in a mine that's about to explode? ... He might not get his choice of bunks? Oh, the humanity! ... He'll have to eat Mexican food? Nooooo! If Trump finds out about this, he'll tear down that prison wall to save his fellow power broker!

I could go on, but I'm already ill. Have a nice day, everybody.
^