Time again for this old hack to play ball

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There was a point between wanting to be a comedian and wanting to be a veterinarian that I actually wanted to be a basketball player when I grew up.

Then, as now, I wasn't very smart. But even I was smart enough to know a not-quite-6-foot Jewish kid with the speed of a plow horse and the leaping ability of a sumo wrestler probably wasn't going to be able to hang with the likes of Bob McAdoo and Jamaal Wilkes.

So I gave up on that dream -- and, soon enough, would give up on the idea of being a veterinarian when I discovered to my horror that I'd actually have to take science and math while going to college for something like eleventy-zillion years -- to become a writer.

No regrets ... but that doesn't mean I'm still not a wannabe jock. And these days, that means doing the few active things I can do and hopefully not get maimed in the process.

That was a long introduction to say this:

It's softball time again!

Yes, for the second straight year, I'm playing in the Charlotte Senior Sports softball league. The season just started but already I've seen my share of excitement. Believe it or not, the Sons of Pitches actually traded for me a couple of weeks before the opener. Hey, if Babe Ruth, Nolan Ryan and Jeff Bagwell weren't too good to be traded, neither was I!

Our manager, Pat, and his first-round draft choice, Tom, were major contributors on my championship team from last year and decided they wanted me as a teammate again.

For comic relief, I assume.

In reality, I'm pretty sure Pat acquired me because he and I had been among the only folks who regularly went out for a beer after games last season. I'm an OK ballplayer who is willing to play anywhere the manager wants, and I'm a team-first chatterbox who makes wise cracks to keep everybody loose, but really, all Pat wanted was his drinking buddy back.

So anyway, we played our first game of the season Tuesday. It was a back-and-forth affair that we lost 19-18 in the final inning. I played catcher and batted 10th, both of which were absolutely fine by me. A lot of people don't like catching, but I think it's fun to handle the ball on every play and maybe be on the receiving end of a huge play that can decide a game. As for where I bat in the lineup, I'd be worried about my team if I was placed too high in the order.

I was fine at the plate, with two singles, a walk and three runs. As one might guess looking at the score, we had several players who did as well or better than I did. We struggled some in the field, though, which will happen in a season opener. The other team didn't exactly flash a bunch of Gold Gloves, either.

Aside from the final result, it was a fun night -- even if I had to disappoint Pat and opt out of postgame libations. I've been battling a cold and I decided that NyQuil, not Stella Artois, should provide my alcohol for the evening.

Hopefully, next week will be a different story, both on the scoreboard and afterward.
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Today's High 5: From pigskin to politics

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5. On the 40th anniversary season of the undefeated Dolphins, it's cork-popping time again for Larry Csonka, Bob Griese, Don Shula, Nick Buoniconti & Co.: The last unbeaten team, Atlanta, fell to the Saints.

I was pretty sure the Falcons weren't about to go 19-0 when they needed about 10 lucky plays to beat "my" Carolina Panthers a few weeks back.

4. Time again for the annual debate about which college football teams get to play for the mythical national championship.

Wake me when the BCS is over.

3. Haven't posted lately because I've been doing other stuff, some of which I actually get paid for.

2. The college-basketball-on-an-aircraft-carrier experiment already has run its course.

There were supposed to be three such games over the weekend. Marquette vs. Ohio State had to be canceled because the court was too slippery. Georgetown and Florida managed to play a half before condensation on the court prematurely ended the game. And the Syracuse-San Diego State game that was postponed by rain Friday finally was played Sunday despite a broken shot clock, messed-up scoreboards, a defective court and windy conditions that barely made the game resemble basketball.

In all three cases, athletes, coaches and fans traveled a long way only to be disappointed.

I get it. We want to honor veterans and we want to create cool, interesting experiences.

There are ways to do that without putting athletes at danger and making a mockery of the game.

If the NCAA really wants to help those who have served our country, hold these games in large indoor facilities and donate all proceeds to veterans' causes.

1. I just can't get enough of Fox News these days.

It was my main source of Election Night coverage, and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching the Fair & Balanced Network since then. It's funnier than Saturday Night Live ... and its stars are better actors.

As if listening to Dick Morris explaining why he was slightly off on his prediction of a Mitt Romney landslide wasn't enough entertainment, there's been: Karl Rove blaming the Obama campaign for suppressing the vote; Rick Santorum saying the GOP's failing was not being extreme enough on social issues; Sean Hannity suddenly deciding Latino-friendly immigration reform would be a good thing; and various bloviators saying Barack Obama retained the presidency due to SuperStorm Sandy, the liberal media's Benghazi coverup, the one Black Panther who stood outside one polling place, broken voting machines, etc., etc., etc.

You know, maybe if the Republicans had put up a candidate who could carry the state where he was governor, the state where his dad was a popular governor, the state where he has his newest mansion and the state his running mate calls home, the election wouldn't have come down to conspiracies.

It's been quite an election season. I miss the fun GOP primaries. I miss crazy Michele "Vaccines Make Retards" Bachmann, Herman "9-9-9" Cain, Rick "Oops" Perry, Rick "What A Snob!" Santorum, Newt "Moon Colony" Gingrich and the rest of the gang.

Mitt Romney? I already don't miss him. 

The Best Liar Money Could Buy was a terrible candidate and he would have been a terrible president.

To this day, I can see why sane people would have voted against the very flawed Obama ... but I cannot for the life of me see why anybody not named Romney would have been excited to vote for Mitt, a man who believes in nothing and everything all at the same time.
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Today's High 5: Clemens "not guilty" ... but probably not Hall bound

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5. OK, so Roger Clemens is officially "innocent." Can we please start spending tax dollars on something that actually matters to society?

Like, perhaps, appointing me Czar of Sports Hackery?

4. Yes, Jim Furyk imploded in a collapse that, while not quite Vandeveldeian or Normanian (or even Cubbian), certainly was impressive. And yes, some poser named Eldrick Woods fell apart on Saturday and Sunday, proving for the umpteenth time that he's nowhere near being Tiger again.

But give Webb Simpson credit. While others around him were fading away in the San Fran fog, he was shooting a 68-68 over the weekend on a course that seemed only slightly more fun than a Seamus Romney road trip.

Simpson not only outlasted everybody, he outplayed everybody. He made the most big shots on championship Sunday. And that, my friends, is how you win a U.S. Open.

3. I remember having a discussion at the end of the 2007 NFL season with another scribe during which we concluded that LaDainian Tomlinson was one of the top five running backs we had seen, right up there with Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith, O.J. Simpson and Barry Sanders. (We both are too young to remember Jim Brown.)

After that discussion, L.T. had an injury-plagued 1,100-yard season, followed by two sub-par (for him) years, followed by last season's slog as a specialty back for the mediocre Jets.

And now he has retired at the ripe old age of 32.

Life as an NFL runner is glamorous for a short spell but certainly isn't easy.

2. Finally, LeBron James is looking and acting and sounding and, most importantly, playing like a guy who cares more about winning than anything else.

He's only two wins away from proving he belongs to be mentioned in the same breath as the Michaels, Kobes and Magics.

Of course, he's also only three losses away from having more scorn rained down upon him than any Twitter-era athlete ever has experienced.

Kind of makes you root for him a little, no?

No? OK.

1. So now that Clemens has been found not guilty of perjury and all other charges against him in a trial that cost taxpayers a mere 3 million bucks, what are his chances of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

Answer: not too good.

Based on how voting has gone down the last few years, if a guy even is suspected slightly of having used steroids, he gets the short shrift from the Baseball Writers Association of America. And despite Monday's verdict, more than a little suspicion remains about Roger. He will be shunned big-time.

I am leaning toward voting for him because I believe he had a Hall of Fame record of accomplishment before his juicing reportedly began.

Having said that, I probably won't vote for him this December, when he appears on the ballot for the first time.

I've never been a voter who has differentiated between "regular" Hall of Famers and first-ballot Hall of Famers. It never bothered me that some of my peers reserved first-ballot status only for the best of the best, but I always felt that if a guy deserved a Hall vote, he deserved it ... period.

I think I'll change things up for the few Roid Boyz that I deem Hall worthy. If they're going to get my vote at all, they're going to have to wait for it.

Why? Because I have the power to make them wait, that's why.
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Wilt's 100 was amazing, but I'll take his 50.4

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Today is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game. It was an amazing feat and it's a beautifully round number. Still, I don't think it's his most impressive statistical accomplishment.

And no, I'm not talking about the 20,o00 ladies he claimed to have boinked. (Though that is incredible. I mean, it's almost three times my career total!)

In 1961-62, the same season in which he had that 100-point game, Chamberlain averaged -- AVERAGED! -- 50.4 points.

As stupendous as his 100-point game was, it also was something of a fluke. For one thing, Wilt was 28-of-32 from the free-throw line. A notoriously bad foul shooter, he shot them granny-style in that and many other games that season. The opponent that day, the Knicks, didn't bother to play defense in a 169-147 game that Wilt's Warriors led big from start to finish.

In many respects, Kobe Bryant's 81 points in a relatively low-scoring 2006 game (122-104) that was close until midway through the fourth quarter was at least as impressive. It's not Wilt's fault that he was taller than just about everybody else back in his era, but it is a fact. Kobe had no such advantage. And Bryant didn't score mostly on dunks and layups. (Then again, Kobe did benefit from seven 3-pointers.)

Averaging 50.4 points over an 80-game season? There's nothing even remotely fluky about that. It's an astounding display of consistent excellence, even moreso when you factor in his 25.7 rebounds per game.

Michael Jordan, generally considered the greatest player ever, topped out at 37.1 points -- which is only 73.6 percent of Wilt's standard. (By comparison, Kobe's 81-point game represented 81 percent of Wilt's 100.)

That 37.1 average by Jordan in 1986-87 was the sixth-highest ever recorded. Four of the five averages ahead of him were posted by, of course, Wilt Chamberlain. (The other was Elgin Baylor's 38.3.)

Yes, 100 points in a game is amazing, incredible, astounding, you pick the adjective. But you know what? It wasn't even double Wilt's average that season.

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Today's High Five

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5. Headline you don't expect to see at Notre Dame:

Crist Benched.

I mean ... Jesus! ... is nothing sacred?

4. Cubbie closer Carlos Marmol said a seventh-inning rain delay was partly to blame for his troubles two innings later, when he gave up a hit, walked two batters and then served up Derrek Lee's go-ahead grand slam.

"I don’t make excuses," Marmol said, pausing for a second before making his excuse. "But the mound was a little slippery."

I guess the Wrigley mound must have gotten completely unslippery in the bottom of the ninth, when Pirates closer Joel Hanrahan retired the Cubs 1-2-3.

Lee had just come off the DL, where he had been since Marmol broke his hand with a pitch on Aug. 10. That led to this quote from Pirates manager Clint Hurdle, which perfectly summarizes why many of us prefer sports to real life:

"Isn’t it amazing? Sometimes in sports, you can’t write the script. The game plays out and gives you stories you never would have written up."

3. LSU's QB has been suspended for his alleged involvement in a bar fight. One of his top receivers has been suspended due to a possible NCAA infraction. And yet the Tigers shook off the "distractions" to beat Oregon in a rare Week 1 college-football battle that actually mattered.

One of my pet peeves about the media always has been the whole Distractions Thing.

What some of my colleagues obviously don't understand is that once the game starts, offensive linemen aren't saying: "I'd make this block but I can't stop thinking about our receiver." A Cardinals batter trying to get a hit off Roy Halladay doesn't have Albert Pujols' contract situation on his mind. When Kobe Bryant drives to the hoop, he isn't thinking about some goofy Ron Artest quote from four days earlier.

The game starts ... and athletes just play. If they were easily distracted, they wouldn't be high-level athletes.

2. Cubbie bum-in-the-making Tyler Colvin, batting .145, wants to be Adam Dunn when he grows up.

As for Dunn's team ... could there have been a better way for the White Sox to officially bow out of AL Central contention than by blowing a seven-run lead and losing to the first-place Tigers?

Thanks for pretending all season long, kids.

1. LSU's impressive win over Oregon took place at spacious, luxurious Cowboys Stadium, but I doubt LSU players spent any time daydreaming about their possible NFL careers.

You know, nobody likes to contemplate a pay cut.
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Thankfully, I avoided stepping on Shaq's toe

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In what seems a lifetime ago, I covered the 1993 NBA All-Star Game in Salt Lake City for AP. Looking back, two things stand out:

1. A few other sportswriters and I went out for lunch the day of the game. It started snowing lightly as we got out of the cab and entered the restaurant. About an hour later, there had to have been a foot and a half of snow on the ground. It was the biggest, fastest blizzard I ever had seen. And that's saying something, because I lived in Minnesota for almost 10 years.

2. My game assignment was to write about Shaquille O'Neal, the NBA's rookie sensation. I can't remember what I wrote, but I do remember getting into the locker room as quickly as possible after the game and planting myself next to Shaq's locker. Even back then, he was a notorious quiet-talker, so I knew the microphone on my tape recorder wouldn't pick up a thing he said if I didn't stand thisclose. He came out of the shower and sat down on his chair, and his huge left foot literally was an inch from my right shoe. I was barely listening to what he said because all I kept thinking was, "Mike, you clod, don't step on one of this guy's toes!"

Shaq was neither the best center I ever covered (that would have been Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) nor the largest human I ever saw (the Jazz had a center named Mark Eaton, whose head was roughly the size of a Yugo). But he was close in both categories.

The super-athletic O'Neal was the fourth-best center in basketball history, behind only Kareem, Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain. I used to get a kick out of when his critics would say, "All he can do is dunk." To which I'd respond: "Yeah, 15 or 20 times a game."

His biggest failing was his horrific free-throw shooting. He used to claim he made them all the time in practice. That cracked me up, because it meant he was admitting he was a choker who couldn't handle game pressure. In reality, Shaq was a damn good big-game performer. Still, he needed a great facilitator -- Kobe Bryant in L.A., Dwyane Wade in Miami -- to win his titles.

One thing for sure: Shaq was a wonderful character who marketed himself brilliantly and turned himself into an international brand. Sure, his movies sucked. But he made seven more of them -- and got paid handsomely for seven more of them -- than you or I did.

Sports needs more characters not fewer. Shaquille O'Neal will be missed.
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Winning legacy assured, Phil Jackson goes out a big loser

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Were Phil Jackson a lesser coach with a thinner resume, he might not have had the chance to retire after his team's showing in the NBA playoffs. He might have been fired at the final buzzer of his final game.

His Lakers had the look of an unprepared, out-of-control, uncoachable group of quitters and thugs.

Knowing Jackson as well as I do, it's hard to believe he mailed it in for Game 4 of the Dallas series. Having said that, what evidence was there that the Lakers were coached at all before or during that game?

It wasn't bad enough that they played with no heart? They also had to take cheap shots at the Mavericks, who deserve to be healthy going into the Western Conference finals?

If David Stern is as tough a commissioner as he claims to be, he will suspend Andrew Bynum for next season's first 20 games and Lamar Odom for at least 5. (If there is a next season, that is.)

As for Jackson, his legacy already was secure well before this debacle. He is the best coach I ever covered, better than anybody I've seen at getting selfish, spoiled millionaires to buy into a team concept. Yes, he was lucky enough to coach some of the greatest basketball players ever. That he turned that talent into 11 titles remains a remarkable achievement.

High schools, colleges and the NBA are filled with good X-and-O strategists. The best coaches are wizards at managing oversized egos. Nobody in the history of sports was better at it than Phil Jackson.

It's a shame he had to go out looking like a powerless loser.
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For Hall of Famer Worm, still time to be truly outrageous

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Dennis Rodman showed up at the Hall of Fame announcement wearing jeans, sneakers, sunglasses, a black baseball cap, a leopard-spot scarf and a white shirt with gold sequined cuffs. The other enshrinees-to-be wore suits, of course.

When he is inducted in August, Worm says, his personal designer will "make a lot of crazy stuff."

I'll say now what I told Rodman during one of our many fun conversations in the '90s: "Dennis, if you really want to be outrageous, show up with no facial jewelry and with your natural hair color (whatever that is). And for God's sake, wear a tux, tails and top hat. For you THAT would be outrageous!"

While I think it's cool that Worm got in the Hall of Fame based on his rebounding and defense -- he was a huge part of the personality of his era, not to mention an important contributor to five championship teams -- I fully understand the argument of those who thought his almost total lack of scoring ability should have kept him out.

What I don't understand is how it took so long for Tex Winter to get in.

One of basketball's great innovators and coaches deserved to be enshrined when he was young and healthy enough to fully appreciate it.
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Jimmer's not even a nose hair on basketball's Mount Rushmore

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Of all the silly things uttered by coach-turned-yakkers during the NCAA tournament's opening weekend, the silliest had to be St. Joseph's Phil Martelli saying Jimmer Fredette might be having the greatest season ever by a college basketball player.

Talk about a man-crush.

Greatest season ever? Helllloooo! Pick any of Oscar Robertson's seasons. Or Pete Maravich's.

How about Lew Alcindor? David Thompson? Bill Russell?

You want more recent? Is anything The Jimmer doing better than what Kevin Durant did as a Texas freshman in 2006-7? Or what Adam Morrison did at Gonzaga a year earlier?

OK, maybe Martelli meant that, given the relative lack of talent at BYU, Fredette might be the most important player to his team.

If that's what Martelli meant ... he's still delusional.

I mean, Larry Bird carried -- and I mean CARRIED -- Indiana State within an eyelash of the 1979 national title. Bill Bradley was a one-man show for Princeton's 1965 Final Four team. Jerry West and Magic Johnson had some pretty fair seasons for some OK teams, too.

Oh, and all Wilt Chamberlain did in his two years at Kansas was average about 30 points and 20 rebounds ... but I guess he was no Jimmer.

And those are just off the top of my chrome dome. If I felt like doing research, I'd probably come up with a dozen or two more.

Isn't it enough to say that The Jimmer probably is this year's top player, not to mention a guy who is darn fun to watch?

Isn't The Jimmer hyped enough without Phil Martelli suggesting he belongs on some kind of college hoops Mount Rushmore?

I'd like to give Martelli a pass and call him a smart guy who simply got swept up in Jimmer Fever.

Or I could take a page from Martelli's book and say that might have been the stupidest comment in television history.
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Hall Call: Worm 5, Reggie 0

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Interesting that Dennis Rodman was chosen as a hoops Hall of Fame finalist but Reggie Miller wasn't. I'm not sure which guy Michael Jordan disliked more!

Worm undoubtedly is one of the all-time great characters in the history of sports. He gave me two of the best interviews I had as a journalist, so there's a soft spot in my heart for the dude.

Rodman's personality was so large it's easy to forget that he probably was the best pound-for-pound rebounder in basketball history. Phil Jackson used to say Rodman was one of the smartest offensive and defensive players he's ever coached, too. Throw in his major role for five championship teams -- five more than Miller won -- and it's pretty much impossible to exclude him, no?

Then again, none of it really matters if Tex Winter doesn't finally get in. Given all he has accomplished, they might as well not even have a Hall of Fame if it doesn't include the architect of the triple-post offense.
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Happy 50th to Wayne Gretzky, a great one on and off the ice

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The Great One turned 50 on Wednesday, meaning he is just a few months younger than me. Makes me feel younger. Or older. I'm not sure which.

Some of my fondest memories of my years as a young AP hockey writer came from my many trips to Edmonton covering The Greatest Show on Ice.

Those immensely talented and entertaining Oilers were hockey's version of the Showtime Lakers, and Wayne Gretzky was his sport's Magic Johnson. Only better.

After Gretzky moved on to L.A., I made a trip to Winnipeg to cover his 2,000th point. It was an unheard-of achievement at the time ... and he went on to score nearly 1,000 more before he retired. And those don't even include the records he holds as hockey's all-time postseason goal-scorer and assist man.

I also got to cover him almost singlehandedly lifting the Kings to the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals -- only Wayne Gretzky could make Los Angeles a hockey town -- and his one Olympics as a player (Nagano in 1998, which also was my last Olympics).

As often was the case in my job, though, my favorite memory involving Gretzky was of something little, not of a big event like the Stanley Cup or Olympics.

He got off to a dreadful (for him) start in the lockout-shortened 1995 season. When the Kings came into Chicago for a game against the Blackhawks that March, I decided to do a story on him.

I didn't have to beg the Kings' media-relations people for access after the game-day skate. I simply waited for practice to end and for him to step off the ice. I asked if he had a minute; he gave me almost 15. And when another member of the media tried to join in, Gretzky politely waved him away and said, "I'm talking to this reporter now. Let us finish, please."

I never felt more important.

After he answered the many very tough questions I asked him about his rare slump, he shook my hand and said, "Thank you" even before I could thank him. He then spent a couple of minutes with others in the media before leaving the United Center.

This is an example of why most folks who have spent any time around Gretzky consider him one of the classiest, least-pretentious superstars in sports history.

No team sport athlete -- not Michael Jordan, not Babe Ruth, not Jim Brown, not anybody -- dominated his sport as completely and as long as Wayne Gretzky did.

That he was (and still is) such a good guy, too ... well, it seems almost impossible.
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Sparky knew how to treat special jocks specially

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The players would each remember Sparky Anderson's spring training speech a little bit differently in later years, but everyone recalled his main point. He announced that the Machine was made up of two kinds of players. First, there were the superstars. To be more specific, Sparky said, there were four superstars -- Pete Rose, Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan and Tony Perez. Those four made their own rules. Those four had no curfew. Those four had special privileges. If Johnny wanted to go golfing every so often during spring training, he could go. If Pete wanted to blow off some steam at the dog track, well, Sparky might give him a few extra bucks. If Joe needed to come in late so he could attend college classes, that was all right by Sparky. If Tony needed a little rest, then Sparky would fluff the pillow. Those four were royalty. "The rest of you," Sparky said, "are turds."

That excerpt from Joe Posnanski's book about the 1975 Cincinnati Reds -The Machine: A Hot Team, a Legendary Season, and a Heart-stopping World Series - highlights one of my favorite things about Sparky Anderson, who died Thursday.

Many fans get their undies in a bundle because the likes of Alex Rodriguez, Brett Favre, Alex Ovechkin and Steve Nash get "special treatment."

Hello! Wake up, people. Special athletes get special treatment. Always have, always will. Sparky, like every intelligent manager or coach in the history of sports, knew the score.

Bill Russell and Babe Ruth and Mario Lemieux and Terry Bradshaw got special treatment because their status merited it. If any teammate didn't like the Astros letting Roger Clemens skip certain road trips when he wasn't scheduled to pitch, all they had to do was say: "I'll tell you what; as soon as you win 350 games, you can skip road trips, too."

Phil Jackson treated Michael differently than he treated every other Bull. Then, he did the same for Shaq in L.A. Now, it's Kobe's turn. Phil Jackson wins championships.

The system works. In fact, it's probably the only system that can work.

And were Sparky still alive, he'd tell all of us turds the exact same thing.
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This has been a LeBron TV Production

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I was really surprised to hear that LeBron will announce his big decision in prime time Thursday on ESPN. I mean, to this point in his life, everything he's done has been so understated.

My sources tell me it's between the Grizzlies and the Bucks.

Kid all you want about the speculation and hype and rumors and such. All I know is that it can't be easy for LeBron to decide between playing one more year for the Vikings or riding tractors in Hattiesburg.

If the Bulls miss out on LeBron and D-Wade and Bosh, word is that they already have a contract ready for Ron Mercer.

Did I say the Grizzlies or Bucks? Now that Vinny Del Negro will coach the Clippers, how can LeBron resist being the No. 1 attraction for L.A.'s No. 4 pro hoops team? And psssst ... my informant tells me that LeBron will command even more money than most of the UCLA and USC kids do.

ESPN's hoops expert, Chris Broussard, put his reputation on the line Tuesday by predicting LeBron just might end up in New Jersey. Unless he goes to New York. Or Miami. Or Chicago. Or re-signs with Cleveland. Seems that Broussard's segment ran out of time before he could name the other 25 teams.

Kobe to Ubaldo and everything in between

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Of course, Kobe Bryant isn't the player Michael Jordan was, but maybe now we can say Kobe is 5/6ths Michael's greatness level, right?

Phil Jackson = Best Coach Ever (regardless of sport). If anybody has some kind of objective measurement to prove otherwise, I'm all ears.

Ray Allen choked. If only he had asked: "What Would Jesus (Shuttlesworth) Do?"

Great run by a great guy, my old Marquette compadre Doc Rivers.

Life isn't fair. How else to explaim a knucklehead like Ron Artest winning a championship in his one L.A. season but Karl Malone failing to do so?

Now that the NBA has gotten its annoying championship series out of the way, the official Kiss LeBron's Rump season can start in earnest.

Meanwhile, at the U.S. Open ...

Methinks it's time for Ryo Ishikawa to give that outfit back to the retired Florida grandma he stole it from.

I'd really like to play Pebble Beach someday. I just want somebody else to pay for my round. And for the two dozen Pro-V1s I'd lose. Is that asking too much?

While many golfers wore short sleeves for Round 1, Tiger Woods donned a long-sleeved fleece. Not that I'm calling any man who has been known to have sex 10 times a day with 10 different women a wimp or anything.

Other stuff:

Saying there is no need for four or more preseason games per team, the NFL finally is admitting it has been fleecing fans for decades.

The White Sox swept the Pirates! For the Cubbies' benefit, I repeat: The White Sox swept the Pirates!

I thought I was watching the World Cup, but the game on my TV actually had a score that wasn't 1-0 or 0-0, so I now realize it must have been something else.

I wouldn't have believed that Kosuke Fukudome led the Cubs to victory if I hadn't witnessed it for myself. (READ THE STORY I WROTE FOR AP.)

Both the coolest first name in sports and the most talent at his position. I mean, how lucky is Ubaldo Jimenez?

How 'bout that? Bulls actually hire legit coach

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As I wrote two years ago - the last time the Bulls had a coaching search - they waited so long that they might as well have held off a little longer to hire Tom Thibodeau, the best assistant available. Instead, they hired Vinny Del Snooze and then gave him no chance to succeed.

Well, the Bulls got it right this time.

I got to know Thibodeau two decades ago when he was a young assistant for the expansion Timberwolves under Bill Musselman. Even back then, he was prepared and hard-working and had a nice feel for the nuances of the game. He has served under several top coaches since then and has been an instrumental asset for Celtics coach Doc Rivers these last few years.

As they prepared to fire Del Negro, Bulls honchos intimated that they wanted their next coach to have significant NBA head-coaching experience. It's good that they changed their minds. Why limit the pool? Just because Vinny had never coached so much as fourth-grade girls basketball, it didn't mean they had to go to the opposite extreme and exhume Red Auerbach's body.

I mean, Phil Jackson had been "only" an assistant before he became the Bulls' coach, and that turned out pretty well.

It took the Bullish braintrust a ridiculous amount of time - 2 freakin' years - to find their man, but find him they did.

I guess the saying is right: Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.

Of Blackhawks, Pujols, Marquette memories and Cubbie angst

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Took a break for a bit. It was tough to sacrifice the huge paycheck I usually get for my work here at TBT, but that's the kind of guy I am.

Anyway, a few random thoughts ...

+++ As impressive as the Blackhawks have been - which is plenty damn impressive - it's still too early to assume they'll beat the Flyers and win their first Stanley Cup in the Color TV Era. Many, many, many times throughout history, a team has gone up 2-0 only to lose a series. In fact, the Hull-Mikita-Tony O-Martin-Pappin-Stapleton Blackhawks of 1971 did just that. So I'd advise Blackhawks fans - both longtime loyalists and Pucky-come-latelies - to enjoy every moment, cheer on the lads and keep their playoff beards growing.

+++ Nice to see Mark McGwire fix Albert Pujols because, you know, Pujols was nothing before Big Mac saved his career.

+++ Ubaldo Jimenez = Bob Gibson. Except Jimenez is dominating from a regular-height mound in a hitter-friendly era.

+++ The Nationals have handled the Stephen Strasburg situation perfectly every step of the way. Folks who disagree understand neither modern Major League Baseball nor economics.

+++ Those who know me well know that I root for no pro teams. Still, I can't acknowledge the pending Celtics-Lakers championship series without wishing best of luck to my former Marquette colleague, Glenn "Doc" Rivers - surely one of the worst soccer players ever to take Charlie Nader's team sports class.

+++ The Pirates beat the Cubs 6 times in May. They beat the other teams on their schedule 5 times. If you're waiting for a punch line, I don't need to provide it. The Cubs already have.

+++ And speaking of punch lines ... Aramis Ramirez is only one hot streak away from hiking his batting average all the way up to .175.

Bullish on Jax, less so on Pax

^

Let's take a look at the Dynastic Bull Scorecard, shall we?

10 - Phil Jackson, already with 10 NBA titles as a coach and 2 as a player, is closing in on the baker's dozen.

9 - Steve Kerr's Suns finally beat those dastardly Spurs and advanced to the Western Conference finals.

8 - B.J. Armstrong became an agent and quickly landed Derrick Rose as a client. Last month, B.J. sold his Highland Park mansion to new Bears savior Julius Peppers. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching!

7 - Scottie Pippen soon will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame.

6 - Bill Cartwright, cast aside by "buddy" John Paxson 7 years ago, is an assistant coach for the high-flying Suns.

5 - Michael Jordan's Bobcats scrapped their way into the playoffs but promptly got swept out.

4 - Luc Longley is a rich, happy, 7-foot surfer dude in Australia, mate.

3 - Bill Wennington is the only coherent member of the ex-Bulls big men announcer troika that also includes Stacey King and Dickey Simpkins.

2 - Dennis Rodman occasionally still finds some dupe to give him money just for being That Wacky Old Worm. When he's not being hauled off to jail for copping a feel at some Vegas bar, that is.

1 - Jerry Krause has been hired as an international scout by the White Sox and, sources say, is closing in on Dominican baseball's Dragan Tarlac.

0 - John Paxson turned the Bulls into laughingstocks, went into hiding and then crawled out from under his rock just long enough to make a martyr out of Vinny Del Negro.

Limiting Bulls to Van Gundys, Fratellos would be silly

^

We could start and end with Phil Jackson and our case would be made, but that would be no fun. So let's continue with ...

Gregg Popovich ... Rudy Tomjanovich ... Pat Riley ... Tom Heinsohn ... Bill Russell ... Al Attles ... Larry Costello ...

Yes, each of those coaches won a championship - many won multiple championships - for the franchise that gave him his first NBA head-coaching job.

And I'm not even counting Chuck Daly, who coached Cleveland to a 9-32 half-season record as an interim before the Pistons took a chance on him and were rewarded with two titles. Nor am I counting the many coaches who, while leading their first NBA team, led their franchises to the Finals but lost.

So for all of those who say the Bulls absolutely must hire a guy who already has been an NBA head coach - a.k.a. a retread - I answer only with a question:

Why?

Why have a knee-jerk reaction to the Vinny debacle, forgetting that he never had been so much as an assistant JV high school coach when John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf fell in love with him?

Why not consider all of the outstanding NBA assistants who are ready to take the next step?

Why limit the field by excluding guys who might turn out to be the next Phil Jackson or Pat Riley or Gregg Popovich?

OK, that was four questions. Shoot me with a Taser.

Icons R Us: From Favre to Kobe to Phil Ivey

^

The Bald Truth

Frankly, I didn't pay attention to a single thing Brett Favre said as he talked about getting ready to play his first game in Green Bay since becoming America's most famous vagabond since Jack Kerouac.

It was his tone of voice - almost catatonic, as if he had been awakened from a deep slumber just in time for his midweek press conference - that told me all I needed to know.

He is working so hard to seem low-key, it's obvious he's not. The man is as nervous and anxious as a teenage boy going to his first high-school dance.

Which is perfectly normal. Favre doesn't want to show up for the dance, trip over his own two feet and land face-down in the onion dip. Pretty hard to impress the ladies, the peers and the onlookers that way.

I'm guessing Favre will be received quite well by the folks who spent more than a decade and a half naming their kids Brett.

And he should be. Favre created wonderful memories for those Cheeseheads. He won them a championship. He restored pride in all things Packer. He played hard and with the enthusiasm of a rookie, even when he was old and gray. He never missed an opening coin toss, no matter how crappy he might have felt on a given day. He gave his life and blood for that organization.

Yeah, it ended weirdly. Yeah, in recent years he's been more wishy-washy than John Kerry on a bad day. Yeah, it sucks for Packerland to see Favre in freakin' purple.

But it's all worked out pretty well for the Packers, too. There certainly aren't many QBs better than Aaron Rodgers.

Of course, Favre is approaching Sunday's return with great anticipation. I'm really looking forward to the game, too - and I'm not a Packers fan, not a Vikings fan and, last I looked, not scheduled to play in it.

The Balder Truth

The NBA season has begun, so I'm just a little tardy with my predictions:

The Lakers will beat the Celtics in the NBA Finals.

Kobe will repeat as MVP.

The Spurs will take the Lakers to 7 games in the Western Conference finals.

The Cavaliers will win fewer games with Shaq than they did without him.

LeBron will start shopping for real estate in New York.

The Bulls will increase their win total from 41 to 43 and again will lose in the first round of the playoffs.

Will that convince John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf to extend Vinny Del Negro's contract? Only if they are fools.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Imagine Phil Mickelson turning in a Masters scorecard with the wrong score marked down at No. 12. Or Kevin Garnett shooting at the wrong end and scoring an important basket for the opponent in the NBA Finals. Or Peyton Manning looking right at a wide-open receiver in the end zone and, instead of throwing the ball, taking a knee in the third quarter of the Super Bowl. Or Derek Jeter forgetting how many outs there were in Game 5 of the World Series and throwing the ball into the stands to allow a run to score.

Hello, Phil Ivey.

ESPN The Magazine's latest cover boy as "The Best Poker Player On Earth," Ivey had what should have been a winning flush on Day 8 of the World Series of Poker's Main Event. Instead, he simply threw it away.

I'm not saying he folded because he wasn't sure he could beat his opponent. I'm saying the betting already had ended for the hand and his opponent already had shown his two-pair when Ivey, without taking another look at his two face-down cards, mucked his ace-high spade flush into the discard pile.

Incredible. The best poker player on the planet, playing on the game's biggest stage, simply forgot what he had in his hand.

The mistake cost Ivey more than 2 million chips and was a huge part of his free-fall from near the chip lead to the brink of elimination.

This all took place shortly after a pre-recorded interview in which Ivey spoke of his heightened concentration level and his determination to finally reach the Main Event final table - a destination that has eluded him forever.

It's a tribute to Phil's skill that he was able to recover and qualify for the final table. And it's a lesson - a rather refreshing one, too - that even the masters screw up royally.

Phil goes for 11, Yanks go for 27

^

The Bald Truth

This seems hard to believe, but my unimpeachable source swears it's true:

Now that he has received his 10th NBA championship ring and with his Lakers favored to win it all again, Phil Jackson has contacted Antonio Alfonseca to learn the secret behind growing a sixth finger on each hand.

The Balder Truth

Yes, Larry Johnson twice tweeted gay slurs. Yes, he told a sportswriter who asked about the tweets to "get your faggot ass out of here." Yes, in a prepared statement issued by his agent, the Chiefs' All-Pro-turned-All-Stiff has said he was sorry because "I did not intend to offend anyone." Yes, has been told by the team to take a hike.

And yes, I am outraged!

I mean, there once was a time when an insincere apology meant something.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Well, it's World Series time, which means it's time to break down how the Yankees and Phillies stack up against each other.*

*All this is contingent on the umps blowing a maximum of two calls per game.

1B: Mark Teixeira is a great fielder and he led the AL in HR and RBI, but, as Ryan Howard was heard to say: "I got chunks of guys like you in my stool!" Advantage ... Phillies

2B: Robinson Cano has become a good all-around player again but he's no Chase Utley. Unless, of course, Utley's right arm continues doing its Steve Sax/Chuck Knoblauch imitation. For argument's sake, let's figure that Chase will be all right. Advantage ... Phillies

3B: Pedro Feliz doesn't put up the kind of numbers Alex Rodriguez does. Duh! A-Rod's HGH is twice as good as any stuff Feliz can afford! Advantage ... Yankees

SS: We'll assume Jimmy Rollins is past getting benched for lack of hustle. Still, how can anybody pick against Derek Jeter, whose fundamentally perfect play is the sole reason the Yankees have won 26 championships? Gehrig Schmehrig! Advantage ... Yankees

LF: Even after four years in pinstripes, Johnny Damon still looks funny with cropped hair and a clean face. That alone would have cost him in a contest against Raul Ibanez, but Ben Francisco will be getting major PT in left while Ibanez does the DH thing. Advantage ... Yankees

CF: Melky Cabrera is OK, I guess, but Shane Victorino's very name spells "victori, no?" Advantage ... Phillies

RF: Nick Swisher being lost at the plate must feel like deja vu to White Sox fans. Meanwhile, Jayson Werth is the best ballplayer from Springfield since Homer Simpson in his prime. Advantage ... Phillies

C: With his big-game experience, Jorge Posada would seem the obvious choice. But A.J. Burnett will throw only to banjo-hitting Jose Molina. For the second straight postseason, Carlos Ruiz has stepped into the phone booth and turned into SuperCatcher. Or at least he would have if there were phone booths any more. Advantage ... Phillies

DH: When Ibanez is here, he's a nice match for Hideki Matsui. When it's Matt Stairs or Greg Dobbs, not so much. And in the three games in Philly, Godzilla will give the Yankees the most dangerous pinch-hitter in the series. Advantage ... Yankees

SP: The World Series already is stretched out, and a few rain days would make it possible for CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee to start a half-dozen times each. (Thank you, Cleveland!) Just because Pedro Martinez would drill Babe Ruth in the ass, it doesn't mean Pedrold should be the No. 2 pitcher for a championship team. Advantage ... Yankees

RP: Brad Lidge makes my head explode, so I can only imagine what he does to the phine pholks of Philly. He's great ... he's crap ... he's great ... he's crap. And right now, he's, um, who the hell knows? Then there's Mariano Rivera. About him, everybody the hell knows. Advantage ... Yankees

Prediction: It'll be close, as it should be. This ain't the BCS, ya know.

Yankees in 7.