I would have paid to see Cavs owner grovel at The King's feet!

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Good for Cleveland.

And good for LeBron.

When we last saw King James on a decision-making day, he was the lead actor in "The Decision," the ridiculous, narcissistic 2010 ESPN show on which he announced he was taking his talents to South Beach.

On Friday, he couldn't have been classier, penning an article for SI.com in which he explained his emotional ties to Northeast Ohio and said the draw to return home was just too great for him to resist. He complimented the Heat organization, called Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade his "brothers" and came out looking so much bigger than Dan Gilbert.

You remember Gilbert, right? He's the ass-hat of a Cavs owner who four years ago posted an infamous and infantile rant on the team's Web site in which he questioned LeBron's courage and character. Laughingly, he also predicted that he would would win a championship in Cleveland before LeBron did for Miami.

That LeBron returned to Cleveland anyway - for less money than he would have gotten from the Heat - practically suggests he should change his moniker from King James to Saint James.

Gilbert supposedly threw himself on the mercy of King James' court a few days ago, begging forgiveness and apologizing relentlessly. It must have been quite a scene, Gilbert groveling at the feet of the man he ripped four years earlier.

Of course, Gilbert wasn't sincere. He had four years to remove that tripe from the Web site and to apologize like a man, but he left it up there until just a few days ago - when, much to his surprise, James started sending out signals that he would return to Cleveland despite Gilbert.

Almost as funny as Gilbert's pathetic pleas for forgiveness: the conspiracy theorists who think that this was all an NBA plant. Not only did the Cavs win some draft lotteries lately, they now also have LeBron.

Oh, absolutely. Forget having viable teams in New York, L.A., Chicago, Miami, Philly and Boston. The one thing the NBA desperately wants is a winner in Cleveland.

As for what's left of the Heat, reports started surfacing Friday afternoon that Bosh would spurn the Rockets to stay in Miami (for more money, of course) and that maybe Wade would stay with him (though the Bulls also want Wade, and why wouldn't they?). The East is so weak that a Bosh-Wade pairing, surrounded by decent role players, probably would win 45-50 games next season.

Bosh and Wade come out of this smelling like roses, too. Both were willing to wait for James to finalize his decision before they did anything, and both apparently were willing to take major pay cuts had LeBron opted to stay in Miami.

The focus now is on Carmelo Anthony. He supposedly favors going to Chicago because the Bulls are so much better than the Knicks, but he'd be leaving some $50 million on the table to do so.

Fifty-million bucks! I mean, we're talkin' Nadel Money there!!

Now, I never begrudge anybody for going for the money; just don't take the money and then try to claim it's all about winning. Because if it's all about winning, he'd go play with Joakim Noah and a healthy (?) Derrick Rose instead of with a bunch of stiffs in New York.

It's been a fun week of speculation, and with Carmelo still a free agent it isn't done yet.

I genuinely am happy for my friends in Cleveland, who deserve to watch the greatest player in the world again. I only wish Dan Gilbert wouldn't be a major beneficiary, as well, because he deserves nothing but scorn.
^

If LeBron's a doody-head, Dan Gilbert's a double-doody-head

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Just for the heck of it, let's agree that every single word Cavs owner Dan Gilbert says about LeBron is true:

LeBron is a self-promoting, narcissistic,disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature jerk who quit on the Cavs in the playoffs each of the last two years.

Now consider this:

Gilbert was ready to give one of the richest contracts in the history of sports to a self-promoting, narcissistic, disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature quitter.

What does that say about Gilbert's intelligence, management savvy and ability to judge character?

Gilbert now is "guaranteeing" that his gutted Cavaliers will win a title before the James-Wade-Bosh triumverate does in Miami.

I'd happily take that bet and give Gilbert 3-to-1 odds.

Hey, if I were a Cavs fan, I'd take him at his word and buy the most expensive season-ticket package the team sells - as long as the loyal, honorable, non-narcissistic Gilbert's guarantee is of the 100-percent-refund variety.

And speaking of money-back guarantees ...

My son Ben and his buddy, Billy, couldn't resist. A couple of weeks ago, each bought a 2010-11 season ticket to the Bulls on the chance that the team would land LeBron, which would have given the ducats some serious value.

Oh well ... at least Ben and Billy didn't buy 10 years ago in anticipation of Tim Duncan, Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady coming to Chicago - the last time the Bulls cleared out salary-cap space for what was then hailed as the greatest free-agent class ever.

Besides, the boys probably still will be able to make a tidy profit on quite a few games - especially the two against LeBron's Heat (but probably not when the Bulls face Gilbert's 25-win Cavs).

D-Wade gets his man ... but first, another commercial

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You know, ESPN couldn't have milked the LeBron deal any more if Jim Gray had pulled up a stool and started squeezing LeBron's udders.

So now the Heat has - or is it the Heat have? I never really know - LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh. Sources say they'll soon be joined by Aquaman and Wonder Woman to form the greatest Justice League ever!

Though Clevelanders are downright pissed at him right now, LeBron actually was kind of unselfish with this decision. Really. He could have made more money with the Cavs, could have scored more endorsements with the Bulls and could have been an international icon with the Knicks. He really did choose the most likely championship situation. How 'bout that?

D-Wade didn't have to change teams. He added the best teammate in the league. He increased his odds of multiple titles significantly. And he came out of it with the biggest paycheck of them all. Oh, and Florida doesn't even have a state sales tax.

Yep, the man is so smart, it's almost as if he went to Marquette!

From incomplete Bull to goofy golf

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It's hard to blame Reinsdorf & Co. for failing to land any of LeBron, D-Wade or Bosh. I mean, they had to take the chance and all it really cost them was Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon and a decent chunk of self-esteem.

It's not like 1998, when they ran the best coach in history, the best player in history and perhaps the best sidekick in history out of town - thus breaking up one of the best dynasties in history at least a half-decade prematurely - so they could get lousy and load up on high draft picks and free agents only to end up with Curry, Fizer, Floyd and Mercer.

And Kornel David, of course.

Oh, and don't forget that the Bulls could have had D-Wade all this time but Pax refused to trade Donyell Marshall for the right to move up in the '03 draft. How'd that work out?

On a more important note ...

One reason I like golf is that something unique seems to happen every round. I got an urge to play a quick 9 Wednesday so I went to the closest park district course. I got paired with 3 other guys and it was fun - albeit hot as h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

Anyway, we got to the 8th hole, a short par-3. One of the guys put his tee shot on the back of the huge green, which would have been great except the flag was at the front, about 65-70 feet away.

Eventually, the other 3 of us joined him on the green and as he walked up to his ball, I laughed and said: "That's a gimme. Pick it up."

And you know what? He did. Put the ball in his pocket and walked away. Pretty sure he marked a 2 down on his scorecard, too.

Jeesh. Even Tiger doesn't try that kind of cheating.

This has been a LeBron TV Production

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I was really surprised to hear that LeBron will announce his big decision in prime time Thursday on ESPN. I mean, to this point in his life, everything he's done has been so understated.

My sources tell me it's between the Grizzlies and the Bucks.

Kid all you want about the speculation and hype and rumors and such. All I know is that it can't be easy for LeBron to decide between playing one more year for the Vikings or riding tractors in Hattiesburg.

If the Bulls miss out on LeBron and D-Wade and Bosh, word is that they already have a contract ready for Ron Mercer.

Did I say the Grizzlies or Bucks? Now that Vinny Del Negro will coach the Clippers, how can LeBron resist being the No. 1 attraction for L.A.'s No. 4 pro hoops team? And psssst ... my informant tells me that LeBron will command even more money than most of the UCLA and USC kids do.

ESPN's hoops expert, Chris Broussard, put his reputation on the line Tuesday by predicting LeBron just might end up in New Jersey. Unless he goes to New York. Or Miami. Or Chicago. Or re-signs with Cleveland. Seems that Broussard's segment ran out of time before he could name the other 25 teams.