Kardashian dumping Humphries ... how gay!

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The reality TV wedding of talentless Kim Kardashian and NBA benchwarmer Kris Humphries earned the bride 18 million bucks. It also earned the groom endless humiliation, what with Kardashian having filed for divorce after less than 2 1/2 months of wedded bliss.

All I can say is thank goodness it wasn't a gay wedding!

Because that would have been a crime against the sanctity of marriage.

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If LeBron's a doody-head, Dan Gilbert's a double-doody-head

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Just for the heck of it, let's agree that every single word Cavs owner Dan Gilbert says about LeBron is true:

LeBron is a self-promoting, narcissistic,disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature jerk who quit on the Cavs in the playoffs each of the last two years.

Now consider this:

Gilbert was ready to give one of the richest contracts in the history of sports to a self-promoting, narcissistic, disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature quitter.

What does that say about Gilbert's intelligence, management savvy and ability to judge character?

Gilbert now is "guaranteeing" that his gutted Cavaliers will win a title before the James-Wade-Bosh triumverate does in Miami.

I'd happily take that bet and give Gilbert 3-to-1 odds.

Hey, if I were a Cavs fan, I'd take him at his word and buy the most expensive season-ticket package the team sells - as long as the loyal, honorable, non-narcissistic Gilbert's guarantee is of the 100-percent-refund variety.

And speaking of money-back guarantees ...

My son Ben and his buddy, Billy, couldn't resist. A couple of weeks ago, each bought a 2010-11 season ticket to the Bulls on the chance that the team would land LeBron, which would have given the ducats some serious value.

Oh well ... at least Ben and Billy didn't buy 10 years ago in anticipation of Tim Duncan, Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady coming to Chicago - the last time the Bulls cleared out salary-cap space for what was then hailed as the greatest free-agent class ever.

Besides, the boys probably still will be able to make a tidy profit on quite a few games - especially the two against LeBron's Heat (but probably not when the Bulls face Gilbert's 25-win Cavs).

Big trade news from Halladay Land

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The Bald Truth

Well, it finally happened, folks: the big trade that Toronto fans had been anticipating for weeks.

Yes, Roy Halladay ... is getting another superstar in his city!!

Welcome to Canada, new Raptor Marco Belinelli.

Labatts for everybody!

And to think, all the Raptors had to give the Warriors was Devean George and a Skydome suite from which to watch every game Halladay pitches for the Blue Jays next season.

The Quote

"I wish I could cuss right now." - Hawk Harrelson, after his beloved White Sox lost again to the Twins at the Humpty Dome.

The Balder Truth

Jerry Reinsdorf is buying the Phoenix Coyotes, and you know what that means:

From North Carolina ... at right wing ... No. 45 ... Michael Jordan!

The Quote II

"Yeah, everything surprises me." - Cubs rookie Randy Wells when asked if anything about his success as a big-league pitcher has surprised him.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Congrats to the Phillies, who were able to get ace lefty Cliff Lee from the Indians without giving up any of the big-time prospects Toronto demanded in any Roy Halladay deal.

And congrats to the Indians, too. They have acquired so many youngsters for the likes of Lee, CC Sabathia and Mark DeRosa that they already are the overwhelming favorite to win the 2010 College World Series.

KO is OK ... for those who like it a little rough

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Kevin O'Neill, the coach who once told me he preferred the NBA to college hoops because, "In the NBA, I never have to lie to an 18-year-old's mother," has succeeded disgraced cheater Tim Floyd as the new guy at USC.

And those of us who know Kevin - especially the fact that Ozzie Guillen is linguistically refined in comparison - know here's what O'Neill would have to say about his new gig:

Hot bleepin' damn! I'm the new bleepin' coach at U bleepin' S bleepin' C! And anybody who don't bleepin' like it can go bleep themselves!

Trojans everywhere must be so bleepin' proud.

Bulls get what they deserve: date with Celtics

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The Bald Truth

Because I have so many better things to do than watch Bulls games on television - spend time with my family, send e-mails to friends, clip my toenails, pretty much anything qualifies - I only watched snippets of the Bulls' ridiculous and costly Wednesday night loss to the Raptors.

And in practically every snippet I watched, the Raptors were scoring on dunks and layups and wide-open 15-footers. 

The Bulls' loss (to a team that has been out of the playoff picture since November), combined with the 76ers' victory over a Cavs club that was resting everybody (including LeBron), means the Bulls will have to face Boston instead of Orlando in the first round of the playoffs.

Not that the Bulls were going to beat the Magic - I mean, if Patrick O'Bryant had his way with them, how badly would Dwight Howard have folded, spindled and mutilated them? - but they have no chance against the defending champion Celtics.

Yeah, but what if Kevin Garnett can't play or is limited in what he can do? Hello! Was KG on the court for Toronto? Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo and the rest of Boston's finest will be far more than the Bulls can handle. 

For the zillionth time, it's fair to wonder about Vinny Del Negro. 

The coach can't motivate his team to get up for an important home game against the Raptors? He can't do something - anything - to keep the Bulls from falling behind big in almost every game, a trend that will bury them in the playoffs? He can't get his lads to play even a lick of defense?

I'm not pinning this all on Vinny. It's not as if John Paxson has given Del Negro a great team. But an outstanding coach might be able to steal a playoff series with the Bulls' roster, and nobody will will mistake Del Negro for that. 

The Quote

"From the jump ball, we got outworked. They had better energy, moved the ball better. We couldn't get stops and didn't move the ball. They outhustled us on the glass. We were lackadaisical. I'm disappointed with our effort and our urgency ... " - Vinny Del Negro

As I was saying ...

The Prediction

Celtics in 5. Only because KG isn't 100 percent. And because I'm feeling generous.

The Balder Truth

It was Jason Marquis vs. Rich Harden - the pitcher the Cubs had to get because they couldn't trust Jason Marquis.

What a mismatch!

For the Rockies.

They got seven strong innings - and a two-run single - from Marquis in smacking Harden and the Cubbies all over Wrigley Field.

Those baseball gods have one heck of a sense of humor. 

On a different note, good stuff from Colorado manager Clint Hurdle. After Huston Street opened the ninth inning by allowing a homer, a walk and a single, Hurdle yanked his closer and went with Jason Grilli, who promptly earned the save.

Too often, managers let their closers go down in flames. Why? "Because he's my closer." Well, unless your closer is Mariano Rivera or a select few others, get somebody ready in the bullpen just in case. 

If your closer is too sensitive to handle that, he's not tough enough to be your closer anyway.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

So Chris Carpenter works like crazy to return from arm problems that would have ended a lot of pitchers' careers. He comes back, pitches great and gets Redbird rooters all excited about their heroes' chances. And then he strains the left side of his rib cage while swinging a bat?

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for the guy because he's got more money than the rest of us combined, but jeesh!

Oh, and speaking of the Cardinals, I'll be at Thursday's Cubs-Cards game making my glorious return as an AP scribe (although this time only as a freelancer). After all I've covered these last 27 years this probably sounds silly, but I actually am a little nervous.

Here's hoping it's the "good nerves" athletes are always talking about.