Finally time for the Finals!

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The NHL is the most egalitarian league. If you make it to the playoffs, you have a chance. Not a chance only in a cliche kind of way - I mean, every team that makes the playoffs in every sport thinks it has a chance even though the opposite is true - but a legitimate shot at winning the Stanley Cup.

Look at what the L.A. Kings, who finished sixth in the Western Conference during the season, have done to reach the Stanley Cup Final. They fell behind the Sharks 3 games to none but stormed back to win the series, taking Games 5 and 7 on the road. They then met the Ducks, the No. 1 seed, and fell behind 3 games to 2 before winning the last two games. Then came the defending Cup champion Blackhawks. This time, the Kings got the 3-1 series lead and let Chicago back in it before rallying from a late Game 7 deficit to win in OT.

On L.A.'s winning goal, Al Martinez flipped a soft 50-foot shot from the point. The puck appeared to nick somebody's stick in the shot, changing directions slightly. Its trajectory continued upward until it hit the shoulder of Chicago defenseman Nick Leddy. That changed the direction of the puck yet again, and it fluttered past goalie Corey Crawford and into the net. Wow!

When was the last time an NBA team made it to the Finals on a basket that deflected off an opponent's shoulder?

Whereas David Tyree's catch in the 2008 Super Bowl is considered one of the most miraculous (and fortuitous) plays in sports history, goals like Martinez's happen ALL THE TIME in the NHL. Luck is a bigger factor in hockey than in any other sport, as the puck takes wild bounces constantly. Then there's the goaltender factor - a hot goalie can (and has) carried seemingly inferior teams to great heights. There is no real equivalent in other sports.

So with the Kings getting great goaltending from Jonathan Quick - a native of my hometown of Milford, Conn. - and getting even greater bounces at the most crucial moments, they were able to win three Game 7s, all on the road. Amazing.

By comparison, the Rangers had an easy road to the Final, although the Eastern Conference's No. 5 seed did have to overcome a 3-games-to-1 deficit to defeat the heavily favored Penguins in the second round.

So the Final, which starts Wednesday, will pit the clubs that had the league's 9th- and 12th-best records.

Is it a total cop-out to predict that the luckiest team will win?

Yes? Tough, because that's the best I can do!

+++

Meanwhile, it was far easier to predict what happened in the NBA, where the team with the best regular-season record (Spurs) will meet the two-time defending champs (Heat). What else is new?

I can't remember the last time the NBA produced a true surprise at this stage - and that's fine, too. We have the NHL for that. The NBA tends to reward teams for proven, sustained excellence.

I enjoy watching the Heat thanks to the amazing LeBron James. Plus, his second fiddle is Dwyane Wade, arguably the greatest basketball player in Marquette history.

Even with those stars, however, Heat games sometimes are boring because they can be slow-paced defensive battles. LeBron and Wade also tend to go 1-on-1 quite often, which leads to a lot of standing around by their teammates and a lot of 3-pointers jacked at the 24-second-clock buzzer.

The Spurs, on the other hand, are almost always a pleasure to watch. They share the ball beautifully and play sound fundamental basketball. They also are much taller than the Heat, helping to create even more of a contrast of styles.

The teams met in a memorable NBA Finals last year. The Spurs seemingly had the title won in Game 6 but a questionable coaching decision by the usually outstanding Gregg Popovich helped cost his team the game and, eventually the title. (Popovich inexplicably benched Tim Duncan down the stretch, leading to Chris Bosh grabbing key offensive rebounds, including one that set up Ray Allen's tying 3-pointer.)

Now Popovich and the Spurs get a chance at revenge ... and it says here that they'll get it.

The Spurs have homecourt advantage, which is always huge but is even bigger now that the league has returned to a 2-2-1-1-1 format for the Finals. The change (from 2-3-2) means the Spurs will be home not just for Game 7 if necessary but also for the always pivotal fifth game.

Beyond that, I just like the way the Spurs match up with the Heat. Popovich can go big and the Heat really can't answer that. Popovich can, however, match the Heat if both teams want to go small. Kawhi Leonard is an excellent defender who will make LeBron work for everything, and if Manu Ginobili's shot is on, he will cause big problems for the Heat.

And I just talked about two Spurs difference-makers without even mentioning future Hall of Famers Duncan and Tony Parker.

The Heat will need Bosh to justify his $100 million salary and also will need major contributions from several supporting players, most notably Allen, Mario Chalmers and a couple of bigs.

I'm saying Spurs in 6, and they won't even need a basket that deflects off of Udonis Haslem's earlobe to do it.
^

Today's High 5: Clemens "not guilty" ... but probably not Hall bound

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5. OK, so Roger Clemens is officially "innocent." Can we please start spending tax dollars on something that actually matters to society?

Like, perhaps, appointing me Czar of Sports Hackery?

4. Yes, Jim Furyk imploded in a collapse that, while not quite Vandeveldeian or Normanian (or even Cubbian), certainly was impressive. And yes, some poser named Eldrick Woods fell apart on Saturday and Sunday, proving for the umpteenth time that he's nowhere near being Tiger again.

But give Webb Simpson credit. While others around him were fading away in the San Fran fog, he was shooting a 68-68 over the weekend on a course that seemed only slightly more fun than a Seamus Romney road trip.

Simpson not only outlasted everybody, he outplayed everybody. He made the most big shots on championship Sunday. And that, my friends, is how you win a U.S. Open.

3. I remember having a discussion at the end of the 2007 NFL season with another scribe during which we concluded that LaDainian Tomlinson was one of the top five running backs we had seen, right up there with Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith, O.J. Simpson and Barry Sanders. (We both are too young to remember Jim Brown.)

After that discussion, L.T. had an injury-plagued 1,100-yard season, followed by two sub-par (for him) years, followed by last season's slog as a specialty back for the mediocre Jets.

And now he has retired at the ripe old age of 32.

Life as an NFL runner is glamorous for a short spell but certainly isn't easy.

2. Finally, LeBron James is looking and acting and sounding and, most importantly, playing like a guy who cares more about winning than anything else.

He's only two wins away from proving he belongs to be mentioned in the same breath as the Michaels, Kobes and Magics.

Of course, he's also only three losses away from having more scorn rained down upon him than any Twitter-era athlete ever has experienced.

Kind of makes you root for him a little, no?

No? OK.

1. So now that Clemens has been found not guilty of perjury and all other charges against him in a trial that cost taxpayers a mere 3 million bucks, what are his chances of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

Answer: not too good.

Based on how voting has gone down the last few years, if a guy even is suspected slightly of having used steroids, he gets the short shrift from the Baseball Writers Association of America. And despite Monday's verdict, more than a little suspicion remains about Roger. He will be shunned big-time.

I am leaning toward voting for him because I believe he had a Hall of Fame record of accomplishment before his juicing reportedly began.

Having said that, I probably won't vote for him this December, when he appears on the ballot for the first time.

I've never been a voter who has differentiated between "regular" Hall of Famers and first-ballot Hall of Famers. It never bothered me that some of my peers reserved first-ballot status only for the best of the best, but I always felt that if a guy deserved a Hall vote, he deserved it ... period.

I think I'll change things up for the few Roid Boyz that I deem Hall worthy. If they're going to get my vote at all, they're going to have to wait for it.

Why? Because I have the power to make them wait, that's why.
^

Dopey discourse about Rose and Thibodeau

^
Plenty of folks actually think Tom Thibodeau is to blame for Derrick Rose's torn ACL. Apparently, a coach is supposed to take out all of his best players with a 12-point lead and 1:20 to go in a playoff game.

If so, Erik Spoelstra must really be an idiot. The Heat led the Knicks by 12 with about a minute to go tonight, and LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh were still playing. It's a miracle all three weren't hurt by a falling scoreboard or three banana peels on the court.

Stupid Spoelstra. Coaching to win. Coaching to make sure his team wasn't victimized by a remarkable comeback, kind of like when Reggie Miller scored 8 points in 9 seconds against the Knicks back in '95 ... or, hey, like when the Clippers came back from a 27-point fourth-quarter deficit just 24 hours ago.

Dopey Spoelstra. Dopey Thibideau. Even though there isn't a coach in the entire NBA -- and probably not in major-college basketball, either -- who feels safe with a 12-point lead with 80 seconds to go, they should have had all of their scrubs playing.

Fools. It's a wonder they even have coaching jobs.
^

A damn shame: Rose finished, and so are Bulls

^

Derrick Rose planted his left foot and "heard something pop."That something was the Bulls' title chances.

I'm neither a Bulls fan nor a Bulls hater, but I hate this. I hate that Rose's season had to end this way. And I hate that a Bulls team that was good enough to win it all now has little hope to do so.

Like life itself, sports ain't fair.

Ask the Carolina Tar Heels, who lost their point guard just as they were starting to look like a championship team. Ask Peyton Manning's Colts, who learned this past season about the fragile line between being a title contender and a laughingstock. Ask any team that thought it had a legitimate chance at a special season only to see it blown apart by an injury to a star player.

And Rose wasn't just another star. In a league of great point guards, he was the best last season. Hell, he was the best player at any position, easily winning the MVP. This season, the Bulls built a team around him that was ready to go for the gold. Even though he had to miss a couple dozen games nursing a variety of injuries, I thought the Bulls would be OK because, unlike many players during this compressed season, he would be relatively fresh for the playoffs.

With 23 points, 9 rebounds and 9 assists, Rose looked plenty fresh (albeit a little rusty) in Saturday's dismantling of the 76ers. But with less than a minute and a half to go, his knee gave out. Torn ACL. Season over.

The Bulls did amazingly well when playing without Rose this season, but let's be real. There's a reason C.J. Watson and John Lucas III have been backups their entire careers. 

After beating the Sixers, the Bulls will have a difficult time in the next round against either the Celtics or Hawks. And if they somehow survive that series, their luck surely will run out against the Heat in the Eastern finals.

And that's a damn shame.

With Derrick Rose, the Bulls were good enough to send LeBron and D-Wade packing.

Without him, they're just another team destined to end its season with a question that starts with the words "What" and "if."

^

LeBron's not humble? Duh! A pleasant surprise: Cuban is

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Here's what LeBron said about all the haters shortly after he spit the bit and his Heat lost to the Mavs in the Finals:

"All the people that were rooting for me to fail … tomorrow they hafta wake up and have the same life that (they had) before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m gonna continue to live the way I wanna live and continue to do the things I want to do."

Arrogant? Sure. Bitter? Absolutely. Accurate? Mostly.

Almost certainly, LeBron has a better life than the vast majority of his haters. He's rich and powerful and loved by plenty of people. His comment might piss folks off, but I'm guessing that many of them would happily trade their lives for his.

Moreover, his comment is a pretty accurate assessment of how most pro athletes -- as well as big-time entertainers, moguls and other "haves" -- view the have-nots out here in Peon Land.

Pay hundreds of dollars to watch me play. Buy the sneakers and Nutella I'm selling. Worship me. And if you don't like something I do, screw ya ... I don't need ya, anyway.

It doesn't mean athletes are "good guys" or "bad guys." It's just the way it is.

It's not easy being humble when peons have been kissing your keister for most of your life.

---

And on a more positive note, how about Mark Cuban insisting he will pick up the tab for the Mavs' victory parade?

Dallas, like almost every city, is practically broke and has far more important bills to pay. Yet if Cuban didn't offer, the city certainly would have sprung for the celebration -- as pretty much every other city of a championship team has done forever.

Maybe this will start a trend: Billionaires not insisting upon handouts from their communities for things they can pay for using the loose change they find between their sofa cushions.

Maybe ... but I'm not holding my breath.
^

Today's High 5 - NBA Finals edition

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5. LeBron haters, led by classless Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, are in heaven. The Evil One not only lost in the NBA Finals but looked pretty feeble in doing so.

Only a pathetic loser wastes so much time and energy hating an athlete for merely making a basketball decision.

4. At the same time, I have little sympathy for LeBron, whom some have painted as a pitiable victim. He faced an unfair amount of scrutiny, his apologists claim.

Please. He couldn't have handled his exit from Cleveland more poorly. He made his choice. He gets to live with the consequences.

Bottom line: In the most important games of his career, when he had a chance to make the haters eat crow, he pissed down his leg.

3. My fellow Marquetter Dwyane Wade did his best to carry LeBron during the Finals but he, too, cracked under pressure. At least he's already got his ring.

2. In a move even bolder than the '85 Bears doing the Super Bowl Shuffle at midseason, Mavs guard Jason Terry got a tattoo of the NBA championship trophy. After some early-series struggles, he played huge in the final two games and earned the right to keep his ink.

Terry, Jason Kidd, Shawn Marion and several other Dallas veterans showed how hard work, stick-to-itiveness and teamwork can yield incredible results.

Those were good stories for the victors, and yet I was more interested in the one authored by Tyson Chandler. Practically run out of Chicago by a Bulls management team that thought he lacked heart, the Mavs center got one important offensive rebound after another.

Who'd have thought he'd be the first post-Jordan Bulls draft pick to win an NBA title?

1. Larry Bird averaged 24 points, 10 rebounds and 6 assists during his amazing career, rescued a Celtics franchise that had lost its way and led Boston to three titles -- including one in just his second season.

There isn't a soul who would compare Dirk Nowitzki to Bird if both men weren't white. Nowitzki is no Larry Bird.

That being said, it was nice to see Dirk win his first title and play so well in taking the Mavs to their first ever championship.

His fourth-quarter offensive performances throughout the playoffs helped erase the bitter memory of his 2006 choke job in the Finals. It must have been a huge weight off his shoulders.

This time, he completely took charge -- just as Bird and Jordan and Magic did in their day. And just as LeBron couldn't do for the Heat.
^

Thankfully, I avoided stepping on Shaq's toe

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In what seems a lifetime ago, I covered the 1993 NBA All-Star Game in Salt Lake City for AP. Looking back, two things stand out:

1. A few other sportswriters and I went out for lunch the day of the game. It started snowing lightly as we got out of the cab and entered the restaurant. About an hour later, there had to have been a foot and a half of snow on the ground. It was the biggest, fastest blizzard I ever had seen. And that's saying something, because I lived in Minnesota for almost 10 years.

2. My game assignment was to write about Shaquille O'Neal, the NBA's rookie sensation. I can't remember what I wrote, but I do remember getting into the locker room as quickly as possible after the game and planting myself next to Shaq's locker. Even back then, he was a notorious quiet-talker, so I knew the microphone on my tape recorder wouldn't pick up a thing he said if I didn't stand thisclose. He came out of the shower and sat down on his chair, and his huge left foot literally was an inch from my right shoe. I was barely listening to what he said because all I kept thinking was, "Mike, you clod, don't step on one of this guy's toes!"

Shaq was neither the best center I ever covered (that would have been Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) nor the largest human I ever saw (the Jazz had a center named Mark Eaton, whose head was roughly the size of a Yugo). But he was close in both categories.

The super-athletic O'Neal was the fourth-best center in basketball history, behind only Kareem, Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain. I used to get a kick out of when his critics would say, "All he can do is dunk." To which I'd respond: "Yeah, 15 or 20 times a game."

His biggest failing was his horrific free-throw shooting. He used to claim he made them all the time in practice. That cracked me up, because it meant he was admitting he was a choker who couldn't handle game pressure. In reality, Shaq was a damn good big-game performer. Still, he needed a great facilitator -- Kobe Bryant in L.A., Dwyane Wade in Miami -- to win his titles.

One thing for sure: Shaq was a wonderful character who marketed himself brilliantly and turned himself into an international brand. Sure, his movies sucked. But he made seven more of them -- and got paid handsomely for seven more of them -- than you or I did.

Sports needs more characters not fewer. Shaquille O'Neal will be missed.
^

Hey Derrick Rose: Even MJ knew he didn't ALWAYS have to be The Man

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The Bald Truth

Love Derrick Rose's game. Love it! As he matures, however, he has to realize that he need not always take the final shot -- even though he's by far the best player on the Bulls.

Late in regulation time Tuesday, the Bulls had two chances to beat the Heat on the road and even the series. Both times, Rose tried to take jump shots over LeBron James, who is at least a half-foot taller and can jump just as high. Predictably, both shots missed.

On both occasions, Rose had open teammates. Luol Deng, who has hit numerous big shots, would have been an obvious alternative.

(Overall, I've been impressed by Tom Thibodeau's coaching -- and, in fact, lobbied three years ago for the Bulls to hire him instead of Vapid Vinny Del Negro. Still, it's hard to say Thibodeau wasn't out-coached by Eric Spoelstra with the whole LeBron-on-DRose situation.)

Doesn't the superstar always take the big shot? Didn't Rose's hero, Michael Jordan?

Most of the time, yes. But not always.

John Paxson hit the championship-winning 3-pointer in 1993, with Jordan later saying: "Once Paxson got the ball, I knew it was over."

In 1997, it was Steve Kerr who took a pass from Jordan and won the title with a 15-footer. In the time-out before the play, MJ went out of his way to tell Kerr to be ready if John Stockton left Kerr to double-team Jordan. Stockton indeed left Kerr, and both Jordan and Kerr were prepared to make history.

Even Jordan's famed 55-point "Double Nickel" Spectacular at Madison Square Garden in '95 ended with Jordan feeding Bill Wennington for the winning basket.

So yes, Rose should be prepared to carry his team. That's what MVPs do. Sometimes, though, the shot simply isn't there. And on those occasions, the MVP has to be smart and brave enough to trust his teammates.

That's what they're there for.

The End Is Near

I will be very sad when the Bulls-Heat series ends, and it has nothing to do with the Bulls' precarious predicament.

The end of the series means the end of TNT's broadcasts. And that means no more Marv Albert until next season (if there even is a next season for the NBA).

The guy is such a pleasure to listen to, it makes me want to wear a toupee and bite some broad's back.

The Balder Truth

Good thing for the Bulls that Bennett Salvatore wasn't officiating Game 6 of the '98 NBA Finals.

In the closing seconds of regulation Tuesday, he ignored the unwritten NBA commandment "Thou Shalt Not Call Fouls On Superstars With The Game On The Line" and had the cajones to make a great offensive foul call on LeBron -- who had used his free arm to shove Ronnie Brewer.

It's fun to wonder if Salvatore would have made a similarly bold call against Jordan, who clearly shoved Utah's Bryon Russell out of the way before hitting the famed jumper that won the title in MJ's final game as a Bull.

Just Asking

In three years under Coach K, how is it possible that Carlos Boozer didn't learn to play even a little defense?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

How hard up must ESPN be for NBA analysts if they are turning to Vapid Vinny for insight into the Bulls-Heat series?

As usual, Del Negro offered nothing of substance and repeatedly used cliches. He even disagreed with TNT's outstanding analyst pair -- Kerr and Reggie Miller -- by saying it was Rose's responsibility to attempt those difficult jumpers over LeBron.

Yep, Vapid Vinny truly sounded like a guy who deserves to coach the Clippers.

Not calling 'em like they see 'em

^
The Rapture didn't work for me. I got all the way to Heaven and was done in by my allergies to harps and wings. So I'm back, baby ...

Those who dislike NBA basketball often talk about the refs' refusal to call traveling, but here are the five calls/non-calls that really drive me nuts:

5. Offensive guys jumping into defenders but still getting to go to the free-throw line. What ever happened to the principle of verticality?

4. Three-second violation. It's called so infrequently, the NBA might as well just change it to a 12-second violation.

3. Palming. These guys take 2, 3, 5 steps between dribbles. And then the refs call a foul on the defender. Where's the justice?

2. Lane violations on free throws. It's gotten to the point where I half expect the refs to call a violation on the one guy who doesn't enter the lane before the shot is released.

1. Moving screens. This is my personal pet peeve because every time a player is allowed to set one, it creates an enormous, unfair advantage for the offense. And this isn't just a problem in pro hoops. The year Illinois went to the NCAA title game, I counted 17 uncalled moving screens on James Augustine in one game. Given his "production" at that facet of play, I'm surprised he didn't make it in the NBA!

Despite all of this, I still enjoy the NBA playoffs. And I still respect NBA refs, who probably have the most difficult officiating job in all of sports but seem to get the most important calls right about 95 percent of the time.
^

Chilly reception for Heat in Chi-town

^
Dwyane looked a step slow and LeBron looked distracted. Having said that, the Bulls were so freakin' impressive in Game 1, it would be an injustice to say they won only because Wade and James were off.

The Bulls completely out-hustled, out-shot, out-defended and out-coached the Heat. They won by 21 points, and the game wasn't really that close.

For all of their high-priced individual talent, if the Heat can't keep Joakim Noah and the rest of the Bulls from dominating the offensive boards, they can't win the series. Period.
^

LeBron's tears, Bo's jeers and a Tea-Bagger's Marquette "career"

^
Several Heat players were crying in the locker room after Sunday's home loss to the Bulls.

Sources say LeBron and Dwyane handed each of the weepers a hundy to dry their eyes.

In other basketball news, kudos to the marketing folks at The Ohio State University for their brutally brilliant response to Bo Ryan's unapologetic suggestion that Buckeyes star Jared Sullinger just "deal with it" after Wisconsin fans supposedly spat on him last month.

Before Sunday's rematch in Columbus, some 1,400 students were given red towels emblazoned with the phrase DEAL WITH IT. Sullinger and the Buckeyes then dealt with the Badgers, rolling to a lopsided win to wrap up a 29-2 regular season and Big Ten title.

Word is, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker was so impressed that he ordered 50,000 of the towels to give to teachers in his state.

A day earlier -- the same day that my beloved Golden Warrior Eagles fell apart in a must-win game at Seton Hall -- I learned that Walker was a fellow Marquette alumnus. I was pretty depressed until just a little research revealed that the Tea Party darling isn't really a fellow MU alum at all. See, to be an alum, one must have graduated.

When Walker dropped out after three-plus years, he was nowhere near getting his degree. Seems he had flunked and/or dropped too many classes. He simply couldn't hack it.

Amazing. I pretty much drank non-stop for four years and still got a Marquette degree -- and then landed employment in my chosen profession despite a job market statistically worse than the current mess Walker has helped foster.

Hell, even Chris Farley managed to get a degree at Marquette, and he was stoned approximately 23 hours a day.

Yep, leave it to a college dropout to try to torpedo teachers. The world's a crazy place, no?
^

How 'bout a Big Mac for Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is all about tradition, so I'm back with my 13th edition of Turkey of the Year.

This tradition dates back to 1998, when Michael McCaskey had so mismanaged the Bears that his mommy took the team presidency away from him and sent him to his room without supper.

Since then, a veritable Who's Who of losers, lunkheads, dopers, dorks, bullies and boors have earned Top Turkey honors: Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells & Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry & Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009).

You'll notice that most of those fine folks had Chicago connections. Even Knight (Big Ten) and Weis (Notre Dame) were in the region. That's because I columnized and blogged mostly about Chicago sports during those years.

Now that I'm a man of the world (North Carolina is part of the world, right?), the 2010 Turkey Countdown has a much different look.

As always, I dedicate this tradition to my absent friend, Gene Seymour, my Copley columnist predecessor and one of the great guys I ever encountered in journalism.

So let's get to it ...

10. OMAR MINAYA. Architect of the most expensive losers in baseball. Hey, at least the Mets were champs of something during Minaya's run as General Mismanager!

9. BOBBY KNIGHT. Mr. I Hate The Media is now part of the media. And on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that most members of the sports media are better at their jobs than Bobby is at his. The man is so awful as an ESPN analyst that I find myself wishing Dickie V were on the telecast instead. Really.

8. BRETT FAVRE. Seems the only thing he can make up his mind about is being a sleazebag.

7. MLB UMPS. I get that they have a tough job and that it's almost unfair to judge them based upon super-slo-mo replays. But these guys are so routinely bad that it's almost surprising when they get big calls right. And unlike Jim Joyce, most umps take no responsibility for their incompetence.

6. PETE CARROLL and REGGIE BUSH. They teamed up to do what no opponent could: bring USC football to its knees. They didn't even stick around to deal with the carnage they wrought, having bolted for the big bucks of the NFL. Makes you want to tell Reggie what he can do with that trophy.

5. BEN ROETHLISBERGER. Big Ben ... Good QB ... Bad Guy.

4. BRUCE PEARL. Years after he ratted out a dirty Illinois program, we learn that he's been running an even dirtier program at Tennessee. Wearing ugly orange blazers isn't punishment enough for this phony jerk.

3. LeBRON JAMES. Put on one of the most unnecessary, self-serving productions in the history of the world. But at least his talents have helped the Heat to an 8-7 start.

2. TIGER WOODS. Marriage? Over. PGA Tour victories? Zip. Ryder Cup? Back in Europe. New endorsement deals? Nada. No. 1 ranking? Now belongs to Lee Westwood. Talk about a rough year for the guy who had been the world's dominant athlete for more than a decade. I guess only bad things happen when a guy can't control his Eldrick.

And now ... drumstick roll, please ... the 2010 Turkey of the Year:

MARK McGWIRE.

Big Mac finally admitted he spent years juicing - and spent years lying about it. But even his admission was full of misleading statements.

He claimed he only juiced so he could stay healthy enough to play but then said his juicing had nothing to do with his home-run totals. Uh ... hello? How do you get the HRs without staying on the field? It's hard to believe McGwire was too stupid to make the connection, so we'll just assume he was being his deceitful self.

He obviously came clean for only two reasons: One, to clear his conscience. And two, to get the job as Cardinals hitting coach for his Chief Enabler, Tony La Russa. McGwire then worked wonders with St. Louis batters, who finished in the middle of the pack in most categories. Remember: This is a group that includes the best hitter in baseball.

Redbird bats really slumbered down the stretch. And as McGwire's charges faded, the Cardinals handed Cincinnati the division title.

Sadly, Cardinals fans - who like to call themselves baseball's best - took every opportunity to cheer their beloved cheater, liar and fraud.

Turns out, they got exactly what they deserved in 2010.
^

If LeBron's a doody-head, Dan Gilbert's a double-doody-head

^
Just for the heck of it, let's agree that every single word Cavs owner Dan Gilbert says about LeBron is true:

LeBron is a self-promoting, narcissistic,disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature jerk who quit on the Cavs in the playoffs each of the last two years.

Now consider this:

Gilbert was ready to give one of the richest contracts in the history of sports to a self-promoting, narcissistic, disloyal, cowardly, heartless, callous, selfish, shameful, disrespectful, immature quitter.

What does that say about Gilbert's intelligence, management savvy and ability to judge character?

Gilbert now is "guaranteeing" that his gutted Cavaliers will win a title before the James-Wade-Bosh triumverate does in Miami.

I'd happily take that bet and give Gilbert 3-to-1 odds.

Hey, if I were a Cavs fan, I'd take him at his word and buy the most expensive season-ticket package the team sells - as long as the loyal, honorable, non-narcissistic Gilbert's guarantee is of the 100-percent-refund variety.

And speaking of money-back guarantees ...

My son Ben and his buddy, Billy, couldn't resist. A couple of weeks ago, each bought a 2010-11 season ticket to the Bulls on the chance that the team would land LeBron, which would have given the ducats some serious value.

Oh well ... at least Ben and Billy didn't buy 10 years ago in anticipation of Tim Duncan, Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady coming to Chicago - the last time the Bulls cleared out salary-cap space for what was then hailed as the greatest free-agent class ever.

Besides, the boys probably still will be able to make a tidy profit on quite a few games - especially the two against LeBron's Heat (but probably not when the Bulls face Gilbert's 25-win Cavs).

D-Wade gets his man ... but first, another commercial

^
You know, ESPN couldn't have milked the LeBron deal any more if Jim Gray had pulled up a stool and started squeezing LeBron's udders.

So now the Heat has - or is it the Heat have? I never really know - LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh. Sources say they'll soon be joined by Aquaman and Wonder Woman to form the greatest Justice League ever!

Though Clevelanders are downright pissed at him right now, LeBron actually was kind of unselfish with this decision. Really. He could have made more money with the Cavs, could have scored more endorsements with the Bulls and could have been an international icon with the Knicks. He really did choose the most likely championship situation. How 'bout that?

D-Wade didn't have to change teams. He added the best teammate in the league. He increased his odds of multiple titles significantly. And he came out of it with the biggest paycheck of them all. Oh, and Florida doesn't even have a state sales tax.

Yep, the man is so smart, it's almost as if he went to Marquette!

From incomplete Bull to goofy golf

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It's hard to blame Reinsdorf & Co. for failing to land any of LeBron, D-Wade or Bosh. I mean, they had to take the chance and all it really cost them was Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon and a decent chunk of self-esteem.

It's not like 1998, when they ran the best coach in history, the best player in history and perhaps the best sidekick in history out of town - thus breaking up one of the best dynasties in history at least a half-decade prematurely - so they could get lousy and load up on high draft picks and free agents only to end up with Curry, Fizer, Floyd and Mercer.

And Kornel David, of course.

Oh, and don't forget that the Bulls could have had D-Wade all this time but Pax refused to trade Donyell Marshall for the right to move up in the '03 draft. How'd that work out?

On a more important note ...

One reason I like golf is that something unique seems to happen every round. I got an urge to play a quick 9 Wednesday so I went to the closest park district course. I got paired with 3 other guys and it was fun - albeit hot as h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

Anyway, we got to the 8th hole, a short par-3. One of the guys put his tee shot on the back of the huge green, which would have been great except the flag was at the front, about 65-70 feet away.

Eventually, the other 3 of us joined him on the green and as he walked up to his ball, I laughed and said: "That's a gimme. Pick it up."

And you know what? He did. Put the ball in his pocket and walked away. Pretty sure he marked a 2 down on his scorecard, too.

Jeesh. Even Tiger doesn't try that kind of cheating.

This has been a LeBron TV Production

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I was really surprised to hear that LeBron will announce his big decision in prime time Thursday on ESPN. I mean, to this point in his life, everything he's done has been so understated.

My sources tell me it's between the Grizzlies and the Bucks.

Kid all you want about the speculation and hype and rumors and such. All I know is that it can't be easy for LeBron to decide between playing one more year for the Vikings or riding tractors in Hattiesburg.

If the Bulls miss out on LeBron and D-Wade and Bosh, word is that they already have a contract ready for Ron Mercer.

Did I say the Grizzlies or Bucks? Now that Vinny Del Negro will coach the Clippers, how can LeBron resist being the No. 1 attraction for L.A.'s No. 4 pro hoops team? And psssst ... my informant tells me that LeBron will command even more money than most of the UCLA and USC kids do.

ESPN's hoops expert, Chris Broussard, put his reputation on the line Tuesday by predicting LeBron just might end up in New Jersey. Unless he goes to New York. Or Miami. Or Chicago. Or re-signs with Cleveland. Seems that Broussard's segment ran out of time before he could name the other 25 teams.

Wake me when LeWhatsHisName chooses a team

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Today's high-5:

1. Just heard that LeBron to Chicago is "a done deal." Also, that LeBron is leaning toward joining D-Wade in Miami. And that LeBron is buying the Bobcats and will talk Michael into coming out of retirement. And that LeBron wants to play wide receiver for the Browns. And that LeBron is forming his own sports network, LeSpn. And that LeBron said he'd come to the Bulls only if Reinsdorf brings "that funny-looking Crumbs dude back." And that LeBron is so angry at the way the French soccer team behaved at the World Cup that he's changing his name to TheBron.

2. Elin is going to get $750M of Tiger's dough? Jeesh! That's three times as much as I had to pay Chicago in parking tickets last year!

3. I like the team Walt Jocketty built for Dusty Baker: fundamentally sound, nice power, a little speed, decent rotation, excellent blend of veterans and kids. Not sure if the Reds have quite enough in the bullpen to win the division this year, but it's not as if the NL Central is crammed full of great teams. Here's what I wrote Thursday for AP from the Cubs-Reds series opener: READ IT.

4. The only way the stock market can do any worse than it has lately is by losing a series to the Pirates.

5. Earlier this week, I got to play the Skokie Country Club, one of the true classics in the Chicago area. With its tricky, fast greens and grippy rough, it was a bear for us media-day hacks - and it will be quite a test from the tips for the Western Amateur field next month. A three-putt bogey on my final hole condemned me to a 100, a cruel ending to three straight days of mostly fun golf in three different states - Minnesota, Wisconsin and Illinois. Oy, am I a glutton for punishment ... one shank at a time.

Limiting Bulls to Van Gundys, Fratellos would be silly

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We could start and end with Phil Jackson and our case would be made, but that would be no fun. So let's continue with ...

Gregg Popovich ... Rudy Tomjanovich ... Pat Riley ... Tom Heinsohn ... Bill Russell ... Al Attles ... Larry Costello ...

Yes, each of those coaches won a championship - many won multiple championships - for the franchise that gave him his first NBA head-coaching job.

And I'm not even counting Chuck Daly, who coached Cleveland to a 9-32 half-season record as an interim before the Pistons took a chance on him and were rewarded with two titles. Nor am I counting the many coaches who, while leading their first NBA team, led their franchises to the Finals but lost.

So for all of those who say the Bulls absolutely must hire a guy who already has been an NBA head coach - a.k.a. a retread - I answer only with a question:

Why?

Why have a knee-jerk reaction to the Vinny debacle, forgetting that he never had been so much as an assistant JV high school coach when John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf fell in love with him?

Why not consider all of the outstanding NBA assistants who are ready to take the next step?

Why limit the field by excluding guys who might turn out to be the next Phil Jackson or Pat Riley or Gregg Popovich?

OK, that was four questions. Shoot me with a Taser.

At long last, Cubs pass Baseball 101

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The Bald Truth

So what if it took Lou Piniella 2 1/2 years? At least he eventually got it right: Bat the guy likely to have the highest on-base percentage first, the contact hitter who excels at going to right field (and also is decent at getting on base) second and the power guy somewhere in the middle of the order.

Kosuke Fukudome, No. 1 ... Ryan Theriot, No. 2 ... Alfonso Soriano, No. 6.

After the Cubbie skipper stopped backing down to Soriano - even benching the $136 Million Man for a couple of games in favor of The Great Sam Fuld - Piniella finally passed Baseball 101 at last.

Congrats, Lou!

The Balder Truth

Today's NBA 3-pointer:

1. Celtics get Rasheed Wallace. Here's hoping Beantown isn't actually buying that this soon-to-be-35 loon is the key to a return to championship level. If Kevin Garnett is healthy come playoff time, the Celts will have a chance. If he (or Paul Pierce) isn't, the Celtics are toast. Even in his best days, 'Sheed was no KG. And 'Sheed is at least three years removed from his best days.

2. Spurs get Richard Jefferson. This was the single best move of the NBA offseason - yes, better than the Cavs trading for The Big Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Tourist - and it gives Tim Duncan a leg up on Shaq and Kobe in the race for a fifth NBA title. Duncan + Jefferson + Tony Parker + Manu Ginobili = a lot of freakin' pluses!

3.  Dwyane Wade gives Pat Riley an ultimatum. And a deadline, too. The NBA's third-best player says he wants to stay with the Heat but, he told AP, "I want to make sure that we're on track ... before I sign back." In other words, the 2006 Finals MVP says he won't stay in Miami after next season if the team isn't a legitimate title contender. Because the Heat almost surely won't contend, it will be a wide-open race next summer for Wade's considerable talents. Will the Bulls be enough of a contender a year from now to convince Dwyane to return home? Maybe, maybe not, the Bulls do figure to have considerable cash available, which would be the next best thing.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

The long-awaited $900 million sale of the Cubs to the Ricketts family of Omaha finally appears ready to be rubber-stamped by MLB, and you know what that means:

Jim Hendry soon will be allowed to throw more millions at overhyped, underproductive ballplayers in a desperate attempt to buy off the baseball gods.

Wheee!

Soto's not hot, but he sure is smokin'!

The List

Top five signs that Cubbie catcher Geo Soto is a pothead (aside from his lethargic first half of the season):

5. Always refers to Lou Piniella as "that awesome, gnarly dude."

4. During a recent seventh-inning stretch, he could be heard singing: "Give me Doritos and Ho-Hos, bro; I don't care that my butt's gonna grow ... "

3. Didn't start lobbying for baseball to be an Olympic sport until he was told he'd get to hang out with Michael Phelps and Shaun White.

2. Just before taking a swing at Yadier Molina during a basebrawl, he reached out, embraced the Redbird catcher and said: "I love you, man!"

1. Commissioned Louisville Slugger to make him a 32-ounce bong.

Ozzie Being Ozzie I

After spending more than 2 minutes loudly and forcefully insisting that Shaquille O'Neal will hurt LeBron's Cavs because Shaq is old, broken down, useless and in need of a wheelchair, Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen concluded:

"Like I (bleeping) know about basketball."

Sweet-Talking Lou

Asked by the Chicago Tribune if he'll run the Cubbies beyond this season: "I'm signed through next year."

Then Piniella repeated it two times.

Hmmm. The man hasn't sounded that enthused about managing since his final weeks with the Devil Rays.

Ozzie Being Ozzie II

On Alexei Ramirez, who made two "lousy and lazy" errors Thursday against the Dodgers:

"I made a big mistake in January when I said he's gonna be a better shortstop than Ozzie Guillen. I never thought I was that bad."

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Our old friend Steve Kerr has done a heck of a job running the Phoenix Suns.

Into the ground.

He's only a couple more trades away from securing the most Ping-Pong balls in next year's lottery.