Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Phil goes for 11, Yanks go for 27

The Bald Truth

This seems hard to believe, but my unimpeachable source swears it's true:

Now that he has received his 10th NBA championship ring and with his Lakers favored to win it all again, Phil Jackson has contacted Antonio Alfonseca to learn the secret behind growing a sixth finger on each hand.

The Balder Truth

Yes, Larry Johnson twice tweeted gay slurs. Yes, he told a sportswriter who asked about the tweets to "get your faggot ass out of here." Yes, in a prepared statement issued by his agent, the Chiefs' All-Pro-turned-All-Stiff has said he was sorry because "I did not intend to offend anyone." Yes, has been told by the team to take a hike.

And yes, I am outraged!

I mean, there once was a time when an insincere apology meant something.


Well, it's World Series time, which means it's time to break down how the Yankees and Phillies stack up against each other.*

*All this is contingent on the umps blowing a maximum of two calls per game.

1B: Mark Teixeira is a great fielder and he led the AL in HR and RBI, but, as Ryan Howard was heard to say: "I got chunks of guys like you in my stool!" Advantage ... Phillies

2B: Robinson Cano has become a good all-around player again but he's no Chase Utley. Unless, of course, Utley's right arm continues doing its Steve Sax/Chuck Knoblauch imitation. For argument's sake, let's figure that Chase will be all right. Advantage ... Phillies

3B: Pedro Feliz doesn't put up the kind of numbers Alex Rodriguez does. Duh! A-Rod's HGH is twice as good as any stuff Feliz can afford! Advantage ... Yankees

SS: We'll assume Jimmy Rollins is past getting benched for lack of hustle. Still, how can anybody pick against Derek Jeter, whose fundamentally perfect play is the sole reason the Yankees have won 26 championships? Gehrig Schmehrig! Advantage ... Yankees

LF: Even after four years in pinstripes, Johnny Damon still looks funny with cropped hair and a clean face. That alone would have cost him in a contest against Raul Ibanez, but Ben Francisco will be getting major PT in left while Ibanez does the DH thing. Advantage ... Yankees

CF: Melky Cabrera is OK, I guess, but Shane Victorino's very name spells "victori, no?" Advantage ... Phillies

RF: Nick Swisher being lost at the plate must feel like deja vu to White Sox fans. Meanwhile, Jayson Werth is the best ballplayer from Springfield since Homer Simpson in his prime. Advantage ... Phillies

C: With his big-game experience, Jorge Posada would seem the obvious choice. But A.J. Burnett will throw only to banjo-hitting Jose Molina. For the second straight postseason, Carlos Ruiz has stepped into the phone booth and turned into SuperCatcher. Or at least he would have if there were phone booths any more. Advantage ... Phillies

DH: When Ibanez is here, he's a nice match for Hideki Matsui. When it's Matt Stairs or Greg Dobbs, not so much. And in the three games in Philly, Godzilla will give the Yankees the most dangerous pinch-hitter in the series. Advantage ... Yankees

SP: The World Series already is stretched out, and a few rain days would make it possible for CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee to start a half-dozen times each. (Thank you, Cleveland!) Just because Pedro Martinez would drill Babe Ruth in the ass, it doesn't mean Pedrold should be the No. 2 pitcher for a championship team. Advantage ... Yankees

RP: Brad Lidge makes my head explode, so I can only imagine what he does to the phine pholks of Philly. He's great ... he's crap ... he's great ... he's crap. And right now, he's, um, who the hell knows? Then there's Mariano Rivera. About him, everybody the hell knows. Advantage ... Yankees

Prediction: It'll be close, as it should be. This ain't the BCS, ya know.

Yankees in 7.

1 comment:

  1. Sigh. Jayson Werth is from Chatham, which is a little town just due south of Springfield. Big difference, especially to those of us from Chatham!