Urlacher's bald head is unfair advantage in sexy-athlete competition

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The Bald Truth

This e-mail, from the Bulls, was a pleasant diversion from the normal humdrum fare I usually get in my in-box:

VICTORIA'S SECRET NAMES DERRICK ROSE AS

“WHAT’S SEXY NOW CHICAGO” NOMINEE

Model Marisa Miller to present Rose with his nomination Thurs. at the Berto Center

WHO: Derrick Rose, Bulls Guard

Marisa Miller, Model and Victoria's Secret Angel

WHAT: After practice on Thursday, Victoria's Secret Angel Marisa Miller will make a special appearance to present Derrick Rose with his Victoria's Secret “What’s Sexy Now Chicago Athlete” nomination.

Rose will compete for the award against the Bears' Brian Urlacher and the Blackhawks' Patrick Sharp.

To cast your vote and see the full list of Chicago nominees, visit VSChicago.com, celebrating all things sexy in Chicago.

This event is taking place in conjunction with the opening of the new Victoria's Secret flagship store located at 734 N. Michigan Avenue on Thursday.

The List

Five events in which Rose, Urlacher and Sharp will compete as they vie for the "What's Sexy Now Chicago Athlete" honor:

5. Looking sexy in stylish glasses while taking the SAT. (That's a college entrance exam, Derrick, in case you never heard of it.)

4. Most sex leading to children fathered. (Wait ... I think Urlacher has this one clinched.)

3. Swimsuit competition. (No thongs. Please! No! Thongs!)

2. Sexiest pout while demanding a new contract. (Urlacher is the overwhelming favorite because he has so much practice.)

1. Ice-Dancing with the Stars. (Hey, Sharp deserves to have one event he can win.)

The Balder Truth

If it seems strange that 47-year-old Chris Chelios has signed to play in the minors for the Chicago Wolves, just remember this:

He's not even 7 in wolf years.

The Quote

"We're two plays away from being 5-0." - Robbie Gould, Tuesday on WSCR-AM.

Yep. And his Bears are two plays away from being 1-4, too, but we won't talk about those.

3-2 ... that seems just about right for Lovie's Lads.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Thanks to a new iPhone application costing a mere $4.99, fans of Chad Ochocinco can keep tabs on the Bengals receiver's tweets and such. As a bonus, the AP story says, "They can ask his device on dating or anything else."

Oooh! Oooh! Me first!

"Mr. Ochocinco, is it best to kiss a girl before or after I whisper sweet trash-talk in her ear?"

Notre Doom, Bullspit and a rocky Tripp

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The Bald Truth

Notre Dame had such a lousy basketball season. Are we sure Charlie Weis isn't running those Fading Irish, too?

Anything You Can Do

After watching on TV as St. John's lost by 29 points to Marquette in the Big East tournament, the inspired Bulls went out and lost by only 28 to Orlando.

Yep, just a few more wins and the Bulls will be NIT ready.

The Balder Truth

Brian McNamee is alleging that he injected Roger Clemens with steroids right at the Yankee Stadium hot tub.

I won't reveal what the two supposedly did next, but let's just say it involved candlelight, Crisco and Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight."

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Speaking of unlikely romances, I was devastated to hear that Bristol Palin and her baby daddy, Levi Johnston, have broken up just 2 1/2 months after little Tripp entered the world.

And to think, the teenagers had looked so happy every time Granny Sarah marched them onstage to make a point about family values. 

Remember, kids: "Abstinence is the only thing you need to know about sex ... (wink) ... You betcha!"

New Lee-doff hitter for Cubs?

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The Bald Truth

My son Ben looked up from the Tribune - and his breakfast - to say: "Hey, here's something you're not gonna believe."

My response: "What? That somebody too young to run for president actually is reading a newspaper?"

"No, it's Derrek Lee saying he'd be willing to bat leadoff for the Cubbies."

Ben was right. I didn't believe it.

Less than one year ago, I ran the numbers and concluded that Lee was the Cubs' best choice to bat leadoff. When I presented my theory to him - complete with several pages of supporting evidence - he practically laughed in my face. 

"For the good of the team," he said, "I've got to bat in the middle somewhere, right?"

He then yelled out to Lou Piniella as the skipper walked through the spring-training clubhouse: "Hey, Lou! He wants me to hit leadoff!"

"What?!?!" Piniella shrieked, sounding as if he had just seen Erin Andrews stroll through the clubhouse wearing only a thong and a smile.

Yeah, it was a big joke back then but now the Cubs are so desperate to get more production out of the leadoff spot that they're willing to consider anything. 

Even putting a high-on-base-percentage guy at the top of the order.

Imagine that.

The Balder Truth

Actually, Lee probably wasn't offering to bat leadoff. He was just making a point that he'd happily hit anywhere.

Alfonso Soriano, who is just about the worst leadoff option on the team but has some strange psychological bond to the spot, also said as much ... with a caveat.

"If they want to move me, I'd like to stay in one spot and not switch," he told reporters in Arizona. "I'd like to concentrate on one spot."

Absolutely. Because Alfonso "Swing, Baby, Swing" Soriano brings different approaches to the plate depending upon where he bats in the order, right?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Poor Bristol Palin. She had to sit there, in front of Fox News' Greta Van Susteren and the far-right-leaning folks who hang on the network's every word, and admit that abstinence, while a swell concept for birth control, is "not realistic at all."

As we used to say when I was 18: 

Duh.