Today's High 5 - Blago Edition

^
5. Monday wasn't a total loss for Rod Blagojevich. His beloved Cubbies scored a crucial victory over the Rockies and now are a mere 14 games under .500.

4. When the jury convicted him on 17 of 20 corruption charges, Blago said he was stunned. A totally predictable reaction. He's the kind of guy who thinks he can fool all of the people all of the time. And why not? Each of the six times the corrupt buffoon ran for office, a majority of his Illinois constituents voted for him. It's understandable that he doubted 12 jurors could see through his b.s.

3. Blago's successor, Pat Quinn, had better hustle. He has fewer than four years to do something crooked enough to become the third straight Illinois governor to serve time. I'm confident he can do it!!

2. If I'm Patti Blagojevich, I'm thinking: "I ate a tarantula for that?"

1. Lots of people believe they live in politically corrupt places. For example, friends in New Jersey and Arizona and here in my new state of North Carolina actually think they're No. 1. Please. elected officials in Illinois take oaths promising to meet graft minimums.
^

I lost on Blago's elections, but at least I was right

^
In 2002, I lobbied hard for Illinois Democrats to choose Paul Vallas as their gubernatorial candidate. He had done a great job as superintendent of Chicago schools and wasn't a sleazebag, as his opponent, Rod Blagojevich was. Unfortunately, the downstaters inexplicably went with Blago, he scored a narrow primary victory and he went on to be elected governor.

A moderate who makes decisions based on candidates, policies and platforms -- not parties -- I then voted for Republican Jim Ryan, the eventual loser.

Four years -- and several Blago scandals and scams later -- I voted for Republican Judy Baar Topinka even though there was little evidence the state treasurer would be a good governor. I simply couldn't vote for Blago. Alas, Blago outspent Topinka 4-to-1 and won an 11 percent victory.

The rest is history. As I write this, a jury is trying to decide if it should convict Blago on multiple corruption charges. He was a terrible governor and an embarrassment to the state -- albeit a godsend to standup comedians.

Looking back, I consider my decisions regarding his gubernatorial elections to be my best as a voter.
^

Thome to Ozzie: This bomb's for you!

^
The List

Three reasons why Minnesotans are happy they aren't Illinoisians these days:

3. While You Know Who is coming back to QB the Vikings, Jay Cutler is only a wannabe until he proves otherwise.

2. The Twins have Jim Thome. And, thanks to Ozzie Guillen's preference for bunters over bombers, the White Sox don't.

1. Minnesota's governor often is mentioned as the possible 2012 Republican nominee for the U.S. presidency. Illinois' last three governors: one jailed felon, one freshly convicted felon and one guy who is in so far over his head that his business card should have a picture of a shovel on it.

The Bald Truth

Well, at least Ozzie isn't stuck with that one-dimensional, lumbering lug Thome clogging up the basepaths and keeping Mark Kotsay from playing DH.

The Balder Truth

Jon Garland is still making Cubbie fans cringe. But hey, he's no Matt Karchner.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

As most of you know, I'm moving to North Carolina. I've been warned by a few locals there that some of their politicians are corrupt.

After nearly 16 years in Illinois, I could offer only this response:

"Some? Only some? Jeesh, what a bunch of lightweights!"

12 years for Hossa? It only seems like a long time

^

The List

The economy has tanked, right? Well, apparently not in the NHL, where the Blackhawks just handed out a 12-year, multi-gajillion-dollar contract to Marian Hossa. 

Twelve years! 

The deal doesn't expire until after the 2020-21 season, which has to be the longest any franchise in any sport has committed to one today's athletes. Hossa will be 42 by then.

Here are 12 things certain to happen in those dozen years:

1. Twitter becomes ancient history, replaced by Thoughter - the process by which we communicate to each other through brainwaves alone. Only 140 characters at a time, please.

2. Princess Sasha takes over the U.S. throne from King Barack.

3. In a dramatic reversal, the medical community says anabolic steroids are essential to the health and well-being of every human. Steroids replace flouride in the water we drink. Athletes are suspended for refusing to take performance-enhancing drugs. Bryce Harper, a one-time phenom who has bulked up to 255 pounds of pure muscle, becomes the first big-league ballplayer to hit 100 home runs in a season. Syringes are available in vending machines at every high school. Jose Canseco is elected MLB commissioner.   

4. After democracy wins out in Iran, the country merges with Iraq. And the great nation of Iranq becomes one of our most loyal allies.

5. Led by manager Ozzie Guillen, the Cubs win their seventh World Series.

6. The Toyota Prius is declared illegal in the U.S. by Princess Sasha, who says: "Sorry, but hybrids use too much fuel."

7. Patrick Kane will be a third of the way through his 24-year contract. But he still can't grow a playoff beard.

8. Fresh out of federal prison, Rod Blagojevich wins American Idol with his flawless performance of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

9. Boise State emerges from the first-ever NCAA Division I football playoffs to win the national title. Raking in $100 million for each of their institutions, presidents from the six major conferences wonder what took them so long to blow up the BCS. 

10. After ceasing to exist for six years, newspapers make a dramatic comeback because readers missed Hagar The Horrible too damn much.

11. At 95, Joe Paterno signs what Penn State is calling "perhaps his last three-year contract extension."

12. Marian Hossa is the unanimous choice as the greatest hockey player of all time and is enshrined in the sport's Hall of Fame even though he's still an active player. His presenter is Wayne Gretzky, now known merely as "The Very Good One." 

The Bald Truth

With a huge victory over the mighty Buccos, the Cubs have convinced me that they'll win the vast majority of their remaining games as long as ...

++Lou Piniella gets ejected every day.

++Randy Wells can make 60 or so starts.

++The Cubs eat the rest of Alfonso Soriano's contract so Sam Fuld can be their left fielder and leadoff hitter.

++Kosuke Fukudome bats, say, .600 from here on in.

++Aramis Ramirez stays healthy through the rest of the regular season, positioning himself perfectly to go 0-for-12 in the playoffs.

The Balder Truth

As a guy who has seen a lot of Bulls games these last five years, I already miss watching Ben Gordon dribble 23 seconds off the clock before hoisting a 27-foot fadeaway.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Last July, the Brewers pulled within a game of the Cubs going into a four-game series at Miller Park. Riding high from their recent acquisition of CC Sabathia, the Brewers were ready to send a message to Cubbieland: We're in the race to stay. 

Four days and one Cubs sweep later, Bernie Brewer had to enter detox.

Flash forward to this weekend: Starting Thursday, the Cubs and Brewers will meet at Wrigley Field for a four-game series. Somehow, the Cubs have stayed in the division race, trailing the Brewers by only 3 1/2 games despite being baseball's biggest underachievers. 

Another Cubs sweep and they'll be in first place (or close to it, depending upon what the Cardinals and Reds do). 

But if the Brewers do in Chicago what the Cubs did in Milwaukee in July 2008 ... well, let's just say it will be open season on Gatorade coolers in the Cubbie dugout.

Ozzie tries to save baseball from itself

^

The Bald Truth

Just when I didn't think Ozzie Guillen could be any wackier, the White Sox skipper pulled off a stunt I never had seen before: 

He complained about a strike called by the umpire ... with his own pitcher on the mound.

Just minutes after Jermaine Dye was ejected for arguing a bases-loaded Strike 3 call Wednesday, Guillen could be seen jawing with ump Mike DiMuro. Reading Ozzie's lips, I thought I saw him complaining that Mark Buehrle's pitch to Cleveland's Jhonny Peralta was low - and Ozzie later confirmed it.

"I asked Peralta if that pitch was low and in, and he said yes," Guillen told reporters after his team's 4-0 loss. "They thought I was crazy because I wasn't protecting J.D., I was protecting the opposition. I was gonna send the message that ... I was here to protect baseball."

Actually, I think "crazy" just about covers it, Ozzie.

As usual.

The Balder Truth

Yahoo Sports is reporting that USC hoops coach Tim Floyd paid off the guy who delivered O.J. Mayo to the school.

If true, failing to adequately cover up these shenanigans will be Floyd's stupidest move since he had Kornel "The Hungarian Jordan" David playing at crunch time of Bulls games.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Here in Chicago, we've have the Unholy Trinity: A corrupt governor's office, a corrupt mayor's office and a corrupt county government. While everybody likes to talk about Blago and Hizzoner Daley The Younger, Cook County Board President Todd Stroger might be the unfairest of 'em all.

After running for election on a reform platform - don't they all? - Stroger has proceeded to spend like a drunk Illinois politician. Expanding the county government to immense proportions - think a Bartolo Colon-Roseanne Barr love child - he has spent and spent and spent and spent.

He spent so much that he realized the only way he could pay for all the spending was by raising the county's portion of the sales tax, giving Chicago the highest such tariff in the nation: a laughable-if-it-wasn't-so-sad 10.25 percent. 

With elections approaching, several county board commissioners regretted what they did and tried to repeal the tax, but Stroger vetoed the repeal. 

Mr. Reformer isn't in the reforming mood.

But that's not the best part. This is: Stronger owes the United States nearly $12,000 in unpaid income taxes.

So, even as he demands that poor people (and others) fund his bloated government with a regressive tax that ranks No. 1 in the nation, he opts to ignore his own taxes until the feds catch him.

Beautiful.

Talk about high aspirations: Stroger must be angling for a spot in President Obama's cabinet.

This is what we Chicagoans face every day, folks. Two consecutive crooked governors (both "reformers," don't you know), a mayor who values taking care of his cronies above all else and Todd "Tax Me? Tax You!" Stroger.

Of course, nobody is holding a gun to our heads to stay here, right? And the majority of our citizens keep re-electing these clowns. 

Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us a gajillion times ... and we'll line up for a gajillion more opportunities to prove what fools we are.

How humiliating.

Gotta love that (bleeping) KG!

^

The Bald Truth

Whether happy or sad, anguished or encouraged, excited or outraged, Kevin Garnett sure loves his f-bombs.

And even more, it seems, his m-f-bombs.

The guy's a 7-foot, black, athletic, male Patti Blagojevich, for (bleep's) sake!

Genteel lip-readers couldn't have been pleased Monday that TNT cameras kept zooming in on KG every time the injured Celtic screamed the f-word in any and all of its various forms.

Adjectives. Nouns. Verbs. Hyphenated qualifiers. 

KG had his whole vocabulary on display. And TNT captured it all for viewers big and small.

Something for everyone ... which, I guess, is what the NBA Cares campaign is all about.

The Balder Truth

Just when I thought it would be impossible to top Game 1, the Bulls-Celtics series got even more exciting in Game 2. 

Watching Ray Allen and Ben Gordon trading incredible clutch shots was like watching two in-their-prime middleweights trading haymakers.

As it turns out, Allen got in the last shot and was the last man standing.

In Game 1, a new Chicago sports legend officially was born, with Derrick Rose outdueling Rajon Rondo. It's just been great stuff, every bit as intense and entertaining as any basketball anywhere.

The Celtics are one missed Paul Pierce free throw from holding a 2-0 series lead. And the Bulls are one made Allen jumper from holding a 2-0 series lead. 

Appropriately, then, it's all tied at 1 ... and I'm already looking forward to Act Three at the United Center.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Taking a detour during their off-day in Baltimore, the White Sox visited the White House and met Barack Obama. 

The president shook hands and traded small talk with the players on his favorite team - and even granted reliever Octavio Dotel's request for a hug.

"Look at that!" screamed Sean Hannity. "As if it isn't bad enough that Obama is a militant Muslim socialist! There's all the proof you need that he's a gay militant Muslim socialist! We're all doomed! Doomed, I tell you!!!"

Northwestern? Never!

^
The Bald Truth

Now that Northwestern has blown a 50-point lead in the last 2 minutes (or something like that) against Illinois, can the inexplicably hopeful Chicago media corps please stop suggesting that this might be the year the Mildcats finally make the NCAAs?

The List

Five things that will happen before Northwestern makes its NCAA hoops tourney debut:

1. America will elect another black president. And a female president. And a Jewish president. And an Albino president. And Blago president. And ... well, you get the idea.

2. The Cubs will celebrate their sixth straight World Series championship, breaking the record of the 1949-53 Yankees.

3. Phil Mickelson will beat Tiger Woods on the first playoff hole at Augusta.

4. Saying "Why bother fighting it any more?" Bud Selig will announce new rules requiring every ballplayer to take steroids, HGH, greenies and Flintstones Vitamins.

5. Everything and anything. Because Northwestern will never make the NCAAs. Never, ever, ever. OK, I'll stop trying to sugarcoat this: NEVER!

The Letter

From Wally Boller of Galesburg, Ill.: "I would like to go on the record with this prediction: Thirty minutes before the New York Jets' first game next fall, Brett Favre will drive up in a taxi, in full uniform, run out on the field and announce that he has decided not to retire after all."

And 30 minutes after that, ESPN will report that he might or might not retire after the season.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Forget all the A-Roid stuff. In what had to be the wildest baseball story of the offseason, an ex-girlfriend of Robbie Alomar filed a $15 million civil suit alleging that the likely Hall of Fame second baseman demanded unprotected sex with her for four years despite showing obvious signs that he had AIDS. Alomar has called her a liar.

I won't question the woman's sincerity because I don't know her or the circumstances, but I do wonder why she stuck around for four years.

I mean, it took abused ump John Hirschbeck only about four seconds to realize he never wanted to see Alomar again.

By the way, if my fellow BBWAA Hall of Fame voters are going to use the integrity, character and sportsmanship clauses to dismiss A-Roid and other juicers, shouldn't they give a big thumbs-down to Alomar when he becomes eligible for the next election class?

Or is inserting a syringe in one's own posterior less sportsmanlike than spitting in an umpire's face?

Bowling you over with Super story lines

^

The List

Angles, angles, angles. The media - from Internet bloggers to MTV airheads and from radio yakkers to good old-fashioned newspaper types (yes, there are a few left) - will be offering up every possible Super Bowl angle from Tampa this week. 

Or will they?

The top five Super Bowl story angles that probably never will surface:

1. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will reveal that next year's Super Bowl, originally scheduled to be played in Miami, instead will take place at Wrigley Field - where everything (even hockey) is magical (except the Cubs).

2. The most popular interview subject at Tuesday's media day will be Jesus, who will explain he has no time to deal with disease, famine, war, genocide, dirty governors and other inconsequential stuff because he's too busy taking care of Kurt Warner.

3. Displaying his altruistic side, Edgerrin James will take his once-famous gold teeth out of storage, turn them in for cash and use the money to feed 12,000 needy Phoenix-area families.

4. Deciding to settle the "who's the best safety?" argument once and for all, Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu will stage an interception contest ... with Rex Grossman as the designated quarterback.

5. Eager to give Pittsburgh a top-flight pro sports team all year 'round, Steelers owner Dan Rooney Sr. will announce that his squad will replace the Pirates at PNC Park from April to October. "Really," Rooney will say, "would the Pirates win any less with Big Ben pitching to Hines Ward than they did with Ian Snell throwing to Ronny Paulino?"

The Bald Truth

Rookie Bulls coach Vinny Del Excuse can't whine enough about injuries to role players such as Drew Gooden and Kirk Hinrich.

What will his excuse be if the team finishes behind the Bucks, who will spend the rest of the season dealing with the absence of All-Star and Olympian Michael Redd?

The Balder Truth

Chicago baseball fans should circle April 13 on their calendars.

One week after First White Sox Fan Obama will have thrown out the season's ceremonial opening pitch at U.S. Comiskular Park (at least the Sox hope so), Cubbie Lover Blago will do the same at Wrigley Field.

Unless, of course, he's in handcuffs.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Obviously, I'm very pleased my Marquette Golden Warrior Eagles - the No. 8 team in all the land! - went into the Joyce Center and took down Notre Dame.

As impressed as I was with Jerel McNeal and the rest of the lads, though, I came away even more amazed by Irish center Luke Harangody.

An all-but-unstoppable bruiser under the basket, the guy has developed an outstandingly accurate - albeit highly unorthodox - jump shot. He also is a rebounding machine.

He'd get my national player of the year vote today. There certainly isn't anybody who can convince me he's anything less than the best big man in college basketball.

It's close, but he's even better than Blake Griffin - I'm talking as a collegian, not as a pro prospect. As for Tyler Hansbrough, who does less than Harangody despite getting far more help from his teammates, it really isn't very close.