Cutler to Broncos: Take that!

^

The List

Five observations out of the Bears' make-believe victory over the Broncos:

5. Mark Anderson got a sack. Devin Hester had a game-changing punt return. Brian Urlacher and the first-string defense never let the Broncos near the end zone. You know, if Rex Grossman had shown up and thrown five interceptions, I'd have thought it was 2006 all over again.

4. When you refer to former All-Pro left tackle Orlando Pace, make sure you accentuate the former. Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil made Pace look like a statue. Repeatedly.

3. With jilted Denverites expressing their hatred for Jay Cutler, it was an unusually fun make-believe game. For a half, anyway. As soon as Lovie Smith pulled Cutler, it was time to watch True Blood. So I'll have to take your word for it if you tell me Caleb Hanie is the next Dan Marino.

2. Before leaving with a boo-boo, Kyle Orton didn't look half bad. He should grow back the beard, though.

1. Even though he temporarily cost the Bears a TD by throwing the ball late and behind his receiver on his one deep pass, and even though he risked interceptions by trying to force a few he shouldn't have, Cutler was impressive. He handled the pressure of his return to Denver well, eventually silencing the fans who were taunting him. The 2-minute drill he led was a thing of beauty. He was nimble both in and out of the pocket. And he spread the ball around nicely. Perhaps equally important for the Bears: When Dumervil delivered a late (but not damaging) hit on Cutler, the QB's teammates had his back.

The Bald Truth

Cutler and most other players worth watching probably won't play more than one series in Thursday's final make-believe game. So the Bears, of course, plan to refund every ticket-holder's money.

Of course.

The Quote

"You saw Jay Cutler and Greg Olsen hooking up ... and these two guys are buddies. Greg Olsen just recently married, and it's a threesome ..." - Cris Collinsworth

With four months to go, folks, this is the leader in the clubhouse as quote of the year.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Like pretty much everybody else with an IQ higher than a stapler, I knew Collinsworth would be better than John Madden. I just didn't realize how much better until I heard him in action with Al Michaels.

You know, I actually might be able to watch some Sunday Night Football this season.

Here's Milton Bradley's excuse for being so rank

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The Bald Truth

Well, it took until the end of August, but Milton Bradley finally pulled out the Oldie-But-Goodie Excuse for why it took him months to start hitting even a little bit:

"Strange as it may seem, people don't understand, you play baseball your whole life for teams that play mostly night games. You're getting up at 2 in the afternoon. Here, you've got to get up at 8 o'clock in the morning, come here and get ready. It's an adjustment for your body to get revved up. That's the only thing I can attribute it to because I've done everything else the same."

Never mind that Bradley actually is batting .303 in 44 day games vs. .232 in 63 night games and that he has higher slugging and on-base averages under the sun, too.

And that he is batting .317 with 8 HR and 25 RBI in 50 games at Wrigley Field - where he has to constantly adjust from day to night and back again - vs. .208, 3 and 10 on the road.

And that Jake Fox also is in his first year with the Cubs and has only one fewer RBI than Bradley's 35 in far fewer than half as many plate appearances - and for far less financial compensation.

Sooner or later, every North Sider who fails eventually trots out the "Cubs play too many day games" excuse.

So, at least in that respect, Bradley isn't a disappointment.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

It's especially amazing that, five months into the season, a $30 million (alleged) run-producer has a grand total of 35 RBI.

That ranks Bradley tied for 207th in Major League Baseball.

He's behind slap-hitting leadoff guys, strikeout-prone sluggers, players who have missed half the year with injuries, way-past-their-prime former stars, first-year kids who didn't get called up until well after the season began, each sibling in brother duos, sons of ex-ballplayers, two dudes named Ian (and another named Iannetta, which I believe is Italian for Little Ian), Jewish ballplayers, and, well, a bunch of guys I didn't even know existed until I did the research.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, here are the 206 players with more RBI through Friday's games than Milton "Everybody's Picking On Me" Bradley:

Prince Fielder ... Ryan Howard ... Albert Pujols ... Mark Teixeira ... Justin Morneau ... Ryan Braun ... Carlos Pena ... Jason Bay ... Adam Dunn ... Evan Longoria ... Ryan Zimmerman ... Andre Ethier ... Derrek Lee ... Mark Reynolds ... Nick Markakis ... Victor Martinez ... Kendry Morales ... Hanley Ramirez ... Bobby Abreu ... Miguel Cabrera ...

Also ...

Aaron Hill ... Chase Utley ... Carlos Lee ... Matt Kemp ... Adam Lind ... Raul Ibanez ... Ryan Ludwick ... Jayson Werth ... Jose Lopez ... Joe Mauer ... David Ortiz ... Brandon Phillips ... Adrian Gonzalez ... Russell Branyan ... Paul Konerko ... Brad Hawpe ... Kevin Kouzmanoff ... James Loney ... Jim Thome ... Kevin Youkilis ...

Also ...

Aubrey Huff ... Ian Kinsler ... Pablo Sandoval ... Jason Kubel ... Brian McCann ... Juan Rivera ... Jorge Cantu ... Jermaine Dye ... Hideki Matsui ... Casey Blake ... Shin-Soo Choo ... Torii Hunter ... Adam Jones ... Troy Tulowitzki ... Todd Helton ... Cody Ross ... Miguel Tejada ... Ben Zobrist ... Johnny Damon ... Alex Rodriguez ...

Also ...

Clint Barmes ... Billy Butler ... Brandon Inge ... Bengie Molina ... Jhonny Peralta ... Nick Swisher ... Dan Uggla ... Justin Upton ... Marlon Byrd ... Michael Young ... Robinson Cano ... Mike Lowell ... Alex Rios ... Joey Votto ... Michael Cuddyer ... Pedro Feliz ... Jorge Posada ... Yunel Escobar... Grady Sizemore ... Lance Berkman ...

Also ...

David DeJesus ... John Francoeur ... Nelson Cruz ... Brian Roberts ... Jimmy Rollins ... Luke Scott ... Carl Crawford ... Derek Jeter ... Ian Stewart ... Kurt Suzuki ... Jason Bartlett ... Adam LaRoche ... Hank Blalock ... Jack Cust ... Curtis Granderson ... Orlando Hudson ... Hunter Pence ... Alexei Ramirez ... Josh Willingham ... Mike Cameron ...

Also ...

Nate McLouth ... Dustin Pedroia ... Asdrubal Cabrera ... Chipper Jones ... Placido Polanco ... Marco Scutaro ... Shane Victorino ... David Wright ... Orlando Cabrera ... Scott Drew ... Matt Holliday ... Rod Barajas ... Franklin Gutierrez ... Aaron Rowand ... J.D. Drew ... Maicer Izturis... Alfonso Soriano ... Denard Span ... Vernon Wells ... Elijah Dukes ...

Also ...

Lyle Overbay ... Pat Burrell ... Mark DeRosa ... Nick Johnson ... Erick Aybar ... Chris Iannetta... Melky Cabrera ... Joe Crede ... Mike Jacobs ... Howie Kendrick ... Mike Napoli ... Gerardo Parra ... Ryan Theriot ... Garrett Anderson ... Gordon Beckham ... Alberto Callaspo ... Kosuke Fukudome ... Jeremy Hermida ... Adam Kennedy ... Jason Varitek ...

Also ...

Cristian Guzman ... Chase Headley ... Miguel Olivo ... Manny Ramirez ... Randy Winn ... Geoff Blum ... Jacoby Ellsbury ... Chone Figgins ... J.J. Hardy ... Miguel Montero ... Daniel Murphy ... Ryan Spilborghs ... Mark Ellis ... Andy LaRoche ... Felipe Lopez ... Ken Griffey Jr. ... Josh Hamilton ... Yadier Molina ... Aramis Ramirez ... Scott Rolen ...

Also ...

Gary Sheffield ... Mark Teahen ... Edgar Renteria ... Delmon Young ... Jay Bruce ... Matt Diaz ... David Eckstein ... Andruw Jones ... Casey Kotchman ... Colby Rasmus ... Carlos Beltran ... Jason Giambi ... Jose Guillen ... Corey Hart ... Gary Matthews Jr. ... Scott Podsednik ... B.J. Upton ... Garrett Atkins ... John Baker ... Ryan Church ...

Also ...

Ryan Garko ... Andrew McCutchen ... Casey McGehee ... Nyjer Morgan ... Nolan Reimold ... Freddy Sanchez ... Jonny Gomes ... Travis Hafner ... Russell Martin ... Magglio Ordonez ... A.J. Pierzynski ... Martin Prado ... Yuniesky Betancourt ... Mike Fontenot ... David Murphy ... Laynce Nix ... Delwyn Young ... Chris Coghlan ... Chris Davis ... Rafael Furcal ... Ramon Hernandez ... Seth Smith ... Ichiro Suzuki ... Fernando Tatis ... Adam Everett.

Whew!

Reminder

And if you haven't done so already, please check out my Bradley-centric SportsFanLive edition of The Baldest Truth by clicking HERE.

On Bradley, racism at Wrigley and the skipper

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Wild time at Wrigley on Thursday.

Lou Piniella went on and on about him being willing to take the blame for the Cubs' mess. Of course, if you check out his comments in the story I wrote for AP, you'll see that he's really not all too interested in taking any blame.

Meanwhile, Milton Bradley was doing his thing again: Going oh-fer at the plate in another inexplicable loss to the Nats and yakking it up afterward on how difficult it is to be him. I think he took another shot at Cubs fans, but with Milton talking in circles, one never can be too sure.

You certainly don't want to miss my exclusive SportsFanLive post on the subject: click here.

What? No bacin?

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Honest to goodness, here's what it said on a sign my wife and I saw at a Hardees the other day while driving through Bowling Green, Ky.:

NEW

FRIED

BOLONGA

BISUIT

Which do you like more, their spelling skills or their culinary imagination?

I'd have taken a photo with my cell camera for proof, but we were moving along briskly on the highway so you're just going to have to take my word for it. And really, could anyone make up stuff like that?

Gotta go now and enjoy my late-night snack:

Maccaronee, cheze and fried rabit.

Cubs won't get swept in playoffs this year

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The Bald Truth

Very nice of the Cubbies to save their fans so much autumn angst.

The Balder Truth

In a shocking development, Lou Holtz looked into the ESPN cameras the other day and predicted Notre Dame would play in the BCS Make-Believe Title Game.

Next on the Worldwide Leader: Digger Phelps goes out on a limb in forecasting a Big East hoops championship for the Fighting Irish.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Word is, some Vikings prefer Tarvaris Jackson to Brett Favre.

Um ... have these Vikings actually watched Tarvaris Jackson play?

No worries for White Sox

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The White Sox are about to join their North Side neighbors as Chicago baseball afterthoughts. But, hey, let's turn those South Side frowns upside down with 5 positive thoughts about a mediocre ballclub:

5. Even if Jake Peavy never throws a pitch for the White Sox this season - his latest malady: a sore elbow after getting struck by a batted ball during Monday's rehab outing - the trade for him will have been worth it because at least the Sox were able to keep him away from the Cubs' DL.

4. The White Sox have launched a special "rookies" page on their Web site to promote Gordon Beckham, Chris Getz and Jayson Nix. Sports Marketing 101: When the team sucks, hype individuals.

3. Jermaine Dye going into the tank has put a major hurtin' on the team's chances for the division title. Cool. J.D. should be easy to sign at a discount rate this offseason.

2. Sure, Jose Contreras failed after one whole good start in a row. But because his own error opened the door for Boston's six-run third inning in Monday's 12-8 loss to the Red Sox, only one of the seven runs he allowed was earned. So yes, Jose embarrassed himself as usual, but his ERA went all the way down to 5.09!

1. Who even cares if Mark Buehrle wins again this season? He'll always have his perfect game, and nothing else really matters. (See No. 4.)

Jay Cutler: all potential, no proof (so far)

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Jay Cutler was good in Pretend Game 2 for the Bears. One week earlier, he was bad. And here's what both mean:

Zip.

Patience, people.

Even a month into the real season, it will be too early to rate Cutler's play. For that matter, Dec. 1 also will be too early.

Right now, here's what we know for sure about Jay Cutler:

He has a great arm. He is an excellent athlete. He can be a selfish jerk at times. He can be a decent teammate at times. He went to Vanderbilt, which seems to be the Bears' favorite developmental team. He wears No. 6. He is rich and is bound to get richer.

Oh, and one more thing: He has proven precious little as an NFL QB.

Last Oct. 5, the Broncos were 4-1 and Cutler had ratings of 93.3 or better in four of the team's five games. He had 10 TDs and only 4 INTs. He undoubtedly was one of the league's top QBs.

From that point on, Denver went 4-7. Cutler had only four games with ratings higher than 78. His 15 TDs were offset by 14 INTs.

Needing to win only one of their final three games to make the playoffs, the Broncos lost all three - by a combined score of 112-54. In the process, Cutler whizzed himself: 2 TDs, 4 INTs, 0 playoffs.

Then, during the offseason, he overreacted to the Broncos’ failed pursuit of Matt Cassel, finally pouting and whining his way from Denver to Chicago.

The expectations and hopes and dreams of Bears fans? Those tell us nothing about the latest Bears Savior.

All we know for certain is that the one time Jay Cutler had a chance to carry his team, he failed. Then he bailed.

Best Bears QB since Sid Luckman? Ask me again in February, OK?

Must-Miss TV: A Rocky ride

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It was on cable a few weeks ago, so I DVRed it. My son and I watched it yesterday.

I might be scarred for life and I want to save you from that fate.

Rocky Balboa, a 2006 release that was the sixth (and, God willing, last) in the series, was so cover-your-eyes stupid and schmaltzy that "bad" isn't a good enough adjective to describe it.

What statement was Sly Stallone making by naming it that instead of calling it Rocky VI? Maybe, like Balboa, he's too over-the-hill to count to six?

This film was all about Stallone desperately trying to prove his relevance. Sorry, Sly. Oh, and the toupee looked ridiculous, too.

There have been many great boxing movies. To name a few: Raging Bull ... When We Were Kings ... The Harder They Fall ... Million Dollar Baby ... and, yes, Rocky.

Rocky Balboa falls just a little short of great the same way Sly Stallone falls just a little short of Tom Hanks.

Amazingly, back in '06, many reviewers actually liked this thing. I know, because I did some Googling to check out what they wrote. For example, Sun-Times critic Richard Roeper called it "a fitting and triumphant final chapter." Then-Tribune critic Michael Wilmington wrote: "The movie itself, defying all odds, comes close to a knockout." Some dude named Mark Bell for some site called Film Threat, said: "The acting in the film is grade-A."

I'm wondering: Had these "experts" inadvertently reviewed the original Rocky? Or even Rocky III, with the glorious Mr. T stealing the show with his own unique brand of grade-A acting?

Thankfully, confirming that I'm not totally insane, plenty of rational critics agreed with me. Said the Boston Globe's Ty Burr: "It's so wrapped up in its maker's personal mythology and psychic needs that it becomes a hall of mirrors to which we're given a slack-jawed ringside seat." Said Kenneth Turan of the L.A. Times: "This is a film for gluttons for punishment. Everyone else, please leave the building."

The premise of Rocky Balboa is idiotic enough: a 50-something has-been who hasn't stepped in the ring in years decides his life won't be complete unless he goes toe-to-toe with the undefeated, in-his-prime champion.

Boxing fans who prefer realism to fantasy chuckled at all of the Rocky movies - even the superior first edition. Specifically, why wouldn't the ref have stopped the fight the first half-dozen times Apollo knocked Rocky into la-la-land? OK, it's a fairy tale. We get it.

This time, though, you have an old man getting the crap beaten out of him in the opening minutes of a so-called "exhibition." The second time he was knocked down, Rocky actually needed to use the ropes to pull himself up at the count of nine.

And yet ... the ref let the fight go on. That's not a fairy tale, it's sanctioned abuse of the elderly.

Some might say it's so bad it's funny. No. It's simply so bad. One absurd/terrible/unwatchable scene after another. On a few occasions, the writing and acting were so awful, I had to fast-forward it just to get on with the story.

OK, so why am I going on and on about a three-year-old movie? What's next? My review of Klute?

Well, I'm doing this because I love boxing movies and I hate bad boxing movies. And because Rocky Balboa is out there in cable-land, just waiting to reel in the next sucker. And because you might see that it's on, see the three stars next to the title in the cable guide and say to yourself, "You know, I never saw this one. I think I'll check it out."

Don't!

Spend those 102 minutes doing something productive ... like staring blankly into space.

You're welcome.

Blame aplenty for Memphis Mess

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OK, kids, it's time for this week's edition of THE BLAME GAME!

Who is most to blame for the Memphis mess, which has led to the university's 2007-08 basketball team being stripped of its NCAA-record 38 victories?

--John Calipari, then-Memphis coach.

--High-ranking university officials.

--Derrick Rose, then-star point guard.

--Rose's family.

--The NCAA.

--David Stern, NBA commissioner.

Here is the supporting evidence regarding each candidate ...

JOHN CALIPARI

He wasn't named in the NCAA report but he's a control freak who had to know what was going on. He certainly knew Rose's brother had accompanied the team on charter flights against NCAA rules and he likely knew Rose had used a substitute to take the SAT. This is the second time one of Calipari's Final Four teams (UMass '96 being the other) has had an entire season's worth of wins vacated because of major infractions. Although Calipari wasn't formally accused in the UMass case, either, this is one heck of a coincidence, no? Congratulations, Kentucky, you've hired the best kind of cheater - one who gets away with it.

MEMPHIS OFFICIALS

They hired Calipari even though he had a suspicious past and they provided little oversight to prevent scandal in his program. Then, after the decision was announced Thursday, they expressed their outrage and said they'd appeal. They really don't care about the lost victories, they care about the lost money; they now have to return the dough they got for the team's march to the Final Four. Hey, there's a reason "lack of institutional control" is cited in almost every one of these cases. It is the institution's responsibility to oversee its athletic program. Period.

DERRICK ROSE

He knew he was cheating and he did it anyway. His only defense is that he didn't really want to go to college but the system "forced" him to do so because the NBA no longer allowed high-schoolers to turn pro. Sorry, but that's no better than the defense Rose played for the Bulls in April, when Rajon Rondo burned him repeatedly. Say what you want about the kids who opt to go overseas instead of to college; at least they and their families play by the rules.

ROSE'S FAMILY

Derrick's other excuse: He was a kid. The adults around him should have known better. Of course, they probably truly believed that the right thing was having Derrick get into school by any means possible. The NBA wasn't an option and given that he failed the ACT three times, hiring an SAT stand-in must have seemed the only choice. Heck of a life lesson for young Derrick: Honesty is the best policy ... unless cheating works better.

THE NCAA

Where was the oversight to prevent Rose from using a substitute test-taker? It makes you wonder how many times this has happened over the years. Methinks plenty. The others simply haven't been caught.

DAVID STERN

Selfishly, most of us like the NBA rule that denies the future Kobes, KGs and LeBrons the opportunity to go from preps to pros. We like that our favorite NBA teams don't have to take chances on 18-year-olds and we like our college teams to get these studs. But really, how can a rule that makes universities act like minor-league teams be good? How can a rule that turns teenagers into unpaid (or at least low-paid) mercenaries be prudent? Why should a young man who clearly is good enough to make a living in his chosen profession - and one whose family might desperately need the money - be forced to wait (or to leave the country)? It would have been like telling Chris Evert or Mozart or, yes, LeBron: "Sorry, kid ... no pro for you!"

OK, given all the evidence, have you ranked your culprits? I have, and here's how I'm dividing the blame:

NCAA ... 5 percent.

STERN ... 10 percent.

MEMPHIS ... 15 percent.

CALIPARI ... 20 percent.

ROSE'S FAMILY ... 20 percent.

ROSE ... 30 percent.

I'm a big believer in personal responsibility and in each of us being held accountable for our actions.

Though Rose's family (and probably his coach) let him cheat (and probably encouraged it), it ultimately was Derrick's call. He was old enough to know right from wrong. He chose wrong, and he brought his school shame because of it.

I like to think that Rose's free-throw-line choke job, which helped deliver the '08 title to Kansas, was the karmic result.

It is Favre's life, isn't it?

^
The Bald Truth

Nobody likes a waffler, a flip-flopper, a dude who can't make up his stinkin' mind. But enough about Barack Obama and his health plan.

Seriously, why all the hate for Brett Favre?

Obviously, most folks in Minnesota are loving their newest Viking hero. And most people in Green Bay don't appreciate Favre now throwing for the enemy. And, of course, most Chicagoans would spit on Favre no matter his team (unless it was da Bears, my friend).

Otherwise, what's the big deal? Why are so many people so upset that Favre can't bring himself to walk away from the game he loves?

Michael Jordan felt some of the same hate way back when. So did Sugar Ray Leonard. It made no sense.

Once upon a time, we hated quitters. Now, apparently, we hate guys who won't quit.

If Favre ends up stinking up the Humptydome, that's his problem (and the Vikings' massive problem). He's the one taking the risk (though perhaps not as big a risk as Minny's taking).

Some would argue that he's just being selfish. Well ... duh! If you can name one pro athlete who isn't at least a little selfish - and three who aren't a lot selfish - I'll be very impressed.

Bottom line: If you retired from your job but almost immediately had misgivings, and then a different employer in the same field offered you big money, killer benefits and ideal working conditions ... I'm guessing you'd make a comeback, too.

And I, for one, wouldn't hate you because you waffled.

The Balder Truth

Viking fans haven't been this giddy since 1989, when an already good team brought in Herschel Walker as the final piece of its championship puzzle.

That turned out pretty well, no?

THE BALDEST TRUTH

And speaking of old jocks who keep on keeping on ...

Nice move by the Cardinals to pick up John Smoltz - and for a heck of a lot less money than the Vikings are paying Favre.

If Smoltz works out as the No. 5 starter, he could be the difference in the pennant race.

If he fails, he likely will not have been hit any harder than the other bottom-of-the-rotation noodle-arms the Cards have been trotting out there. In other words, the team probably will have been no worse off.

Besides, this is starting to feel like one of those stretches in which just about everything the Redbirds touch turns to gold.

So figure Smoltz for a few wins - no doubt backed by Matt Holliday homers, Mark DeRosa RBIs and Julio Lugo fielding plays.

Why, Tony La Russa will be so happy, he actually might think about smiling for a second.