Ten reasons the Bears should sign Terrell Owens:
1. Why should Brian Urlacher have to carry the burden of being the team's only overhyped, overpaid, over-the-hill guy?
2. T.O. would show Devin Hester how to drop passes like a true pro.
3. Without Tank Johnson, Cedric Benson and Rex Grossman, Bear Country has gotten too damn boring.
4. All those who hate Ron Turner's offense would be able to live vicariously through T.O., who no doubt would articulate his feelings about 15 minutes into the season opener.
5. Ever since Moose Muhammad left, the Bears haven't had anybody to take cheap shots at Kyle Orton. Anybody other than Jerry Angelo, anyway.
6. In the words of Drew Rosenhaus: "Next question!"
7. T.O. is politically correct. He'll disrespect a black coach and a white QB just as completely as he disrespected a white coach and a black QB.
8. Did I say they should sign T.O.? What was I thinking? He'd have no chance to crack a receiving corps that includes Brandon Rideau and Rashied Davis.
9. We know the Bears are "close" to winning the Super Bowl because Coach Lovie says so, and T.O. obviously would be the final piece of the championship puzzle.
10. He already is working on his first end-zone celebration as a Bear: spiking the football over the crossbar while doing a spot-on imitation of Da Coach going postal on Jim Harbaugh.
The Bald Truth
Now that a stand-up, clean-living citizen like Darryl Strawberry has said he, too, would have used steroids, it certainly takes all the juicers off the hook.
Does A-Roid really have a torn labrum in his hip, or is he just trying to scam some doctor into writing him a prescription for Primobolan?
THE BALDEST TRUTH
If you don't watch Friday Night Lights yet, please start doing so: Friday on NBC at 8 p.m. Central.
This show about teen angst, big-time Texas prep football and adults' uncanny ability to mess up youth sports is too good to be scrapped due to lack of viewership.
Step up, people!