Wow. Not a single Chicago Bear is ranked in the top 56 on Sporting News' 2009 list of the NFL's 100 greatest players. And get this: Jay Cutler is No. 68, right between Lofa Tatupu and Kris Jenkins.
This is all the information anybody needs to realize that the list is a complete sham, my friends.
Peyton Manning No. 1? Just wait 'til he has to go head-to-head in the Super Bowl against a team not quarterbacked by Rex! Bears 40, Colts 1.
Tom Brady No. 2? Let's see if he even makes it to Week 2 this year.
Adrian Peterson No. 3? Clearly, this selection was influenced by the superior Bears tailback of the same name.
I mean, who did these rankings? Packer fans, cloistered monks and Josh McDaniels' Cutler-hating staff?
Obviously, this should have been the NFL's top 10:
1. Jay Cutler. Nuff said.
2. More Jay Cutler. He throws so nice, he gets ranked twice.
3. Devin Hester. That speed ... Jay's arm ... pure magic!
4. Earl Bennett. You know that age-old football saying: There's no passer-catcher combo like one from Vanderbilt.
5. Greg Olsen. Was a great tight end even with Orton throwing to him.
6. Dez Clark. Ditto.
7. Matt Forte. Delightfully nuanced with a delicate bouquet ... nobody hands off like Cutler.
8. Olin Kreutz. The only center lucky enough to have Jay's hands you-know-where.
9. Orlando Pace. Knowing he must protect Cutler's blind side is all the motivation any left tackle needs.
10. Brian Urlacher. Just for being Jay's pal.
There. Glad that's settled. Now let's do the list of NFL teams that will go undefeated, untied and unscored-upon in 2009: