The Bulls: LeBron & Company's worst nightmare

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The last team the Miami Heat want to see in the second round of the playoffs:

The Chicago Bulls.

LeBron James, the best basketball player on the planet since Michael Jordan was in his prime, is as good as any two Bulls not named Derrick Rose. Maybe any three. Throw in Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and a nice supporting cast that includes Ray Allen and Shane Battier, and the series shouldn't even be close.

But if the Bulls get past the Nets - and it certainly seems they will after Saturday's incredible triple-OT win - they will battle the Heat to their last breaths. The Bulls will not concede. They will grab and fight and claw and frustrate and demand that you hustle as much as they do or else.

The Heat would roll over the Nets. Is it possible to win a best-of-7 series in 2? That's how lopsided that series would be. But the Bulls?

Even if the Heat were to find a way to sweep the Bulls (and I sincerely doubt they would), LeBron & Co. will have known they were in a basketball war.

It will be the kind of basketball war that could make the Heat more beatable later in the playoffs.

The Heat needs the Bulls like I need a bigger nose.
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Kardashian dumping Humphries ... how gay!

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The reality TV wedding of talentless Kim Kardashian and NBA benchwarmer Kris Humphries earned the bride 18 million bucks. It also earned the groom endless humiliation, what with Kardashian having filed for divorce after less than 2 1/2 months of wedded bliss.

All I can say is thank goodness it wasn't a gay wedding!

Because that would have been a crime against the sanctity of marriage.

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This has been a LeBron TV Production

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I was really surprised to hear that LeBron will announce his big decision in prime time Thursday on ESPN. I mean, to this point in his life, everything he's done has been so understated.

My sources tell me it's between the Grizzlies and the Bucks.

Kid all you want about the speculation and hype and rumors and such. All I know is that it can't be easy for LeBron to decide between playing one more year for the Vikings or riding tractors in Hattiesburg.

If the Bulls miss out on LeBron and D-Wade and Bosh, word is that they already have a contract ready for Ron Mercer.

Did I say the Grizzlies or Bucks? Now that Vinny Del Negro will coach the Clippers, how can LeBron resist being the No. 1 attraction for L.A.'s No. 4 pro hoops team? And psssst ... my informant tells me that LeBron will command even more money than most of the UCLA and USC kids do.

ESPN's hoops expert, Chris Broussard, put his reputation on the line Tuesday by predicting LeBron just might end up in New Jersey. Unless he goes to New York. Or Miami. Or Chicago. Or re-signs with Cleveland. Seems that Broussard's segment ran out of time before he could name the other 25 teams.

Wake me when LeWhatsHisName chooses a team

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Today's high-5:

1. Just heard that LeBron to Chicago is "a done deal." Also, that LeBron is leaning toward joining D-Wade in Miami. And that LeBron is buying the Bobcats and will talk Michael into coming out of retirement. And that LeBron wants to play wide receiver for the Browns. And that LeBron is forming his own sports network, LeSpn. And that LeBron said he'd come to the Bulls only if Reinsdorf brings "that funny-looking Crumbs dude back." And that LeBron is so angry at the way the French soccer team behaved at the World Cup that he's changing his name to TheBron.

2. Elin is going to get $750M of Tiger's dough? Jeesh! That's three times as much as I had to pay Chicago in parking tickets last year!

3. I like the team Walt Jocketty built for Dusty Baker: fundamentally sound, nice power, a little speed, decent rotation, excellent blend of veterans and kids. Not sure if the Reds have quite enough in the bullpen to win the division this year, but it's not as if the NL Central is crammed full of great teams. Here's what I wrote Thursday for AP from the Cubs-Reds series opener: READ IT.

4. The only way the stock market can do any worse than it has lately is by losing a series to the Pirates.

5. Earlier this week, I got to play the Skokie Country Club, one of the true classics in the Chicago area. With its tricky, fast greens and grippy rough, it was a bear for us media-day hacks - and it will be quite a test from the tips for the Western Amateur field next month. A three-putt bogey on my final hole condemned me to a 100, a cruel ending to three straight days of mostly fun golf in three different states - Minnesota, Wisconsin and Illinois. Oy, am I a glutton for punishment ... one shank at a time.

Run, Roland, Run!

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The Bald Truth

U.S. Sen. Roland Burris (D-Flimflammer) saying he won't run for re-election is like me saying I won't run in the Chicago Marathon.

Except I'd have a better chance of winning.

Hey, I've been working out!

The Quote I

"It's the same thing every year: You go through your bad stretch and it's full-on panic. There's better things to come for those guys. They're gonna get hot and stay hot. They have too much talent over there not to." - ex-Cubbie Kerry Wood, talking about his former club.

If memory serves, Wood's 2004 and 2005 Cubs also had too much talent.

The Balder Truth

If Clayton Richard makes another start for the White Sox, it will be one start too many. In fact, it's already been about eight starts too many.

Why are Kenny Williams and Ozzie Guillen so afraid to give Aaron Poreda the ball and let him do his thing? 

Put him on a very tight pitch count, tell him to use extra ice after each start and read him a bedtime story every night ... but for cryin' out loud, put the kid in the rotation.

The Quote II

"I've been watching more TV at night. Just got done watching Rescue Me with Dennis Leary; that's really got me locked in." - Indians catcher Kelly Shoppach, after being asked what he was doing to try to get out of his season-long slump.

Great show, Rescue Me. It's another in a series of excellent FX series. Funnier than hell. But, I warn you, not for the kiddies. And that means you, Aaron Poreda!

THE BALDEST TRUTH

The Dallas Mavericks have assembled a new version of the Phoenix team that was never quite good enough to get to the NBA Finals.

Starring as Steve Nash is Jason Kidd, who is older than Nash and can't shoot.

Starring as Amare Stoudemire is Dirk Nowitzki, who is older than Amare and likes to hang out around the 3-point line.

And starring as Shawn Marion is the newest Mav, Shawn Marion, who is older than the old Marion and about 80 percent as effective.

Yes, Mark Cuban has built a Suns-ish team that is sure to go all the way ... to the second round.

If Dirk's hitting his 3's, anyway.

At long last, Cubs pass Baseball 101

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The Bald Truth

So what if it took Lou Piniella 2 1/2 years? At least he eventually got it right: Bat the guy likely to have the highest on-base percentage first, the contact hitter who excels at going to right field (and also is decent at getting on base) second and the power guy somewhere in the middle of the order.

Kosuke Fukudome, No. 1 ... Ryan Theriot, No. 2 ... Alfonso Soriano, No. 6.

After the Cubbie skipper stopped backing down to Soriano - even benching the $136 Million Man for a couple of games in favor of The Great Sam Fuld - Piniella finally passed Baseball 101 at last.

Congrats, Lou!

The Balder Truth

Today's NBA 3-pointer:

1. Celtics get Rasheed Wallace. Here's hoping Beantown isn't actually buying that this soon-to-be-35 loon is the key to a return to championship level. If Kevin Garnett is healthy come playoff time, the Celts will have a chance. If he (or Paul Pierce) isn't, the Celtics are toast. Even in his best days, 'Sheed was no KG. And 'Sheed is at least three years removed from his best days.

2. Spurs get Richard Jefferson. This was the single best move of the NBA offseason - yes, better than the Cavs trading for The Big Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Tourist - and it gives Tim Duncan a leg up on Shaq and Kobe in the race for a fifth NBA title. Duncan + Jefferson + Tony Parker + Manu Ginobili = a lot of freakin' pluses!

3.  Dwyane Wade gives Pat Riley an ultimatum. And a deadline, too. The NBA's third-best player says he wants to stay with the Heat but, he told AP, "I want to make sure that we're on track ... before I sign back." In other words, the 2006 Finals MVP says he won't stay in Miami after next season if the team isn't a legitimate title contender. Because the Heat almost surely won't contend, it will be a wide-open race next summer for Wade's considerable talents. Will the Bulls be enough of a contender a year from now to convince Dwyane to return home? Maybe, maybe not, the Bulls do figure to have considerable cash available, which would be the next best thing.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

The long-awaited $900 million sale of the Cubs to the Ricketts family of Omaha finally appears ready to be rubber-stamped by MLB, and you know what that means:

Jim Hendry soon will be allowed to throw more millions at overhyped, underproductive ballplayers in a desperate attempt to buy off the baseball gods.

Wheee!