All hail new Cubbie savior Castro

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You know you're a cynic when the first thought that pops into your head after hearing the Cubs just called up shortstop savior Starlin Castro is: "Well, now a lineup that was too right-handed before gets even more right-handed. Good luck with that."

I enjoyed watching Castro when I was in Arizona covering spring training. Other than apparently being allergic to drawing walks, there were few things he didn't do well. He has annihilated the ball at Double-A - think lots of singles and doubles, kids, not home runs - and he obviously has tremendous tools.

Even though he kept calling him "Starling" (and, a couple of times, "Sterling"), Lou Piniella fell in love with Castro in Mesa. Lou and Jim Hendry felt they had to do something after watching their Unlovable Losers score 5 runs total during a three-game sweep at Pittsburgh against the worst pitching staff in the majors - the same noodle-arms that served up 36 runs in a three-game series to the Brewers.

Calling up Castro, who just turned 20, sends a nice message ... but they didn't just do it for effect. He will play. Ryan Theriot moves back to second base, where he belongs.

My wife won't like it because lilliputian Mike Fontenot is her favorite player - he's the only professional athlete my 5-foot-3 bride can stare in the eye - but he clearly isn't an everyday big-league second baseman.

On the other hand, Fontenot was one of the few left-handed hitters Piniella could put in the lineup. Piniella now is down to one: Kosuke Fukudome. And Cubbie fans fooled by his good numbers must have forgotten the way The Fook turned hot starts into shockingly bad finishes each of his first two years in the majors. As the pressure mounts, expect lots of Fukudome's patented spin-a-rama whiffs.

The Cubs still miss Jim Edmonds, who was far more of a catalyst in 2008 than most want to admit. Legitimate contenders need a couple of left-handed hitters capable of taking the ball out of the yard - and capable of making the opponent have to pitch differently. Period.

I don't want to hear that most of the right-handed Cubbies traditionally do well against righty pitchers. Every manager, including Piniella, knows it's never good to let the opposing pitcher see nothing but righties one after another after another.

The lineup most days: Theriot ... Fukudome ... Lee ... Ramirez ... Byrd ... Soriano ... Soto ... Castro.

That's R-L-R-R-R-R-R-R. Good luck finding any championship team of recent vintage with so little balance.

P.S.: I know Lou has dropped Ramirez to sixth. But the simple fact is that if Ramirez and Lee don't start hitting, the Cubs are dead even in the unlikely event that a 20-year-old kid lives up to the over-the-top, Corey-Pattersonian hype.

Limiting Bulls to Van Gundys, Fratellos would be silly

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We could start and end with Phil Jackson and our case would be made, but that would be no fun. So let's continue with ...

Gregg Popovich ... Rudy Tomjanovich ... Pat Riley ... Tom Heinsohn ... Bill Russell ... Al Attles ... Larry Costello ...

Yes, each of those coaches won a championship - many won multiple championships - for the franchise that gave him his first NBA head-coaching job.

And I'm not even counting Chuck Daly, who coached Cleveland to a 9-32 half-season record as an interim before the Pistons took a chance on him and were rewarded with two titles. Nor am I counting the many coaches who, while leading their first NBA team, led their franchises to the Finals but lost.

So for all of those who say the Bulls absolutely must hire a guy who already has been an NBA head coach - a.k.a. a retread - I answer only with a question:

Why?

Why have a knee-jerk reaction to the Vinny debacle, forgetting that he never had been so much as an assistant JV high school coach when John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf fell in love with him?

Why not consider all of the outstanding NBA assistants who are ready to take the next step?

Why limit the field by excluding guys who might turn out to be the next Phil Jackson or Pat Riley or Gregg Popovich?

OK, that was four questions. Shoot me with a Taser.

Tase this

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I am outraged - OUTRAGED! - about that Philly cop using a Taser to subdue that freckle-faced young lad who was just trying to have fun running around the field.

Taser? Really? I mean, the cop should be suspended for not using his Glock on this moron!

"Vinny, vidi, vici" again for brainless Bulls?

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You might think John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf are as clueless as a couple of teenage virgins at a bra-unhooking convention, but believe me: The Bulls Braintrust does have a plan for this edition of the semiannual coaching search.

They will take forever ... they will interview everybody who even knows what a basketball looks like ... they will come close to hiring somebody competent but find all kinds of reasons not to hire him ... and they ultimately will settle on a guy who has never coached on any level, not even 2nd grade bitty-ball.

I mean, that plan worked to perfection last time, so what could go wrong?

Me and LeBron: so much in common

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Watching LeBron James muddle through despite his dead arm inspired me to tell a true tale about another world-class basketball stud once similarly afflicted.

My junior year at Marquette, I was the power forward on an intramural team made up solely of unathletic stiffs. The night before our playoff game, I was watching a movie with my then-girlfriend, Laura, whose head rested on my right shoulder as we sat on her couch. When I stood up a couple of hours later, my forearm was tingling and my fingers were numb but I didn't really think much of it.

When I woke up the next morning, my entire right arm was as dead as this Bulls season. I had absolutely no feeling from my shoulder to my fingers. My arm was a big, useless noodle. Concerned, I went to the health center. They said it was a pinched nerve and said all I could do was wait for the feeling to come back. Great.

Shortly after returning to my room, I got a call from our point guard, Steve, who said he'd have to miss the game because he needed to study for an upcoming test. Seeing as how I was the only other guy on our six-man roster capable of dribbling three times without kicking the ball out of bounds, this created quite a sad-sack situation.

A few hours later, it was game time. We had five players, including a right-handed point guard whose right arm might as well have been in a sling. I played as well as I could - I even made a couple of layups and a free throw, if I remember correctly - but, like the rest of the team, I was pretty much a disaster. Our big man, Tom, capped the wonderful evening by becoming the first and only guy in the history of Marquette intramural hoops to foul out - meaning we played the last few minutes 4-on-5.

I believe we lost by a zillion points, give or take a few.

Within two days, the feeling was back in my right arm. A couple of months later, Laura graduated and went back home to be with her high school sweetheart. And Steve, who thought studying was more important than an intramural playoff game? He's some hot-shot Chicago lawyer now.

There's a moral to this story somewhere, but, 29 years later, I still haven't figured out what it is.

Godspeed, LeBron.

Three Chicago losers and one rich Cardinal

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Cavs 96, Bulls 94 ... Rangers 4, White Sox 2 ... Nationals 3, Cubs 1.

Talk about your terrible twos.

Meanwhile, Bobby Cox says Albert Pujols should get $50 million a year.

Fifty million bucks! That's ridiculous.

I mean, that's almost twice as much as my last employer was paying me!

Windy City Winners (Mostly)

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Quite a weekend for Chicago's intrepid sports squads:

Puck Pluck (& Luck)

Try as they might to give away Game 5 (and quite likely the series), the Blackhawks weren't able to get the Predators to accept their generosity. All Preds star Martin Erat had to do was freeze the puck behind the Hawks net for a few more seconds. But he got greedy and made the mistake of the series - and his blind pass actually sent the Blackhawks on their way to the tying goal. At that point, it was a given that the Blackhawks would win in OT, and now it's a given that they'll win the series. Yes, the Hawks were fortunate. But unlike the Predators, they were willing and able to accept a gift - and they deserve credit for that.

Blessed Bears

Every, single player the Bears really wanted was available every time it was their turn to draft. It's an effen miracle!

Cubbie Clubbing

A Cubs team that just got finished losing five of six to the 'Stros and Mets went into Miller Park and outscored the Brewers 25-4. Which tells us all we need to know about Brewers pitching. And reminds us what we already knew about the Pirates.

So Close To Smallball

Ozzie can keep talking all he wants about the style he wants his Mighty Whities to play ... and we all can laugh our asses off. If they hit homers, they win ... as usual. If they don't, they lose ... period. Against the Mariners, they hit homers - dramatic, late homers. I know those aren't quite as exciting as sacrifice bunts, Oz, but you'll have to live with them.

A Cavalier Attitude

Be honest: You were surprised the Bulls won even one.

BONUS QUOTE

"Clearly, after this game, he's moved into first place as the best player to come out of Marquette." - Doc Rivers on Dwyane Wade.

Really? Rivers apparently forgot all about my killer moves in intramural action when we were at MU together in the early '80s!

Illini-Wildcats to fill Cub-sized void

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Smart move by the Cubs to book a Northwestern-Illinois football game at Clark & Addison for next November.

This way at least somebody will be playing at Wrigley Field after Oct. 1.

Anything - anything! - but the NFL draft!!!!

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Well, the worst day in sports just keeps growing. Now, it's the worst extended weekend in sports.

The only five things in sports worse than watching the NFL Draft on ESPN:

5. Paying Carlos Zambrano $91.5 million to be a set-up man. (Not that any team would be stupid enough to do that.)

4. Running one's fingers through Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair.

3. Forking over hard-earned money to watch the White Sox lose 12-0 on a 39-degree night at The Cell.

2. Having to suck up to Jay Cutler, as everybody in the Bears organization has to do.

1. Letting one's daughter hang out with Ben Roethlisberger.

Time to lock up Cubs and throw away the key?

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Stephen Colbert, on the fraud charges against Goldman Sachs:

"What's the problem? There's nothing illegal about selling customers a product designed to fail. The Chicago Cubs do it every year. Are they going to jail? No, I do not think that they are."

Yep, step right up and get your $60 bleacher tickets, suckers!