Thanksgiving's over, but there's always room for the Turkey of the Year countdown

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For 17 years now, I've used the Thanksgiving holiday as an occasion to lob a few grenades at each sports year’s chumps, losers, lunkheads, criminals and clods. Because I was traveling last week, this Turkey of the Year countdown is, for the first time, being presented after we’ve all consumed our turkey, stuffing and pie. I’m looking at it as a heaping helping of luscious leftovers!

Previous "winners" (and by that, I mean "losers"):

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight(2000); David Wells and Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron(2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006);Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno and the Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012); Alex Rodriguez (2013); Roger Goodell and Ray Rice (2014).

Sharp-eyed readers will notice that up until 2010, each of those Turkeys did their gobbling in Chicago or the Midwest. That's because I columnized for the Copley newspaper group in Chicago, where the annual countdown got its start under my predecessor and friend, the late, great Gene Seymour. Since moving to North Carolina, I've expanded my Turkey-choosing horizons. Still, as always, I dedicate this in memory of Gene.

So grab (yet another) hunk of pie and enjoy ...

12. BO RYAN ... Bo knows winning -- and whining. After masterfully coaching his Wisconsin Badgers into the NCAA title game, he couldn’t resist taking shots at Duke, Kentucky and other programs that use "rent-a-players." He forgot to mention that he went hard after Kevon Looney -- a freshman at UCLA last year whom everybody knew would be 1-and-done -- as well as two of this season’s top frosh, Marquette’s Henry Ellenson and Maryland’s Diamond Stone. So what Ryan really meant was that he didn’t like the fact that Coach K and Coach Cal were able to land the kind of 1-and-dones who apparently want nothing to do with Coach Bo. Hypocrites make wonderful turkeys!

11. TED LILLY ... The former Cubs, Dodgers, Yankees, A’s and Blue Jays pitcher took out an insurance policy on his RV and then crashed it four days later, claiming $4,600 in damage. Routine stuff, right? Yeah, except the crash actually happened five days BEFORE he took out the policy. Once nabbed, he faced three felony charges of insurance fraud. He took a plea bargain to avoid jail time and received only a small fine, community service and probation. I can see why Lilly would try to get away with a $4,600 scam, given that he only made $80 million during his 15-year career. Of course, I’ll always remember Lilly for the way he slammed down his glove – Bad News Bears style – after giving up a home run in Game 2 of the 2007 NL playoffs. 

10. BRANDON BOSTICK ... As part of Green Bay’s “hands” unit in last season’s NFC title game, he had one job: Block for Jordy Nelson so that the Packers’ No. 1 receiver could catch the football if Seattle sent an onside kick in their direction. Instead, Green Bay’s third-string tight end tried to make the catch himself. The ball went off of his hands and helmet and was recovered by the Seahawks, who promptly drove for the winning touchdown. (As bad as that was, he didn’t deserve the death threats that came his way. What the hell is wrong with people?)

9. CLEVELAND FIREWORKS GUY & JASON PIERRE-PAUL ... Fireworks are fun, right? Pity the poor sap in charge of setting off fireworks after Indians home runs; he accidentally hit the button after Kansas City’s Alex Rios went yard and was last seen burying his head in his hands. And really pity Pierre-Paul, the Giants defensive end who damn near blew off his hand on the Fourth of July. Mom was right about not playing with matches!

8. PATRICIA DRISCOLL & ANNA HANSEN ... You can be forgiven if your reaction to both names is, “Who?” Well, Driscoll is the ex-wife of auto racer Kurt Busch, who testified in court that Driscoll is a trained assassin who has been dispatched on covert missions around the globe. And Hansen is the long-time girlfriend of Lance Armstrong; she claimed to have been driving the car when a drunk Armstrong drove into two parked cars after a party and then fled the scene. Armstrong, one of the most infamous pathological liars in history, let Hansen take the fall. You can’t make up stuff like this.

7. GREG ABBOTT ... After the Astros scored three runs in the seventh inning to take a 6-2 lead in Game 4 of the ALDS, the Texas governor sent out a tweet congratulating the ‘Stros for advancing to the ALCS. Problem was, the Royals came back with five runs in the eighth. They won that game and then took Game 5 two days later to capture the series. Oops! But hey, at least this Texas governor didn’t take the national debate stage and forget which federal agencies he’d eliminate. Nor did he proclaim “Mission Accomplished” a few months into an unnecessary, unfunded, decade-long war. In other words, there’s still plenty of time to REALLY embarrass yourself, Gov. Abbott!

6. ROGER GOODELL ... It was another tough year for the NFL commissioner, our 2014 Turkey of the Year. Tom Brady got away with cheating. Greg Hardy got away with beating the crap out of his girlfriend. Goodell’s nemesis, the Patriots, won the Super Bowl and he spinelessly skipped their banner-raising celebration. Goodell also got caught lying in the aftermath of the Ray Rice fiasco. And so on and so on. Why do NFL owners put up with him? (Hell, they don’t just put up with him, they pay him tens of millions of dollars annually!) Well, because he is good at making the league money, especially TV money. So maybe it wasn’t that bad a year after all for Goodell, who can count his bounty while he ignores his critics.

  

5. PETE CARROLL ... The Seahawks coach has taken endless grief for his decision to try to win the Super Bowl by having Russell Wilson attempt a second-down pass from the 1-yard line -- a pass that was intercepted by the Patriots’ Malcolm Butler. Some have labeled it the worst play call in NFL history. Most felt Carroll should have run Marshawn Lynch up the middle. Frankly, I don’t think passing in that situation was such a bad idea, but I’d have preferred Carroll give Wilson a run-pass option to the outside, a play that would have let Wilson easily throw the ball away if nobody was open and there was no running lane. Regardless of what one thinks of Carroll’s decision, though, there’s no question it began what has turned out to be a trying 2015 for him and his team.

4. DUKE-MIAMI GAME OFFICIALS ... I don’t know why anybody should be critical of
referee Jerry Magallanes and his crew. After all, they only blew FOUR calls during the Hurricanes’ last-second, 8-lateral desperation play – a play that resulted in a ridiculous Miami touchdown that cost Duke the game. Miami finished 8-4 to Duke’s 7-5 and probably will get to play in a more lucrative bowl game, too. The sitaution was so bad that the ACC actually suspended the crew for two weeks -- and conferences HATE acknowledging officiating errors. While this boo-boo was especially amazing because the officials didn’t correctly use a replay system that was put in place to avoid just this kind of outcome, it was merely this season’s most egregious screw-up by college and pro football refs. Pass interference especially seems like just a “best guess” for these clowns. 

3.  LARRY BROWN & SMU ADMINISTRATION ... I understand the allure of Brown, who wins wherever he coaches. But he should stick to the pros, where he doesn’t have to cheat to win. Brown’s SMU hoops team was barred from the postseason and hit with other major sanctions after Brown was found guilty of academic fraud and unethical conduct. Brown, whose Hall of Fame career includes a long history of NBA success, has coached at three universities. All three – Kansas, UCLA and SMU – ended up getting punished for major violations under Brown. SMU, the only school ever to be hit with the “death penalty” for football violations a couple decades back, should have known better. But I guess Brown is just too darn irresistible.

2. CHASE UTLEY ... The dirty Dodger’s sinful slide in the NLCS ended the season of Mets SS Ruben Tejada. It was gratifying that the incident ended up fueling the passion that soon helped the Mets end the Dodgers’ season. Utley used to be a great player, but he has been declining for years -- and apparently this kind of douchebaggery is all he has left. Sorry, but those who argue it was just a guy “playing hard” are turkeys, too.

And now, for the 2015 Turkey of the Year, it's nice to return the "honor" to its Chicago roots ...

DERRICK ROSE 

After missing two-thirds of his team's games over the previous four seasons, what was the major topic the Bulls star wanted to discuss as the team opened training camp this year? His health? His excitement about getting back with his teammates? His desire to return to MVP form and lead the Bulls to the NBA title? Not quite. 

"This whole summer I had tunnel vision. My mindset was I was working out every day and spending as much time as possible with my son, making sure my family is financially stable. As far as you see all the money they're passing out in this league -- just telling the truth -- and knowing my day will be coming up soon. It's not for me. It's for P.J. and his future. So that's what I'm thinking about right now." 

It's important to note that Rose had been asked a question about an entirely different subject. Unsolicited, he brought up being a free agent -- something that's still two years away for him.

A reporter asked a follow-up question just to make sure that really was Rose’s main focus.

“Yeah … I’m preparing for it.” 

Hey Derrick, you know what really will help you make even more money than the $100 million-plus your current contract is paying you? 

How about playing most of your team’s games and, you know, actually accomplishing something in the postseason?!?!

Wacky, wild, weird, wonderful, woeful: What a week it was!

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It's been an interesting week, to say the least ...

Losing With ... Um ... Style?

My old-man softball team, which won the regular-season fall title, lost in the second round of the postseason tournament. It wasn't your run-of-the-mill defeat.

After a hit by our opponent early in the game, our shortstop took the relay and tried to throw the runner out at third, but our third baseman wasn't on the bag. Our shortstop yelled at our third baseman, who took umbrage and yelled back. The two moved closer to each other and jawed for a couple of minutes while players from both teams watched in bemusement. After the inning, the third baseman walked off the field, said, "I've had enough of this shit," and left the ballpark. Amazing.

We didn't play well and trailed 18-10 going into the bottom of the sixth. But we rallied gamely, scoring 5 runs that inning, giving up one run in the top of the seventh and scoring 3 in the bottom of the seventh to pull within 19-18. We had the bases loaded and two outs. Our batter scratched out an infield hit to tie the game, but our runner at second tried to come all the way around to score and was called out on a very close play at the plate. The umpire's emphatic call led to much whining (and more than a little cussing).

So the game went into extra innings ... and we lost. On the final play, our baserunner went into second standing up and made contact with the opposing second baseman. Tempers flared and much shouting ensued. Shortly thereafter, our left fielder -- who earlier in the season had almost brawled with our first baseman -- somehow got into it with the umpire. The two were wrestling like a couple of ancient polar bears; in the process, our left fielder pulled the umpire's shirt over his head, hockey-style.

Yep, we're a bunch of codgers but we still have fire in our ever-expanding bellies!

Losing With Consistency

The Panthers, my adopted team, pulled off the rare feet of losing twice at home within 5 days. In so doing, they went from having a fairly commanding lead in the NFL's worst division to having little chance to repeat as NFC South champs.

The Panthers have never had back-to-back winning seasons. Yes, that's never as in NEVER EVER. And it certainly looks like the streak will continue. The team's decision to go cheap in the defensive backfield, at wide receiver and on the offensive line has created too many weaknesses to overcome.

As is usually the case in sports, a team gets what it deserves.

Love The Ump!

I had an assignment at one field and then had to hustle to a completely different facility to umpire another game. The first game went into extra innings, so I didn't get to the second game until the bottom of the first inning was just ending. They had started the game with one of the dads calling strikes and balls while standing behind the pitcher's mound.

At the end of the inning, I walked onto the field. The coach who saw me first smiled broadly, shook my hand and said something most umpires never hear:

"Thank God you're here!"

Only The Best For The Cubbies

After yet another awful season, the Cubs are ready to hire ex-Rays manager Joe Maddon to finally get them to the promised land. Nobody denies he is the "best manager available."

If I were a cynic -- and we all know I'm not, right? -- I might point out that Lou Piniella and Dusty Baker each unquestionably was the "best manager available" when hired to rule over Cubbieland. If memory serves, the same even was said about Don Baylor and Jim Riggleman.

Yeah, optimists might say, but things will be different this time. The Cubs actually have a management plan. In Theo Epstein, they have a president with a proven track record of building World Series winners.

Oh, that is different. It's not as if Andy MacPhail had ever built a winner before coming to Cubbieland.

All I know is that nobody under the age of 106 ever lost a cent betting against a Cubs championship.

Eagles Are Flying Again

The Scholars Academy Eagles -- the middle-school girls' basketball team I coach -- held our tryouts and our first practice of the season this week.

Our team is deeper, taller, more experienced and, I believe, more talented than we were last season. At our first practice last year, we had trouble making layups. Layups? What am I saying? We had trouble making a single layup! Yesterday, we were making most of them ... and some jumpers, too.

Both the athletic director and executive director (that's right -- charter schools have executive directors, not principals) already have commented how good the team looks. Great. I was just thinking I need a little more pressure in my life!

I think I'll wait until we've played a game or three before I declare us a juggernaut-to-be. We still will be smaller than most opponents, still will have to scrap and fight for every win.

We also still have to show we will have the same kind of chemistry last year's team did.

The first game is Nov. 13 ... and I'm already nervous!

A Giant Among Giants

So many are praising Madison Bumgarner so much that this is where the voice-of-reason in me usually says: "Slow down. He isn't really the best World Series pitcher ever."

But you know what? He might be.

That last relief outing, with Bumgarner pitching 5 shutout innings in the Giants' 3-2 Game 7 win over the Royals ... wow!

When Joe Buck asked after the eighth inning: "How can Bruce Bochy take him out of the game?" I actually screamed at the TV: He can't!

Kudos to Bochy for not thinking he needed to do more managing. It was similar to Ozzie Guillen's understated managing during the White Sox's run to the 2005 title. Ozzie, you'll remember, let four straight starters pitch complete games in the ALCS.

Had Tony La Russa been San Fran's manager, you know damn well that he would have felt compelled to use a half-dozen relievers  -- and not one of them would have been half as good as Madison Bumgarner!

Riding A Writing Hot Streak

I just completed a three-part series for financial site Seeking Alpha about excellent Dividend Growth Investing opportunities. (Read Part 3 here.) The first two parts have combined to draw some 40,000 pageviews and 1,000 comments, and each of the three was designated an "Editors' Pick."

It's almost as if I used to be a writer or something!
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Unlike Cubbies, Blackhawks found a way to win -- not another way lose

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If that had been the Cubs playing the Red Wings, they would have lost in overtime ... and "cursed" again would have been the word of the day, week, month, year, decade and century.

If that had been the White Sox playing the Red Wings, they would have lost in overtime ... and Hawk would have been whining about the dadgum dodobird who cost them the series.

If that had been the Bulls playing the Red Wings, they would have lost in overtime ... and conspiracy theorists would have opined that "of course, the NBA wanted the Red Wings to win."

If that had been the Bears playing the Red Wings, they would have lost in overtime ... and Jay Cutler would have shoved an offensive lineman after J.C.'s game-losing interception.

Thankfully, the Blackhawks were the Chicago team playing the Red Wings.

They weren't happy that a bad offsetting-penalty call nullified Niklas Hjalmarsson's apparent game-winning goal with less than 2 minutes left in regulation. But they quickly got over the disappointment, regrouped during the break before overtime and won it on Brent Seabrook's goal early in OT.

Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews, who is trying to lead his squad to a second Stanley Cup championship in four years, rallied the team after regulation, reminding his mates that the refs hadn't cost the Hawks the series. The Blackhawks, he said, still controlled their own destiny.

"Keep working," Toews said. "We were not going to go away that way."

Yes, it sucks to be victimized by a bad call. But every game in every sport includes hundreds of good plays and bad plays by both teams, good moves and bad moves by both coaches and good calls and bad calls by the officials. It's especially pathetic when a team caves after a bad call or an unfortunate bounce that doesn't even end the season -- yes, I'm talking to you, 1985 Cardinals, 1986 Red Sox and 2003 Cubs.

Many people forget that even after Don Denkinger's screw-up, Bill Buckner's blunder and Steve Bartman's foul play, the Cards, Sox and Cubs still had a chance to prevail. Each memorable moment came in a Game 6 and only tied the series. Instead, St. Louis, Boston and Chicago shrunk from the challenge and folded in Game 7. To this day, fans of those teams blame Denkinger, Buckner and Bartman.

If only those teams -- if only ALL teams -- took fate into their own hands, held themselves accountable and got the job done.

You know, just as Toews and the Blackhawks did.
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Today's High Five - Baseball Edition

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5. Any day now, Derek Jeter will become the 28th player in major league history to achieve the 3,000-hit milestone. His pursuit already has garnered more publicity than the other 27.

Combined.

Please, oh god of baseball (and all things ESPN), let it happen already!

4. Can't we just bronze Albert Pujols and put him in the Hall of Fame right now?

3. I can't remember ever seeing a lamer effort at preventing a home run than the one turned in by White Sox centerfielder Alex Rios on Wednesday. He took his time pursuing Eric Hosmer's sky-high deep fly off Edwin Jackson and never even jumped as the ball bounced off the top of the wall and over the fence to give the Royals a 2-0 lead in a game they'd win 4-1.

How bad was it? Even the biggest homer in all announcing, Hawk Harrelson, ripped him.

Rios did manage one hit, lifting his batting average to a robust .216. Hey, what do you expect from a guy only making $70 million?

One thing's for sure: Had Rios -- not Dewayne Wise -- been playing center field for the White Sox on July 23, 2009, Mark Buehrle wouldn't have pitched a perfect game.

2. I don't envy the Mets when it comes to dealing with Jose Reyes.

As he's showing this season, when healthy he is one of baseball's most dynamic, valuable players.

Far too often, however, Reyes is not healthy. In fact, he's out with a tweaked hamstring right now.

How can the Mets afford to sign such a fragile dude to the nine-figure contract he'll demand as a free agent this offseason?

Then again, given their talent level, how can they afford not to?

1. Five years ago, Aramis Ramirez and first-year Cub Juan Pierre were high-paid players in contract years. Both were so awful in the first third of the season that they condemned the team to abject failure.

Both players went on to perform well when the pressure was off and earned ridiculously rich new contracts after the season.

Flash forward to 2011. Ramirez and first-year Cub Carlos Pena are high-paid players in contract years. Both were so awful in the first third of the season that they condemned the team to abject failure.

Now that the Cubs are approximately 1,000 games out of first place and the pressure is completely off, both Ramirez and Pena are smashing the ball all over the place.

What a surprise.

The biggest myth in all of baseball is that Aramis Ramirez is a good clutch player. Truth is, he's one of the biggest chokers in modern history.
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Baseball's kind "Killer"

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Not long after I arrived in Minneapolis as a kid sportswriter for AP, I met Harmon Killebrew, then an announcer for the Twins. For the next several years, I enjoyed his company tremendously.

He was generous with his time, gracious with his words and gentle with his deeds.

Indeed, as a human being, he was the opposite of the nickname he earned as a home-run smashing Hall of Famer: Killer.

Harmon died Tuesday after a long fight with cancer. Baseball, and the world in general, is worse for his absence.
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Today's High 5

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1. What do you suppose Jay Mariotti would have written had Ozzie Guillen been tossed in the pokey for allegedly roughing up a woman?

Well, you know it would start something like: "The White Sox have to fire The Blizzard of Oz, whose act has gone from vulgar and stupid to assault and battery. And if the gutless White Sox won't fire him, it's up to the Blizzard to do the honorable thing and resign."

OK, ESPN and AOL Fanhouse ... it's your move. Because one thing we know for sure: Mariotti won't do the honorable thing. There are decent people who do bad things, and then there simply are bad people. We're pretty sure on which side of the line Mariotti falls.

The thing about being Mr. High N. Mighty is that you don't get a lot of sympathy when you get accused of felonies.

Hmmm ... a felony? Hey, maybe it's all part of Jay's plan to be the next governor of Illinois.

Now wouldn't that be bleeping golden?

2. And speaking of wretched human beings ... Rod Blagojevich is so pathetic and delusional, I almost feel sorry for him.

Almost.

The man actually thinks being found guilty of a felony and facing re-trial on 23 other counts - for which he likely will be found guilty next time - is proof of his innocence.

3. Were my ears deceiving me, or was Hawk Harrelson really blaming the umpires for the White Sox losing 2 of 3 to the Royals?

Turns out, the White Sox were neither as bad as the team that showed up the first third of the season nor as good as the team that was playing .800 ball in the second third.

In the third third, we're seeing the truth: They're just another mediocre ballclub. One that apparently can't get enough separation from the K.C. Laughingstocks to make the umpires non-factors.

Just curious: Did the umpires also cost the Sox that series against the Twins? How about the series against the Orioles? Or the other series against the Twins? Or ...

4. Bravo to Lou Piniella for doing what he should have done last month when he announced he was retiring after the season. There was no reason for him to stay on for two more months of wretched baseball.

Tom Ricketts and Jim Hendry should have asked him to step aside back then. I'm glad Lou saw the light now, even if it was as much about his ailing mother as it was about his failing ballclub.

People often ask me, "Is so-and-so a good guy?" Or "Is so-and-so as big a jerk as he seems?" My answer usually is: "Well, I really only get to know so-and-so a little bit, so it's hard to say."

But I do feel I know Lou pretty well, and I do feel he is one of the good guys.

Lou's final postgame press conference was both poignant and classy. When I think back on it, I'll remember the tears streaming down his cheeks - not the fact that his last game was a 16-5 loss and the last play he oversaw as a big-league skipper was a double-play grounder off the bat of a guy who should be in Triple-A.

Enjoy your golden years, Lou. You deserve it.

5. I actually said my goodbye to Lou on Friday after he finished his pregame chat with us media mopes and did his radio show with Ron Santo. As he stepped onto the field to watch batting practice, I pulled him aside and told him it was my last game. (Little did I know, it was the start of his last series.)

I told him I was moving to North Carolina in a few days. I also told him I very much enjoyed writing about him and getting to know him these last four years. He told me he liked working with me, too. We exchanged a few pleasantries, had a nice handshake, wished each other good health and that was that. (I had a similar get-together with Ozzie at Sox Park the previous week.)

Later that day, Derrek Lee made his debut with the Braves and I had to write an extra story about that. Then, one strike away from a rare Cubbie win, Carlos Marmol blew the game in the ninth inning when, after walking the bases loaded, he served up a triple to Rick Ankiel. Which meant I had to rewrite my entire story, top to bottom, in about 5 minutes. I have a couple of minor projects to finish up, but that's how my final game-day went. Pretty wild.

About an hour later, I walked out of Wrigley Field, quite possibly for the last time in my life. Who knows? It might have been the last big-league ballgame ever for me. Really.

And if so, that's cool. I've had a hell of a ride ... and there's still plenty of tread on the tires for new adventures.

I'm extremely excited about whatever awaits me in Charlotte. It might include sports, but it might not. It might include writing, but it might not.

There's a whole wide world out there, folks, and I plan to experience it.
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Cubs appreciate losing Blackhawks, raining Pittsburgh

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Wednesday sure was a nice night for sports ...

Nice of the Blackhawks to lose to the Flyers, guaranteeing an extended Stanley Cup Finals and keeping the Cubs and White Sox off the front pages of the Chicago newspapers for a little while longer.

Nice of Ken Griffey Jr. to wake up long enough to announce his retirement.

Nice of it to rain in Pittsburgh, preventing all those Pirates fans - like, 2,000 of them! - from celebrating yet another win over the Cubbies.

Nice of Jim Joyce to admit perhaps the biggest umpiring gaffe since Don Denkinger's 1985 all-timer: "I just cost the kid a perfect game."

Nice of Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga to provide the perfectly classy quote about Joyce's screw-up: "He probably feels more bad than me. Nobody's perfect. Everybody's human. I understand."

If only they had Jay Cutler, too

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Losing 11-0 to the worst team in the league with your ace on the mound ... and getting three hits against a dude with a 6.23 ERA.

Thank goodness Jake Peavy is ready to save the day for the White Sox!

Understand this, Joe: Don't shoot the A-Roid messenger

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The List

Eight observations at the baseball season's one-month mark:

1. Hey, Joe Girardi, the Yankees need you to manage your ballclub, not the news. You might or might not win doing the former, but you sure as hell won't win trying to do the latter.

Girardi spent far too much of his Sunday ripping into Selena Roberts for writing a book about Alex Rodriguez and the publishers of "A-Rod" for moving up the release date after some of the book's passages were leaked to a New York tabloid.

"It's interesting how the book date got moved up," Girardi told the rabid New York press corps. "I don't understand why someone would write a book like this anyway."

Oh, please. Joe is Northwestern educated. He's a smart guy. He knows exactly why this book was written.

For one, because A-Rod, the highest-paid athlete in the history of team sports, sullied his name, his employers and his sport by taking steroids and repeatedly lying about it. For another, because the book will sell and make money for the publisher and for Roberts, a talented Sports Illustrated writer.

You know, money. That's the same reason Rodriguez plays baseball instead of working as an administrative assistant for a non-profit organization. The same reason, by his own admission, that he took 'roids in the first place. The same reason Girardi works as a manager for the Steinbrenners instead of working as a stockboy for a family that owns a chain of shoe stores.

As for the book date getting moved up ... hello! Again, money. Strike while the fire is hot. In November, most ballparks will be cold, but that didn't stop MLB from pushing this year's World Series into November - because of money.

Among other things, Roberts' book alleges that A-Roid took performance-enhancers since joining the Yankees - after he swore on a stack of syringes that he stopped juicing before he left Texas for New York. The book also suggests he took steroids back in his high school days.

Surely, A-Roid vehemently denied these ridiculous allegations once they became public, right?

Uh, no. He just said he wouldn't talk about them. Best not to be caught in more lies, I suppose.

"A-Rod" is important to baseball's history. And it will be one of the top selling books this year.

Surely, Northwestern Joe does understand all of that.

2. Pitchers should not try to leg out bunt hits. Carlos Zambrano did just that - not only tried but succeeded. The cost, however, could be high. The Cubs ace hurt his hamstring and will miss some starts.

His manager defended him for his aggressiveness, and I get where Lou Piniella is coming from, but really? He wants his $90 million pitcher doing this in an early-May game - especially when said pitcher has so much power that Lou has used him as a pinch-hitter repeatedly this season?

Next time, Lou, tell Cra-Z to swing the bat.

3. Cito Gaston had a reputation as a "push-button manager" his first time around in Toronto. So when the Blue Jays fired him a few seasons after he led a powerhouse team to consecutive championships, no other team was willing to hire him for an entire decade. 

Now Gaston is back running the Blue Jays and they are in first place. Once again, they have a high-scoring lineup, as well as one of baseball's best pitchers in Roy Halladay.

It must at least be possible that the manager is doing something right, no?

4. It's time for the White Sox to thank Jose Contreras for everything he did back in 2005 and then present him with lovely parting gifts.

No team needs an 83-year-old pitcher with an 8.31 ERA.

No contending team does, anyway.

5. Toronto, Kansas City, Seattle, Florida, St. Louis.

Well, maybe some of us at least picked the Dodgers to take the NL West.

(Not me, of course, but some of us.)

6. And speaking of surprises: Jason Marquis ... Colorado Rockies ... 4-1 ... 3.31 ERA. The Cubbie and Redbird reject has almost half of his team's wins. Wow.

7. Here's something a little less shocking: Albert Pujols is the best hitter in baseball. Period.

Based on what I've seen - dropped throws, failed scoops and muffed grounders - Pujols' fielding at first base is a little overrated. 

But there is nothing overrated about the man's .356 average, 9 homers and 29 RBIs for a surprise first-place Cardinals club.

8. Based on the early evidence, there is not one great team in the majors this season.

More than just a few bad ones, though.

Enough booing, Wise guys

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The Bald Truth

It's not DeWayne Wise's fault that he's DeWayne Wise.

So I sure hope that all those White Sox fans booing every time the leadoff-man-by-default made an out in Wednesday's shutout loss to the Royals were booing Sox GM Kenny Williams for not finding a better player and manager Ozzie Guillen for insisting upon batting Wise at the top of the order.

Wise is a low-average, low-on-base-percentage guy. Period. That's what he's been as he's bounced around the majors and minors (mostly the minors) for a dozen years.

If he's the best a contender can do for a leadoff hitter, maybe the contender isn't really a contender.

Hey, Cubbieland ...

Bet you didn't expect Kosuke Fukudome to be batting .444 and Milton Bradley .000, did you?

Gotta love those first-week-of-the-season stats!

The Question

How many f-bombs did Bobby Cox launch while he helplessly watched three Atlanta relievers walk four Philly batters with the bases loaded as the Braves blew a 7-run, 7th-inning lead?

The Balder Truth

Here's the headline and subhead on page 59 of this week's Sports Illustrated:

STAR ATTRACTION: At 54, Chris Evert and Greg Norman make each other feel like high school sweethearts, but can wedded bliss rejuvenate him enough to conquer Augusta National, the course that has haunted him?

Well, maybe ... if by "conquer" SI means Norman might scramble well enough to make the cut.

I mean, come on! They might as well be asking if Chrissy is rejuvenated enough to conquer Wimbledon.

The Quote

"'Just make me look really cool.' And I think she pulled it off." - Mark Teahen, Royals second baseman, on what he told a Magnificent Mile stylist before she gave him a "fauxhawk."

Yeah, I know this is where I'm supposed to post a picture of Teahen's haircut. Sorry, but they frown on using cellphone cameras in big-league clubhouses, and I don't really want to get kicked out for life.

Besides, I'm more partial to the traditional mohawk. Mostly bald, you know.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Was slumping Sox slugger Carlos Quentin really thinking about charging the mound after he got plunked by Zack Greinke? Pathetic.

Quentin practically stands on top of the plate. Then, just for emphasis, he leans over the plate, too. No wonder he was hit by pitches 20 times last season - third-most in the majors - even though he missed the last month. No wonder he led three minor leagues in the stat early in his career.

"Everybody that gets hit gets upset, especially when you’re ... not swinging the bat well," Guillen said. "Carlos is gonna get hit a lot because he stands up on top of the plate. I don’t think it was intentional."

Good point. Maybe if Quentin weren't 0-for-the-season, he wouldn't have thought about starting a fight when he got plunked Wednesday.

Grow up and face facts, dude. You lean over the plate at your own peril.

Tell you what: If he did that against Bob Gibson, he'd already be 6 feet under.

White Sox and Cubs: Chicago will smile (until the playoffs, anyway)

^

This is my 15th year as a Chicago sportswriter, and here is the number of times I have predicted the Cubs and White Sox to win their divisions in the same season:

Zero. Zip. Zilch. Never. Ever. Ever.

Until this season.

As you'll see, these predictions aren't exactly being made with complete confidence ...

AL CENTRAL

1. Chicago White Sox: When the big acquisitions to a team that needed a 163rd game to win the division a year earlier were Bartolo Colon and Wilson Betemit, this doesn't exactly make one want to sing the praises of the South Siders - or their GM, Kenny Williams. Nevertheless, I've learned not to underestimate Williams; he and his scouts have been right more often than they have been wrong. Yes, the Sox are getting old in some very important spots, but how do I pick against a team that - at least on paper - has the best rotation and the best bullpen in the division? Unless Gavin Floyd, John Danks, Alexei Ramirez and Carlos Quentin were mirages last season, the White Sox should be able to reach (or be close to) the 90 victories it will take to win the AL Central. Warning, Sox fans: The lads have never won the division when I've predicted them to do so, and I've done so six times this decade.

2. Cleveland Indians: There are so many question marks surrounding this team, which was supposed to contend for the championship last season but instead had to rally just to reach .500. They made nice moves in snagging ex-Cubbies Mark DeRosa and Kerry Wood, but what can they expect from Victor Martinez? From Travis Hafner? From Shin-Soo Choo? From Fausto Carmona? Even from Cy Young winner Cliff Lee, who is coming off a year significantly superior to his career norm? If all of those question marks turn into exclamation points, the Indians might win 100 and run away with the division. If not, well, Kerry Wood could write a 10-volume collection about What Might Have Been.

3. Minnesota Twins: This is an admirable organization that does so many things right on the field, in the front office and in the dugout. The Twins pushed the Sox to the limit last season and added Joe Crede, who, if reasonably healthy, will come back to bite the White Sox on the posteriors. Although health is important to every team, however, the Twins have less financial wiggle room than most to cover for injuries. So the absence of All-Star Joe Mauer all spring and the lingering woes of some pitchers make it difficult to predict anything higher than third place for Ron Gardenhire's crew.

4. Kansas City Royals: These guys can pitch, and that means they might be more dangerous than most folks think. No, I wouldn't be surprised if they finished last again ... but I'd be very surprised if they didn't spoil things for the top teams in the division.

5. Detroit Tigers: Things are tough ... and that means it's just about time for the great Jim Leyland to quit on another organization.

NL CENTRAL

1. Chicago Cubs: Back in 2004, when everybody was gushing about how great the Cubs would be, I just wasn't buying it. I have the same kind of feeling going into 2009. One big difference this time around, though: Five years ago, the Astros and Cardinals were excellent teams; now, not so much. I'm not saying the Cubs will win the division by default because they have too much talent to make such a silly statement. I just don't think they are great. They will miss DeRosa's versatility and Wood's resiliency (and both of those players' leadership). Lou Piniella will be driven batty by Rich Harden's softness, Kosuke Fukudome's spin-a-rama whiffs, Derrek Lee's mysterious power outage and the endless questions about Alfonso Soriano batting leadoff. Milton Bradley was worth acquiring; now let's see how many games he'll be able to play before tearing or straining or tweaking something. The Cubs are too good not to win this division for a third straight year. Whether they finally can win a playoff game, well, only a fool (or somebody who spent the last two Octobers in another solar system) would predict as much.

2. St. Louis Cardinals: I'm absolutely convinced that Tony La Russa did his very best managing job ever last season ... and the Cards still finished in fourth place, 11 1/2 games out. Now comes word that Troy Glaus will miss at least two months. Throw in the fact that the Cardinals have no true closer and that they are relying heavily on Chris Carpenter, and that's quite a load for Albert Pujols to carry. Not that baseball's best hitter can't do it, of course. Pujols has some company, too - as long as Ryan Ludwick is the real deal and Rick Ankiel continues to make progress at the plate. The Cardinals have a nice team that does things right. They are filled with the kind of underdogs La Russa loves to manage - and that folks pull for. The same was true last year, though, and it's hard to imagine them making up anywhere near 11 1/2 games in the standings.

3. Cincinnati Reds: Don't laugh; even though this team won't win the division, it will cause some headaches for opponents. Dusty Baker's boys have some talent - especially their rotation and the middle of their lineup. There aren't many young starters with better stuff than Edinson Volquez and young hitters with more potential than Joey Votto and Jay Bruce. If the Reds get off to a decent start, Dusty will get them to believe. If not, Baker will bemoan all the youngsters in the lineup and try to talk GM Walt Jocketty into trading for a teamful of Neifi Perezes. Dusty's ability to nurture the kids (or lack thereof) will determine how many games this team wins - and how long Baker remains manager.

4. Milwaukee Brewers: The Brew Crew needed to win it all last year because the window has slammed shut. My many friends in Cheeseland won't like me saying this, but there is no way a team that lost CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets and otherwise did next to nothing in the offseason has any shot of contending. And yes, signing 74-year-old Trevor Hoffman amounts to next to nothing. Big shock: He's hurt already. Sure, the Brewers will hit. Pitching and fielding? Sorry, but this NL team is mostly DH's.

5. Houston Astros: Starting with Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman, they have maybe a half-dozen players any team would want. And then ... Geoff Blum! Kaz Matsui! Wandy Rodriguez! You get the idea. Miguel Tejada doesn't have enough steroids to bulk up this crew's chances.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates: All I can say is: Go Steelers!

(Still to come: Pennant-winners, MVPs and other 2009 MLB predictions.)