We know what the S in "U.S.A.!" doesn't stand for

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The U.S. soccer team failed to qualify for this summer's Olympics, and you know what that means:

There goes another Olympic sport that we don't get to pretend we care about just because an American team is competing! Damn.

When I was a teenager growing up in Connecticut, the New York Cosmos signed Pele and several other international stars. For a year or two, the Cosmos sold out games at huge stadiums all around the country and garnered high TV ratings.

Soccerheads predicted that the Cosmos phenomenon, coupled with the rapid growth of youth soccer, would propel that sport past baseball, football and basketball on the national stage.

Even though Americans prefer games in which 2-0 isn't considered high-scoring, soccerheads back then were sure that by the turn of the century -- maybe sooner -- their beloved sport would be the new national pastime.

All I have to say about that now is ...

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

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World Cup rating aside, it's still only soccer

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Here's how the Miami Herald framed TV viewership of the Women's World Cup:

The United States lost a dramatic Women’s World Cup final to Japan on Sunday but won over millions of fans, scoring a bigger TV audience than last week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game. ... ESPN’s coverage of the Women’s World Cup final drew an overnight rating of 8.6, making it the second-most watched women’s soccer match in history behind the 1999 final, which drew a 13.3.

Cynic that I am, here's my take:

The greatest moment in U.S. women's soccer history was the 1999 victory, which drew a 13.3 rating and allegedly was going to take the sport mainstream in America. Twelve years later, despite even more hype fueled by technological advances, the rating was almost 5 points lower. So I'm scratching my bald head trying to figure out who are these millions of new fans supposedly "won over" by this year's event?

Yes, one of soccer's most hyped events ever can get higher ratings than a given year's All-Star Game. But the next "big" soccer event -- say, the MLS championship or some cup of some kind -- won't get higher ratings than some regular-season Saturday ballgame between the Giants and Phillies.

At the end of the day, it's still only soccer. It didn't just get popular among U.S. sports fans overnight, and it isn't about to get popular 1,000 overnights from now.

So folks need to stop pretending there has been some kind of breakthrough.

Because there hasn't been.
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Admit it: Kaka is a foul name

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I've found a new job, folks: World Cup referee.

Turns out I'm supremely qualified: I don't know anything about soccer, either.

Kobe-Artest will make Kobe-Shaq seem like love-in

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The Bald Truth

You gotta love the news that Ron Artest is joining the L.A. Lakers.

That means instead of Kobe getting pissed off four times a year at opponent Artest, Kobe gets to be pissed off 100 times a year at teammate Artest.

It also means Phil Jackson really has something to think about before making that final decision about his future in coaching. (UPDATE - Fri 7/3/09: Phil has decided to come back. Can't wait to see what book he assigns Artest at the start of the first road trip. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," perhaps?)

Mostly, it means Artest's rap career is about to take off big-time. I mean, look at what being in L.A. did for the vocal stylings of William Shatner!

The Balder Truth

I wonder what the other owners think about MLB having to lend $15 million to Rangers owner Tom Hicks - the guy who just a few years ago bid against himself to give Alex Rodriguez a $252 million contract.

Hicks is trying to sell majority ownership in the franchise. Word is, A-Roid has offered him $15 million and a lifetime supply of syringes.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

I've got my new favorite athlete and - get this! - he's a soccer player.

Just a few days after helping Team U.S.A. almost win the Confederations Cup - a tournament so huge it ranks as the sport's version of the Chick-fil-A Bowl - Landon Donovan ripped into Mr. Spice himself, David Beckham.

"If someone’s paying you more than anybody in the league, more than double anybody in the league, the least we expect is that you show up to every game ... " Donovan said in a soon-to-be-released book called The Beckham Experiment.

"Show up and train hard. Show up and play hard. I can’t think of another guy where I’d say he wasn’t a good teammate ... but with (Beckham) I’d say no, he wasn’t committed."

Beckham and Donovan have been teammates with the Los Angeles Galaxy. Beckham, the famed British sports icon, is being paid about $6.5 million a year by the Major League Soccer team - more than seven times the haul of Donovan, the league's fifth-highest-paid player.

Becks - as the London tabloids call him - was supposed to help popularize soccer in the United States.

Yeah, right.

One reason that hasn't happened: Soccer never will be popular here as a spectator sport because we prefer games in which a 2-1 final isn't considered a high-scoring rout.

Another reason: Beckham pays precious little attention to U.S. soccer, so why should we?

These days, Becks is on loan to European team AC Milan and isn't due to rejoin Donovan and the Galaxy for another two weeks. He had tried to get out of the contract altogether but couldn't.

In an excerpt of the Grant Wahl-authored book published in this week's Sports Illustrated, Beckham also is characterized as a cheapskate, refusing to pick up meal checks for Galaxy teammates who earn barely-poverty-level wages.

Apparently, nobody ever will be encouraged to Spend It Like Beckham.

So bravo, Landon Donovan.

Now go take up a sport that people actually care about. Ever think about trying your hand (and foot) at ultimate fighting?

Green is the color of the day

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The Bald Truth

Just days after paying AC Milan $92 million for Brazilian midfielder Kaka, Real Madrid agreed to fork over $131 million to Manchester United just for the right to work out a contract with Portuguese midfielder Christiano Rinaldo. Wow! That's a lot of green just to increase the team's goals-per-game average from 1.04 to 1.05.

And this just in: Sources say the Yankees contacted Real Madrid to see how much the soccer club would pay for Alex Rodriguez. 

"We can't promise he'll come through with the season on the line," Hank Steinbrenner was overheard saying. "But at least he'll supply his own syringes."

The Balder Truth

The Eagles have given Donovan McNabb a new contract, and the deal is unique to say the least.

It contains the first per-boo incentive clause in sports history.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Gotta give John Daly credit: The man has style.

He's charitable, too. After the St. Jude Classic, he's donating his pants to the Sad Clowns Society.

The B's have it

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BARRY!

Miscreant. Juicer. Liar.

And, sources say, not a very good Scrabble player.

BECKHAM!

Isn't it nice that Mr. Spice saved American pro soccer before bending it back to Europe for good?

Here's hoping he at least paid his taxes during his brief time here. Otherwise, he runs the risk of being named to Obama's Cabinet.

BLOOMINGTON BEDLAM!

The Fighting Creaners win one Big Ten game and the town is up for grabs.

Why, folks there haven't been this thrilled since the last time Bobby Knight cursed out a 19-year-old student newspaper reporter.

BALLERS BRON-BRON & BRYANT!

Hey, Kobe ... I'll see your 61 points and raise you a 52-point, 11-assist, 10-rebound triple-double.

See, the Knicks can be defensive laughingstocks even without Eddy Curry.

BULLISH!

Four wins in five road games for Vinny Del Excuse's crew.

A few more streaks like this, and they'll be a .500 team by the time he's fired.