Here's hoping this year's Top Turkey doesn't choke on his candied yams

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This is my 20^th annual Turkey of the Year Countdown, and it would have been easy to choose America’s orange-hued dear leader for the top spot.

After all, Donald Trump engaged in Twitter wars with (among others) Steph Curry, Roger Goodell, LeBron James, Draymond Green, and about half of the players in the NFL. And that’s in addition to the Pathological Liar-In-Chief’s many non-sports-related bouts of incompetence, ignorance and hubris.

However, I want to keep this about sports, not politics. That’s especially the case given that I gave my 2016 Turkey “honors” to ex-North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, whose decision to back the infamous (and since repealed) “bathroom bill” cost his state the 2017 NBA All-Star Game and numerous other sporting events that would have brought millions of dollars to the economy. Ultimately, that unwise move cost him his job.

So unlike 2017 voters who used Trump’s presence in the White House as a rallying cry to spit on just about every orange-endorsed candidate, I’ll give our dear leader a pass here.

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Before I begin this year’s Turkey Countdown, let’s review the previous “winners” (and by that, I mean losers):

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells and Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno and the Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012); Alex Rodriguez (2013); Roger Goodell and Ray Rice (2014); Derrick Rose (2015); Pat McCrory (2016).

Alert readers will note that up until 2010, each of those Turkeys did his gobbling in Chicago and/or the Midwest. Because I columnized for the Copley newspaper group in Chicago, where the annual countdown got its start under my predecessor and friend, the late, great Gene Seymour, I naturally favored that region. Since moving to North Carolina, I've expanded my Turkey-choosing horizons. Still, as always, I dedicate this in memory of Gene.

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Without further ado, here are this year’s top dopes, douchebags, hypocrites, haters, chokers, cheaters … and plain old luckless lugs. Appropriately (and for the first time ever), we start with candidates from Turkey!

15. TURKEY YOUTH HOCKEY PROGRAM. That its representative in the European Youth Olympic Festival lost to traditional power Russia is hardly surprising. But how ‘bout this: The final score was 42-0. Again, folks, that’s hockey, not football!

14. MATTHEW FISHER-DAVIS. Vanderbilt’s basketball star thought his team was losing its NCAA tournament game by a point, so he intentionally fouled Northwestern's Bryant McIntosh. Unfortunately, Vanderbilt actually had been winning by 1. McIntosh made both free throws to give Northwestern a victory in its first-ever NCAA tourney game, and Fisher-Davis – who otherwise played superbly – joined Chris Webber and Freddie Brown in the kind of club (all-time boneheaded tourney playmakers) no athlete wants to join.

13. JOHN ELWAY. It's hard to be a brilliant team-builder when you haven't given your team a legit QB. Maybe Elway can come out of retirement. Hey, I hear Tim Tebow is still available!

12. JOHAN CAMARGO. The shortstop actually was having a decent rookie season for the Atlanta Braves until he hyperextended his knee while jogging onto the field in August. It happened while he was superstitiously trying to grab a small handful of dirt as he took the field. "I do the same thing every time," he said. This time, however, he admitted it was "bad luck."

11. JOEL BERRY. The North Carolina point guard broke a bone in his right hand when he slammed it into a door after suffering a video-game defeat. (Otherwise, it was all good for Berry and his mates, though. They won the national title and the NCAA inexplicably let them get away with massive academic fraud.)

10. KYLE SCHWARBER. The lovable Cubbie outfielder was the talk of the town in 2016 after he unexpectedly returned from injury to help his team break its 108-year curse. But reality took over in '17, as he had an almost impossible stat line - 150 K, 30 HR and 59 RBI in 422 AB - and the Cubs flamed out in the playoffs. Mad scientist/manager Joe Maddon even batted him leadoff for awhile ... and I can see why. After all, "Schwarbs," who has the blazing speed of a pachyderm, had a .315 on-base percentage, good for 353rd in the majors. But hey, at least he fields his position like a guy with 10 thumbs and 3 left feet.

9. JOE GIRARDI. The Yankees' manager failed to challenge a phantom hit-by-pitch in the ALDS, leading to a game-turning grand slam for the Indians. To Girardi's credit, the next day he admitted, "I screwed up," and his team rallied from a 2-game deficit to win the series. But after the Yankees blew a 3-2 series lead to Houston in the ALCS, he was sent packing. Given that the Yankees hadn't won a title since 2009 - his second season - I'm surprised he lasted that long. Had George Steinbrenner still run the team, Girardi would have been fired and rehired four times in that span.

8. CHRIS FOERSTER. He was forced to resign from his job as Miami Dolphins offensive line coach after a video surfaced showing him snorting coke through a rolled-up $20 bill. Cheapskate. I use hundies!

7. LOVIE SMITH. Heck of a job turning around the Fighting Illini football program. At this rate, they'll be contending for 12th place in the Big Ten in 2 or 3 years ... 4 tops!

6. CLAYTON KERSHAW. I really thought this would be the year that baseball's best pitcher would lead the Dodgers to that elusive championship. But he allowed 6 earned runs in the pivotal fifth game of the World Series, and the Dodgers couldn't recover. Unlike previous postseasons, Kershaw actually did quite well this time, but that performance will haunt him. It also was a rough postseason for several other star pitchers, including Corey Kluber, Max Scherzer, Dallas Keuchel and Chris Sale.

5. JERRY JONES. Months after voting to approve a contract extension for NFL commish Roger Goodell, the Cowboys' owner was threatening to sue the league over the extension. What possibly could have changed? Well, Goodell suspended Jones' star RB, Ezekiel Elliott, that's what. Jones threatened to bench any player who kneels during the national anthem ... but beat up women, as Elliott allegedly did and several former Cowboys also did over the years? Not a problem!

4. CHOKING WASHINGTON TEAMS. The government isn't the only thing that doesn't work right in the D of C. The Racist Name football team choked away a playoff spot; star Wizards PG John Wall spit the bit in a Game 7 playoff loss to Boston; the Capitals collapsed in the conference semifinals for the 6th time in 9 years; and the Nationals failed to get out of the first round of the postseason for the 4th time in 6 years (each time after winning at least 95 regular-season games). The Nats and Caps have never won a championship, the Wizards last won one in 1979 and the Racist Names have gone 26 years since winning the Super Bowl. Oh, and just a few days ago, the Racist Names had a 15-point lead with 3 minutes to go but still managed to lose to the Saints; at 4-6, put a fork in 'em again. 

3. LaVAR BALL. When LiAngelo Ball was one of three UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting in China, many were hoping he'd have to do hard time. Why? Not for any particular animosity folks have toward the kid. No, most of America hates Ball's boastful, narcissistic, boor of a father - which also is why so many NBA fans hope Lakers rookie Lonzo Ball fails. Just this week, LaVar whined that the Lakers don't know how to use Lonzo properly. He also ripped into Trump, who of course fired back on Twitter. Those two have so much in common, it's a shame to see them spat!

2. U.S. MEN'S SOCCER TEAM. All they needed was a tie against Trinidad & Tobago to qualify for the World Cup, but this motley crew couldn't pull it off, and so they will miss their sport's biggest event for the first time in decades. I'm 57 years old ... and I remember when I was kid ... and "everybody" was playing soccer ... and that was proof that the sport would overtake football, baseball and basketball in the hearts and minds of American sports fans. Stop laughing. Some people actually thought that was true! Of course, those are the same people who are enthralled by nil-nil friendlies between Kazakhstan and Luxembourg.

And now ... drumstick roll, please ... here is our 2017 Turkey of the Year:

KYLE SHANAHAN

After the Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 late-third-quarter lead to lose Super Bowl 51 to the Patriots, QB Matt Ryan said: "It's hard to find words."

Well, I'm always looking for ways to help, so here goes:

Chokers, dimwits, historic losers, chumps, turkeys ... shall I continue?

While he had plenty of company in the Turkey Dept. - from Ryan to head coach Dan Quinn, to inept offensive linemen, to ineffective defensive players, and so on - it was the Falcons' offensive coordinator, Shanahan, who ultimately made it possible for Tom Brady to complete perhaps the greatest big-game comeback in the history of major professional sports.

The Falcons still led 28-12 with only 8:31 to play when they faced a third-and-1 at their 36. If they get the yard to keep the drive alive, they almost surely win the game. Had they run the ball - as they had done well all game, averaging nearly 6 yards per carry - the very worst thing would have been getting stopped and punting 50 yards in the other direction.

But no. Shanahan - the "offensive genius" - called for Ryan to throw a bomb. As the slow play developed, Dont'a Hightower knocked Ryan into tomorrow, the ball came loose and the Pats recovered on the Atlanta 25. A blink of an eye later, Brady hit Danny Amandola for a TD, James White ran in for the 2-point conversion, and the Falcons' lead was down to 28-20 with 5:56 to play.

Now the Falcons had to try to move the ball, lest they turn it right back to Brady. And they did. A 39-yard screen pass got them going, and Ryan also hit Julio Jones, who made a great catch for 27 yards. With a first-and-10 at the New England 22, you almost can't lose the game. You run the ball three times up the middle, force the Pats to use their timeouts, and kick a 40-yard field goal for an 11-point lead. Done deal. Drop the confetti.

But no. After a first-down run lost a yard, Shanahan gambled with a pass play and Ryan was sacked for a 12-yard loss. On the next play, Atlanta lineman Jake Matthews was called for holding, Ryan's 3rd-and-21 pass fell incomplete - stopping the clock, so the Patriots still had 2 timeouts left - and the Falcons had to punt.

Brady got the ball back at his own 9 with 3 1/2 minutes to go. Were there 100 people in all of America who didn't think he would march the Pats 91 yards for the tying score? That's exactly what happened - with time to spare.

Predictably, after the Pats won the OT coin toss, the Falcons' offense never got to touch the football. Brady led New England into position, and James White capped the amazing story with a 2-yard TD run. 

That evening, at the team hotel, Shanahan reportedly admitted, "I blew it." (Later, he said: "I don't know if I used those exact words, but that sounds like how I talk.")

Shanahan's 2017 "fun" wasn't finished, though! He left Atlanta to become the head coach of the sinking ship known as the San Francisco 49ers.

Through Thanksgiving, the Niners were 1-9, and their offense ranked near the bottom in almost every category.

Sounds like the genius has earned an extra helping of giblets and gravy!
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MLB Picks, Least Valuable Players and A Fond Farewell to a South Side Star

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I believe I heard 649 announcers say Derek Jeter's game-winning hit in his final Yankee Stadium at-bat was the "perfect ending" to his career.

Hmmm. I'm pretty sure the perfect ending would have been a World Series-winning hit, but whatever.

And now that we've got Jeter in our rear-view mirror, we can concentrate on a baseball games that actually matter.

TRULY BALD PROGNOSTICATIONS

I will admit that, after being skeptical, the extra wild-card spots have grown on me. Interest in the race was high and the baseball was exciting.

The A's almost suffered a choke of Cubbian proportions but managed to hang on by the length of a Canseco syringe. Oakland genius Moneyball Beane gave up his most feared offensive player (as well as his clubhouse chemistry) to land Jon Lester, and it almost cost the team a playoff spot. Tuesday night, Lester can reward Beane by beating the Royals, who send "Big Game" James Shields to the mound.

It's nice to see K.C. back in the postseason. I was a Yankees fan as a teenager and I still get chills when I see the grainy video of Chris Chambliss' series-winning HR in 1976. Kansas City used to be a great baseball town, so it will be fun to see the ballpark hoppin' on Tuesday.

I'm thinking the Royals will win if Shields can match Lester and let K.C. get into the Oakland bullpen.

Over in the NL, I'm digging Wednesday's San Fran-Pittsburgh matchup. The Pirates have the better team but the Giants send the better pitcher to the mound. Here's another great baseball town of the 1970s that fell on hard times, but it's two straight postseason appearances for the Pirates and I think Andrew McCuthen & Crew will find some way to beat Ross Bumgarner.

After that, however, I don't like the Pirates' chances against the Nationals. Meanwhile, the other NLDS should be a great one, with Clayton Kershaw leading the Dodgers against the Cardinals' Adam Wainwright in Game 1. The only pitching matchup that might turn out better than that one in the entire postseason would be if the two go at it again in Game 5. It seems the Cardinals always find a way, but of course how true is that? I mean, they don't win the pennant every year. Kershaw and Zack Grienke ... that's a lot of pitching to overcome.

I'll go with the Dodgers to beat the Nats in the NLCS, too.

Back to the AL ... I gotta go with the stacked Angels over the A's-Royals winner. The Tigers-Orioles series is compelling given that Detroit has spared no expense in putting together a dream rotation. The Orioles have relative no-names on their staff but also have one heck of a lineup. But how can I pick against all that Detroit pitching - plus Miguel Cabrera, one of the best hitters of this generation? Turns out, I can't.

Tigers vs. Angels in the ALCS: Lots of star power and power pitching and plain ol' power. The Tigers' pitching depth wins out, as long as their bullpen doesn't implode. (Which is no sure thing.)

So that gives us a Dodgers-Tigers World Series. In the olden days, when Kershaw would have been able to pitch three times in the series after only having had to win one or two other playoff games, this would have been an easy choice. That's no longer the case, though, so the best pitcher in baseball most likely will only pitch twice when it matters most. Because of that, I think I'll go with the Tigers. Their offense can get hot and, again, they have so much front-line pitching - especially if Justin Verlander is right.

All of which probably means the Tigers will lose in the ALDS.

BALD AWARD PICKS

MVP: Clayton Kershaw and Mike Trout. After a little bit of consternation for a spell, these turn out to be slam dunks. Kershaw had one of the great seasons ever for a pitcher. Trout had a one-month lull but was outstanding the rest of the year. Both helped their SoCal teams overcome big early-season deficits to win their divisions going away. Frankly, I don't think it should be close in either league.

Cy Young: Kershaw - duh. In the AL, Felix Hernandez seems the obvious choice despite peeing down his leg in the season's final week when his team desperately needed him. If I liked any of the other solid candidates enough, I'd give Felix the thumbs-down, but I don't.

Manager: I'm opting for the beltway duo of Matt Williams and Buck Showalter.

Rookie: Jose Abreu is a 27-year-old former Cuban star, so it almost doesn't feel right picking him. But he is eligible, so he's a total no-brainer selection. In comparison, the NL rookie class is so lame that I'm not even going to bother.

LVP! LVP! LVP!: These aren't really the least valuable players in the sense that many others actually had worse seasons. But given their hype and their salaries, it's hard to top Joe Mauer and Ryan Braun. Mauer needed a late surge to get to 50 RBIs and the Twins are stuck for four more years at $23 million per for a mediocre first baseman who can't hit the ball out of the park and doesn't drive in runs. His biggest impact this season was helping get Ron Gardenhire fired. As often happens to juicers, Braun has become injury-prone. And no longer able to take his slugger's little helpers, he hits a lot of warning-track flyballs. Oh, he's also a pathological liar and a convicted douchebag. Pity the Brewers, who are on the hook for well over $100 million more through 2020. Ugh.

FOND FAREWELL TO THE NON-JETER

While my former employer, AP, and so many other media outlets were fawning over Jeter - and, to be fair, they probably should have done exactly that given all he had accomplished - Paul Konerko bowed out relatively quietly.

It was fitting. Konerko, a rock-solid ballplayer and a fine gentleman, never sought the limelight while giving the White Sox everything he had for 16 years.

I had many great conversations with Paul over the years, and I will always appreciate that, in good times and bad, he stood in front of his locker and dealt with media mopes like me.

Konerko was both understated and underrated. He had 439 HR and 1,412 RBI. He had six 100 RBI seasons (plus years with 99 and 97). He also was instrumental in the city of Chicago's only World Series triumph of the last 97 years.  He was named MVP of the 2005 ALCS but immediately (and correctly) said the award should have gone to the pitchers.

In the end, I'm guessing he will have been just good enough to be have been not quite good enough for the Hall of Fame. But he should be proud of his outstanding career, and I am thankful I got to cover his first dozen years on the South Side.
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Today's High Five: A wonderful time of the year!

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Man (and woman), do I love this time of year! So much going on in the wide world of sports - and that's a very welcome distraction with what's going on in the wide world of non-sports.

5. OLD MEN AND THE SEE-I'M-NOT-DECREPIT-YET

My old-dude softball team, the Sons of Pitches, is 4-0 in the fall league after beating the other previously unbeaten team last night.

We not only won, we won by slaughter rule ... and we won with style, baby!

In the top of the second inning, we turned a TRIPLE PLAY. Yep, a triple-freakin-play! Runners on first and second; the batter hits a sinking line drive to right-center; the runners take off, certain they will be scoring on the play; our RCF Wayne makes a running catch; Wayne throws to SS Tom for Out No. 2; Tom fires to 1B Bob for Out No. 3. Yowsa!

We then come up in bottom of the inning and celebrate by scoring the maximum 5 runs, with Pat - our coach, pitcher and Penguin-run-alike - hitting a three-run homer. Way to go, Ron Cey! (Or is it more like Burgess Meredith?)

We have such a fun group of guys it will be sad when the season ends - and our two-year run as a team ends with it. There will be a new draft next spring and our guys will be cast about the league.

But we still have a lot of fun to go this season. It really isn't even fall yet, we're undefeated, and we have a championship to win!

4. CHICAGO'S HOPELESS

The Cubs are in last place, 16 games out. The White Sox are in next-to-last place, 15 1/2 games out. And the Bears found a way to lose their season opener at home to the Bills.

All of which can only mean one thing:

It's September in Chicago!

Fans from my former hometown at least can celebrate that Derrick Rose, who is playing for the U.S. National Team, is experiencing no knee problems.

Yet.

Meanwhile, my Panthers kicked butt and took prisoners in their opener at Tampa Bay, even without the injured Cam Newton.

The Panthers aren't a great team, but I think they're pretty darn good. I don't like talking much about Fantasy Football because people who play it never shut up when they start talking, but if Kelvin Benjamin happens to still be available in your league, you'd be wise to snag him. He's well on his way to being a stud.

3.  PAIN ... AND NOT MUCH GAIN

The last Little League game I umpired, on Sunday, I took a foul ball to my right shoulder. The pain was so intense that I thought the ball must have somehow gotten under or over my chest protector's shoulder-pad attachment. But it hadn't. The ball just was hit hard and caught me in the "perfect" spot.

The next inning, I was hit by a pitch when the left-handed catcher didn't quite reach across his body enough to catch a ball that was barely out of the strike zone. The ball hit me just below the middle knuckle on my left index finger, an area that is now a lovely shade of purple.

And the next inning, a kid fouled one back off my right shoulder - again. The ball got me within an inch of the previous injury, and I was seeing stars for a few seconds. Ever the trooper, I shook it off and continued. That's why I get the big bucks.

I guess all that punishment was payback for joking around after I had taken a relatively innocuous shot off my shin guard in the first inning. A coach asked if I was OK, and I responded:

"I'm fine. My wife hits me harder than that!"

2. AND SPEAKING OF RAY RICE ...

Why is being fired by the Ravens and suspended the NFL an appropriate punishment for treating a woman like a punching bag?

Why isn't this guy in jail?

OK, I know why he isn't in jail. He is rich enough to afford a good lawyer. That being said, Rice clearly is a bad human being, he can't control his temper, he is super strong, and he almost surely is armed. You can't convince me he is not a threat to society.

Those who know me well know that I'm a softy - and a big believer in second chances. But this criminal should have to sit in a small cell for at least a few months before he gets his second chance.

1. VALUE = VICTORY

The NFL season is underway. So is the college football season, and now that there's an actual playoff system waiting at the end, I might even watch a few games. Tennis just played its U.S. Open and golf's Ryder Cup is just around the corner. Soon enough, NHL teams will report to training camp, NBA teams will do likewise and college basketball teams will hold their Midnight Madness sessions. And in soccer "friendlies" all around the world, guys with one name are pretending they were shot in an attempt to draw penalties against opponents who didn't touch them.

Things are so sportarific in September, and baseball is the sportarificest of all.

One of the things I miss most about Chicago is that I no longer live in a town with big-league baseball (or whatever it is that the Cubs and White Sox claim to play). With the Internet, ESPN and the MLB Network, I can keep up with the game pretty well, but it isn't quite the same as having not just one but two teams right in the city.

I have been enjoying the division and wild-card races, but mostly I have been thinking about the MVP awards in each league.

In the AL, the best offensive player has been White Sox rookie Jose Abreu, who came from Cuba and started hitting the second he set foot in Comiskular Park. But you know what? If I had a ballot this season, he wouldn't even be one of the first five guys I'd vote for. He might not even be in my top 10.

For me, an MVP candidate has to be on a team that at least contends for a postseason berth. He has to have come through in games that have meaning - either early- and mid-season games that have helped his team to a big division lead, or late-season games that have given his team a chance at the playoffs.

How can Abreu be the Most Valuable Player in his league if his team hasn't played a game "of value" since May? Yes, he has value to the White Sox. Yes, he deserves Rookie of the Year in a runaway. MVP of the entire league? Please.

Mike Trout seemed a lock for the award at midseason but he slumped pretty badly in August. Still, he leads the league in RBIs, he has helped his Angels roll past the once-dominant A's while compiling the league's best record, and he is dynamic both in the field and on the bases. He's still the choice over Detroit's Miguel Cabrera and Baltimore's Nelson Cruz.

Things are even more interesting in the NL, where the absence of a hitting superstar on any winning team has put a pitcher atop the MVP heap.

And what a pitcher. Clayton Kershaw has had several outstanding years, and he's now having one for the ages: 18-3 with a 1.67 ERA. He is in Koufax/Gibson territory, and he is the main reason the Dodgers overcame a slow start - Kershaw missed April and it took him most of May to shake off the rust - to surge past the Giants in the NL West.

Valid arguments can be made that a pitcher who makes 30 starts shouldn't win an MVP award ahead of everyday ballplayers, but Kershaw has been so dominant and has so obviously lifted the Dodgers, that he is an example of why it should be rare but possible.

For stat-heads who like advanced metrics, Kershaw leads all MLB players in Wins Above Replacement, and the guy in second (somewhat surprisingly, Oakland's Josh Donaldson) isn't very close behind.

The Marlins don't even have a .500 record and they are only on the fringes of the wild-card race, but if they can make a legitimate push over the last couple of weeks, Giancarlo "Don't Call Me Mike" Stanton could make it a two-man MVP race. Stanton leads the league in HR and RBI and he's a great all-around player. He's put up his numbers not in a Rockies-style thin-air-aided bandbox but in Miami's spacious, pitcher-friendly ballpark. Very impressive.

Stanton's best chance is if the Marlins make a big move in the next two weeks and if Kershaw loses some votes to teammate Adrian Gonzalez, who has been hot of late and is right behind Stanton in the RBI race. I suppose Pittsburgh's Andrew McCutchen could go wild down the stretch and steal the award, but I don't see it happening.

Right now, Kershaw is a pretty easy choice for MVP, Cy Young and, hell, let's make him governor of California, too. Jerry Brown can't have more than another decade or three in office, right?
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