Here's hoping this year's Top Turkey doesn't choke on his candied yams

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This is my 20^th annual Turkey of the Year Countdown, and it would have been easy to choose America’s orange-hued dear leader for the top spot.

After all, Donald Trump engaged in Twitter wars with (among others) Steph Curry, Roger Goodell, LeBron James, Draymond Green, and about half of the players in the NFL. And that’s in addition to the Pathological Liar-In-Chief’s many non-sports-related bouts of incompetence, ignorance and hubris.

However, I want to keep this about sports, not politics. That’s especially the case given that I gave my 2016 Turkey “honors” to ex-North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, whose decision to back the infamous (and since repealed) “bathroom bill” cost his state the 2017 NBA All-Star Game and numerous other sporting events that would have brought millions of dollars to the economy. Ultimately, that unwise move cost him his job.

So unlike 2017 voters who used Trump’s presence in the White House as a rallying cry to spit on just about every orange-endorsed candidate, I’ll give our dear leader a pass here.

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Before I begin this year’s Turkey Countdown, let’s review the previous “winners” (and by that, I mean losers):

Mike McCaskey (1998); Jerry Krause (1999); Bobby Knight (2000); David Wells and Frank Thomas (2001); Dick Jauron (2002); Sammy Sosa (2003 and 2004); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Charlie Weis (2007); Choking Cubbies (2008); Milton Bradley (2009); Mark McGwire (2010); Joe Paterno and the Penn State Enablers (2011); U.S. Ryder Cup Team (2012); Alex Rodriguez (2013); Roger Goodell and Ray Rice (2014); Derrick Rose (2015); Pat McCrory (2016).

Alert readers will note that up until 2010, each of those Turkeys did his gobbling in Chicago and/or the Midwest. Because I columnized for the Copley newspaper group in Chicago, where the annual countdown got its start under my predecessor and friend, the late, great Gene Seymour, I naturally favored that region. Since moving to North Carolina, I've expanded my Turkey-choosing horizons. Still, as always, I dedicate this in memory of Gene.

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Without further ado, here are this year’s top dopes, douchebags, hypocrites, haters, chokers, cheaters … and plain old luckless lugs. Appropriately (and for the first time ever), we start with candidates from Turkey!

15. TURKEY YOUTH HOCKEY PROGRAM. That its representative in the European Youth Olympic Festival lost to traditional power Russia is hardly surprising. But how ‘bout this: The final score was 42-0. Again, folks, that’s hockey, not football!

14. MATTHEW FISHER-DAVIS. Vanderbilt’s basketball star thought his team was losing its NCAA tournament game by a point, so he intentionally fouled Northwestern's Bryant McIntosh. Unfortunately, Vanderbilt actually had been winning by 1. McIntosh made both free throws to give Northwestern a victory in its first-ever NCAA tourney game, and Fisher-Davis – who otherwise played superbly – joined Chris Webber and Freddie Brown in the kind of club (all-time boneheaded tourney playmakers) no athlete wants to join.

13. JOHN ELWAY. It's hard to be a brilliant team-builder when you haven't given your team a legit QB. Maybe Elway can come out of retirement. Hey, I hear Tim Tebow is still available!

12. JOHAN CAMARGO. The shortstop actually was having a decent rookie season for the Atlanta Braves until he hyperextended his knee while jogging onto the field in August. It happened while he was superstitiously trying to grab a small handful of dirt as he took the field. "I do the same thing every time," he said. This time, however, he admitted it was "bad luck."

11. JOEL BERRY. The North Carolina point guard broke a bone in his right hand when he slammed it into a door after suffering a video-game defeat. (Otherwise, it was all good for Berry and his mates, though. They won the national title and the NCAA inexplicably let them get away with massive academic fraud.)

10. KYLE SCHWARBER. The lovable Cubbie outfielder was the talk of the town in 2016 after he unexpectedly returned from injury to help his team break its 108-year curse. But reality took over in '17, as he had an almost impossible stat line - 150 K, 30 HR and 59 RBI in 422 AB - and the Cubs flamed out in the playoffs. Mad scientist/manager Joe Maddon even batted him leadoff for awhile ... and I can see why. After all, "Schwarbs," who has the blazing speed of a pachyderm, had a .315 on-base percentage, good for 353rd in the majors. But hey, at least he fields his position like a guy with 10 thumbs and 3 left feet.

9. JOE GIRARDI. The Yankees' manager failed to challenge a phantom hit-by-pitch in the ALDS, leading to a game-turning grand slam for the Indians. To Girardi's credit, the next day he admitted, "I screwed up," and his team rallied from a 2-game deficit to win the series. But after the Yankees blew a 3-2 series lead to Houston in the ALCS, he was sent packing. Given that the Yankees hadn't won a title since 2009 - his second season - I'm surprised he lasted that long. Had George Steinbrenner still run the team, Girardi would have been fired and rehired four times in that span.

8. CHRIS FOERSTER. He was forced to resign from his job as Miami Dolphins offensive line coach after a video surfaced showing him snorting coke through a rolled-up $20 bill. Cheapskate. I use hundies!

7. LOVIE SMITH. Heck of a job turning around the Fighting Illini football program. At this rate, they'll be contending for 12th place in the Big Ten in 2 or 3 years ... 4 tops!

6. CLAYTON KERSHAW. I really thought this would be the year that baseball's best pitcher would lead the Dodgers to that elusive championship. But he allowed 6 earned runs in the pivotal fifth game of the World Series, and the Dodgers couldn't recover. Unlike previous postseasons, Kershaw actually did quite well this time, but that performance will haunt him. It also was a rough postseason for several other star pitchers, including Corey Kluber, Max Scherzer, Dallas Keuchel and Chris Sale.

5. JERRY JONES. Months after voting to approve a contract extension for NFL commish Roger Goodell, the Cowboys' owner was threatening to sue the league over the extension. What possibly could have changed? Well, Goodell suspended Jones' star RB, Ezekiel Elliott, that's what. Jones threatened to bench any player who kneels during the national anthem ... but beat up women, as Elliott allegedly did and several former Cowboys also did over the years? Not a problem!

4. CHOKING WASHINGTON TEAMS. The government isn't the only thing that doesn't work right in the D of C. The Racist Name football team choked away a playoff spot; star Wizards PG John Wall spit the bit in a Game 7 playoff loss to Boston; the Capitals collapsed in the conference semifinals for the 6th time in 9 years; and the Nationals failed to get out of the first round of the postseason for the 4th time in 6 years (each time after winning at least 95 regular-season games). The Nats and Caps have never won a championship, the Wizards last won one in 1979 and the Racist Names have gone 26 years since winning the Super Bowl. Oh, and just a few days ago, the Racist Names had a 15-point lead with 3 minutes to go but still managed to lose to the Saints; at 4-6, put a fork in 'em again. 

3. LaVAR BALL. When LiAngelo Ball was one of three UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting in China, many were hoping he'd have to do hard time. Why? Not for any particular animosity folks have toward the kid. No, most of America hates Ball's boastful, narcissistic, boor of a father - which also is why so many NBA fans hope Lakers rookie Lonzo Ball fails. Just this week, LaVar whined that the Lakers don't know how to use Lonzo properly. He also ripped into Trump, who of course fired back on Twitter. Those two have so much in common, it's a shame to see them spat!

2. U.S. MEN'S SOCCER TEAM. All they needed was a tie against Trinidad & Tobago to qualify for the World Cup, but this motley crew couldn't pull it off, and so they will miss their sport's biggest event for the first time in decades. I'm 57 years old ... and I remember when I was kid ... and "everybody" was playing soccer ... and that was proof that the sport would overtake football, baseball and basketball in the hearts and minds of American sports fans. Stop laughing. Some people actually thought that was true! Of course, those are the same people who are enthralled by nil-nil friendlies between Kazakhstan and Luxembourg.

And now ... drumstick roll, please ... here is our 2017 Turkey of the Year:

KYLE SHANAHAN

After the Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 late-third-quarter lead to lose Super Bowl 51 to the Patriots, QB Matt Ryan said: "It's hard to find words."

Well, I'm always looking for ways to help, so here goes:

Chokers, dimwits, historic losers, chumps, turkeys ... shall I continue?

While he had plenty of company in the Turkey Dept. - from Ryan to head coach Dan Quinn, to inept offensive linemen, to ineffective defensive players, and so on - it was the Falcons' offensive coordinator, Shanahan, who ultimately made it possible for Tom Brady to complete perhaps the greatest big-game comeback in the history of major professional sports.

The Falcons still led 28-12 with only 8:31 to play when they faced a third-and-1 at their 36. If they get the yard to keep the drive alive, they almost surely win the game. Had they run the ball - as they had done well all game, averaging nearly 6 yards per carry - the very worst thing would have been getting stopped and punting 50 yards in the other direction.

But no. Shanahan - the "offensive genius" - called for Ryan to throw a bomb. As the slow play developed, Dont'a Hightower knocked Ryan into tomorrow, the ball came loose and the Pats recovered on the Atlanta 25. A blink of an eye later, Brady hit Danny Amandola for a TD, James White ran in for the 2-point conversion, and the Falcons' lead was down to 28-20 with 5:56 to play.

Now the Falcons had to try to move the ball, lest they turn it right back to Brady. And they did. A 39-yard screen pass got them going, and Ryan also hit Julio Jones, who made a great catch for 27 yards. With a first-and-10 at the New England 22, you almost can't lose the game. You run the ball three times up the middle, force the Pats to use their timeouts, and kick a 40-yard field goal for an 11-point lead. Done deal. Drop the confetti.

But no. After a first-down run lost a yard, Shanahan gambled with a pass play and Ryan was sacked for a 12-yard loss. On the next play, Atlanta lineman Jake Matthews was called for holding, Ryan's 3rd-and-21 pass fell incomplete - stopping the clock, so the Patriots still had 2 timeouts left - and the Falcons had to punt.

Brady got the ball back at his own 9 with 3 1/2 minutes to go. Were there 100 people in all of America who didn't think he would march the Pats 91 yards for the tying score? That's exactly what happened - with time to spare.

Predictably, after the Pats won the OT coin toss, the Falcons' offense never got to touch the football. Brady led New England into position, and James White capped the amazing story with a 2-yard TD run. 

That evening, at the team hotel, Shanahan reportedly admitted, "I blew it." (Later, he said: "I don't know if I used those exact words, but that sounds like how I talk.")

Shanahan's 2017 "fun" wasn't finished, though! He left Atlanta to become the head coach of the sinking ship known as the San Francisco 49ers.

Through Thanksgiving, the Niners were 1-9, and their offense ranked near the bottom in almost every category.

Sounds like the genius has earned an extra helping of giblets and gravy!
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A black eye for me ... a championship for the Warriors?

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One of the many age groups I umpire involves "machine pitch." The kids are 7 and 8 years old. A contraption operated by a coach hurls a pitch toward the plate, and the kid gets 5 or 6 tries to put the ball in play. The theory is that the machine is more consistent than a human is in "coach pitch," which many other leagues use.

In machine pitch, there is only one umpire. He stands about 10 to 15 feet behind the batter - not behind the plate, but behind the batter's back. Most kids that age swing late, and the vast majority of foul balls go the opposite direction.

Well, in a game I umped Monday, one of the little sluggers really got around on a pitch. The ball was on me before I could react, and it hit me square in the left eye.

In the first photo, that's how the eye looked two hours after contact, despite me getting an ice bag on it almost immediately. Cut me, Mick! 

By Saturday, it looked like a regular black eye, and I could see quite well out of it. In fact, I made my return to the field to ump a game later that day (but not a machine pitch game).

 

I didn't consider myself lucky at the time of impact, of course ... but looking back (pun intended), I really was lucky. The ball could have broken numerous bones, could have blinded me, etc. Also, the on-deck batter was standing a few feet behind me, and if the ball had missed me, it could have hit the kid.

I don't have any answers, but we need to find ways to protect the umpire in machine pitch, and probably to protect the on-deck batter better, too. If this happened once, it could happen again.

In the meantime, I've been hearing all the comments ... and making some, too.

It does get a little tiring saying, "Yeah, you should see the other guy." 

"Cut me, Mick," is a favorite. Also: "Prediction? Pain!" 

I've used "I'd rather fight than switch," as well ... but not a lot of people under 50 know the old Tareyton cigarette ads!

One thing for sure: I'd rather fight than umpire another machine pitch game!

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On to a happier subject, the upcoming NBA Finals ...

I am a big LeBron James fan because I love witnessing true greatness. I happen to think he has ascended to be the second-best basketball player ever, and he has closed quite a bit of ground on You Know Who. He does have plenty of haters who wouldn't rank him that highly, but I doubt even they would put him outside, say, the top-10 all-time. 

So we have gotten to watch this guy come into the league as a teenager and grow into one of the best ever, right before our eyes. He usually has risen to the occasion, too, and he unquestionably makes his teammates better. 

The man has made it to 7 straight NBA Finals and 8 overall - including 3 with a Cleveland franchise that, to put it kindly, bit the big one before LeBron existed. Pretty amazing stuff.

I also very much enjoy watching the Warriors play. It's a fun style, and when they are clicking they work so well together. Kevin Durant is unbelievably talented, and he has been integrated nicely into their system.

Even when the Cavs were blowing out Boston and Toronto, they sure were leaving a lot of 3-point shooters wide open. I'm talking, nobody within 10 feet of the shooters. The Celtics and Raptors couldn't make the Cavs pay, but Durant, Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson & Co. will.

Offensively, the Cavs also tend to devolve into a lot of 1-on-1 play, mostly by LeBron and Kyrie Irving. It's fine when they are rolling, but it hurts when they aren't - and either way, it leads to stagnation on offense. Golden State also is the better defensive team.

The Warriors had a 3-1 lead in last year's Finals. We can debate all the reasons they couldn't close out the series - starting with the suspension of Kicky McKickerson, and then going on to the heroics of LeBron and Irving. But the Warriors sure looked like the better team most of the series. 

Well, as my son Ben points out, the Warriors have that entire team back ... except they have replaced Harrison Barnes with Kevin Freakin' Durant!

Barnes arguably was the worst player on the court in Games 5-7 last year. I feel confident saying KD won't be the worst player on the court this time.

Of course, Kevin Love - who missed a couple of games with a concussion last year and otherwise was mostly a non-factor - is relatively healthy this year and playing very well. So it's almost as if the Cavs have added an All-Star, too. If both are at their best, though, Durant is quite a bit better than Love.

I hope I'm wrong because I want it to be a long, great series, but I'm thinking ...

Warriors in 5.
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Fun With Numbers

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Here are some of the more interesting statistics and numbers I've seen (or experienced) recently ...

0-for-39

Shaq Thompson, a linebacker from the University of Washington who last week was the Carolina Panthers' No. 1 draft pick, also once was enough of a baseball prospect to have been selected by the Red Sox in the 18th round of the 2012 MLB draft.

In his very brief professional baseball career, however, Thompson arguably put up the ugliest statistical line in the sport's history.

In 13 Gulf Coast (Rookie) League games, Thompson went hitless in 39 at-bats -- with an incredible 37 strikeouts. He did draw 8 walks ... so in 47 plate appearances, he put the ball in play in fair territory exactly twice. Twice!

No wonder he's now an ex-baseball player. Michael Jordan was Babe Ruth compared to this guy.

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4-0

That's the record of the mighty Sons of Pitches so far this season.

I'm not hitting squat (although I've got more hits than Shaq Thompson had), and I'll blame my bum shoulder for that (gotta have an excuse, right?), but I'm still having a blast being part of this talented and fun group of fellow 50-and-overs.

Maybe we'll do what Kentucky couldn't!

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13

In his first game at Davidson College, Stephen Curry committed 13 turnovers. Folks had to be wondering if Wildcats coach Bob McKillop had lost his mind offering the skinny son of Dell Curry a scholarship. Winthrop had been Steph's only other Division I suitor.

I guess McKillop's decision ended up working out all right for Davidson, for Curry and for the Golden State Warriors. Steph was just named NBA MVP.

Here's what I wrote shortly before the 2009 draft:

NBA teams are in love with the potential of Spanish teen Ricky Rubio, who is expected to be either the second or third player drafted Thursday. 

Well, he might be the goods. Or he might not be. Nobody really knows.

Give me Stephen Curry. He can handle the ball, he's an excellent passer and he'll be a big-time 3-point shooter.

A stiff breeze could carry Curry into the next county, true, but we know he has a lot of game.

Can anybody really say as much about Ricky Rubio?

When healthy, Rubio has been a pretty good NBA point guard. Much to the chagrin of the Timberwolves and their fans, however, he hasn't been Steph Curry -- truly one of the great shooters ever to lace up a pair of sneakers.

Hey, even I get one right every now and then.

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$99.95

The amount of money I'm very proud to say I didn't spend to watch Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao paw at each other for 36 minutes.

For one thing, I wasn't going to give a serial woman-beater and reprehensible human being like Mayweather one dime of my money.

For another, I used to love boxing years ago but I can't get into such barbarism now. I guess I've gone soft, and not just in my belly.

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26-14-13

That was Blake Griffin's box-score line in the Clippers' Game 1 playoff victory at Houston.

L.A. needed its all-star forward to come through big-time with Chris Paul being unable to play due to a hamstring injury, and he delivered as the Clips stole home-court advantage from the Rockets

Will this be the year Griffin and the talented Clippers finally realize their potential? I am rooting for them -- and my old Marquette friend, Glenn Rivers (we didn't call him Doc back then). I hope Paul gets back in the lineup soon.

Those who say they "hate" the NBA for whatever reason, and therefore refuse to watch it, recently missed an instant sports classic: Game 7 from the Clippers-Spurs series.

Playing on one leg, Paul was incredible. He scored 27 points, including a last-second circus shot to win the game (and the series) in a performance every bit as impressive as Jordan's "food poisoning game."

Yes, your average January NBA regular-season game can be a bore, but playoff basketball is often sensational. These guys very well might be the best athletes in the world. Add in the motivation of a possible championship, and it's pretty special stuff.

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60,000

Thanks to good initial readership, and then to links imbedded in subsequent articles, my Dec. 17 piece for the investing Web site Seeking Alpha just passed the 60,000 page-view mark.

I used to reach hundreds of thousands of readers back in my sportswriting days, so I'm not getting overly excited about this milestone. Still, 60K is a pretty big number for a single article on most financial sites. It's almost twice as many as any other article I've written has received.

I get paid per page-view, and the money I'll get from that article will help fund the new siding I just found out our house needs.

It's hard to beat that for a fun way to spend one's money! But hey, at least I didn't give any of it to Floyd Mayweather.

^^^

0

The number of declared presidential candidates for whom I want to vote.

If these men and women are supposed to be our best and brightest, that's pretty effin' depressing.

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Hats off to victors (Mizzou) - and even to victims (Marquette)

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Sunday's final four:

1. Because Michigan State somehow was chosen as Chicago's "home" team - even though Marquette has a massive alumni base here and is only an hour and a half away - I had to watch most of the Marquette-Missouri game on a laptop computer while Michigan State-USC droned on in the background on my beautiful HDTV. CBS's feed repeatedly froze and the network experienced a couple of long stretches of outages due to its own technical difficulties. It was like the Dark Ages, man, so ... so ... so ... 2006!

2. My lads fought valiantly but couldn't quite pull off the upset. I'd love to blame the refs or injuries or sunspots for the 83-79 loss, but Missouri earned the victory by playing extraordinarily well in the first half and then coming through in the clutch. Even though Marquette's season is over, I really enjoyed this edition of the Golden Warrior Eagles. The class of Jerel McNeal, Dominic James and Wes Matthews played hard and well for four years. As a fan, I never felt cheated, and there's not much more we can ask for from our athletes. 

3. Between Wisconsin's hack-first defense, the Badgers' slow-mo offense and the refs calling a foul every time a player on either team breathed on an opponent, the Wisconsin-Xavier game had all the pace and entertainment value of somebody changing a flat tire. I'm still trying to figure out how Wisconsin made the tourney, how the Badgers beat Florida State in the first round and how Xavier merited a No. 4 seed. I'd say that Xavier's stay in the tournament from here on in will be a short one, but its next opponent, Pitt, hasn't exactly been playing like the team so many folks (including this folk) picked to win it all.

4. How's your bracket? I'm not going to set any records, but I'm 37-11 after the first two rounds and still have seven of my final eight alive. (West Virginia? Oy! What was I thinking?) I'm looking forward to next weekend, when the stars really will shine. Who will emerge as the one transcendant star - the guy who, like Stephen Curry in 2008 - everybody will be talking about? Terrence Williams? Blake Griffin? Ty Lawson? Hasheem Thabeet? Gerald Henderson? DeJuan Blair? JaJuan Johnson? Tyreke Evans? Jonny Flynn? I'm thinking Griffin is really going to put on a show in carrying Oklahoma past Lawson, Tyler Hansbrough and the rest of the Tar Heels. Regardless of what happens, it will be fun watching it unfold.