Cutler to Broncos: Take that!

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The List

Five observations out of the Bears' make-believe victory over the Broncos:

5. Mark Anderson got a sack. Devin Hester had a game-changing punt return. Brian Urlacher and the first-string defense never let the Broncos near the end zone. You know, if Rex Grossman had shown up and thrown five interceptions, I'd have thought it was 2006 all over again.

4. When you refer to former All-Pro left tackle Orlando Pace, make sure you accentuate the former. Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil made Pace look like a statue. Repeatedly.

3. With jilted Denverites expressing their hatred for Jay Cutler, it was an unusually fun make-believe game. For a half, anyway. As soon as Lovie Smith pulled Cutler, it was time to watch True Blood. So I'll have to take your word for it if you tell me Caleb Hanie is the next Dan Marino.

2. Before leaving with a boo-boo, Kyle Orton didn't look half bad. He should grow back the beard, though.

1. Even though he temporarily cost the Bears a TD by throwing the ball late and behind his receiver on his one deep pass, and even though he risked interceptions by trying to force a few he shouldn't have, Cutler was impressive. He handled the pressure of his return to Denver well, eventually silencing the fans who were taunting him. The 2-minute drill he led was a thing of beauty. He was nimble both in and out of the pocket. And he spread the ball around nicely. Perhaps equally important for the Bears: When Dumervil delivered a late (but not damaging) hit on Cutler, the QB's teammates had his back.

The Bald Truth

Cutler and most other players worth watching probably won't play more than one series in Thursday's final make-believe game. So the Bears, of course, plan to refund every ticket-holder's money.

Of course.

The Quote

"You saw Jay Cutler and Greg Olsen hooking up ... and these two guys are buddies. Greg Olsen just recently married, and it's a threesome ..." - Cris Collinsworth

With four months to go, folks, this is the leader in the clubhouse as quote of the year.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Like pretty much everybody else with an IQ higher than a stapler, I knew Collinsworth would be better than John Madden. I just didn't realize how much better until I heard him in action with Al Michaels.

You know, I actually might be able to watch some Sunday Night Football this season.

One-hit MLB wonders and all-time HBO hits

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The List

I like and respect ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, but like all of us professional analysts, he sometimes says silly things. Just the other day, he told viewers that the Tampa Bay Rays can't possibly be one-hit wonders because teams rarely go from pennant winners one year to also-rans the next. 

Now, I'm not saying the Rays will be one-hit wonders, but you don't have to employ a team of investigative reporters to unearth recent Series-to-suckers examples.

Just to jog Mr. Kurkjian's memory, here are five one-hit wonders in the last decade alone:

1. 2007-to-08 Rockies. They never should have started putting baseballs in a humidor.

2. 2006-to-07 Tigers. See what happens when you sign every free agent the Yankees don't want.

3. 2005-to-06 Astros. Apparently, it's impossible to recover after losing a World Series to a Chicago team.

4. 2003-to-04 Marlins. While the Cubs are in their 101st year of championship-free baseball, the Marlins have built, destroyed, built and destroyed two Series winners in the last dozen years.

5. 1998-to-99 Padres. But on the plus side, Tony Gwynn batted his weight.

The List (Non-Sports Version)

Top 5 dramas in HBO history:

1. The Wire. I just finished watching Season 2 On Demand and am eagerly awaiting the start of Season 3 ... and then No. 4, which is as good as any season of any show ever aired on any network. I had watched The Wire's five-season run when it was on originally and loved it then, but watching it again, with the perspective of knowing the show's arc, makes it even more enjoyable. Superbly acted and realistically written, The Wire is centered around the Baltimore Police Department's mostly hopeless fight against crime. But it's the many side stories - involving drug lords, corrupt politicians, public education woes, etc. - that make the show really special. If you've never seen The Wire, start renting it now. And that's an order.

2. Six Feet Under. Just about every character on this show, which is based in a funeral home, is outstanding. Especially noteworthy are angst-filled teenager Claire, her recently decloseted gay brother David and their deceased father (who regularly appears in dream sequences). I won't give the series finale away, but I will say the episode is as satisfying a conclusion as any I've seen.

3. Deadwood. I feel totally ripped off that this marvelous series lasted only three seasons. Early on, the media fixated on the vulgar language spoken by these 1876 pioneers. Soon enough, though, anybody who really took the time to watch this deliciously gritty show realized it was more than curse words. Ian McShane's evil entrepreneur Al Swearengen is one of the great villains in TV history.

4. The Sopranos. Many would rank this iconic show first, and I'd have no quibbles. That it could rank fourth on my list speaks well of the quality television HBO has produced over the years. If you're one of the few who doesn't already know about Tony Soprano and his fellow Mafia men, you owe it to yourself to enjoy this series. But rent or buy the DVDs; the sanitized syndicated version on A&E just isn't the same.

5. (tie) True Blood and In Treatment. After quite a few swings and misses - yes, I actually (and regrettably) watched the entire season of John From Cincinnati waiting for something to happen - the quality of these current series gives me hope that HBO will continue to offer up great television. True Blood is a smart, sexy, occasionally creepy show about vampires being assimilated into Louisiana society (and the women who love them). In Treatment follows a shrink (portrayed perfectly by Gabriel Byrne) who deals with his patients' demons - and his own.