Soto's not hot, but he sure is smokin'!

The List

Top five signs that Cubbie catcher Geo Soto is a pothead (aside from his lethargic first half of the season):

5. Always refers to Lou Piniella as "that awesome, gnarly dude."

4. During a recent seventh-inning stretch, he could be heard singing: "Give me Doritos and Ho-Hos, bro; I don't care that my butt's gonna grow ... "

3. Didn't start lobbying for baseball to be an Olympic sport until he was told he'd get to hang out with Michael Phelps and Shaun White.

2. Just before taking a swing at Yadier Molina during a basebrawl, he reached out, embraced the Redbird catcher and said: "I love you, man!"

1. Commissioned Louisville Slugger to make him a 32-ounce bong.

Ozzie Being Ozzie I

After spending more than 2 minutes loudly and forcefully insisting that Shaquille O'Neal will hurt LeBron's Cavs because Shaq is old, broken down, useless and in need of a wheelchair, Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen concluded:

"Like I (bleeping) know about basketball."

Sweet-Talking Lou

Asked by the Chicago Tribune if he'll run the Cubbies beyond this season: "I'm signed through next year."

Then Piniella repeated it two times.

Hmmm. The man hasn't sounded that enthused about managing since his final weeks with the Devil Rays.

Ozzie Being Ozzie II

On Alexei Ramirez, who made two "lousy and lazy" errors Thursday against the Dodgers:

"I made a big mistake in January when I said he's gonna be a better shortstop than Ozzie Guillen. I never thought I was that bad."

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Our old friend Steve Kerr has done a heck of a job running the Phoenix Suns.

Into the ground.

He's only a couple more trades away from securing the most Ping-Pong balls in next year's lottery.