Northwestern? Never!

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The Bald Truth

Now that Northwestern has blown a 50-point lead in the last 2 minutes (or something like that) against Illinois, can the inexplicably hopeful Chicago media corps please stop suggesting that this might be the year the Mildcats finally make the NCAAs?

The List

Five things that will happen before Northwestern makes its NCAA hoops tourney debut:

1. America will elect another black president. And a female president. And a Jewish president. And an Albino president. And Blago president. And ... well, you get the idea.

2. The Cubs will celebrate their sixth straight World Series championship, breaking the record of the 1949-53 Yankees.

3. Phil Mickelson will beat Tiger Woods on the first playoff hole at Augusta.

4. Saying "Why bother fighting it any more?" Bud Selig will announce new rules requiring every ballplayer to take steroids, HGH, greenies and Flintstones Vitamins.

5. Everything and anything. Because Northwestern will never make the NCAAs. Never, ever, ever. OK, I'll stop trying to sugarcoat this: NEVER!

The Letter

From Wally Boller of Galesburg, Ill.: "I would like to go on the record with this prediction: Thirty minutes before the New York Jets' first game next fall, Brett Favre will drive up in a taxi, in full uniform, run out on the field and announce that he has decided not to retire after all."

And 30 minutes after that, ESPN will report that he might or might not retire after the season.

THE BALDEST TRUTH

Forget all the A-Roid stuff. In what had to be the wildest baseball story of the offseason, an ex-girlfriend of Robbie Alomar filed a $15 million civil suit alleging that the likely Hall of Fame second baseman demanded unprotected sex with her for four years despite showing obvious signs that he had AIDS. Alomar has called her a liar.

I won't question the woman's sincerity because I don't know her or the circumstances, but I do wonder why she stuck around for four years.

I mean, it took abused ump John Hirschbeck only about four seconds to realize he never wanted to see Alomar again.

By the way, if my fellow BBWAA Hall of Fame voters are going to use the integrity, character and sportsmanship clauses to dismiss A-Roid and other juicers, shouldn't they give a big thumbs-down to Alomar when he becomes eligible for the next election class?

Or is inserting a syringe in one's own posterior less sportsmanlike than spitting in an umpire's face?